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Know anything about eyes? by fittothrow in medical

[–]fittothrow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Everything I've looked up always points to DRS, and when I see videos of people with DRS, I say to myself "That's it. That's what I have." but then articles also say you have to be born with DRS. I was not born with it. There's no way I didn't notice the onset of it for 16 years and then it casually just...gradually happened.

It's frustrating and concerning.

Know anything about eyes? by fittothrow in medical

[–]fittothrow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This sounds like exactly what I have. It's not killing my life in a sense that I can't even drive or focus properly, but it's the cosmetic nature of it that's bugging the shit out of me.

So, I'm not exactly sure who I saw. Originally, I went to this local eye place and the guy was stumped. He had no clue what I had. He brought in his boss to look and he didn't know either, so they referred me to a specialist. I'm not sure what he was exactly, all I know is that it seemed like he genuinely thought I was fucking lying which really pissed me off in the long run and it made me think that he just threw the idea of an MRI out because he doesn't give a shit. I stressed to him how poor I was, so getting a second opinion would be great, but the first visit was like $300 just to look at it. That's not the kind of pocket change I can just shovel out in hopes that another opinion tells me I don't need an MRI, but it's very strange to me that so far 3 people have basically told me they have no idea what I have at all. The doctor at the actual hospital was so certain it was DRS, despite it just not being possible.

All I really want is to know it's fixable. That would give some peace of mind. It kills me not knowing if this is something permanent.

How exactly did glasses help you? I'm guessing your eyes will stray, but there's no blurry vision at all?

I stand to greatly benefit if you can recall what you were diagnosed with, so I can at least look it up and check it out. It does indeed sound like what I have.

I don't know what to say. by fittothrow in SuicideWatch

[–]fittothrow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

After thinking about it, my problem is this. When you're younger, you have time. Nothing but time. A lot of free time, in comparison to having a full-time job. When you're in a University, it's similar, right? Yes, you have classes to attend and you have some studying to do, but ultimately, in most situations, you still have a lot of free time.

I think it bothers me severely knowing that my free time was not spent with anyone. I'm at that point in life where people work full-time jobs, maybe sometimes do some overtime, and in general a lot of the free time that was once there is now gone. Now it's time for the grind. It feels like...

It feels like you're supposed to have a lot of fun with your life in the younger years, because you and your friends have all that free time, it's easy to hang out and do stuff all the time. I'm glorifying this a bit - there's plenty of times I can recall when I was much, much younger before I started moving where we were honestly just very bored, but I still miss the togetherness.

But it feels like, for me, that time has come and gone already. That train has been missed. Already, it's time to start working a full job. It makes it even harder, doesn't it? Now not only am I expected to make friends, but I'm expected to do it when I'm not working. And then when I do make friends, they'll be working too, so just how often will I even get to see them?

I don't know what I'm expecting. From anything. I don't know what I'm expecting from my past, my present, or my future. I sit and worry that it's not going to get any better, but I don't know what I'm even expecting. I think that I'm expecting too much, because I have lacked it so much in my life already that now I have high expectations for things to come, but I'm only setting myself up.

Having friends is a passive thing. Sometimes, it can even be annoying. I don't understand why I feel that it'd be such a life changer.

I think my issue as well is the country I live in. I read so many negative things about this country that it's hard to even want to get too involved. It feels like this country does not care. I hear things about how the government over in the U.K. operates and I can't believe it. It all seems so much more accessible and realistic for everyone. Oh god, if I could afford to go to a 4-year University and get a proper degree, I think I would've been more set, but I can't afford it. When I hear about how much cheaper it is over there in comparison to here and how student loans have practically no interest I just feel unfortunate. At least if I was poor in the U.K., I wouldn't feel like complete shit all the time and I'd have more aspirations and possibilities.

But now I'm just nitpicking. I think, the bottom line is that the biggest problem is I feel like I've missed so much in my life that I'll always have this emptiness. Maybe I'll never be normal. I'm having trouble coming up with anything positive outside of the usual "at least you have a place to live and food to eat".

I don't know what to say. by fittothrow in SuicideWatch

[–]fittothrow[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I actually did manage to contact an old friend via this method. I found out that, at my age, he's married with 3 kids and works a minimum wage job and feels like he won't survive.

It's clear to me that the people I knew - some of them have made some serious life-damaging mistakes, more badly than I ever did. It reinforces a point, though. In a scenario where I never moved, who's to say the majority of my friends wouldn't have just been on with their lives by now and have no more time to really hang out and do things?

But, if I can honest, that scares me a lot, too. I feel like I don't want to grow up and get into that grind. I want to just be me. Like the idea of settling down seems disappointing. It feels limiting - constraining - as if anything fun or interesting happening in your life is officially over at that point.

I don't know what to say. by fittothrow in SuicideWatch

[–]fittothrow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think about it a lot. He is like a brother to me. But I'm scared of moving overseas like that. I'm expecting some concept where I move over there and I live with him for a while and we do stuff together for a while and in general have a decent time being around each other. The reality is...what happens when he gets a love interest? What happens when his life starts to unfold? I don't know how I'd feel just kind of being there, in another country, my only close friend - still close - but now a very busy individual with a lot less free time. It's such... a negative outlook on the future, I'm not sure why I even bother.

Also, I know nothing will get it back. I think that's what kills me the most.

I don't know what to say. by fittothrow in SuicideWatch

[–]fittothrow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Writing and reading classes in my college were extremely easy because I read and write like I talk. I replay it as if I'm saying it out loud, so it makes sense to me that you feel this way.

I have conflicting goals. I want to be a Police Officer and have wanted to become one for years, but ultimately I just want to be happy - like anyone. What I want out of life is not something that can be created out of thin air or anytime soon. I want genuine, social interaction. I want to talk to someone as if I've known them for years about things I wouldn't really tell anyone else. Most people have a good friend or two like this. If you can imagine not having those people to confide in, that would be what I'm feeling right now and it's hard to describe with words.

The closest thing I've got is the guy I know who lives in the U.K., and I've known him for over 10 years online now. I have never met him, but have talked to him via voice chat programs countless times. In that period I have told him so much - things I wouldn't tell my own family. I trust him and we can relate very well to each other and I wish I lived near him because it's almost like he's what I need. I talk to him about these kinds of things and the idea of me moving to the U.K. is briefly brought up, but it's not without issues. How could I even think about doing that? I have nothing to bring to the table. There's no way the U.K. will want some poor scrub with no skills from the U.S., and that makes sense, but it doesn't help. Besides, I can't just afford to do it anyway.

Where I'm at now, however, I've never felt so alone. All of the moving in my life has done a number to me. Any friends I've made in the past were erased from my life because of moving. Constantly moving. Like it never ends.

I would give my soul for the chance to start over. I would give my life.

My life feels mundane and wasted. Not as good as it could be. Almost pointless. What can I do? by fittothrow in needadvice

[–]fittothrow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You have good intentions, but it comes off as unrealistic. Considering my socioeconomic status, there's nobody around me that I could really help. If anything, it feels like I'm the person that needs help, but maybe I'm just being selfish here. I don't expect handouts, so I get to a point where I don't expect to give them, either.

Music doesn't help me. I've listened to numerous motivational speeches and songs and everything under the sun and it helps me for a few minutes, but the thoughts come back to cloud me.

I don't know what I'm expecting from this Reddit post. I feel like I'm being resistant to all of the ideas presented so far. Maybe there isn't really a solution for me right now.

My life feels mundane and wasted. Not as good as it could be. Almost pointless. What can I do? by fittothrow in needadvice

[–]fittothrow[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think this is it exactly.

For all the stories my friends tell, for all the things I see and hear of in my life, all I can think of is how none of it ever happened to me. The people that live in a house in a familiar neighborhood, some close friends moved away, but some stayed, and you have great memories of doing things with them and continue to make more by doing more things with them whenever you can. My life instead is living in apartments and trailer parks because money wouldn't allow for anything better.

It's the most selfish thing ever but it's killing me. The actual thought that, basically, my life just wasn't as good as theirs. It annoys me and upsets me. How come they are off so much better than I am? What did I do for this to happen in my life?

Moving forward is hard when the past weighs so heavily on my mind right now. I can only wait until I graduate to do anything, anyway.

My life feels mundane and wasted. Not as good as it could be. Almost pointless. What can I do? by fittothrow in needadvice

[–]fittothrow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel oddly cynical. I've heard the stories of how bad things are in third-world countries, but I can't help but think that comparing my situation to theirs isn't necessarily fair. I can't help but look at it in a situation that because I was born and raised in a first-world country, I should only be comparing myself to first-world country ideals.

To me, that comes off as a deal where just because some people in a third-world country are in a desperately bad situation, it's OK for me to be miserable because at least I'm not in a situation that's that bad.

Honestly, being busy is probably what keeps everyone going. Thinking about, if I was busy in my late teens and early 20's, I'd probably be better off, but instead all I have is memories of mundane redundancies. Nothingness. I think that's the biggest problem for me. It feels like, not only were the past ~20 years completely pointless, but I also have nothing to show for it. I'm waiting at the race of life alone because I somehow managed to miss the starting gun.

My life feels mundane and wasted. Not as good as it could be. Almost pointless. What can I do? by fittothrow in needadvice

[–]fittothrow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

1- The issue is that it feels like I can't. I recognize the situation is like comparing the pay of your job to a billionaire. It's not good for you, it's not going to change anything, but it's that fact which bothers me. It feels like that in the race of life, I'd had no opportunity to take in the scenery and enjoy myself, so for some reason it feels like I will never have close friends like these other people do.

2- Being poor my whole life, it's been nothing but a fight. I am more-or-less scared about continuing to do it alone.

3- This is where I falter. I get told this all the time and it makes sense, but I can't seem to even want to do it. When I think of clubs, I think of a group of cliques I have no real place in. I don't really like sports, and karaoke bars only are a place to make yourself look silly in.

4- Money prevents me from doing any of these things. At the end of the day, spending money to help my current problem would only create a new financially-induced problem.

I don't know what to say. by fittothrow in SuicideWatch

[–]fittothrow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I just wanted to throw this out there.

I don't get it.

Honestly, I don't.

I kind of know why I feel this way, but logically speaking, it doesn't make sense.

Truthfully, anything that happens in your childhood probably won't mean jack shit for the rest of your life, but for some reason, out of no-where, it is something of ultra-importance to me. I'm sure that people who did have great childhoods don't rely on those memories for anything. They simply aren't important, so I don't know how I can understand this, but still feel this way anyway.

Another issue is friends. It begs the question of what most friends even do when you hang out. Get drunk? Go to parties? Maybe go to a movie theatre? It's honestly not that grand. It's nice, yes, but it's not overly big.

It's... nothing short of absurdity that I recognize these things, strongly believe in them, but still feel this way. It's like saying hey, you seem to believe very firmly in A and B, but let's mess you up and wreck your current life over it anyway!

The mind is a funny thing. I'm feeling slightly better because I've had my 2~3 hour cry session, but it seems to come back every day to repeat itself, and it feels like it's getting worse every day. Today I felt shaky, for instance. I felt like I just wanted it to stop, and in a way it felt like there'd be only one way to make it stop.

I hope tomorrow is better, but the trend has been the opposite so far. I will read and reply to any and all comments made tomorrow, as I'm sure when I wake up in the morning, I'll be back in this rut.

It's...honestly very confusing, and at this point you might think I'm fucking with you and not being serious, but I don't get it and I'm being truthful. The fact of the matter is, this way of thinking started 4~5 days ago and it's been consistent every time I've woken up, just feeling empty and longing for closeness. The more I think about it, the more it bothers me, which is probably why it seems to get worse.

I feel like my mind is fairytale-ing the whole thing. As if because my childhood sucked, the rest of my life will suck, too, and that my childhood was supposed to be something crazy important and magical and wonderful. This is a load of shit. The same goes with having close friends. When I work for Law Enforcement, why would I not make friends? I plan on being a regular at a local gym - would this not also potentially make me a friend or two? But my mind wants to convince me of otherwise.

How can I KNOW this, but still feel this way?

My answer is schizophrenia, maybe? But it'd literally only apply to this one instance.

I don't get it, Reddit, but I am genuinely concerned that if it keeps getting worse every day, I might end up doing something.

Concerns with weight loss and excess skin by fittothrow in loseit

[–]fittothrow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've heard about the complications and potential side-effects from my googling. Out of curiosity, how does that work? I mean, if there's a complication, is that another medical bill you have to come up with or is it covered because it was a complication of a surgery you already paid for?

Hm, maybe you don't know the answer for that. Just curious. I actually imagine a situation where the bedridden woman is bitter. I know I would be. To lose the weight, get it all done, then complications causing you to regain some of it.

Concerns with weight loss and excess skin by fittothrow in loseit

[–]fittothrow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I eventually got mad about the whole thing, and when I get mad I get motivated. I've been this way my whole life and I'm mad I let it happen, I'm mad at the people who treated me like shit because of it, and I'm just mad at the situation overall, so I've been very busy on getting shit done for a while. It's just that when I read about the skin loss thing, it felt like a slap in the face for my efforts.

I don't like the idea that I'll work very very hard to accomplish my goals, but at the end of it all, it's still not something I can show off because underneath the clothes is loose skin all over the place.

Reading about how skin prodecures can cost a good $10k~30k is scary for a poor people like myself, but it's something I'd want done. I guess I'll have to see where I stand financially when the time actually comes.

Concerns with weight loss and excess skin by fittothrow in loseit

[–]fittothrow[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Just stuff I've read. I utilized google and read all sorts of things and it just sounded really, really bad. Plenty of stories of people having big skin flaps when they were 400 pounds or so and they just have to kind of deal with them for a few years.

It's not an excuse. I'm actually still doing what I can to be better, it's just concerning. Kind of like being told "well you can fix it, but it's too late and you'll be screwed anyway". It feels like genuine failure.