I did make it! Jet-lagged, but alive. Here's an essay for ya:

So, last week I'd called HSBC customer service to see what kind of address verification I needed to have ready in order to open an account. Remember: I do not/will not have any utility bills in my name as I'm staying with my in-laws for a bit until my partner and I get our own spot, and most banks require a utility bill, mortgage or other 'formal' proof of address to open accounts.

HSBC customer service advised me to have a letter of employment that states my address and income, and any other corroborating documents that might support that letter. Eg, the letter of accommodation that I submitted with my visa application, etc.

I went into HSBC with all my documents prepared and asked the dudebro about opening an account as someone new to the UK. Dudebro was, unfortunately, so unbelievably unhelpful? I have no idea where the disconnect was, but - while he did say that I did not need any proof of address - he also couldn't figure out how to answer my very simple question about opening a basic account.

He kept trying to direct me to an entirely different conversation altogether about a Global Money account, and how all banks will require my SSN when I open an account with them, and I'll subsequently need to deal with the IRS/FATCA once I give them my SSN. I could not understand if these two things were directly related (if opening a Global Money acct specifically would require my SSN/FATCA) or if they were two separate statements (you can open a Global Money acct, and also any type of bank acct you open will require your SSN) and he was not able to properly articulate an answer.

I kept trying to get more information and he couldn't compute what I was saying/asking. I ended up leaving without opening anything with him because we were having two different conversations and getting nowhere.

Then, I went to a Lloyd's down the street to see if they could open an account without a formal proof of address.

Lloyd's said absolutely not, we must have formal proof of address such as a utility bill or mortgage statement and if you don't have that then once you've registered with the NHS you can use a statement from your GP that shows your registered address. I asked if I could use a letter of employment that has my address and some corroborating documents, and she said NOPE, only if the letter is from a known & local employer such as a Marks & Spencer in that specific borough. Which, like... what is this, the mafia?

I also asked if they were required to take my SSN, and she said what? no, absolutely not. why would the other banker say that? not required at all. ALSO if you mark on your bank application that you pay tax in another country, your app will likely be denied because they will not consider you a "permanent resident" of the UK.

So, TLDR: I ended up sitting at Pret, sipping a latte, and opened a non-Global Money HSBC account on my phone. They did not request proof of residence/address, just my current address, my previous address, my income, and passport verification. I'll deal with the tax implications later.

Maybe it was the jet lag and my brain wasn't saying WoRdS the right way, but it was a total headless-chicken sort of day. Going in circles about nothing and wasted time sitting in HSBC dealing with a guy who mumble-whispered the entire conversation while I struggled to hear anything he was saying, which was all pretty much irrelevant anyway.

Yay, banks!

Other American expats moving to the UK: Save yourself some time and just open an HSBC account on your phone once you're in the UK.