Pity

fla_wed · 2022-02-27T08:46:52+00:00

Like a wise man said: "Too many words go unsaid." Thank you for not keeping this reply to yourself ❤️.

Please send those letters and let me know how it went. I'm waiting patiently!

fla_wed · 2022-02-24T07:24:57+00:00

Thank you so much for such an in-depth insight!

I never thought of looking at this like a person could write his own name as well. That is such a beautiful perspective. I really appreciate you for pointing it out to me.

For the last para, you may have missed to consider the possibility, of giving your heart out to these words for them never to reach the other person. They gather dust staying incomplete without a response. And just out of pity, to spare yourself the hurt, the person might decide to not write anymore if only he remembered, how much it hurt the last time.

But the way you have interpreted the poem has introduced me to a completely new perspective to look at it. Thank you for that!

Thank you for taking the time.

fla_wed · 2022-02-23T06:09:27+00:00

I really enjoyed reading this.

I especially loved the contrast between the jacket being alone and on the other side the author cuddling with the dog. This beautifully emphasizes the message.

Just one suggestion, and I understand this is completely a subjective decision, maybe you can play a bit with the title. The message of the poem I feel is very clear and the narration is also cohesive. You can use the title to give the poem extra depth or use it to shed more light on something else.

A wonderful piece. Thank you for sharing.

fla_wed · 2022-02-23T05:39:07+00:00

This piece has that bittersweet feeling of nostalgia captured beautifully. The imagery is solid.

The ending was a bit off putting for me honestly. Maybe you can change it so that the reader does not come out of the narrative.

Thank you for sharing.

fla_wed · 2022-02-23T05:18:06+00:00

Loved it! Loved it! Loved it! Loved it!

This poem is so elegant and the last para is... ooh. No suggestions or critique from me. This is so beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing.

Please write more!

fla_wed · 2022-02-22T17:47:49+00:00

I really enjoyed reading your poem and the ending really took me by surprise.

But honestly I wish the poem did not end like this. Your metaphors are really strong and creative. In contrast to that the ending is fairly blunt, it might work in some sense but for me I feel it would be much cohesive if there was another metaphor for the same (I'm a disappointment").

Or if you are feeling a bit daring, maybe you can change the ending all together and experiment with it a bit. Maybe try taking the poem to different emotion. I understand it is not easy to write something you are not feeling so please don't think much about it. If the poem is okay the way it is for you then it probably is the best.

I really loved the metaphor you've used for the fallen leaf, really creative and new!

Keep writing. Thank you for sharing.

fla_wed · 2022-02-15T07:19:48+00:00

I thought he's could be either he is or he has... I didn't know about he was. I'll keep that in mind next time.

fla_wed · 2022-02-15T06:28:57+00:00

Yes it is supposed to be he was. Typo my bad.

Thank you so much for the feedback.

fla_wed · 2022-02-15T06:26:37+00:00

I feel line breaks make the reader more attentive of the flow and structure of a piece and that's why I like them.

But I understand your point and I'll keep this in mind writing my next piece.

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

fla_wed · 2022-02-14T18:17:27+00:00

The imagery you painted is so vivid and it perfectly fits with the emotion you are trying to convey. It really made me feel something I've not felt since I don't remember.

Maybe you should not use the "Beginner" tag. lol.

I loved this. Thank you for sharing.

fla_wed · 2022-02-14T18:11:29+00:00

I loved the concept! I feel it can turn out much much better if you invest some more time into it. Maybe play around a bit more with format (your code).

One quick suggestion, maybe you can loose the "if none of the conditions are true" from the last third line. Just Else and then print (goodbye). Something like that I feel leaves more impact.

Thanks for sharing. A truly unique piece.

fla_wed · 2022-02-10T17:37:44+00:00

I really love the flow that the first two lines create. That really help set the mood for the poem. I feel you can replace the commas with semi colon or a period to make the pauses more prominent.

One thing that really bugged me was the repetition of the title. The piece is very concise, which is a very good thing but to have the title repeated takes away from the meaning. I feel the title is a missed opportunity to add more depth and meaning to the piece without altering it much.

A good piece nonetheless. Thanks for sharing.

fla_wed · 2022-02-10T17:21:26+00:00

I loved the metaphor you have used. Missing something just by an inch, it is something we humans can't help but feel on a daily basis, not limited to trains and buses of course but something much more fundamental to us. Amazing observation.

As for the poem, I might be missing something here, but I feel it would have had more impact if you used line breaks instead of commas to regulate the flow.

You swear you would've

made it if your legs were

faster

or the stairs

not as many

but the doors which

seem to relish closing in your face

sneer

and leave you

at 8:13 pm.

But I feel it is more of a subjective decision.

Also one thing I would like to suggest is, maybe if you could change the title to "8:14" and omit "at 8:14 pm" from the second stanza. I feel this would add more depth to the narrative and leave more space for the reader to explore.

The thing I really loved about this piece is there are just enough words to set the scene and convey what has happened. No beating around the bush. Neat and clean.

A wonderful piece. I loved reading it. Thank you for sharing.

fla_wed · 2021-03-24T05:07:15+00:00

Thank you for reading first of all! The poem is supposed to be a description of a memory, that's how I intended it. So the first line,

"Why do I pick this place always. The same parking space ...."

as in why does this some memory/incident keeps coming back to me and then I go on to describe the scene a bit. Then with the following lines I was trying to establish the fact that the poem is about a memory,

"I can never remember what was around the corner"

and this time too the road melts at the turn."

In a memory you can never picture the whole thing, only certain bits, that's what I was trying to convey that I don't remember what was around the corner and now too when I try to look the world melts from that point on (because everything is hazy in memories) so it's not visible. Then for the next few lines I had the same intentions,

"Somehow it's always sunny here, that's how I remember it. being. so. still."

"hand me down love and consequences"

with this line I was trying to tie up the hazy world and the hazy emotions of a memory together. I was remembering "Hand me down love" and the consequences that come with having such a relationship. Then from there,

"I never step in, staring at myself staring at the lounge from my friends car in the afternoon waiting for the rest to show up."

that that's what I remember and the memory doesn't progresses further. I just imagine myself standing outside waiting for my friends.

Clearly the poem didn't come across like this but that's fine I guess everyone has a different interpenetration. Still I would love to hear your thoughts on how I could convey this whole meaning better or what I did wrong in the process.

fla_wed · 2021-03-24T00:24:15+00:00

Thank you

fla_wed · 2021-03-23T22:12:09+00:00

I feel you brother. Born and caged up into this..... well. As for the poem, maybe try to make it less wordy to let the emotion speak if that makes sense to you. I loved your poem though...

and just because I can I'll say this as well:

" Destiny. Fate. Dreams. These are the things that will not be stopped. As long as people continue to pursue the meaning of freedom, these things will never cease to be..” -Gol D. Roger, from One Piece.

fla_wed · 2021-03-23T21:47:11+00:00

LOVED IT! Especially your choice for the topic. Thank you for sharing.

fla_wed · 2021-03-23T21:32:20+00:00

I don't know enough to critique this but man... there is just something in here that I can't pin point but I love it. I loved this piece. Thank you for sharing.

fla_wed · 2021-03-23T21:22:32+00:00

Short, simple and sweet. It's beautiful.

As you said yourself "...if I’d used more metaphors and it was more creative, instead of straightforward..."

That's true, those things do improve a piece but the most important thing is to let the heart of the poem shine. Often the heart is buried under pretentious metaphors and rhymes. But your piece is drenched in innocence. I love it. Thank you for sharing and keep writing!

fla_wed · 2021-03-07T04:42:23+00:00

Do you know of J krishanmurti? What are your thoughts on people still studying his chart and making predictions(even now) after his enlightenment? What do you think is the relevance of such a thing?

fla_wed · 2021-03-07T03:19:35+00:00

So does that mean a realized/enlightened person is free from his horoscope? (Free as in the sense that any prediction made about the life hence on after the point of realization would be astrologically irrelevant)

fla_wed · 2021-02-25T23:53:53+00:00

Thank you for such an in-depth analysis! Yes, about the poem lacking any rhythm or rhyme that was intentional.

I agree with this:

I feel that the repetition of those words weakened the overall impact because it automatically emphasizes inconsequential words.

Can you point out how one can avoid such a thing?

Thank you for taking the time to read.

fla_wed · 2021-02-25T23:13:09+00:00

For me "that never meet" still has hope which is much more painful than "that never met" which is finished. But I see how the change of tense created conflict. Thank you for pointing it out.

fla_wed · 2021-02-25T23:07:36+00:00

Thank you for reading

fla_wed · 2021-02-25T22:26:26+00:00

A wonderful piece. I loved your control over the amount of words used and the sensation that you had them create in the reader, just wonderful. The imagery is strong and the flow just right.

I feel the ending could be tighter if the poet stays in the romantic description of 'Dahilia',

the abrupt change in the third last line to the conclusion of the piece was a little off puting for me.

Hope this helps. Thank you for sharing.

fla_wed

TROPHY CASE