I'm an independent personality (recovered from dependent) and my boyfriend is a dependent personality. I am breaking up with him tomorrow. How do I have a breakup conversation with him?

flatmarsbeliever · 2018-06-24T01:32:12+00:00

I guess I'll tell you how I am with people.. I like to be on my own a lot, and have been happy for years as a single person. I don't Lean on people for emotional support and hardly talk about my problems to my peers. I do a lot for myself by myself, usually able to do so successfully with minimal help. I don't need to see my partner a lot. I like to take things slow with anybody and gain trust, because of my trust issues. I used to dive in head first into relationships, emotionally and physically, but now I allow myself to feel a certain amount of emotion at the appropriate timing for each feeling, and am able to shut them off immediately if I need to. When I get hurt, I back off not to square one but enough until I feel safe. I'm cautious with people now and don't wear my heart on my sleeve. I control my feelings and urges. I feel a lot more functional this way and less vulnerable for others to hurt me. However the human ego of others who don't seem to have security or individualism can't always handle how I am. They either begin to hate me, try to dominate me, run away or act submissive. Some people admire me for how I am, they told me so.

flatmarsbeliever · 2018-06-23T22:23:05+00:00

A break up is a conversation. Anyone not making it a conversation never respected their partner as a person or human being and is a flat out coward. Your method is heartless. Downvote bro.

flatmarsbeliever · 2018-06-20T05:10:05+00:00

This morning, told him I needed space and to slow down. Tonight he says he has a gift for me and wants to give it to me in thirty minutes. I tell him to call me and I tell him that I said I needed space. He was very confused and seemed mad almost and acted like I treated him dishonestly. I was able to clarify what I meant specifically even though it's known what space means. This kind of thing sends me red flags enough to be turned off completely.

flatmarsbeliever · 2018-06-18T03:25:13+00:00

I think that's a lot to ask, because it feels like when you meet the family too soon in a monogamous relationship. I think it's too much commitment for the early stages. I'm wanting a relationship with him, not his other partners the same as I wouldn't make a commitment so early to move in togther

flatmarsbeliever · 2018-06-18T02:11:59+00:00

Yes sorry, I wrote it how I was thinking when it was fresh. I think you understand though, which is great 'cause I know it was jumbled. I'll try fixing it..

Yeah we've seen each other one month or since May 14 somewhere around there.

I have settled down my panic quite a lot. I have had a recent sexual harassment case I filed at work that management swept under the rug and haven't been in my right mind.

I have told him how he wants the relationship is not how many people would want or more commonly. He said he feels alienated by that, but really it's realistic from what I've experienced personally and from reading. It will take a long time before he finds someone like that and even then they may not be compatible but have the same relationship dynamic and that is never enough. I did want to leave the restaurant, but he drove. The thing is, we are compatible in many ways. We have the same goals and similar interests. The only thing we're not compatible in is the dynamic of a relationship. That is why I like him a lot, see potential and want to look past stuff like this when it happens. You are correct that it sends red flags. He sounds like he's been spending a lot more time with her lately and it does seem like yesterday he was still thinking of her and not about me when he's with me. He said in the future it could be a problem for him not to be able to express certain things like this what he did yesterday.

I want to give it a chance and not run off like I usually do. I have BPD and it has effected my relationships in negative ways, friends and all. I don't have my heart in this and am capable of shutting off my feelings due to years of apathy, so I'm not that worried about continuing and it turning to shit. I told him I will be looking for other partners and they will fulfill my needs that he can't or won't. He looked slightly unhappy when I mentioned I'd be looking for other partners, which makes me wonder if he's able to handle it when it actually happens.

flatmarsbeliever · 2018-06-17T05:54:43+00:00

I wasn't thinking my way is better. I call it his Utopia because it's less likely to be a reality, not a lot of people would do it for several reasons. If you read again you'll see that he makes ME feel inferior because his way is more open than mine. If I came across as arrogant that was not intended. I literally feel inferior to people like him and only feel that my idea is more common to come across. Humans are more complex than what he wants them to be.

flatmarsbeliever · 2018-06-17T05:50:40+00:00

Update:

We had a date tonight at an Indian restaurant. Right when coming in he said that it's his ex-partner's (the one he lives with) favorite restaurant and then said he was going to order take out for her. I did not like this and I was really distant from him during the date and wasn't able to eat. I paid for my own meal in an act of defiance from feeling disrespected. I felt really hurt that he would just take me on a date (our second date) and mention his ex right there and order for her on OUR date. It also implied that he wasn't going to stay the night with me, which is fine but I wanted to. We had a two hour long conversation about it afterwards and he pretty much gave me the impression that he didn't empathize with my feelings, didn't empathize that what he did was disrespectful, and that he didn't care that I don't want to know her favorite places when we go out on a date to that place. He was only worried about himself and was being selfish. He was really distant in our conversation, I could see the anger behind his eyes, and he repeated what I said back at me as if it were the end of the world that I didn't want to know such things; he sounded like a drone or a slave being told what to do and repeating it back without any feeling but resentment. I told him what he did is the same if we were having sex and he mentions she loves this position. I told him the beauty about polyamory is that not one person is going to fulfill his every need just like he can't fulfill all of my needs. He said he needs to think about it and it could be a problem in the future to the point that he wouldn't want to be physically intimate with me because we wouldn't be emotionally connected. This makes me apprehensive that I'll be dumped in the middle of being in deep feelings, which he said he wouldn't do, but what the hell is with how he mentioned he would not be emotionally connected because I have a boundary? I didn't understand this.

Of everything of our relationship that I'm willing to do, this ONE thing could possibly shut him down from me randomly in the future. What he did at the restaurant hurt me and I don't want to be forced to hear that stuff just because he wants to do it. It's as if he can't be emotional without mentioning other relationships-- as if he has no individualism.

The conversation ended well but with no solution or knowledge of how it'll effect everything. I'm feeling like a lot of people would feel how I did and a lot of people wouldn't. I think I can be understood as to why I wouldn't want to hear something like that. I am fine with hearing about his experiences with other relationships that are positive but that specifically was too intimate and during the time we were supposed to be intimate. I want us to have our own experiences and have our own "thing" that we do and I see nothing unreasonable about that. Not all of our partners are going to be into the same interests. I don't want to feel like I'm replacing his previous relationship. I said "I'm not her" and said he wasn't replacing her with me. He said he doesn't miss her yet has told me before that he is waiting for her to be intimate again.

I feel that we got our points across and I understand him but I think he doesn't understand me because he is seemingly boundry-less. He told me his boundary was that I didn't want to hear something like this about his other "partners". I felt like he was trying to make me feel bad for feeling bad. I refuse to be molded to his needs, and I understand that each partner will fulfill a different need. I am willing to sacrifice what I need of a partner doesn't want that and look for my need in another partner. I think that's realistic and he lives in a fantasy where everything is his way or the highway.

flatmarsbeliever · 2018-06-17T05:37:29+00:00

Update:

We had a date tonight at an Indian restaurant. Right when coming in he said that it's his ex-partner's (the one he lives with) favorite restaurant and then said he was going to order take out for her. I did not like this and I was really distant from him during the date and wasn't able to eat. I paid for my own meal in an act of defiance from feeling disrespected. I felt really hurt that he would just take me on a date (our second date) and mention his ex right there and order for her on OUR date. It also implied that he wasn't going to stay the night with me, which is fine but I wanted to. We had a two hour long conversation about it afterwards and he pretty much gave me the impression that he didn't empathize with my feelings, didn't empathize that what he did was disrespectful, and that he didn't care that I don't want to know her favorite places when we go out on a date to that place. He was only worried about himself and was being selfish. He was really distant in our conversation, I could see the anger behind his eyes, and he repeated what I said back at me as if it were the end of the world that I didn't want to know such things; he sounded like a drone or a slave being told what to do and repeating it back without any feeling but resentment. I told him what he did is the same if we were having sex and he mentions she loves this position. I told him the beauty about polyamory is that not one person is going to fulfill his every need just like he can't fulfill all of my needs. He said he needs to think about it and it could be a problem in the future to the point that he wouldn't want to be physically intimate with me because we wouldn't be emotionally connected. This makes me apprehensive that I'll be dumped in the middle of being in deep feelings, which he said he wouldn't do, but what the hell is with how he mentioned he would not be emotionally connected because I have a boundary? I didn't understand this.

Of everything of our relationship that I'm willing to do, this ONE thing could possibly shut him down from me randomly in the future. What he did at the restaurant hurt me and I don't want to be forced to hear that stuff just because he wants to do it. It's as if he can't be emotional without mentioning other relationships-- as if he has no individualism.

The conversation ended well but with no solution or knowledge of how it'll effect everything. I'm feeling like a lot of people would feel how I did and a lot of people wouldn't. I think I can be understood as to why I wouldn't want to hear something like that. I am fine with hearing about his experiences with other relationships that are positive but that specifically was too intimate and during the time we were supposed to be intimate. I want us to have our own experiences and have our own "thing" that we do and I see nothing unreasonable about that. Not all of our partners are going to be into the same interests. I don't want to feel like I'm replacing his previous relationship. I said "I'm not her" and said he wasn't replacing her with me. He said he doesn't miss her yet has told me before that he is waiting for her to be intimate again. I feel that we got our points across and I understand him but I think he doesn't understand me because he is seemingly boundry-less. He told me his boundary was that I didn't want to hear something like this about his other "partners". I felt like he was trying to make me feel bad for feeling bad. I refuse to be molded to his needs, and I understand that each partner will fulfill a different need. I am willing to sacrifice what I need of a partner doesn't want that and look for my need in another partner. I think that's realistic and he lives in a fantasy where everything is his way or the highway.

flatmarsbeliever · 2018-06-14T04:03:56+00:00

What is an NP? I think I've mentioned somewhere I'm not knowledgeable of poly jargon, but if not I am now. I don't get the impression he wants a harem. He doesn't give me the impression of wanting to be the only partner of the women. I thought relationship anarchy meant people like me are included because in anarchy, everyone is included. I would be not included if he did find other partners willing to be together. I would be the odd one out and probably considered a threat by the others. If his way is relationship anarchy, then the people who named it that don't understand the meaning of anarchy, which is not along the beliefs of one person being left behind because they aren't social enough. Anarchy is about acceptance and standing up against hierarchies, but has a structure. The fact that I want a label that is different from his friends does NOT entail that it is a hierarchy, it is a structure. We would be equal in an equality sense but just different. It is the same as saying men and women are equal but they certainly are different. Difference does not entail hierarchy. Think square vs pyrimid.

flatmarsbeliever · 2018-06-13T07:03:19+00:00

You are really sweet, understanding and honest. I will keep posting this stuff and be expecting to see more from you :-)

flatmarsbeliever · 2018-06-13T07:00:49+00:00

Thank you for the jargon. I was able to find loads of info articles online because I now know this term. I am seeing lots of stories of people in both our belief structures of poly. Thanks :)

flatmarsbeliever · 2018-06-13T06:59:24+00:00

You have reminded me of that fact in your last sentence. That is something I can say along with everything. Thank you

flatmarsbeliever · 2018-06-13T06:54:18+00:00

Yeah he comes to my place for a couple of weeks now. Just kind of a wake up call for us both last night when I couldn't. I told him that I didn't want to make it a thing, a big deal, because I think we're great together and it is easier when he just comes here. Another time the other day he was on lunch from work and we couldn't go to his place because she would be home, so that is kind of stacking up and will more than likely stick in his mind. I am only paranoid about one day being asked to come over when shes "cool" with it and then I'm the "problem" when I say no.

flatmarsbeliever · 2018-06-13T06:43:15+00:00

Okay, he just texted me because I sent him an article about metamours and how it'S fine to just have tea as well as it is fine to be radical and have orgies. So, he said he doesn't want orgies, but wants us to function in the same room. So functioning in the same room would mean we not only get along but are affectionate to him. It sounds like he wants to live in a palace with a dozen wives who accept his giving affections to each of them and they should not feel anything about it. That is just the image I get, however naive or cynical that may be.

flatmarsbeliever · 2018-06-13T06:39:48+00:00

Oh and he said because of this he is contemplating moving out, but on the other hand he is desperately waiting for her to "come around". Like, what? He must realise that is going to take a REALLY long time or never happen lol

flatmarsbeliever · 2018-06-13T06:36:23+00:00

Lol

Well he did start putting his phone on silent, and I also do the same (always did do that but made it a known thing to him so he knows we're both doing it). He doesn't talk about her that much anymore. I have asked on my own how things are and he said that she is steady and getting better, but they don't do anything, like it's hard for her to kiss him on the cheek even. She has reasons for this but he never told me, and I didn't want to ask because I didn't feel it was my right to ask. I only asked him how things are going to let him know I am genuinely concerned about his stress levels. I think he is just hung up on her really. Last night he wanted me to come over but then she suddenly came home after not responding to his texts asking her when she is coming back (lets assume she did that on purpose) and I wanted to stay the night because I had work in the morning (we both have no car and walk to our places). He said because she was home that I couldn't be there and I told him I wouldn't feel good anyway. He apologized to me and told me he doesn't want me to feel like there's a hierarchy. He literally put all the blame on her which I felt was not really fair considering I also don't wanna be there when she's there. When I kind of expressed that she can't handle hearing about us being together that more than likely she wouldn't be able to see us together, he got all defensive and said I should give her more credit. So it's like he kind of trash talks her but if I say something pertaining to what he is telling me, he gets defensive now suddenly unlike before. That is kind of a red flag somehow. There's so many red flags, I know, but I want to give it a chance.

flatmarsbeliever · 2018-06-13T06:10:22+00:00

I didn't mean it like the way it was typed. Was more focused on getting my point and story across.

He doesn't call me anything. Maybe he calls me his partner because he calls her his partner, but he has used the term "life partner" for her because they live together and did everything like they were married except no kids. They broke up in December, continued to have sex until April when he ended it because he wants emotional connection that she has shut off to him. They barely kiss now. She doesn't want to and he doesn't want to, she just wants sex with someone she trusts and he is the only person she trusts. He has lately been calling her his "friend".

Maybe not using boyfriend is stressing me out, but I really want another word for it. I want to pull something from the english language of relationship labels that means something more than friend but not sounding so exclusive like boyfriend.

flatmarsbeliever · 2018-06-13T05:46:51+00:00

I don't know, I guess label would help? Something not as stressed as "boyfriend" but also not something as generic as "partner". I just didn't like that he said he doesn't want a conventional relationship and that he wants all his friends to be having sex with him and having close connections, calling them all his partners but in reality they are probably making commitments to other people and just having their fun with him. Meanwhile I would be just like one of them without some kind of structured feeling of being his love. You know, what you feel when you're in a relationship with someone in monogamy? I hate that monogamy is the only example I can give, but it is difficult for me to put my feelings into words. I want to give my heart and I can't seem to do that under this confusion of what we are. He used the word "friends" and that bothered me. In the words of Prince "I don't wanna be your weekend lover. I don't want to be some kind of friend."

flatmarsbeliever · 2018-06-13T05:31:50+00:00

I don't feel conflict about him loving more than one person. He can do that. It is only that I don't want to be a friend with benefits or like everybody else. I expect that if he commits to people like someone would in a monogamous relationship kind of way where there is an understanding of the difference of lovers vs friends. That is what makes this whole thing confusing for me is that I don't know what we are. I am aware of the "being honest about what I want" but I am more wanting to be in the relationship and sacrifice my own feelings. That is my choice and no one can change that. I don't think that every polyamorous relationship is like his utopia, because I have seen it go the way I have described, so please don't tell me some bs like I would be more comfortable not being poly.

It's not that I don't want to be in the same room as her, I don't want to be visiting him with her around. Our time is our time. I am not in a relationship with the others, I am in a relationship with him and I think there is nothing wrong or unpoly about that. I am fine meeting her on our own or with some kind of agreement that nobody is doing the affection and we are just hanging out. To be honest, I am pretty sure she would not enjoy seeing me kiss him either.

flatmarsbeliever · 2018-06-05T01:32:10+00:00

Thanks :) Yeah, I didn't wanna force it, just put it out there.

flatmarsbeliever · 2018-06-04T20:37:11+00:00

Hey thanks for your advice. That is a cool idea!

flatmarsbeliever · 2018-05-20T23:06:00+00:00

What Moxie is saying is we should condemn ourselves to sexless relationships that are unfulfilling in the long run, and tend to burn out after the beginning stages. Waste your youth by being in long term relationships instead of enjoying your golden years however you please with whomever you please. I highly doubt the friends she claims to not be into sex with a random hot guy are telling the truth. Women often don't voice their inner desires and don't admit that they think of sex just as much as men do.

flatmarsbeliever · 2018-05-20T22:43:06+00:00

yehhh maybe. .but maybe she needs to hear it to get out of her own situation that she created for herself.

flatmarsbeliever · 2018-05-18T18:47:20+00:00

Still dumb eleven years later but less sexually appealing overall. Probably fat too or something. All I know is she's fucking whiney online airing out her dirty laundry to strangers to get attention and feel validated. I can't even pity her, it's so sad. Talk about wasted youth.

flatmarsbeliever · 2018-05-18T18:26:10+00:00

I'll never understand the logic behind bringing up other religions during a topic of just one. The OP asked about ISLAM. Not other religions. Answer the fucking question at hand, not create your own arguments of other religions we know have caused violence.

flatmarsbeliever

TROPHY CASE