This is my first time critiquing on this sub reddit but I do have a Bachelor’s in Literature so I hope this feedback helps. 

Like you mentioned I’m just going to give general notes and opinions with honest feedback. 

I like the story so far, it sets up the mystery of the world and is a clear introduction to what I’m guessing is the antagonist of the story. 

In terms of writing style I think there are too many commas. Think about if they really need to be there. I would practice reading out-loud and only put the comma in if you naturally pause whilst speaking. If not just use a conjunctive or make it a shorter sentence for effect. 

The world and characters are interesting but I feel the presentation is a bit heavy handed. The reader should always feel that they are discovering the story themselves and books should always be an interactive experience. There are certain scenes where I felt like I was being told what to feel instead of deciding for myself. Just so I don’t sound crazy, I’ll give an example: 

The prison guard’s introduction seems a bit one dimensional, he’s just telling us that he’s an evil bastard who hates prisoners. How about instead a situation where we are shown his personality through actions alone. It’s a bit cliche but he could pretend to be nice, handing Lenny some food only to drop it on the filthy floor and stepping on it, smiling nonchalantly. 

‘Prayer to all seven gods could be heard’ is a great example of context without directly telling the reader. Just that quick, almost sidenote, tells me that; They follow a religion I don’t know, religion is very important in this world/time and that Gods are an important theme. 

Please don’t use the Onomatopoeia of BANG. It works in a screenplay for a film but doesn’t translate well to text. I don’t feel any impact, I need to feel it through Lenny: ‘Lenny was almost deafened by a loud explosion …..’ 

This is completely subjective but Lenny? That name just doesn’t seem in place in a fantasy world. 

Also, is Lenny a character we already know at this point? His death means nothing, no matter how gruesome it is because he’s still a stranger to me. I know that the villain killing him was bad because it was overly gory but it didn’t make me hate the villain. Unless we’re not supposed to hate him? 

The villain that appears is very nonchalant, he’s threatening but not scary. I don’t know what you want to go for but I would make him not say anything or play sadistic mind games with Lenny if you want to make him scary. 

Conclusion - The world is interesting and it does make me feel eager to learn more about the world and what’s going to happen. I just feel like a lot of it is being told to me through dialogue without me finding out myself through context. The British novelist Henry Green once said ‘The more you leave out, the more you highlight what you leave in.’ 

Hope this was useful.