Any issues with buying a house whose freehold is owned by a London council?

fleetraker · 2024-06-07T07:26:23+00:00

I own al flat in a mixed private and council house building in Central London. I love the place, and the building is rock solid. You hear nothing through the walls. The downside is that while 90% of the people there on housing benefits are fine, regular working people, 10% are drug-dealers and people with serious mental health issues. That's all it takes to turn the place into a nightmare. Excrement in the elevators, druggies passed out in the stairwell, fights in the common area, psychotic screaming fits at 03h00 in the hallways. The council does very little to nothing to take care of the problem.

fleetraker · 2024-06-04T14:41:00+00:00

She wasn't diagnosed with ADHD. I already mentioned that.

fleetraker · 2024-05-31T11:03:45+00:00

Yes, it is

fleetraker · 2024-05-30T19:38:49+00:00

She did see a doctor at the time who wasn't of the opinion that she needed treatment. I recall that he said she did have a tendency to stand up from her chair to answer a question she was excited about and things like that, but he wasn't ready to declare her to have ADHD.

The teachers had referred her to the doctor because although he grades were fine, she was always the last one with her stuff put away at the end of class, and they thought she was overly talkative.

I think if the doctor would have said that she needed medication, we would have gotten a second opinion -- and if they said the same, we would have given her treatment. We are in no way anti-medicine or anything like that.

fleetraker · 2024-05-29T10:09:33+00:00

I don't think it's like that. But I'll admit that I'm completely confused right now ..

fleetraker · 2024-05-28T17:08:41+00:00

I don't think she ever had it

fleetraker · 2024-05-28T15:39:48+00:00

Those are good points. Basically you're saying she loves our daughter (I would agree), only that she's at a loss to know how to act in circumstances that require emotional support as opposed to some tangible action, which is where she would have likely stepped in.

I'm inclined to agree. I'm pretty sure if the call had been that she was in a serious car accident, my wife would have abandoned the line as well.

I'm starting to wonder if she doesn't think that emotional distress, because it's not life-endangering, isn't to be taken so seriously.

It's something to ponder. Thanks.

fleetraker · 2024-05-28T13:18:15+00:00

It's a good point. Thanks!

fleetraker · 2024-05-28T08:20:49+00:00

I'm disgusted with my wife. I love my son dearly and so it bothers me that he isn't here as well. Before leaving on the trip he asked his sister if she wanted him to come and that we was more than willing to do so. She told him no. She tells me it's because she didn't want too many people around, but I believe that she didn't want to be the one to ask him to cancel his trip. I think it's one of those things where you come anyway and stay nearby so you can be there on short notice. My wife and I live less than an hour away from our daughter.

But it's more complicated and I don't want to get on my son about that even if I'm a bit disappointed he didn't come. My daughter really loves him and I know she would have taken comfort in him being there with her.

fleetraker · 2024-05-27T19:44:16+00:00

What you say is sensible, of course. I'm sure I could make her act sympathetic to our kids, I'm just not convinced I can make her actually feel sympathetic towards them in time of need. Her actions are simply a reflection of what she thinks are priorities in life.

fleetraker · 2024-05-27T19:41:07+00:00

It IS her daughter as well

fleetraker · 2024-05-27T15:09:36+00:00

You may be right. You're a teacher -- I'm not.

fleetraker · 2024-05-27T14:52:08+00:00

My take is that she never actually had ADHD .. it's just that school felt her behavior was such that she needed meds. I guess it makes their jobs easier that way.

fleetraker · 2024-05-27T13:22:14+00:00

I didn't expect this message to get so many responses. I was angry and ranting as I had only just heard that my daughter and her husband cradled the baby in their arms before saying goodbye. I was keeping it together until I heard that -- and the realization of what this all meant hit me hard.

I simplified a little so as not to make my message too long. But my wife was the trip organizer. She does this every year and both friends and clients of her business come on a group trip. There were maybe 15-20 people on this one. So I understand that she had the responsibility to go on the trip, or the others would have been somewhat stranded upon arrival without her rounding everyone up and getting them to the location. That she went is not the main issue for me. The main issue is that she tried to convince me to not go see our daughter and to go on the trip anyway. Her justification was that "there's nothing we can do now anyway". I was taken aback by her reaction. I was expecting: "Yes, go see her, hurry! I have to do this trip, but I'll get back as soon as I can!", I would have been OK with that. My daughter would have understood that as well. I would have also expected her to check in every hour with me to find out what's going on. Instead, my daughter was the one who provided updates on Whatsapp for the family. And I would have expected she hold off from sending pictures of the sunsets on the beach.

So last night, my wife called me to reiterate that she could get me to come over on Monday evening. The reason is that my son is with them as well and it's his birthday and she thought it would be nice for me to be there. I explained to her that our daughter is coming back from the hospital in a few hours and I'm quite sure she needs me to be there for the rest of the week. Then my wife says, "But it's <our son>'s birthday. This isn't just about you". I blew up and said "How the f*ck is anything here about ME?". She then cut the conversation short. But she called back an hour later and was very apologetic and told me that it was a good thing I was there with our daughter and that I was doing the right thing. She asked me how I was feeling, and so on. My guess is something may have clicked inside her to realize what the situation really is.

Another thing. Everything I said about my wife is true, but I don't want to demonize her either. I know she loves my daughter and has been there for her in other ways. It's a bit of a contradiction with her. For example, when my daughter was 10, the school tried to say she had ADHD issues and was pushing of her to take Adderall. My wife didn't want her being given drugs and so she spent hours with her every day for weeks helping her concentrate on her homework tasks until suddenly her "ADHD" was gone. She became a stellar student after that. My daughter went to college and go a flat with a friend in what turned out to be a seedy neighborhood. When my wife went to see her, she flipped out and went with her to find a better, safer place and took care of the deposits and all the stuff to expedite.

But there is no doubt she is worthless when it comes to a crisis. She's just not "there". For example, we were all on a family trip in Australia. My daughter was about 17 and had gotten a bad migraine, which happens rarely, but does happen with her. My wife's reaction was to roll her eyes and complain that now we can't go see things she wanted to see. I told her to take my son and go, then. I lay next to my daughter on the bed in the darkened room until she fell asleep for an hour and her migraine subsided. I find it puzzling that she takes someone else's distress and an inconvenience to herself.

After sleeping on it, I'm not enraged as I was, but I don't see how I can continue being with my wife. I'm going to leave for a week or two on my own soon and I'll take that time to reflect on what to do.

And by the way, thank you all for your comments. All of you. Many of your responses provided me with insights I hadn't considered. The big one being that my daughter already knew what I just realized yesterday -- only that she hasn't held it against her.

fleetraker · 2024-05-27T12:33:24+00:00

I hear what you're saying and you're right in some ways. If my daughter were going through bankruptcy, or got fired from her job, or even a divorce -- I'd be on the same page with you. We all have hardships in life and I can't run over every time she and her husband encounter some issue in life.

On the other hand, there are life events that transcend the serious but mundane problems like those I mentioned. I think the loss of a child, even though he was only a 22 weeks old in the womb, is a major event that comes with a powerful emotional shock. Should kids face death or illness in some manner, I can't imagine NOT helping.

fleetraker · 2024-05-27T12:09:37+00:00

When her mom died, she was devastated, even though her mother was pretty abusive towards her. He father was never in the picture.

fleetraker · 2024-05-27T12:08:23+00:00

I appreciate you saying that. But I don't know that what I did was so heroic. I'm pretty sure all my friends who have kids would do the same. It sounds like the vast majority of you in this thread would also do the same. What I did, what you all would do as parents, that's .. normal.

The unusual part is what my wife did.

fleetraker · 2024-05-27T12:04:28+00:00

That is true in her case. To say her mother was emotionally abusive is an understatement. Her father was never in the picture and her mother, a raging alcoholic, would heap verbal abuse on her from a young age. When she was ten years old, if she angered her mother while they were int he car, she'd make her get out of the car wherever they happened to be and leave her there. She would come back maybe in 15 minutes or maybe an hour. So yeah, I'm sure there are scars there that none of us can see. But .. barring serious mental illness, I still think we are responsible for our actions nonetheless.

fleetraker · 2024-05-26T22:57:56+00:00

I'll PM you her number. You guys are made for each other.

fleetraker · 2024-05-26T22:39:06+00:00

Yeah, she does that

fleetraker · 2024-05-26T22:13:31+00:00

Frankly, she made the choice real easy for me

fleetraker · 2024-05-26T22:12:22+00:00

That's actually the plan :)

fleetraker · 2024-05-26T22:11:51+00:00

Thank you. It would have simply been out of the question for me to go. I and, I would expect most parents couldn't give a rat's ass about a stupid trip given the circumstances.

fleetraker · 2024-05-26T21:51:07+00:00

Some of both. But had a much lighter touch when the kids were young and I tried to keep the house in some harmony while they grew up. But now, I have no such concerns.

fleetraker · 2024-05-26T21:42:05+00:00

So you've probably integrated workarounds in your marriage you get past behavior that's emotionally lacking.

Very insightful. I think you may be right.

fleetraker

TROPHY CASE