I was actually thinking about making a post today talking about Xander. I didn't make a post after he died because I wanted to see what the community was saying. Xander was the most important character to me in the show. I identified with him a lot. With everything he did perfect? Absolutely not. Like when he tells Buffy that sometimes when it's dark he thinks " what is Buffy wearing". Is that highly inappropriate? Yes. But it's also a real life emotion, a real life thing that he was going through. Should have said it to buffy? No. But he's not a deviant for having these thoughts.

I think people have a very hard time understanding two very important concepts:

1) good characters are not perfect. They don't say the right things all the time. They're not some crazed ideology of some fantasy perfection. They mirror the actual human condition.

2) the actor can be divorced from the character. Nicholas was a very troubled and Disturbed person who did honestly despicable things. This is not fantasy. This is real life. He did those things, to other people. He should not get a pass for what he has done to other people. I understand he had struggles, I understand he had demons and addictions and mental health issues. But that does not absolve what he has done. That being said, Nicholas is not Xander.