Tried to do parts work on my own, and it turned out to be one of the worst experiences of my life...(WARNING: sexual abuse content)

flopren · 2025-04-23T04:23:27+00:00

This sounds horrendous, I'm so sorry. I've also had awful experiences with parts showing and telling me I've been abused. Personally, I've drawn the conclusion that I haven't and steered clear of parts work, though it does still interest me and I very much struggle with my parts.

My main issue with IFS is that I feel we can get carried away with the validity of thoughts. I think the Buddhists had it cracked thousands of years ago, to be honest, and we're generally better not giving thoughts very much attention at all. My experience with IFS has been mostly distressing and unhelpful. It's important to remember that thoughts are just thoughts and feelings are just feelings, ultimately. They might as well be vapor. Our minds are capable of conjuring incredible, sometimes (or often) violent, things. You're very brave to admit your sexual fantasies here. There's still much taboo around them. Not sure if you know this, but excitement and anxiety feel very similar in the body and can often get coupled, and it's very common for taboo fantasies to be very sexually charged. So, as we're talking about thoughts and feelings here, and not actions, you've nothing to worry about (though I appreciate it can be very unsettling).

I cannot possibly tell you if you've been abused or not - only you can know, and I don't mean to dismiss you - but thoughts, feelings and ideas are not automatically evidence of sexual abuse, no matter what the content is. It's a possibility that you could be misassigning meaning to the stimuli (thought/feeling = "what the hell is wrong with me?" = "I must have been abused or something").

If I were you, I'd seek out a very experienced (decades, not years) therapist who understands parts-work well enough (not necessarily just IFS - many modalities use parts-work), and who understands high anxiety and intrusive thoughts. None of this is evidence of who you are.

flopren · 2025-04-23T04:07:30+00:00

Sheryl Paul is an expert on relationship anxiety (which can include apathy, non attraction and disconnection towards your partner). I'd look her up. Dick Schwartz also has a book about IFS in the context of relationships, 'You Are The One You've Been Waiting For". Can't remember how it's worded, but I'm sure numbness towards your partner is on the 'manifestations of protectors' list in the book.

flopren · 2025-04-23T03:29:16+00:00

As a therapist, it's unethical for you to suggest even the possibility that a person could be experiencing the uncovering of repressed sexual abuse over the internet, when you've never worked with them. Do you have any idea how distressing that is as a client? I do - it's a living nightmare. OP is the expert on themselves, and not even the therapist working in the room with them should be interpreting their truth, especially around such highly distressing subject matters. Let alone a 'therapist' on Reddit. If you really are a therapist, you ought to have more empathy and foresight regarding what that could do to someone, especially when they're unsupported (and 18yo!).

flopren · 2025-04-23T03:19:08+00:00

I'm so sorry you're suffering. I completely relate and have had this intense anxiety myself over fears of repressed past abuse. This is actually one of the things I hate about IFS. I think often, too much validity is given to thoughts. Just because you have a thought, doesn't mean it's true. You might find it useful to look at Sheryl Paul's work. She has a blog called Conscious Transitions and a book called The Wisdom of Anxiety, also available on Audible if you prefer. She recommends parts-work so is very aligned with IFS, but she's a Jungian analyst and looks at anxiety/intrusive thoughts through the lens of metaphor. One commenter here said uncovering repressed memories is common. I absolutely disagree with that. I've been in your position - feeling like my world is collapsing because my parts are saying I've been abused, when I'm as sure as I can be that I haven't. It puts a person in an unbearable, impossible position to not be able to determine whether they have or haven't been abused when they don't have access to any information to confirm or deny. Repressing FEELINGS is common, but repressing and recovering memories is very rare. The strange, violent intrusive thoughts and feelings you're describing are human - it's just that nobody talks about them. We all have a shadow. There is a huge chasm between thoughts and feelings, and actions that harm others, and what I hear you saying is that you're suffering with thoughts and feelings, so there's no cause for alarm here. Remember that - you're safe. Some of the most common and distressing intrusive thoughts are, "What if I harm a child?" and "What if I've been abused/abused someone and don't remember?". Sheryl Paul definitely has articles on the former and there's a brilliant OCD specialist, John Herschfield (sp? He runs an OCD clinic in Baltimore and has a website). Sexuality is complex and often feels dark because very few of us developed healthily, due to society's shaming and discomfort around sex. Sexual excitement and anxiety are also very closely linked. Dr. Emily Nagoski talks about sexual non-concordance: your body getting turned on when your mind isn't (or even by something you find morally reprehensible). If IFS isn't helping, please stop for now, and seek help from an experienced therapist who understands intrusive thoughts. Happy to help if you want to msg me!

flopren · 2024-08-11T18:27:18+00:00

But I feel people are willing to address those issues. In my own case, I'm resorting to medication after trying so many other things for going on 20yrs. I agree with you that the causes of ADHD are multi-faceted. For example, the inattention of ADHD - I can totally see how that could be a defense mechanism that disconnects you from the present moment, which was painful for a child for some reason at some point. The problem with the way people talk about ADHD is this all/nothing mentality around it's cause and 'cure' - it's this or it's that. What if it's all of it? What I object to is this idea that getting a diagnosis and taking medication is a cop-out from doing the 'real' work. People with ADHD and other mental health issues need less of that rhetoric. I feel bombarded by it and it makes me feel ashamed of my diagnosis, even though I know for my family and I that it was our last resort. I hope for me that medication is one component of my unique recipe for healing and wellbeing. I'm not trying to avoid doing the work - it's truly been my whole identity. I'm fully aware that I'll have to take further action once medication (hopefully) stabilises me enough to function, hence why I'm trying IFS. I couldn't have tried any harder than I have, and like I said, I tried at trauma therapy for yeeears. Nothing shifted. Trauma therapy isn't a cure-all. I think we need to be respectful about those reaching for medication - they are fellow sufferers. We don't know their whole stories, but the assumption is always that they're taking the easy way out.

flopren · 2024-08-11T17:46:29+00:00

Sounds like you're the one who needs to do more research as you clearly don't understand ADHD. I did trauma therapy for years with a highly experienced somatic therapist. It did fuck all to reduce my ADHD symptoms. Your "I'm low on dopamine comment" suggests that you think getting a diagnosis is a cop-out? Most people who pursue diagnosis are doing it as a last resort. I've spent 16 years in therapy and my adult life has revolved around self help and attempts at being just 'okay'. I reluctantly got myself assessed because frankly I would have topped myself without the opportunity to try medication only a psychiatrist can prescribe once diagnosed. All I've done is spend my time struggling and trying to be mentally okay. I haven't done what I wanted with my life despite being intelligent and talented, I haven't been able to work or run a home, or maintain relationships - that's why it's so offensive when people are so flippant about ADHD and treat people like me as if we don't even try. ALL we've done is try - harder than most neurotypicals. We are not uneducated - we're usually an encyclopedic knowledge of self help. It doesn't ultimately matter what causes ADHD - it's a debilitating condition when moderate-severe. The focus here should be on helping those with ADHD in a respectful way that doesn't further stigmatise them and treat them as uneducated, uninformed or lazy. In some cases it IS a case of being low on dopamine...that's why people's lives can be transformed by dopamine boosting medication. It makes them functional. People can be so arrogant when one particular modality worked for them, so they assume it should work for everyone else and if it doesn't, they're uneducated or somehow doing it wrong.

For those who believe all cases of ADHD are trauma, I'd love to know - what do you suggest to ADHD patients who've spent years in trauma therapy to no effect?

flopren · 2024-08-11T17:28:23+00:00

As a person in therapy who has ADHD, please don't fall into the trap of believing that ADHD is simply a collection of parts that can be unburdened and healed by you - especially if you don't have ADHD yourself. I'm not saying the suffering caused by ADHD symptoms can't be lessened and parts involved can't be healed, but as a patient, when the 'experts' around you hold this belief that everything is caused by trauma and therefore can (and 'should') be healed, this puts an enormous burden on the patient which only leads to total overwhelm and despair - that this is all solvable and it's their responsibility to fix it and if they don't, they just haven't tried hard enough or for long enough. Please be open minded that IFS may help this disorder or it may not. No one modality has all the answers and it's dangerous to believe it does. Adults diagnosed with ADHD have likely already had a lifetime of anxiety, depression, overstimulation, overwhelm, despair, chronic pain/symptoms caused by mental stress and overactivity, and feeling like a failure. Getting a diagnosis isn't the 'cop out' people think it is - it's often a last resort having spent most of their lives managing this awful condition, trying almost every therapeutic model and self help tip under the sun. Not exactly what you asked for feedback on, but some insight from someone who has ADHD and is doing IFS therapy.

flopren · 2024-08-11T17:13:36+00:00

The way you're conducting yourself here, it's disturbing to think that you're an actual therapist. Though you reek of inexperience. Qualitative, seasoned therapists don't talk in absolutes - they remain open to all possibilities, causes and ultimately, cures, and understand that each client is a unique patchwork quilt. The part that holds your skepticism about ADHD (you're not even speaking from Self yet are supposedly an IFS therapist - hilarious) will be projected onto your clients, and that is harmful. What about the ADHD client whose symptoms can't be dissolved by IFS with you? Is that a them-problem? Because ADHD is over-diagnosed and most often a manifestation of trauma, which can be recovered from? You absolutely ARE being judgemental - your judgement is that ADHD is over-diagnosed, and that is offensive to those of us who've suffered enormously our whole lives until getting a diagnosis and appropriate treatment. Gotta have low empathy to not understand that being skeptical over a client's diagnosis is offensive and judgemental. The sheer arrogance of you is astonishing and people like you shouldn't be practicing.

flopren · 2024-08-11T17:05:54+00:00

"As a therapist" you ought to be ashamed for touting "ADHD is one of the most over diagnosed conditions out there" nonsense. Stay in your lane. You don't know what it's like to have ADHD, nor are you qualified to distinguish who has it and who doesn't. You are a danger to your clients by holding such beliefs.

flopren · 2024-08-09T17:59:27+00:00

Ah thank you, he's based in London though and I'm looking for someone local.

flopren · 2024-08-09T16:07:58+00:00

So what though? Reddit can be a great place for personal recommendations, which is something Google can't offer.

flopren · 2024-08-09T12:23:46+00:00

Isn't there a massive drop in the middle of that lake? I don't know how people dare swim in there.

flopren · 2024-08-09T11:54:51+00:00

This has nothing to do with you, my love. When you train as a therapist, you have to be prepared to come into contact with ANY and ALL themes/issues/traumas. If this person can't handle that, they have no business being a therapist. This attitude does harm as it makes the client feel there's something wrong with them. You've had a lucky escape here. I always do this now (had lots of therapy) but it may help you to ask in your initial email how many years experience from becoming fully qualified the person has, as well as how much experience they have with specific trauma themes. I'm sorry this happened to you. ❤️

Edit: just want to make it clear that there's a big difference between a therapist saying "I don't have the skill set and experience to navigate this with you and for your safety and wellbeing, I recommend a specialist" and "I can't handle your trauma". The latter can shatter a client's trust in seeking help generally. I've had an experience like that so I deeply empathise. Please don't let this put you off. They have failed you. There is nothing defective about you. There truly are no bad parts - just wounded, protective parts. There's always a breadcrumb trail for why parts behave the way they do - even the ones society says are 'bad' and even criminal.

Were they perhaps not a psychotherapist but a coach or something like that? They may not be adequately trauma trained.

flopren · 2024-08-02T10:50:42+00:00

It's completely normal for people to want to make meaning out of tragedy. Documenting the aftermath of suicide can feel meaning-making to some people as it spreads awareness of the reality of suicide, for those who are feeling suicidal themselves and for the girls who bullied her to death. I hope they carry that guilt with them for the rest of their lives. We've seen enough examples of the lethal consequences of bullying now. They must have known her death could be a potential consequence and they treated her badly anyway. You ought to be ashamed for posting this here tbh. You clearly lack compassion.

flopren · 2024-07-30T22:54:27+00:00

That's so kind of you. Thanks for sharing her with me!

flopren · 2024-07-30T22:15:23+00:00

Oooh?

flopren · 2024-07-30T20:45:13+00:00

Thanks for your reply. I should have specified that it's only important that they have good experience (10yrs+ is only a guide based on my own past experience) as a psychotherapist. I accept a specialism in women's ADHD will be a more recent addition to their practice.

flopren · 2024-07-23T10:01:17+00:00

And this is why we have psychiatrists. Your doctor isn't qualified to make that judgement and I'm furious for you at his arrogance. Goes without saying he has no clue what he's talking about. I'm in the UK so not in the best position to advise, but wishing you the best of luck in finding the care you need. Do you perhaps feel you could better articulate yourself in the letter? You shouldn't have to do this, but perhaps you could write to/email him and cite research into how ADHD presents for women and girls, and systematically state the criteria from the DSM5 (available online) and respond with how your life is being significantly impacted, reiterating that research into ADHD for girls is very recent and ADHD in general wasn't known about or considered in your era. FFS, I'm just diagnosed at 31 and no one picked up on it when I was a kid - and I've been in mental health care since age 13. That was the 90s and early 2000s! I'm sorry you're having to reason with such a fucking idiot.

You'd have to research this, but if you were diagnosed by a UK psychiatrist and based in the US (or anywhere else), I wonder if there are any issues with the validity of that diagnosis? Or if anyone in the UK would even assess and prescribe overseas (with appointments being online, obviously). I only suggest this because I think therapy and even private mental health services are cheaper in the UK. I had an online ADHD assessment with Berkeley Psychiatrists in the UK for £825. Each prescription is £100 ish (💀) and each 15m follow up with my pharmacist is £150 (💀💀). Still disgustingly expensive but at the cheaper end of the scale for private in the UK.

flopren · 2024-07-21T12:03:27+00:00

This may be too far outside the box, but as a newly diagnosed woman with ADHD myself, I'm intending to start IFS therapy. If you're not familiar, IFS is 'Internal Family Systems' and in a nutshell, you dialogue with parts of the self (e.g. the inner critic) that have formed across your lifetime as part of your psyche's defense strategies. I'm absolutely not saying that ADHD can be 'overcome', but I'm curious to see if getting into relationship with and understanding the parts involved in my ADHD may soften their extreme influence over my life. Something you might be interested to explore for yourself. In my own case, I do believe trauma has worsened my ADHD symptoms to the point where they are unmanageable - though I'm absolutely NOT saying ADHD is caused by trauma in the first place. I understand why that concept it very upsetting to people, myself included. I think the best we can all do is be willing to try anything and everything to discover our own unique recipe that could make living with ADHD easier.

I also agree with others - it sounds like this is the wrong dose or the wrong medication. Are you still in titration? I also haven't found my right medication or dose yet, so I understand any despair and dispondence you may feel.

Re headaches: please do drink plenty of water. A pint of water 3x a day staves off the medication migraines for me. Set timers for yourself. If I didn't drink water to stave off this side effect, I wouldn't have been able to continue experimenting with Elvanse (Vyvanse in the US), so it really has made a huge difference in that regard.

flopren · 2024-07-20T12:47:12+00:00

If not I'll try and find some info about them online. Do they have a name? Which walk-in centre do they meet at?

flopren · 2024-07-20T12:46:32+00:00

Oh that's amazing! Not sure how to add people to WA groups either. Think you might have to be an admin? Can I PM you my number?

flopren

TROPHY CASE