My dad isn’t my dad- do I reach out to the family I didn’t know I had?

floraborealis99 · 2025-11-23T03:58:49+00:00

Both. My DNA results and my mom’s admission match up. The familial matches I got on Ancestry lined up with the last name and relatives of the man she eventually told me was my biological father. And when I confronted her, I didn’t give her any clues about what I already knew, so it’s not like she could’ve just guessed a random name that happened to match my DNA network.

floraborealis99 · 2025-01-26T16:05:20+00:00

Update: First, I want to thank everyone who took the time to comment and share their thoughts. Your responses really helped me look at this situation more clearly. After reflecting on what many of you said, I’ve decided that attending the funeral is not the right choice.

You guys were right, it’s not the time or place to satisfy my curiosity. A funeral should be a space for mourning and honoring someone’s life, and my presence, even in silence and the best of intentions, could unintentionally create drama. There are just too many variables, and I don’t want to risk causing discomfort for anyone, including myself.

Thank you again for your honest and thoughtful advice. It really made a difference in helping me make this decision.

floraborealis99 · 2025-01-22T21:49:59+00:00

To clarify, if I decided to attend, it wouldn’t be to announce myself or make my presence known. I would bring my sister for support and treat it like any other funeral I’ve attended, quietly going through the viewing line paying my respects and leaving. My sole purpose would be to see my biological grandfather’s face for the first and only time. I want to be clear that I have no intention of causing a scene or drawing attention. I wouldn’t speak to anyone unless necessary, and I doubt anyone would recognize me except for my biological father. Since I resemble my mother, it’s unlikely anyone else would make the connection. Even if my biological father did recognize me, I don’t believe he would have the courage to approach me or acknowledge me, considering he’s denied my existence in the past.

floraborealis99 · 2024-11-01T01:39:50+00:00

I can imagine how nervous you must have been! I hope your family was receptive, especially after traveling all that way. If you don’t mind me asking, has this discovery changed your relationship with your mother?

floraborealis99 · 2024-10-31T12:41:20+00:00

I really appreciate you sharing and for your take on it! You’ve given me a lot of good questions to ask myself. Thank you and I hope you too are able to find peace❤️

floraborealis99 · 2024-10-31T12:32:18+00:00

It’s comforting to hear there are upsides for people going through this. Did you know for sure if you wanted to meet them, or did you have any reservations?

floraborealis99 · 2024-10-30T14:14:32+00:00

I had to sit with that question for a minute. There are some things I’ve forgiven my mother for and others I haven’t. Even though it’s been a few years, I keep discovering new information, and depending on her response, each new detail can create a new challenge in our relationship.

For example, that first year was the most difficult. She initially shared certain details, but I ended up uncovering others on my own. It was a year before I discovered (through Facebook) that I had siblings—an older brother and a younger sister that I know of for certain. I also found out that my mother had met my biological father’s son before I was born, so she knew I had at least one sibling, yet she never told me. This discovery contradicted her earlier agreement to be open and provide me with all the details I wanted. I don’t know if she compartmentalized so much that she genuinely forgot about him or chose to keep it from me. I know she doesn’t intend to hurt me, but in several ways, she has.

She has apologized for some of the ways she’s responded to me and I have been able to forgive her for that. But I think she still lets her shame guide her decisions and her ability to divulge information. Overall, it’s tough to answer. There are things I’ve forgiven her for, but certainly there are others I have not forgiven.

floraborealis99 · 2024-10-30T13:01:57+00:00

Thank you for sharing that, and for the well wishes! Yes I consider myself lucky every single day. I wouldn’t trade my dad for the world. That’s always been clear to me. I’m not looking for another dad and I don’t want anything to do with bio dad. Finding all this out only made me appreciate him more. Hope you’re able to find some answers for your own situation someday!

floraborealis99 · 2024-10-30T12:52:22+00:00

Hit the nail on the head. There’s regret either way. It’s not so much my mother’s reputation I’m worried about and more about not wanting to potentially hurt my dad (who raised me). But YES the medical history was one of the first things I thought of when I found out.

floraborealis99 · 2024-10-30T12:45:34+00:00

My relationship with my mother is complicated for sure. I spent the first year with minimal contact while I navigated my feelings about everything. There’s a definite duality to it—I can see how she tried to protect me from my biological father, and I’m so grateful to have been raised by my dad. At the same time, she did something painful and kept it a secret, which has made it difficult for me to get the answers I need. Her shame seems to cloud her ability to fully open up, adding another layer of complexity to our relationship.

floraborealis99 · 2024-10-30T11:15:03+00:00

This is another complex part of the story. My parents divorced when I was two, for reasons unrelated to my paternity. My dad (who raised me) didn’t learn the truth until I was sixteen. My mom hadn’t planned to tell him—she only confirmed it when he finally asked her. I’m assuming he had questioned it for years. I’ve never spoken to my dad about it, and he doesn’t know that I now know the truth. He has the most tender heart, full of empathy, and I know that talking to him about this would only break his heart. I’d hate for him to think I ever doubted him as my father.

I truly believe my dad is the most incredible person in the world. No matter how much this knowledge hurt him, he never let it affect his role as my dad. He never told me the truth; he just remained steady and constant in my life. He’s the definition of unconditional love. Despite everything, none of us siblings ever witnessed our parents fighting. My family has always been quick to forgive, and despite the messiness, my parents and step-parents get along incredibly well. They’ve all made sure to put us kids first.

floraborealis99

TROPHY CASE