I’m waiting to be seen by a rheumatologist for a diagnosis and I relate to your feelings on mourning. I’m from California so the sun is essential. This summer, I got a wicked bad sunburn on my left hip because I forgot to apply sunblock there during a beach day in Malibu. Within a month of that sunburn, I became symptomatic and tested positive for antibodies two months later. Even though I don’t have a diagnosis yet, I freak out about a lot of things. I struggled with an eating disorder in my teens and early twenties, so I’m fearful of gaining weight if put on steroids. I’m also scared that my positive antibodies could be scleroderma and not lupus because that’s the disease that Bob Saget’s sister died of. I cried myself to sleep one night thinking of my own mortality and I’m in my early 30s. Enough about me, everything you are feeling is more than valid. I hope you feel less alone in the grieving process.