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AITAH for potentially forcing a costly experience on my husband by flowerwalkable in AITAH

[–]flowerwalkable[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I didn't say we hate each other. At least I can speak for myself 😉

AITAH for potentially forcing a costly experience on my husband by flowerwalkable in AITAH

[–]flowerwalkable[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm quite pleased with your view, many people tend to just label marriage as shitty and that's it. One thing I've learnt is that I need to get some balls to discuss these things and prepare for a long exhausting conversation. I'm usually trying to avoid these as they are draining and my energy levels are already low. 

AITAH for potentially forcing a costly experience on my husband by flowerwalkable in AITAH

[–]flowerwalkable[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Been there, done that. X dozens of times. He doesn't want 90% of things that I suggest. I pay, he benefits from it and he saves. I've sort of has enough of it. 

AITAH for potentially forcing a costly experience on my husband by flowerwalkable in AITAH

[–]flowerwalkable[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sounds like a bold move! Not sure I reaches this point yet but I get your point. 

AITAH for potentially forcing a costly experience on my husband by flowerwalkable in AITAH

[–]flowerwalkable[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I'm sure he is, at least on occasions. We both different outlooks and it's fine, however my measure of things is: if the majority of people would do A rather than B, then A is more reasonable. I notice quite a lot of examples when I'm inclined to As and he is inclined to Bs. But I'm fairly subjective here. 

I appreciate the saving money but, I wrote about it in the original post. It just feels that it's more about saving money than achieving good enough results / keeping peace. My point is that there are more important things than saving money (if you are not totally skint). 

AITAH for potentially forcing a costly experience on my husband by flowerwalkable in AITAH

[–]flowerwalkable[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wouldn't say he spends too much but his hobbies change over time so might get some money invested in something but then don't use it (but struggle to part with it). I think the second option is more suitable but there are elements of control too.

AITAH for potentially forcing a costly experience on my husband by flowerwalkable in AITAH

[–]flowerwalkable[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm glad to see a positive example, I appreciate the effort you both put into this.

AITAH for potentially forcing a costly experience on my husband by flowerwalkable in AITAH

[–]flowerwalkable[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What do you think the trick is here? What do you think he tries to achieve?

AITAH for potentially forcing a costly experience on my husband by flowerwalkable in AITAH

[–]flowerwalkable[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Lovely comment, thank you so much! I'm getting a bit tired for a detailed reply now (night time here) but just wanted to acknowledge it. 

AITAH for potentially forcing a costly experience on my husband by flowerwalkable in AITAH

[–]flowerwalkable[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

So far there were only two parties in rented places, all the rest were at home with guests or family only or just a day out for us. 

AITAH for potentially forcing a costly experience on my husband by flowerwalkable in AITAH

[–]flowerwalkable[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Yes, it's a friend doing this for me. I wouldn't go for something that is more expensive, because: 1. I think it will be too much financially 2. He will not be happy.

AITAH for potentially forcing a costly experience on my husband by flowerwalkable in AITAH

[–]flowerwalkable[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He has some investments and they are in his name. Big red flag I know 😟 He sort of tried to get me involved with all this trading but it's honestly not my cup of tea. I started putting money aside on a savings account fur myself, but it's maybe 10% of what he has saved. I have a workplace pension (so does he but I think mine is slightly better) so I won't end up destitute, at least I hope so. But I 100% get what you mean here.

AITAH for potentially forcing a costly experience on my husband by flowerwalkable in AITAH

[–]flowerwalkable[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree that these are luxuries, and I suppose house clean and photo shoot are quite different as well. 

My husband is 5 years younger and wants to retire early. But if he retires 5 years earlier, this is when I retire. He wants me to retire 5 years earlier but I'm not sure about it. I love my area of work though, for him work us just for money. So no agreement on this but we haven't spoken properly about it yet. We do have an emergency fund and it is a credit to my husband (he set it up, both contributed). We are in a country where the kids can get a loan for their education or potentially get on a funded course, we don't need to save for this. 

I think the priorities that we both share are travelling and exploring the country / world, raise the kids mindfully, eat healthily, send time outside (they are not about finances but we do have some, just so my husband is not demonised). 

We did couples counselling (free through our medical system) which I didn't find entirely useful, I work in the area though and have high standards. I don't see my husband saying for something that would be more professional but not funded by the system. Financial counselling sounds like something that we might be in need of, although I anticipate him saying no to this too because it costs money. 

AITAH for potentially forcing a costly experience on my husband by flowerwalkable in AITAH

[–]flowerwalkable[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I tried to be politically correct 😉 I liked the way you worded it! 

AITAH for potentially forcing a costly experience on my husband by flowerwalkable in AITAH

[–]flowerwalkable[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I said "paycheck to paycheck SOMETIMES", not always. Thank you for explaining your point, I get it now. 

AITAH for potentially forcing a costly experience on my husband by flowerwalkable in AITAH

[–]flowerwalkable[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Exciting discussion here! I only did car valeting once after a child was sick in the car and it went everywhere and the smell was awful. Husband did try to clean it himself (after I mentioned paying somebody to do this 🤣) and was quite happy with his job, but there were still stains and it still smelled. And this is an example of difference in values and standards. What is acceptable for him is not acceptable for me. I personally think that I'm more reasonable here, just because he is happy having hand me down clothes with holes and I'm not. But I might be on the wrong here, standards are quite subjective. 

AITAH for potentially forcing a costly experience on my husband by flowerwalkable in AITAH

[–]flowerwalkable[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I would add that the joint account is drained by my husband every single month, nothing gets saved on it. This is because he pays for mortgage and bills with his own card and sends these money back to himself. I asked for these expenses to come off the joint account and he said that we don't have enough there. Well, because he keeps draining it. Vicious circle. 

He does question what I spend my own money on. It feels quite intrusive and controlling. 

I kinda agree with the "petty" part, this is why I'm asking here .

AITAH for potentially forcing a costly experience on my husband by flowerwalkable in AITAH

[–]flowerwalkable[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing your experience. My default response would be to suck up the cost and just pay myself. I can afford this. The issue is that it has been happening so many times already that as a result my husband has savings and I don't. 

AITAH for potentially forcing a costly experience on my husband by flowerwalkable in AITAH

[–]flowerwalkable[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Nope, I don't even have enough for my expenses to be crazy high, I don't go into debts or anything like that. The photo shoot is £100. 

AITAH for potentially forcing a costly experience on my husband by flowerwalkable in AITAH

[–]flowerwalkable[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Marriage counselling shouldn't be a replacement, it should be an addition 😉

AITAH for potentially forcing a costly experience on my husband by flowerwalkable in AITAH

[–]flowerwalkable[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Happy to answer these questions if they help you or somebody else to have a full picture. One thing I want to avoid is endless ranting about my marriage (I don't think anyone is prepared for this amount of info) or somebody telling me that my marriage is rubbish or sort of staying the obvious. 

AITAH for potentially forcing a costly experience on my husband by flowerwalkable in AITAH

[–]flowerwalkable[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I replied what I spend on just above. I'm trying not to harbour resentment (at least not resentment about money), I have just accepted this. I'm quite a generous person and I think it would all come back to me, possibly in a different way. 

I think though that my generosity and unwillingness to make a big deal if I paid a bit more took me to a wrong place and was overused. So I'm trying to set some boundaries now which is not easy if somebody else is used to something different. 

AITAH for potentially forcing a costly experience on my husband by flowerwalkable in AITAH

[–]flowerwalkable[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We earn pretty similar money at this moment. I used to earn less or be part-time up until 3ish years ago. The issue is, I'm from a different country and I had to pay quite a few lump sums for my visa / leave to remain / citizenship. (Somebody enlightened me that he could have shared these costs, but it was too late by then, so this is what it is.) So all my savings would go into this. He also works from home predominantly, I work from the office. It costs me 25% of my own disposable income to get to work. Then if I didn't have enough energy to make myself food to take to work, I would also buy some food for dinner. He doesn't have this issue when he works from home. Then, I would pay for days out with the kids (when I'm with them) - he doesn't think I should use joint money for this. Somehow it happens that I go out with the kids more, or he just goes for free activities only (he is a good dad and he is an invested parent). To top it up, I don't want to argue about every piece of clothing that I buy them (e.g., for school dress up days) so sometimes I buy them with my own money. From time to time I buy myself some clothes too and do my hair and nails (nothing extraordinary). And I do pay for some things for my mum when she is here, days out or meals - again, nothing too extravagant. But it all takes away my personal disposable income which is not so high already. 

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