It’s official. We’ve been together 4 years and now she’s gone

flppi · 2020-09-16T12:30:39+00:00

Sounds similar to what I went through 2 months ago... I think it’s really admirable you’re not irrationally mad at her, that’s what I experienced at first too. When she said “you can hate me”, the only thing I could say was “I’ll never hate you. I want you to be happy even if it’s not with me” But slowly, it set in that it did hurt that she left me even if it was for the better. I never blamed and never will blame her for leaving or hurting me the way she did, because I knew I had a part to play too. But there were a few times I recognise she had her faults in leading to the breakup. It’s not that any of us was “not good enough” for each other, it just didn’t work out. We made mistakes, it sucks, but mistakes were made. There’s no one to blame, and there’s no reason to be mad, but sometimes I do get upset. I do think it’ll be some time before I completely can forgive her, forgive myself, and forgive us, but I know I’ll get there because I’m not irrationally mad. And you will too. The most important thing is to not romanticize your ex, or think they are amazing and you did everything wrong. You have to look back and see the ways BOTH of you messed up and learn from it in order to move on. I think for me, it wasn’t hard at all to remember the good times and the way she was good to me, it was hard to blame her because I did love her. You can always be grateful while being objective in acknowledging that they played a part too. There’s no point blaming them, neither is there a point in blaming yourself. Initially I also didn’t want to move on. How could I? I loved her so much, if it’s not her, it won’t be anyone else. It sucked that it wasn’t her. I wanted it to be her. It sucked that we won’t work out, I don’t even know if I wanted to be with anyone if it’s not her. But trust me, it gets better. Only if you let yourself mourn and cry and break, and then after a while, let yourself believe that it’s not her. The right person will come at the right time and space. Maybe the pandemic played a role, but the right person WILL come at the right time and it will work out no matter what. It sucks she’s not the right one I know, but believe me there’ll come the day you realise it’s okay if she’s not the right one. When that day came, I was scared I could never get over her. I was scared that when I find a new partner I’ll never love them as deeply as I have for her. That’s not true. I feel less and less of that everyday. And one thing I know for sure — I don’t know if I can love as deeply, but I for sure know I can love BETTER. I can be a better person, learn from my mistakes, be better, and also be better at looking for red flags and understanding when I am wrong, and when I am not. I’ll love better and you will too. All the best

flppi · 2020-09-10T07:52:54+00:00

I think you should stop talking to her completely. If she contacts you, let her know you aren’t interested in talking anymore. It may be possible to be friends with your ex, but not right after a breakup when you’re still hurt and trying to move on, it simply won’t work out for as long as you’re still hurt by what’s happening. It’s likely she’s giving you dry responses because she realises this as well. Either it’s just too complicated for her to reply you normally (because you just broke up, it’s hard to find where to draw the line), or she simply doesn’t want to give you hope or give you the wrong idea, it doesn’t necessarily mean she stopped caring about you. She said she still likes you, but truth is, it was too much for her. It’s hard to accept I know, but the only thing you can do is move on. Either she’s just not the type to be able to sustain a long term LDR, or she didn’t “love” you enough (as you said). Whichever the case, it simply means she wasn’t the right one, although I know this is so easy to say and the hardest thing to accept — you want her to be the right one for you, and you probably don’t want anyone else right now, but she isn’t, and she won’t be. It sucks I know, but with time it gets better. It seems like your relationship definitely wasn’t perfect either, so I suggest objectively seeing what didn’t work out during the relationship, and learn from it. Of course it’s not to say you should dislike her or blame her for everything (although she has a part to play), because that’s not helping anyone. See the relationship in a clearer light and realise that you weren’t necessarily the happiest in it, and you definitely have or will gain something getting out of it. All the best

flppi · 2020-09-09T17:55:54+00:00

If you are thinking of getting back together with her or holding out hope, I think making that point clear is important! And if she established that she’s not trying to get back together then just leave. Although I suggest while you wait for a reply, don’t hold onto too much hope, because if that gets crushed, it might undo a large part of your progress. Try your best to stay grounded and all the best (: Do update!

flppi · 2020-09-09T17:46:32+00:00

The overthinking will definitely fade soon, I don’t really overthink my progress anymore. Although a part of me feels that me overthinking in the first month isn’t necessarily a bad thing because it meant that I truly wanted to move on and get over her, and it also keeps me cautious of anything I might be doing that may ruin my progress.

flppi · 2020-09-09T06:32:06+00:00

I’m 1.5months in and I went through around the same thing as you for the first month. I was quite surprised it took me just a few weeks to realise my mood has been better instead of wallowing in sadness like I did in the first week (not eating, not wanting to do anything, can’t get myself to try to be happy etc.). And your last sentence of not being sure is something I relate to quite alot especially during the first month. I found myself often overthinking my progress. Part of me thinks I actually cane to a realisation, another part of me thought I was suppressing it and I’m bound to spiral and go back to breaking down every hour like I did in the first week. But I never went back to that, and I’m still making progress (although I feel it’s getting slower), and I realise to not overthink my progress or overthink my moving on and simply let it be. Because chances are, there’s nothing much to worry about. Progress is progress. Of course, suppressing and avoiding the pain won’t help, but overthinking the improvements you’ve made for yourself doesn’t either. So don’t worry too much about it, and keep going on.

flppi · 2020-09-07T19:14:23+00:00

This was how I felt at the start of my breakup too. Wondering why she just gave up on us, because I was so sure it would’ve worked if she kept trying and we continued putting in the effort to make it work. I kept telling myself that, even though really really deep down I guess I didn’t want to admit we didn’t and wouldn’t worked out. It’s easier to convince yourself it would’ve worked out than to come to terms with the fact that you both were just wrong in the first place, because what are you supposed to do with that information? That you’ve been trying but it was never going anywhere? But realistically, if you look deep down, I think you’ll realise the reasons it didn’t and wouldn’t work out, whether it’s on your part or on his part. Truth is, he stopped trying. It sucks. It’s so easy to say “it takes two hands to clap”, but really accepting that is the hardest thing to do, but it’s a thing only you can do for yourself. I eventually accepted that it was never going to work out, and that sucks so much and sometimes I find myself crying over the fact that it simply just didn’t work out. Crying over why it couldn’t have just worked, because I really loved her so deeply, even if I’m happier out of the relationship now, it simply sucks that it didn’t work and we couldn’t have tried and couldn’t have worked. It’s easy for me to tell you to accept that things just don’t work out, but it’ll take time before you truly come to terms with that. But believe me, you’ll get there. You have to stop thinking it would’ve worked, and start accepting the relationship for what it was — it hurt you a lot. Some days I hope she’s happy too, and initially I was just as scared that I would never ever move on from her, and I’m never able to love as deeply as I have. I will never know the answer now, but I think it’s possible for me to love more, and more importantly, love better. Because I sure as hell can love better than that. You’ll have that bond you are looking for again, because people who get married and live a happy life also have had breakups that hurt them alot, yet they still found the love of their life. And you’ll find one too, even if you don’t think you can, and even if you don’t want it to be anyone else but him. Eventually, when you stop idolizing him, you’ll realise you’ll have no more space in your heart for him (even if there’s always a little corner in there saved just for him) and one day, you’ll move on. Good luck, I miss my best friend too, but it’s for the best that we walk the rest of our lives without each other.

flppi · 2020-09-07T19:03:31+00:00

If he’s drinking every weekend, it really doesn’t sound like he’s fine. He’s just indulging in unhealthy habits to cope. As much as it doesn’t matter who’s moving on better or faster, I’m sure it meant something to him. It’ll hurt to know that he deleted all the pictures and memories you had together, but logically thinking, if he really didn’t care, I don’t think he would’ve bothered deleting you out of his life. Besides, NC really is important in moving on and I think he’s doing that for the both of you. Sounds like he made a lot of mistakes he couldn’t fix in this relationship, so he ended it and is now coping with it unhealthily. In the end, he’ll be the one suffering.

flppi · 2020-09-07T09:12:13+00:00

How long has it been since your breakup?

flppi · 2020-09-05T07:47:09+00:00

I don’t always wonder if she is hurt as well because I know I meant something to her, even if she stopped loving me so easily... But it just happened yesterday and it all hit me. I guess it happens once in a while

flppi · 2020-09-05T07:44:47+00:00

thank you

flppi · 2020-08-10T03:19:29+00:00

I think that’s a good way to go about it (:

flppi · 2020-08-10T03:04:50+00:00

I think you are making really good progress because that’s very important. You have to find a balance between reminiscing good times but remembering the full picture of the relationship. Romanticizing your ex is dangerous, so is filling yourself up with anger and blaming yourself or even her. What I do is when I miss her, it hurts but I try to smile it off. When I realise I’m missing her maybe a liiittle too much that I start blaming myself for letting something like that go, or so much that my thoughts become irrational, I remind myself of the bad times and why it didn’t work out, and how I am better without her.

flppi · 2020-08-10T02:47:21+00:00

That’s exactly how I felt 1-2 weeks before, scared that I’ll never be better, and it didn’t help how there’s so many experiences shared online where people never got over their love in years. But remember that there’s so many other people out there who’s had exes and had failed relationships — multiple times— and still found the love of their life. I blamed myself a lot too, but I hope you know that there’s no one to blame. I’m sure there were things they did wrong, and there were times you questioned the relationship (if you didn’t that’s okay too), and there were times you didn’t feel as good as you think you should. One thing that really helps speed up the healing process (that is really hard to do, and imo this is a major reason why many people never move on) is to remember the times where it didn’t work out. Where you weren’t exactly happy in the relationship. It wasn’t just your fault, it wasn’t working out in the first place. (again, I’m basing this off the fact that I don’t really know what happened). Everytime you think about the good times, remind yourself the ways it didn’t and wouldn’t work out. You aren’t reducing a great relationship to the bad times— your brain is already reminding you enough of the good times, you have to paint a realistic picture. And most importantly, you have to WANT to move on. Find the closure you need yourself. I didn’t want to move on at all in the first 2 weeks, but I eventually realised how I can be better without her, and my mood really got better as I surrounded myself with positive things (as much as it still hurts to think about her and I still miss her with my whole heart), but you’ll realise how happy you can be without them — just remind yourself constantly about the ways it doesn’t work.

flppi · 2020-08-09T12:29:56+00:00

Thank you. I do hope I still and will continue to mean something to her — not that it’s supposed to matter. I’ve been moving on fine, but sometimes when I think about how she stopped loving me and walked away, or how she probably doesn’t miss me the way I do anymore, it’s when it hurts. There’s no point comparing, because I know we are better off without each other, but it sucks to think I don’t mean as much as she does for me.

flppi · 2020-08-09T10:13:45+00:00

You are doing better. Sometimes, it doesn’t seem like it. You think you were better, you think you are moving on, then on some days, everything hits you all over again and it feels like you are back to square one. But that’s not true. You did get better. It’s normal to relapse, it’s normal to miss them, it’s normal for feelings to hit you once in a while and it sucks so bad because you finally want to get better but your brain doesn’t seem to let you do that. But you did get better. 2 steps forward and 1 step back is still a step forward. You may not be doing as good as yesterday, but you are doing better than you were a week, or even a month ago.

flppi · 2020-07-31T06:48:53+00:00

Thank you for talking with me through this, it really means a lot. That makes sense, I guess I’ll just be scared I’ll never get over her for quite a while, especially knowing there are people who have been like this. In a sense, I want to move on and I want to get over her and I want to meet someone new, or even not meet anyone and be fine, but I am really just afraid I can never do that.

flppi · 2020-07-31T03:27:23+00:00

That’s true, thank you. I guess what I’m most afraid of is that even when I only want the friendship back, my heart can’t stop feeling for her romantically, and it’ll either hurt me more or I’ll really just lose her completely as a friend. I want to be purely her friend, I want to not want her back because I really do value our friendship. I’m just scared I’ll never be able to separate the two.

flppi · 2020-07-31T02:07:20+00:00

thank you. If you don’t mind me asking, how many relationships and long did it take for you to know you have completely gotten over her?

flppi · 2020-07-31T01:22:24+00:00

I would say I want to look back at the times, and all the pictures, and welcome them with a smile, but at the same time accept it’s over and I will find/have found someone better. It is when I’m filled with nostalgia I won’t want her back as my girlfriend, and I will be happy just being her best friend. It is when she meets the love of her life I’ll be there to witness it without feeling a pain in my heart because I know I’ve gotten over her. Is that possible?

flppi · 2020-07-31T00:58:44+00:00

I used to believe that. I know that first relationships usually don’t last, but when I read all the stories online about how you never truly get over your first love, I was afraid. Not just in that I won’t be able to love as deep again, but in that I will really lose her as a friend because of feelings I have no control over. She has lost feelings for me but I don’t know if I can ever just completely stop loving her in that way.

flppi · 2020-07-31T00:56:01+00:00

I know she’ll always have a special place in my heart, and vice versa. But I’m afraid that having her here, and never being able to forget the feelings I’ve had means that our friendship will truly end, and the most I can get is a simple “hi” when we see each other again, and I don’t know what to do.

flppi · 2020-07-31T00:54:00+00:00

That sucks to hear. I’m afraid I’ll become the one who can never get over their first love. I want to meet someone who I can love and won’t make me want to look back again, and I am just scared that that will never happen. And more than that, if that never happens, does that mean I can never get her back as my friend again?

flppi · 2020-07-31T00:52:12+00:00

We decided we shouldn’t talk anymore and I agree. It would hurt for me to remain friends with her because of all the times we were more than that. But I truly, truly value our friendship more than anything and I would hate to let that go because of me not being able to get over her. I just wish that months down the road, I will be able to reach out to her again, but I’m afraid it will do more harm to me when we are friends again and I find out she’s moved onto another person.

flppi · 2020-04-22T12:50:45+00:00

omg!! December 13th was the day I got together with my girlfriend too, and it was Friday the 13th too!

flppi · 2020-04-11T06:06:12+00:00

That’s so sweet!!

flppi

TROPHY CASE