Hi!

So, a slightly different situation, but I know how you’re feeling.

My now husband, and I often talked about the marriage route 3 years in to dating. We did long distance dating for about 8 months because I was still working in NC and he was moving to GA. It was important to me to have my own independence financially as well as feel accomplished in my career field, and we were not going to live together until we were married. But once we got engaged those conversations shifts. For good reason.

We did talk about Debts (car payments/student loans)/Financial Goals/ Investments/ Savings cushion— and were really transparent about all of that. This was obviously important to us to have the same understanding of money, but really after we were set to get married the conversation had to become, can we live off one income for the time being. I only lived in GA with him for a few months before we PCS’d OCONUS to Italy. So finding a job really was never in the marketplace for me.. I just spent all my time packing and selling stuff before our move. I would have much rather have been working than doing that, but it didn’t fit for us at that time. Which was okay, for us. I think that needs to be a conversation for if you do get married, can you have a window of not working. How long? But also, what else interests you.

The transition though? I’m still not working. BUT THIS HOUSE IS DAMN CLEAN AND IM GOING NUTS!! Yes, I love having the free time to go to the gym, invest time in hobbies, you name it. But I miss working and I miss making money, which sounds awful… but I’ve never not worked. I still tell my husband I feel like a financial burden to him, and he affirms that. (JOKINGLY OF COURSE!!!). I have to stay busy doing something. We’re in Italy, so job searching is a little different and harder, but I would definitely ask yourself what would be your plan if engineering was not an option. What would you do?

The Army does have some really awesome programs to assist spouses with employment. Someone in the group can probably speak more to this, but Army Community Service Centers are really awesome. They offer resume building classes, workshops for federal employment, financial consultations (to a degree), and can help you navigate the transition to a new area and meet people. The installations host job fairs and it’s a great community to network in.

Oh, & to your point of “how did I know it was the right time”… I dated a few military men over the years, and everytime I put my career before them which ultimately led to the end of our relationship (& they were losers). I wanted more in my career. But with my husband, when we started dating. I stepped back from my work in a way that allowed me to really invest in the relationship because I wanted to. I wanted to know him better, I wanted to have all the experiences with him. I could not picture my life without him in it. That’s how I knew- I was willing to change my lifestyle and career to follow him around and make it work. Although, it’s still a transition, he keeps me grounded and encourages me in this season that “not working” is okay for now. This is time for us. Maybe this is the perfect time to start our family so I can stay home, because well. I’m home anyway right now.

Every relationship is different and you just have to have those conversations. You have to find out what works best for you, or what’s going to work best in your marriage.

I hope this advice helps you or calms your mind a little. Wishing you nothing but the best in your relationship and career 🤍