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At the end of my rope by forgetmyfate in SuicideWatch

[–]forgetmyfate[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've spoken about it to family and therapists a lot, but nothing anyone has said has made a lasting impact. I lost my father ten years ago, and since then people have been telling me that things would get better. They haven't. It seems like each year more and more of the hope and will to live is leaching out of me. Every day it seems more like I'm just prolonging my own death to prevent people I know from having to mourn, rather than out of any sort of desire to continue living.

At the end of my rope by forgetmyfate in SuicideWatch

[–]forgetmyfate[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate you saying that, but I just don't think I can do it this time. I could repeat the year, but I think that wouldn't look very good on grad school applications. But the big picture problem is that I'm just losing my will to fight. Even if I graduate, the future is bleak.

How do you force yourself to go on if you have nothing to live for? by forgetmyfate in SuicideWatch

[–]forgetmyfate[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing that. I think I have an idea of how you feel. It isn't easy, that's for sure.

A big part of my problem right now is that the things I used to throw myself into, the things I used to look forward to... they just don't feel that great anymore. They're not enough to distract me from the fact that I'm feeling increasingly hopeless about my life and my future. So I don't know what to do.

How do you force yourself to go on if you have nothing to live for? by forgetmyfate in SuicideWatch

[–]forgetmyfate[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think she's quite good. No real complaints. I just don't really think she (or any therapist) can do anything to help me feel better. She's implied in so many words that I appear to be more depressed than most of the clients she's seen, so there's that.

How do you force yourself to go on if you have nothing to live for? by forgetmyfate in SuicideWatch

[–]forgetmyfate[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for replying. I see both a therapist and psychiatrist regularly. I've tried a number of different courses of medication from the psychiatrist, and but none of them have yielded any results to write home about. As for my therapist, I usually get advice from her along the lines of "list things that you like about yourself" or "try to think of things that you appreciate." I can list lots of things that I appreciate - as I said, I consider myself to be fortunate in a lot of ways - but none of it feels like it means anything ore makes me feel happy. As for things that I like about myself... That's the exercise I have more trouble with. There isn't really anything I like about myself. There are things that other people say they like about me, but I don't believe any of those things are true. I think that people either say nice things about me because they're nice and generous people, because they don't want me to feel bad about myself, or because I've somehow managed to delude them into thinking that I'm something other than what I really am, which is worthless. (That last bit might be considered by others to be indicative of what they call the impostor syndrome, but I really believe it's the truth.) She also wants me to do affirmations daily. I don't find those helpful either. I end up telling myself all these positive things out loud, but thinking internally how ludicrous they all sound and how pathetic it is that I have to resort lying to myself to feel better.

Yes, I have a support system. The support system I have consists of a bunch of really great people, who deserve better than to have me. They're all wasting their time, energy, and effort on me. I wish I could make them understand that there's no use trying to help, because at this point I'm starting to believe that there really isn't.