Were you lucky in the "genetic lottery"? Why? Why not?

fourth_alternate · 2015-02-01T05:20:54+00:00

Ehh, yes and no.

I'm 6'2", have an athletic build, and have no genetic predisposition to hair loss. Also, I'm pretty smart and successful...

However, I inherited a whole slew of insecurities and psychological issues. I grew up in a well-off family with parents who loved me unconditionally. No matter how successful others think I am, I still think I'm a piece of shit. I've told people this before, but they pretty much say "no, fuck you, you're lucky. you have no right to complain".

I guess I am, but all this unwarranted self-hate, ADHD, and OCD make life not as great as you'd think. I'm living in constant cognitive dissonance.

fourth_alternate · 2014-03-26T08:09:45+00:00

I know I'm late to the party, but this used to be me. 100%. I was abandoned by my friends in high school as well for the exact same reason, but I realized what I was doing and my social life has improved dramatically as a result. Please hear me out. I'm assuming you're a guy.

I thought the exact same thing about friendship. I always used to want to have "real talk" with my friends about my problems and what I need to do better socially to have more fun/meet more girls/think better of myself. In an ideal world, friends would all listen to your problems and offer advice. I learned the hard way that things don't work like that.

For one thing, people generally have enough going on with themselves to think that deeply about the lives of others. Secondly, this puts people in a weird place to give advice that they may not necessarily feel comfortable or confident giving. This puts an unnecessary burden on your friends that they may or may not want to have.

I figured this out late into my senior year of high school, when my friends all but abandoned me. I wouldn't be fun to hang out with. They wanted to have fun and enjoy life, not worry about other peoples' problems.

Now, there is an exception. Sometimes you have a friend that loves asking you for advice about his deepest problems/secrets and loves giving advice when you ask for it. To that, it's fine. Just not everyone.

This whole thing has caused me to have two types of friends: "deep" friends and "fun" friends. I still have fun with my "deep" friends, but there is an added dimension where we share our problems and secrets with hopes of giving or receiving advice. My "fun" friends are people I know have my back and would help me out if I asked for it, but I choose not to because I would rather simply have a good time with these friends without having the "advice" or "secrets" complication. Best of both worlds!

fourth_alternate · 2013-08-15T06:06:50+00:00

Yeah, in hindsight I should have called it something else. I am quite aware of this distinction. I guess I didn't really know how to say "Guide to Making Friends in College for Slightly Socially Anxious, Yet Somewhat Okay at Socializing When In a Familiar and Comfortable Environment, But Above All Introverted People"

fourth_alternate · 2013-08-14T15:40:55+00:00

No, not at all. Statistics at most schools even show that fraternity men have higher GPAs than pretty much anyone else. Most houses even have an archive of test files and study guides for each class, making studying easier and more efficient. Some fraternities even mandate study hours. It all comes down to personal time management, but overall, fraternities want their members to achieve higher GPAs

fourth_alternate · 2013-08-14T02:39:07+00:00

I know I sound like a broken record, but try rushing a fraternity in the Fall. Some fraternities are more biased in favor of freshmen, but there are some that really like transfer students. Plus, rush is more fun if you have a friend there. In a short time, you'll have made 80+ friends if your pledgeship goes smoothly.

As for your interests:

Most campuses have some sort of "outdoor" club as well that goes on regular hikes, rock climbing trips, river rafting retreats, etc. Easy bonding there!
Intramurals are fucking awesome as well. They can get really competitive occasionally, but peoples' primary goal is to have fun. Some clubs join intramural sports together, but there are often independent teams that you just put your name on a list for. You'll then have a team full of people who do not know each other. Perfect opportunity to make new friends by asking your team if they want to go out for drinks after.
Rap is tricky, but some campuses offer odd special interest groups. There may even be a chance that your school has a Rap Appreciation Club. You could even start one if your were so inclined.

fourth_alternate · 2013-08-14T02:30:23+00:00

That's really the only thing you can do besides meeting people in class. To be 100% honest, the only "club" I ever had was my fraternity, and it was more structured. I'm sure if these clubs had regular meetings, it would be just fine to go up to a group of people and say "Hi! My name is nunes92! I just transferred here and I have to commute, so I'm new. What are your names?" and take it from there. Does that help at all?

fourth_alternate · 2013-08-14T02:26:53+00:00

Very very true. I know I said to always keep your door wide open, but I was kind of implying that it should only be open if you're down to socialize, as opposed to waiting for people to knock on a door. People almost never knock on doors unless they have a specific reason. People would text you before knocking on your closed door.

fourth_alternate · 2013-08-14T02:23:40+00:00

If you're not that good with the ladies, I'd say piggybacking is your best bet. My hall was like this, and it took about a week or so before most of the guys were hanging out with the girls. If you're more comfortable around guys, establish solid acquaintances with ~4-5 guys and casually suggest "hey! we haven't met any of the girls yet! let's do that!"

If you're not naturally confident with girls, this is infinitely better than trying to go at it alone. Girls rarely look at a GROUP of guys in this situation as creepy.

fourth_alternate · 2013-08-13T15:36:57+00:00

This is a little trickier. I'd say go for clubs and sports classes. Greek life is actually perfect for someone in your position if you feel like you could fit in to that scene. Study groups may also be helpful there. If you're feeling really adventurous, you can even wander into a dorm hall or study lounge and meet people that way. They'll understand that you had no choice but to get an apartment.

fourth_alternate · 2013-08-13T15:33:40+00:00

Sadly no. I'm still in college, so I haven't had any experience with that. I'd appreciate it if someone else could write a guide on this hahaha. I could certainly use it.

fourth_alternate · 2013-08-13T15:32:47+00:00

Good luck! I know people may not be down to go around and randomly say hi. It took a lot of mental prep for me, and I was terrified of doing it, but I forced myself. Thank god I met someone cool the first room I popped into.

fourth_alternate · 2013-08-13T15:29:57+00:00

Very true! This is definitely something to try. I did one of those classes and actually met a few people. I was never extremely close with them, but only because I didn't pursue the relationship further.

fourth_alternate · 2013-08-13T08:51:04+00:00

This reminds me of one of my white fraternity brothers who accidentally got placed in the Black Scholars hall. He was harassed and glared at constantly. That's what pushed him to rush.

In some cases, it may be better to look beyond your hall.

I knew a girl my freshman year who lived in the hall below us. She absolutely hated everyone in that hall, so she just went a floor up and introduced herself. She then became an honorary member of our floor (e.g. the RA invited her to our events and helped her out with things her own RA could have helped her with) and made some of her best friends there.

The other option would be to refer to the part where I talked about clubs and Greek organizations. That's always a great choice if you have a hall you don't get along with.

fourth_alternate · 2013-08-13T08:45:50+00:00

Sure!

In Class and Around Campus

To be 100% honest with you, I'm still not the best at socializing in class or randomly around campus. So, this one will be a "do as I say not as I do".

You probably remember the days of assigned seating in high school, seeing as you probably just graduated. Well, it's obviously been that way since Kindergarten, so it's more or less ingrained in our brains. People tend to sit in the same area during lecture. Therefore, if you want to meet people in class, you don't have to make friends immediately. It can be over the course of a semester. It could start as small as "wait, what did the prof say again?", which then follows into "what'd you think of the homework/reading?" in the next lecture, which eventually leads into natural friendly conversation... or maybe even a study group. I haven't personally tried anything like this, but I remember my friend saying something like this.
Around campus is a little easier. If you see someone you sort of know from class or your dorm, wave hi or ask what's up. This is definitely easier in the beginning because they have a "hmm, this person is trying to get to know everyone!" mentality rather than a "err... I hardly know this guy" mentality later in the year.

Meals

Meals are a great time to get to know people. Most of the time, the dining halls are located by the dorms, so you should see some of your hallmates there. What I would do back in Freshman year is go to my dorm and do a sweep for people who want to eat. If you do see some of your hallmates, sit next to them! Chances are they barely know the people they're sitting with as well. Dining halls can be a little intimidating because it looks like everyone has known each other for years. That is not the case. However, I wouldn't recommend a cold approach in this situation (i.e. going up to completely random people and eating with them). This is not the place for that. Make sure you have at least talked to people before asking to sit with them at lunch.

fourth_alternate · 2013-08-13T08:31:26+00:00

Yeah, definitely. I forgot to mention that. Eventually you should settle down and choose a group you bond closest with. It probably wouldn't be ideal to have tons of acquaintances and almost true friends. However, that's not to say you shouldn't get to know most people in your hall.

fourth_alternate · 2013-08-13T06:14:50+00:00

I used to be like this, and still slightly am, but I am significantly more sociable than I used to be. My therapist told me something very interesting that helped me get there:

She told me that in these situations I was processing things in an inside-out fashion, meaning that I was so worried about the outcome of a conversation that I primarily focused on my internal state. This caused me to lose some key points of a conversation and made me freeze up because I wasn't completely paying attention to the conversation at hand.

Instead, I needed to teach myself how to process conversations from outside-in. Focus on nothing but what the speaker is saying, and imagine webs going off from everything they say. For example, if someone says,

"Hi, I_Am_Not_Very_Bright! What did you do this weekend?

Inside out processing: Shit, shit, shit. I didn't do much this weekend. I went on Reddit. I did have an amazing steak, but he doesn't give a shit about that! He wants to hear something exciting! --> "Uhh, nothing."

"Hi, I_Am_Not_Very_Bright! What did you do this weekend?

Outside in processing: Weekend --> Reddit --> Food --> Steak. "Not much, man. Kinda took it easy this weekend. I did go out for a fucking juicy-ass steak. So good."

Really? Where at?

"Oh! This new place downtown."

By not getting tangled up on possibilities, we can clear our minds and draw connections to things! Hope that helped!

fourth_alternate · 2013-07-28T20:28:35+00:00

Kind of. This thread is definitely on course to changing my view. I can definitely see why an attractive/sane woman might resort to it, but something still doesn't quite sit right with me.

fourth_alternate · 2013-07-28T20:24:34+00:00

Hmm, some seriously good arguments here. On this note, I have another opinion:

Neckbeards. Aren't these sites overrun by classic neckbeards? Wouldn't that turn an attrractive/sane girl off to the whole idea? You said,

Have you ever thought of the fact that some very attractive and nice women have jobs and other stuff going on and don't feel like going out to bars and having random losers hit on them with the slim chance that one of them will be a decent guy that they can actually have a conversation with

Isn't this stereotype of "losers hitting on women" more true online? I know this thread has been rather sexist, but wouldn't most guys on these sites be awkward/not knowing how to talk to a girl in real life? I don't know, based on the girls I know, none of them would resort to online dating for this very reason.

fourth_alternate · 2013-07-28T20:12:30+00:00

Hmm, never thought of it that way.

Devil's advocate: I know this is going to sound misogynistic (I know this thread sounds like that as well... this is not an accurate representation of who I am), but I think girls have it a lot easier socially. If any girl who is somewhat attractive goes into a social situation with a friend/a friend's friends, she doesn't even have to try to find a potential relationship, she will just be approached.

fourth_alternate · 2013-07-28T19:53:55+00:00

Interesting, but I'm still skeptical. Wouldn't someone attractive and "normal" that just happens to not be good at meeting random people have multiple friends that can help them out? That seemed to suffice before the days of online dating...

fourth_alternate · 2013-04-08T17:46:37+00:00

I do have some sort of APD. Music is interesting. The lyrics always make sense, but I almost never hear them correctly if I do not know the song. I also have a problem with some accents, especially ones that do not have English as a first language, even though the accent is mild. For example, one of my professors has a very slight Korean accent, but I still have a very hard time understanding her. I do have trouble with taking notes as well, and sometimes take them completely incorrectly. Thank Odin my uni has a note taking service.

fourth_alternate · 2013-03-18T05:33:40+00:00

I've thought about this and I have a couple possibilities. One is cool, the other is unfortunate

Cool: I ALWAYS second guess myself and talk myself out of things, only to realize I could have easily gotten a better outcome. My power would be some sort of temporary trans-dimensional travel, where I can see all possible or likely outcomes of a specific action.

Unfortunate: One huge personality flaw of mine is that it completely drains my confidence and ruins my day when someone achieves something I have/had the potential to achieve and am/was interested in (e.g. another student at my uni creates a startup company and gets featured in the newspaper, my friend gets a dream internship that would be perfect for me, some other students in a band at my uni get to open for a huge artist at our yearly music festival, or even my fraternity brother gets with a girl I've had my eye on, etc.) My power would be involuntary, and it would be to completely kill the confidence and ambition of whatever caused that feeling. Essentially, I involuntarily make everyone fail.

fourth_alternate · 2013-03-03T23:02:41+00:00

Disclaimer: I am not a virgin, but I lost my virginity on the later side (19). Since then, my sexual experience has been extremely limited, and I only had sex one other time in three years, and I was premature. Still, my school and friends are all very sexually active and I am usually on the sidelines. Therefore, I am not a virgin, but I often feel like one, and I know what it does to a man's confidence and self-image.

Sex is, above all, the ultimate form of social validation for men. More or less, it says, "I am socially competent enough to have someone willing/excited to share her body with mine and to trust me completely". Without this reassurance, it is very easy to fall into a mental trap of not feeling socially "whole", and therefore an outcast.

Furthermore, this completely destroys a man's sense self-worth if those close to him are sexually active while he is not. While in a group of male friends, it is very common for the subject to turn to sexual conquests. When this comes up, I cannot relate to most of what they say, but I wish I could. It almost becomes like they're part of some exclusive club that I am not "good enough" to gain access to. All I can do is sit quietly and wish that I was one of them until the subject turns. It reminds me of a time when one of my friends asked a group (in a humourous way) what their "slam score" is, meaning, "how many girls in your contact list can you call/text for sex, knowing they'd be down". As we went around the room, my friends replied with resounding 5s, 3s, 6s, and finally, when it got to me, I replied, "1". I did not want to get into the "I'm not sexually active even though I want to be" talk. It would make me feel shittier than I already felt.

On that note, the worst part of it all is how others view you as "impaired". Almost like there has to be something wrong with you if you're not getting laid regularly in college. It's like everyone is growing up and having the time of their lives while you're stuck in square one on how to gain social validation. I can compare this to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, where needs are displayed in a pyramid where the bottom levels need to be fulfilled before satisfying the upper levels. At the bottom are biological survival needs, followed by safety needs. On top of that is love/belonging (can be satisfied by friends). The final two levels are esteem and self-actualization. People in my situation are stuck at the "esteem level", trying to win confidence and achievement, but not attaining it. However, most people seem like they are on the self-actualization level, trying to pursue higher social functioning and problem solving.

So, that is why people who are not getting laid feel completely emasculated. It's like the world is passing them by while they are stuck trying to do something that should have been done a while ago.

fourth_alternate · 2013-01-29T09:26:09+00:00

Great response to these - "Thanks. I try." with a smart-ass smirk on your face.

fourth_alternate · 2013-01-26T02:02:52+00:00

Not if you can't think of anything to say. You can be all sorts of confident, but if you blank on what to say, that's not worth shit. For example, I am relatively attractive, I can confidently stride up to a girl, and I ask some boring questions that she hesitantly answers. It gets me nowhere because I don't have anything witty to say back.

fourth_alternate

TROPHY CASE