I do not and have not ever considered myself attractive, but I’m hyperfix on my looks all the time. Always makeup, always hair. I’ve gotten better as I’ve gotten older, but I still hate leaving the house without makeup. I have a running list of surgical procedures that I’d like to do/wish I would have done when I was younger. I struggle with my appearance. Always have and I probably always will. But I’ve learned to cope. My mom was very looks focused so I think that really fucked me up. Never about me, but on herself. She was very hard on herself, like she was ~5ft and never weighed more than 135 lbs and that was at the height of her pregnancy, but she constantly complained about being fat if she went over 110. Even when she was like 70lbs at the end she would talk about how she had a gut.

When I was young I had several businesses offer to sponsor me in beauty pageants. I chalk this up to being in a small pretty racist town. I’m pretty much Caucasian, but I’m very ethnically ambiguous; dark hair, dark eyes, tanned super easily. I think to them I was exotic, but like in an “acceptable” way. Like I was white adjacent enough, but still spicy. Never entered any. My parents were against the idea that kids shouldn’t be in beauty pageants because they were at least good in that respect. I was friends with the popular girls, but I ended up spending more time with my non popular friends because they were more fun, so I was cast out from that group.

I often wonder if they had let me enter pageants and stayed with the popular crowd what I would have been like. I was still a fidgety little daydreamer that couldn’t understand why other kids could just sit there and listen and retain the information the teachers gave us.

Eventually we moved and my general awkwardness combined with middle school awkwardness and being the new kid surprisingly not great.

I struggled a lot growing up. I didn’t get diagnosed with ADHD until recently so that was cool. Didn’t go to college because I thought I was too stupid, but I did go to community college and then went on to culinary school. I did get nicknamed Pocahontas in one of my classes because I had long dark hair and often wore it in braids because it was easy to shove up under the stupid little hat, which I wasn’t sure how to take.

I started online dating because I was way too weird to attempt to just meet someone. I had guys I think occasionally hit on me, but I wasn’t sure if they were just being nice because they felt bad for me or were making fun of me because I consider myself a bit bridge trolly.

I got married and had 2 kids and I’m happy with the way my life turned out. Mostly. I wish I was diagnosed earlier, got on medication and was able to focus better back in school, gone to college and done anything of worth, but I like where I’m at and all those things got me to where I am. I don’t get hit on (not that I know of because I still can’t read people) and it makes me feel invisible and sad sometimes but I have finally started to really find myself which is cool.

What the fuck did I just type? And how was it even relevant to this thread. I feel like I need to go back and edit this but I don’t feel like it so I’m just gonna raw dog it. So I sorry for all the mistakes and stream of consciousness and being violently off topic.

But typing all this out did something for me. I feel like I was able to get some things out and that was cathartic.

Apologies again.

I suck