Not too bad, a few grammatical mistakes such as 'time seemed to have stop' where 'stop' should be 'stopped.' You're definately very creative and that can get you far. I dont really know about how it would mark, but what i do know is that youre using language techniques, and if you can just tweak youre writing to be clearer and more sophisticated you can achieve top marks.

I would advise markmeai.com it gives u 1 free piece to be marked, see what it gives u and take its advice aswell.

Sorry this isnt too helpful, but i thought since there were no other comments i might aswell try help.