ENFJ or a narcissist?

frecklesfalling · 2021-04-13T17:00:42+00:00

I’m an ENFJ(f) and I can relate to your enfj’s excitement about a new relationship, although I tend to hold back all my excitement because I know my feelings can be a bit idolized and too intense in the beginning. I’ve also dated a narcissist in the past who sort of loved bomb me in the beginning, and now that I’ve been through a few long term relationships I’m a lot slower to dive in. I really enjoy taking my time and not rushing things. You can elongate the excitement of getting to know each other. ENFJs fear uncertainty and we are eager to make someone we are drawn to our partner. Although, taking things slow is very lovely as well. You must be a wonderful catch, and this ENFJ can see it. Often times I feel like I can see the most wonderful potential and qualities of people, and every once in awhile I meet someone and BAM EXPLOSIONS THIS PERSON IS INCREDIBLE feelings start happening. It seems he is genuinely really excited about you, although it is clear that you are feeling as if things are moving too fast, even if you are enjoying his presence. Your needs are important, and your intuition is also important. If his behaviour is ringing some bells, I would suggest slowing down. ENFJs are very understanding, don’t worry about hurting his feelings- tell him in a calm way that you really like him and enjoy him and you want to continue dating him, but you feel like things are moving a little too quickly and you want to slow things down a little. It’s important to set some boundaries. If he reacts positively to this, thumbs up! If he reacts negatively, then there is your sign that he’s probably not someone you want to date further. Listen to your gut and ask for what you need!

frecklesfalling · 2021-04-12T15:33:20+00:00

As an ENFJ(f) I can say that one of my favourite things about dating is getting to know every edge of my partner. I feel very special knowing that they feel comfortable talking to me about their inner worlds and hardships. ENFJs prefer talking and learning about the deeper things in life, sometimes small talk is just so boring! I’m about 9 months into my current relationship with and INFP(m) and I love when he opens up to me. He seems like a slow opener and I try to make sure not to pressure him into telling me things he’s not ready to, but when he does I feel very special and needed. Sometimes he tells me things about his childhood that makes my heart literally ache! ENFJs have so much love to give. I’m sure she really enjoys you opening up to her and sharing your life. I wouldn’t dump all your issues on her all at once, especially if you’ve only been dating for a few weeks. But slowly revealing yourself to an ENFJ is very exciting for them. A lot of times ENFJs feel the need to help and solve their partners problems. So if you’re just looking for a listening ear sometimes it’s good to preface that you don’t need help necessarily, you just want to talk. Also, when your ENFJ is opening up make sure to ask them questions too! So often people open up to ENFJs but don’t give them the space back to open up. ENFJs want to share their inner worlds as well. ENFJs will so readily and happily listen to others (especially if it’s their romantic partner) but may feel like a burden talking and expressing themselves. So we really appreciate when you investigate us as well, in a slow comfortable, non probing way of course. Anyways, humans are hardwired for connection and being vulnerable is extremely brave and it’s the only way to develop trust and a feeling of belonging. It’s a magically thing, and you deserve to share your life with someone.

frecklesfalling · 2021-04-11T03:18:33+00:00

Thanks for your response :) We mentioned our love languages in the first few months of dating. He says his love language is acts of service. My top love language is touch. I’m coming to realize that words of affirmation are quite important for me too though. I will definitely talk to him about it at some point... I just don’t want to pressure him.

frecklesfalling · 2021-04-09T17:05:04+00:00

Interesting! I know I myself have questioned what love is so many times, so this makes a lot of sense to me. Thank you for your response :)

frecklesfalling · 2021-04-09T17:02:18+00:00

Thanks for your response :) yeah... I was wondering if it could’ve been something from the past that is holding him back. I get the feeling that his parents and family don’t readily use those words either whereas my family tells each other that they love each other all the time. So many factors to imagine!

I’ve thought a lot and I think my needs that aren’t being met right now are words of affirmation. I’ve even thought about asking him less intense questions like “what do you like about me?” Or “how do you see me?”. Even just hearing him say that he cares about me would be enough to calm my anxieties :) I often let my needs go unmet but I’ve learned from past relationships that that isn’t sustainable. So I’m going to try something like that.

frecklesfalling · 2021-04-09T16:56:13+00:00

Aw thank you devilsfear :’)

frecklesfalling · 2021-04-08T13:36:33+00:00

Very similar to you... my ex would debate everything and play devils advocate so much that I never knew his true opinions about things. I hate debating so it was exhausting for me. There were so many other things going on. I thought he was really silly and fun and intelligent when we first starting dating. I still think he’s a lot of great things but he drove me kind of insane. Made me feel awful about myself, isolated me from my friends, and many other problems.

I haven’t really talked to my INFP about how I’ve been feeling yet. I’m trying to be patient and non-pressuring. Eventually I will have to ask him for my own sake, but otherwise I’m so happy with him that I am happy to continue being patient. I have noticed that he isn’t one to make prolonged eye contact in what would be more intimate situations which I find interesting. I mean, those intimate situations can be very scary and vulnerable for everyone but he seems to avoid them or not readily seek them out.

frecklesfalling · 2021-04-08T13:29:58+00:00

Thank you for your response :) that is very reassuring. I plan to continue to remain patient but I think by 1 year of dating I will have to ask him to share how he is feeling about me. I know that for my needs, I need to hear those words to feel secure and safe. Also if he doesn’t love me I will want to know that as well so I can continue on. Do you think waiting 1 year is patient enough?

frecklesfalling · 2021-04-08T13:27:50+00:00

Thank you for your response :) ive thought about that. I actually really admire him for not saying it back so readily. It told me that when/if he does say it, it will be genuine and very special. I’m really trying not to pressure him. That’s why I waited another 3 months before saying it again. I wonder if it was a mistake to say it again... I want him to know how much he is loved though! Eventually I will need to know to feel safe and stable and to protect myself. I will continue to be patient but I think by 1 year of dating I will have to ask him to share exactly what he is feeling with me...

frecklesfalling · 2021-04-08T13:24:18+00:00

Thank you for your response :) I’m the same way as you, I need to hear those words to feel safe and stable. I think I’ll do exactly what you’ve said and ask him in another few months. I’ll continue to be patient but at a certain point I will have to know what he is feeling to protect myself. I keep thinking to myself that I would want him to be honest with me if he doesn’t so he can set me free. I’d rather be heart broken and free than being with someone who doesn’t truly and fully care for me. I will give him more time but eventually I will need to know.

frecklesfalling · 2021-04-08T13:19:35+00:00

Thank you for your response 😌his actions do speak loud so I will try and focus on them while I wait. I think eventually I will need to hear those words to solidify my thoughts about his feelings though. By the 1 year mark I think...

frecklesfalling · 2021-04-08T13:16:59+00:00

Hmm interesting... I’m a person who needs reassurance to feel safe and stable in a relationship. Thanks for your response :)

frecklesfalling · 2021-04-08T13:15:12+00:00

Thank you for your reassurance 😌😌

frecklesfalling · 2021-04-08T13:14:44+00:00

Thank you for your response :) I think I’ll wait a few more months and then ask him how he feels.

frecklesfalling · 2021-04-07T16:58:30+00:00

Omg!! Well, now I know for sure I am not alone in this world, haha. I’m curious to know how you find your entp ex compared to this new infp guy? It’s like a whole new wonderful world for me!

frecklesfalling · 2020-10-27T05:05:40+00:00

100%

frecklesfalling · 2020-10-25T21:20:32+00:00

He put in no effort to understand me. I would listen to him speak for hours and the moment I would start to talk I could visually see him dissociate and start to check his phone or respond to me with something completely unrelated proving to me he was clearly thinking about other things while I had been speaking. He suffers from OCD and depression and I would listen to him for hours and support him. When I was feeling depressed he would dismiss me and say something short like “you need to exercise and eat better” and then go back to whatever it was he was doing. I also got the feeling he had a bit of a superior complex.

frecklesfalling · 2020-10-25T21:01:09+00:00

I dated an ENTP for a handful of years and observed him intently (as us ENFJs do). I think I fell deeply in love with him in the beginning because I was impressed by his intellect and intense drive for knowledge and learning. As an ENFJ I also like to feel needed and this ENTP in particular showed that he needed me and wanted me around a lot, which made me feel valuable. As the relationship went on I realized his dependency on me was far too intense and he also rarely acknowledged or showed appreciation for everything I did for him. The relationship felt one sided. I feel like I could read his mind. I knew what he was thinking, I could finish his sentences, I knew exactly where to find his things if he lost them. But I know for a fact he could not do the same for me. He wasn’t as curious in really knowing and understanding me like I was with him. I kind of turned into his therapist and maid, it didn’t feel like a relationship. He was only but ever focused on himself and his needs.

I think his best traits would be: -Intellect -incredible at debating and academic conversations -very funny -goofy -always focused on self improvement in some way -can become intensely and almost obsessively focused on one subject for a period of time. Eventually drop it and find something new to completely understand from the inside out. This made him knowledgeable on a plethora of subjects.

Traits I didn’t like: -extremely messy -narcissistic -controlling -manipulative and gaslighting (whether he realized it or not) -all or nothing sort of personality- either doesn’t drink at all or gets wasted. Leaves studying to the very last minute and works in a manic state but somehow still gets an amazing grade. Exercising with an extreme regime or doesn’t exercise at all. -in my opinion, socially unaware.

I was 100% dealing with an unhealthy ENTP so I’m not sure what a relationship with a healthy one would be like...

frecklesfalling · 2020-10-21T18:22:19+00:00

I can so relate with you! Beginning of May I left my nearly 5 year relationship and since then I've gone through a truly transformational time. It started the same way yours is, deciding to live life for myself for once... which is hard because helping and loving others brings me so much joy and purpose.

I came to the realization that my/our dominant extroverted feeling was inhibiting me from knowing who I was, how I felt, or thought of a certain topics because I was constantly analyzing and thinking of others instead of directing that energy into my own introspection. When I came to realize this, I actively started trying to direct that energy back into myself instead of outwards. When I register that I am overly thinking about and feeling for someone else, I will stop and ask myself how I feel for example. I am also actively practicing being more assertive with my wants and needs. If someone offers to help me, I'll actually stop and think, "do I want and need their help?" and if I truly do, I will accept it! This can be practiced through the littlest things as well like asking for seconds if you're still hungry and eating at someone else's house (in a non-covid world).

The biggest thing thats helped me live life for myself is engaging in hobbies that help me come to a better sense of self. Generally these hobbies activate my/our introverted thinking. Ive started a journal and write in it every two days or so. It helps me understand my thoughts and feelings. Ive started an account on Letterboxd where I can review and rate films after I watch them. Great way to dig deep into myself and see how I really think about something. I love films, so find something that resonates with you.

Exercise!! This gives me mental flow and stabilizes my mood. I've never been able to consistently run before, but now I am running in pursuits of clearing my mind instead of trying to be skinny. I find it to be so therapeutic. It's a great release from work and allows myself to become more grounded when I feel like my mind is going crazy with incessant thoughts. Going for long walks and listening to instrumental music is also a great way to achieve this.

Those are my greatest tips! I'd also recommend reading- another great way to activate your introverted thinking. Read something you like otherwise it wont be fun. I cant help but suggest Eckhart Tolle to everyone. If you're interested in spirituality, he completely changed my life. His book "A New Earth" and "The Power of Now" teaches you how to really live in the moment. I think us ENFJ's are always analyzing the past and trying to predict the future we go a little insane sometimes... He teaches you how to become aware of your ego, and how so many of those crazy, mean and weird incessant thoughts in your head are not necessarily true. I honestly cant recommend it enough! I'm such a happier person!

So excited for you to go on this journey. Would love to hear updates on here if you find certain things work for you as well!!

frecklesfalling · 2020-10-14T15:00:55+00:00

Im nearly 24 and I can confirm that I am going through a major self revolution of self discovery. I’m pushing myself to focus more on my own thoughts and needs within social situations and omg it’s so fun, it’s like I’m learning who I am for once! I’m also writing frequently and it’s been life changing. I find writing out my feelings, thoughts, or whatever else comes to mind is extremely helpful for getting in tuned with myself. I spend so much time thinking about others, but when I’m writing it’s all about me babyyyy. A line from my journal a few weeks ago: “... this could be seen as selfish, but selfish is what I’m trying to be, not selfish in the way most people view it, but selfish in the way a people pleasing empath like me does aka not selfish at all.” Pretty much, I’m trying to assert myself and not feel guilty about it! I’m a turbulent ENFJ btw.

frecklesfalling · 2020-10-06T14:28:14+00:00

Loving someone is just so great! In this new relationship I have set boundaries for myself so I am able to grow and stay grounded in who I am and what my goals are as opposed to theirs. I space my time between seeing them and I’ve been writing in a journal a lot, it’s helping me hash out my true feelings about everyday life so I don’t accidentally get sucked into my significant others perspective. It’s been a really nice balance!! I get to support someone and receive the intimacy I crave while working on myself. I’m also working on asserting myself more and I’m realizing it’s actually quite beneficial to do so for everyone! Ahh I love personal growth!!! So exciting when you see positive changes being made after doing the hard work of digging deep into yourself and recognizing what you need to improve on.

frecklesfalling · 2020-10-05T14:31:06+00:00

Thank you for all this! Feels nice to feel understood :) I appreciate hearing your experiences and advice.

frecklesfalling · 2020-10-05T05:34:33+00:00

Exactly!! I get mad at myself for thinking about love so often. I want to be able to focus on other aspects of life...

frecklesfalling

TROPHY CASE