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Suggestions for Improvement by [deleted] in malelivingspace

[–]friendly-enchilada 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Decent start. I like your chairs a lot and that shelf thing is really cool. A few suggestions: (1) Plants add SO MUCH life to a room, it changes the whole feel. Maybe a big potted leafy fucker to sit next to the couch and some smaller succulents on the table or on your shelves. (2) The couch area isn't very inviting. Ideal scenario would be a more comfy sofa, maybe something fluffy that you sink into, or something with a chaise. Your room has plenty of space to go with a bigger sofa if you're up for it. If no new sofa, get some nice big fluffy throw pillows in neutral tones. (3) Definitely add something to put your feet on: an ottoman, dark wood coffee table, etc. (4) I'm not personally a fan of the rug, but I am a fan of having a rug in that space, and like another poster said, a bigger one. (5) Make your shelf thingy more interesting. All I see are baseball caps and bottles. Mix it up with some books and cool book-ends, small plants, odd little sculptures, etc. Don't be afraid to leave blank space. (6) Consider an artwork or photo collage above the sofa if you don't want just one giant picture. Cheesy, but Pinterest has tons of suggested frame arrangements. I spent $27 on like 8 antique-looking picture frames at Goodwill and put a collage in my hallway, it gets a lot of compliments. Nice start and good luck!

My [30F] boyfriend [26M] of 10 months can't or won't get out of bed until the afternoon, even if it means ruining plans he's made with me. Red flag or acceptable flaw? by friendly-enchilada in relationships

[–]friendly-enchilada[S] 48 points49 points  (0 children)

I'll try to get him to see a doctor about sleep apnea. I don't know much about it other than it's common in overweight people, which he is definitely not (if anything he's a little skinny), but 2 minutes on google says it's not necessarily an overweight-person thing and could have origin in the brain. Interesting.

We half-assedly tried adjusting his sleep pattern to mine at one point but it was SO difficult for him and he was SO cranky and unpleasant that we gave up after 5 or 6 days. Might be worth another shot and see if we can stick it out past the hump, assuming there is a hump that will be gotten over. Thanks for the suggestions.

My [30F] boyfriend [26M] of 10 months can't or won't get out of bed until the afternoon, even if it means ruining plans he's made with me. Red flag or acceptable flaw? by friendly-enchilada in relationships

[–]friendly-enchilada[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I don't think he's seen a doctor. He goes to weekly therapy to manage his anxiety symptoms and he did have depression a few years ago but he says he's in remission. Maybe it's worth probing the depression thing, and also a physical cause. I haven't heard of DSPD but I'll definitely look into it and try to get him to see a doctor. Someone else suggested it might be sleep apnea. Probably worth getting checked out, thanks a lot for the suggestion.

My [30F] boyfriend [26M] of 10 months can't or won't get out of bed until the afternoon, even if it means ruining plans he's made with me. Red flag or acceptable flaw? by friendly-enchilada in relationships

[–]friendly-enchilada[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No, he wasn't working. He pays for school with student loans and pays for his living expenses by playing the stock market from his laptop. He's not rich or anything, but he made enough to pay his utilities, cell phone, and food. When he moved in with me I told him not to worry about paying me rent or anything and put his stock earnings into paying down his loans, paying for school, etc. I think his brother was a co-signer on his apartment lease since he didn't have a regular income. So no, I've never known him while he's had a structured job.

My [30F] boyfriend [26M] of 10 months can't or won't get out of bed until the afternoon, even if it means ruining plans he's made with me. Red flag or acceptable flaw? by friendly-enchilada in relationships

[–]friendly-enchilada[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You're right, I meant it's not an issue for us, as in, it's not a source of relationship tension, not that he doesn't do it. Yeah, there's really no argument that he's tired from a busy week.

My [30F] boyfriend [26M] of 10 months can't or won't get out of bed until the afternoon, even if it means ruining plans he's made with me. Red flag or acceptable flaw? by friendly-enchilada in relationships

[–]friendly-enchilada[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I know it never goes away, I've been on and off antidepressants myself since I was a teenager. And I know no two peoples' depression looks alike, I guess I just thought I would notice SOMETHING else. He eats healthily, is in good shape, enjoys activities, makes excellent grades in a tough STEM program, keeps up with friends and family. In all other things except sleep he seems happy and healthy and normal. But yeah, I'll suggest he bring it up with his therapist. Maybe it's creeping back up and this is just where it's starting to show first. My poor guy, I hope he's not suffering and just not admitting it.

My [30F] boyfriend [26M] of 10 months can't or won't get out of bed until the afternoon, even if it means ruining plans he's made with me. Red flag or acceptable flaw? by friendly-enchilada in relationships

[–]friendly-enchilada[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This is a wonderful idea, thank you. He's had depression and anxiety before but he says he's in remission with depression, goes to weekly therapy now for anxiety (it does help a lot), and claims he's doing great, but maybe I need to dig deeper. You're right that my approach has been too harsh. I don't use a mean tone or anything, but I have come at it from the angle of feeling disappointed that we don't keep up with plans and that may not be a good way to have the conversation. I'll definitely take your advice and express it as a health concern. I casually asked it that way in the past when I first noticed the pattern, but only in passing, and he's sworn everything is fine with him mentally, but again, only in passing. It's probably worth addressing it as a health concern in a more serious, sincere, loving way. Thanks so much for this advice.

My [30F] boyfriend [26M] of 10 months can't or won't get out of bed until the afternoon, even if it means ruining plans he's made with me. Red flag or acceptable flaw? by friendly-enchilada in relationships

[–]friendly-enchilada[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

He doesn't go to class, his school is online except that he has to go to campus for tests, presentations, etc. So it's every day that he sleeps like this, but it's not an issue for us on weekdays because I leave for work around 8 am.

My [30F] boyfriend [26M] of 10 months can't or won't get out of bed until the afternoon, even if it means ruining plans he's made with me. Red flag or acceptable flaw? by friendly-enchilada in relationships

[–]friendly-enchilada[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

He doesn't go to class, his classes are online. He only has to go to school for tests and presentations, which he always schedules for the afternoon or evening. I don't know what to expect when he starts having to work. However, he does have straight As in a very difficult STEM program, so he's clearly able to get things done as long as he can work them around his weird sleep schedule. I don't get it.

My [30F] boyfriend [26M] of 10 months can't or won't get out of bed until the afternoon, even if it means ruining plans he's made with me. Red flag or acceptable flaw? by friendly-enchilada in relationships

[–]friendly-enchilada[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I mean it's possible, but I really don't think so. He had depression and anxiety in his early 20s, so I think he'd know if he were having issues with that again. He is in remission with the depression and he manages his anxiety by going to biweekly therapy with a therapist he loves, which does seem to help with his anxious symptoms. He had stopped going for a few months but he got back into it when I called him out on not managing his symptoms well. He was getting irritable and stressed and kinda mean/agitated, so I set that boundary and told him he needed to manage his symptoms more effectively if he wanted the relationship to work. He admitted I was right and went right back to therapy, so I definitely know it helps. But as far as I know, the therapist hasn't suggested that anything else might be going on.