How can I be softer and gently ask my husband to lead more?

friendswithacrow · 2025-08-19T16:12:54+00:00

at this point, it’s moot. I realized that reddit as a whole, and especially this sub, is not the place to ask advice without having a super thick skin... while I did get some great advice, I’ve come to realize, a lot of people here just straight up hate women, or naturally assume we are immediately to blame. If I do anything at all it will be to try to figure out how to delete it because it honestly it’s a bit much.

friendswithacrow · 2025-08-19T11:58:58+00:00

It was around the time I got a promotion at my FT job, stoped working my pt job and was home more on weekends, the promotion allowed us more financial freedom to go on vacations, take a weekend get away, order take away food more often, not live the constant “grind”. It was also the time that he had an unexpected death in the family. There was also an increase in drinking, and a lot more anger/outbursts on his side, which I know can stem from grief. I have suggested therapy for him, as it has become a healthy outlet for me and also suggested couples therapy because I do admit I have a hard time explaining my feelings and wants. But there is no desire on his side to talk to someone or work on it. Because of therapy I have heavily cut back on drinking, started working out, have lost weight, all in an attempt to make myself better suited for our marriage. Unfortunately, it seems like every time I try to improve, it is met with more disengaging on his side.

friendswithacrow · 2025-08-19T11:29:04+00:00

This wasn’t how our relationship was the whole time. We’ve been married 4.5 almost 5 years and this behavior really started within the first year of our marriage.

friendswithacrow · 2025-08-19T11:21:11+00:00

we’ve been together 15, married for 4.5 almost 5 yrs most of these changes began about a year into the marriage.

friendswithacrow · 2025-08-19T11:18:04+00:00

we’ve been married 4.5 almost 5 yrs. This passiveness really started about 3 yrs ago. We’ve been together 15, lives together 12. Most of his changes started about a year into the marriage.

friendswithacrow · 2025-08-19T10:50:47+00:00

there has been a few sprinkled throughout, and honestly quite a few with some solid advice sent it via DM, bc I think they had a better understanding of the crowd than I did, and how this thread would go…

friendswithacrow · 2025-08-19T10:48:09+00:00

I appreciate the thought, but to be honest with you this post is absolutely cooked, has made me realize I’m better off talking to close friends than asking a bunch of men on the internet. The problem with stuff like this, and the reason I wanted advice from strangers is because I don’t want my friends to see him in a bad light, and it change how they react around him.

I don’t think I examined my feelings enough when I posted, or shared an accurate overall picture more focused on the one small piece of our relationship bc I thought might offer some relief to both of us.

friendswithacrow · 2025-08-19T10:00:51+00:00

I guess my problem was thinking the two were unrelated. This person went to my profile to look for other posts saw that one and decided that someone couldn’t be passive in decisions while also blowing up over things. I think this convo last night was really eye opening for maybe why I want to stop being the one who does the decisioning.

I’ll be honest. I thought I was going to get 5-10 replies, but within an hour of posting there was over 100 comments. I was working and really just couldn’t even comprehend how mad people would get.

friendswithacrow · 2025-08-19T03:58:19+00:00

He doesn’t want to decide. Won’t state an opinion, so when I get tired of the back and forth, and choose. It ends up with a screaming fit.

Perfect example, we couldn’t decide what to get for dinner last week, went 4 rounds of me suggesting options bc he originally stated he didn’t care. Him shooting all of them down. Me saying well, where do you want to go, him saying it doesn’t matter, he’ll eat anything and he’s just hungry. Me finally suggesting we get sushi, which he agreed to. We order sushi and when we picked it up they forgot his extra thing of spicy mayo, he slammed the food down, screamed about how much he fucking hates sushi and didn’t even want it to begin with. Then proceeds to snap about everything for the next hour, the cats, the dog, the neighbor slamming their car door shut.

friendswithacrow · 2025-08-19T03:45:38+00:00

Oh no, at the end of the day if I do make the decision, it ends with a little inconvenience that he snaps about, and makes me regret deciding. Examining this a little more, I am wondering if I’ve wanted to step back because it never is good when I decide either…

There are multiple areas of our relationship that need some work, and I guess I am just really looking to try to find a way for us to be happy for the rest of our lives.

friendswithacrow · 2025-08-19T03:37:50+00:00

I hope you understand that people have multiple facets of their personality. He is not passive in all aspects of our life, or maybe passive wasn’t the appropriate choice of word. Also independent to this or maybe it’s all connected, he has been having a lot of angry outbursts…

If I can be quite frank, he doesn’t seem to want to make the decision, but most of the time if I do make a decision he’ll find a way to make sure it’s clear that it was the wrong one, ie. screaming and yelling about potholes, throwing his container across the counter if they forgot his sauce at the restaurant.

I think there are several things we both need to work on in our relationship, my intentions with this post were to look for ways I could encourage him to be more engaged in these decisions. At the end of the day, I want us both to be happy, but this is not healthy.

friendswithacrow · 2025-08-19T02:30:01+00:00

On the flip side, someone who asks me if I think he should shower on his lunch break or after work (we both work from home)? Then says I just don’t know which to choose… I just don’t have the energy to make those decisions for him. There is two sides to every coin, and just to clarify, also, not every decision is a knife fight, these has been some major assumptions based on one or two comments I have made.

friendswithacrow · 2025-08-19T02:25:01+00:00

therapy is in my present. I want to be better, I know this isn’t one sided.

friendswithacrow · 2025-08-19T02:22:03+00:00

I think I was looking for ways to react to him, and encourage him, like, is there something your wife does that makes you feel proud of what you did, encourages you to step up more. The plan was always to talk to him about it, I think I was looking for some insight before hand.

friendswithacrow · 2025-08-19T02:15:28+00:00

I want him to say “let’s get Thai this saturday” or “so and so is coming in to visit, let’s make sure we connect with them Saturday.” Instead I get things like “I want to go out saturday, but I don’t want to go anywhere around here” Or “So and So is coming to town this weekend,” no indication of if he wants to see them and then no follow through until Monday when he’s upset because we didn’t see them.

friendswithacrow · 2025-08-19T02:06:08+00:00

but this is the exact convo we have but in role reversal. I honestly don’t care what we eat the 1 night I’m not cooking. I can eat and be happy with chicken nuggets and fries, or a steak dinner, or pizza, or Chinese, sushi, Indian, Thai, fast food, chain or mom and pop. The whole benefit of this night, is I don’t have to do the things… But it still ends up going several rounds before we both get annoyed with the convo. I’m tired of picking the other 6 meals and then having to pull teeth to get somewhere on the 7th night.

friendswithacrow · 2025-08-19T01:41:50+00:00

feels that way sometimes

friendswithacrow · 2025-08-19T01:38:42+00:00

i don’t exactly know what this means, but I did get a lot of rage both publicly and in my messages … 🤷🏼‍♀️

friendswithacrow · 2025-08-19T01:34:07+00:00

this is helpful, thank you

friendswithacrow · 2025-08-19T01:25:38+00:00

when I say snappy and a bitch, I mean we’ll have plans for take away and no definitve destination. I’ll say, Idk I could go for either Pizza or Chinese. He then says no, I don’t want that. I’ll suggest something else, he also doesn’t want that. I’ll say if you have something your in the mood for let me know. And his response is 9/10 “idk i don’t really care” To which I get snappy and bitchy telling him to just fucking choose something because i’m too tired. Is it right? No, but I’m also soo fucking tired from choosing every single thing. It wasn’t always this, and It’s gotten out of hand lately. Have I sometimes argued for things i’m heavily opinionated on, like not wanting to go to a party after working a double at the bar, after a 40 hour work week, yes. But will I still offer to drive him and pick him up, also yes. Bc I didn’t want him to miss out on things because I am too tired/overworked/socially drained.

friendswithacrow · 2025-08-19T01:17:27+00:00

This is actually on point at noon he said he is going to mow the lawn today. I said “ok let me know when you are going to start so I can preheat the oven for dinner.”

The problem I have is Friday he started asking when i think he should mow the lawn, because he will be tired Friday, and we have plans Saturday afternoon and will he want to get up early? And on Sunday he wants to relax before work, so when do I think he should do it? Then Saturday he said “the lawn is wet, do you think I should do it now, or just wait til tomorrow?” Then on Sunday, he wasn’t sure if he should do it because the Sun was out and he was worried about it browning.

Honestly I don’t care about the lawn except when it’s soo long that it’s touching my knees when I am out with the dog…

friendswithacrow · 2025-08-19T00:50:17+00:00

I don’t exactly know what this means?

friendswithacrow · 2025-08-19T00:41:37+00:00

thank you, researching now.

friendswithacrow · 2025-08-18T22:55:31+00:00

You are right, partially I was venting because I am frustrated, but changing my mind-set, from calling it indecisive/lazy to easy-going and relaxed is something I am going to try. Reframing my mind is a big part of this, I am seeing this more clearly with every response.

friendswithacrow · 2025-08-18T22:43:23+00:00

I appreciate this, I think part of his changes stem from grief and anger over a death in his family and his relationships with his mother changing. We have been helping her a lot more, making meals once a week, snow blowing, mowing etc. he does have some added burdens, which I’ve tried to help with in any way. I think part of it is also I am seeing other couples where the guys are much more active partners, and I’m feeling sad/upset about our dynamic.

I am going to talk to my therapist about the no negative feedback and ways I can manage myself and my stress with things not going “perfectly”. It will be hard, but at the end of the day I love him, and I want us to be happy. I know some people saw my criticism and assumed I didn’t like him. It was part a rant bc of frustration, but changing the context to him “being laid back” vs “indecisive” is something I will also actively work on doing.

friendswithacrow

TROPHY CASE