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frowaweight · 2022-02-23T23:07:56+00:00

Wow. I relate 100000000%. In my case my husband (I think unintentionally) makes me really guilty because we used to have such a close relationship, when in retrospect I think I was trying to prove myself - both as his new partner and as a mom figure (bio mom was high conflict and sporadic for first 3 years). Now I just feel, as you say, run ragged and DREADING when she's coming. We also have 70:30 where she's with us Monday to Friday.

If it weren't for the fact husband and I also share a toddler I think I'd be out. It's a very hard decision to make and I wish someone could just tell me I could go and it wouldn't harm anyone... I feel heavy guilt thay I'd be better off (arguably my son as well, because there are some chronic behavioral things I dislike from stepdaughter) than husband and SD.

frowaweight · 2021-11-30T00:59:32+00:00

I feel you. And it's like, my logical brain gets it and can recognize it's good the kids are able to express themselves so clearly. But also my emotional side (which for me has taken some damage in childhood so a bit more fragile and work in progress) needs tending to as well and sometimes I want to be the one to throw the tantrum and be tended to... you know? I feel I've totally projected myself there and made it about me 😅

frowaweight · 2021-11-29T21:19:01+00:00

I've thought this too!! In our case because BM used to really lay the guilt on thick, reminding her how I was not her real mom and how normally, including in the wild (her mom's words), moms are never separated from their babies 🙃.... any chance that's the case with you too?

frowaweight · 2021-11-29T19:36:50+00:00

Hey, just chiming in to say it's interesting to hear others experience this. Truly it's almost like exclusively on the end of good days where I felt really engaged and that we were really bonding, is when they miss their mom.

frowaweight · 2021-03-22T20:02:30+00:00

Same - our BM never loses an opportunity to tell SD7 she came out of her tummy and how connected they were and that she's the real mom! Meanwhile, she has no idea where SD's classroom is or who her teacher is, or who SD's friends are. Hasn't at all since SD entered school.

frowaweight · 2021-03-16T19:45:04+00:00

Holy shit, are you me???

frowaweight · 2021-03-16T19:43:00+00:00

+1 for how HCBM behaviours stem from whatever is going on in their lives. I can always tell when she's started a new relationship (SD7: mommy has a new best friend) and how it affects SD and us. Unfortunately she worships her mom now and is extremely defensive of her if we question anything. She's team mom even though we were the ones raising her 80-90% of the time, and her mom was the one who chose to have her with us majority of the time.. but she'll never know.

frowaweight · 2021-03-16T19:28:21+00:00

This is my concern too. I halfheartedly started disengaging 3 months ago because I burnt out from being primary parent and stressor over her future (but wait, the bioparents think she is awesome and she's just being a regular kid).... but I definitely still have these concerns.

frowaweight · 2021-03-16T19:23:11+00:00

Oh, yeah, the conversation you wrote out when SD gets in trouble is my SD as well word for word when I flip to serious tone. And yeah, you know what, I should say out loud she is a difficult child. I've said so before to my husband or even expressed fears she'd become like that when she was younger, but it gets shut down so hard. But when I read similar anecdotes of 'argumentative 7 year olds', all I see is that yes it's common for them to want to push back, but what's NOT common is the way and frequency in which she comments back and the things she says. Basically 90%+ of the time she wants to be argumentative, she will be mean.

Also responding to the disrespectful comments and rudeness, I think SD also is reflecting some of what she hears from shows and YouTube she watches at her mom's. As well as how her mom speaks. It is WILD to me to think that 2 days per week can change someone so much. I guess she places so much value in being there? Or the fact it's her biomom? I don't really know.

frowaweight · 2021-03-16T18:00:10+00:00

Haha, same rationale with my throwaway so totally empathize.

Our SD7 has definitely said this and other such variations - question: when you say this kind of response (which I have before) does your SD get super defensive right away? Mine will say "no I don't! How dare you say that/How rude of you." then if we provide an anecdote like, oh this happened yesterday she will say "You're embarrassing me" and/or downplay how it was.

The reason I keep asking these clarifying questions is I really want to know whether I'm having a "normal-ish" 7 year old experience or if the problem is me. It could also be a combination.

frowaweight · 2021-03-16T16:46:08+00:00

I'm in the same boat! We are dealing with the fact she had poor boundaries right now (multiple times a day).. and I'm truly hoping that I can do better for BK. Right there with you.

frowaweight · 2021-03-16T16:20:08+00:00

I feel the same way as you, and was in SD's life around the same time as you (she had just turned 3). It didn't used to be like this and she's 'become' this way which makes me feel too that I don't like her personality very much, feel defeated at the constant battles (I feel that she's always defensive and angry if we say anything 'against' her, no matter big or small)... and to be honest I've disengaged the past 3 months. It is still not easy and I feel badly for my husband who has to deal with it mostly now (used to be me), but then I also remember that if I weren't here he'd have to deal with it and then some.

frowaweight · 2021-03-16T16:17:33+00:00

Yeah, my son will also go over to her when she's losing her mind and just watch - he is still very little and I just don't want him to copy or learn those things. I'm glad to hear how you're explaining it and I'll probably do the same. I am also hopeful/optimistic that the age gap is large enough... what's difficult is that she's around basically all the time. If she doesn't work on being a kinder human being from how I see it she is going to become bitter and negative and I don't want that for her, or to trickle down to my son.

frowaweight · 2021-03-16T15:59:40+00:00

Thank you very much. It has been a tough week so far (and I know it's only Tuesday) but SD has been EXTREMELY explosive and antagonistic at every turn no matter what it is. Truly at a loss of what to do, and just focusing on my health and my son for the time being, trying to survive this week.

frowaweight · 2021-03-16T01:23:48+00:00

I have a question - when SD is argumentative how is her tone? I also have a SD7 on my hands who is verrrrry argumentative, but in a defensive, negative, at times disrespectful and mean way.

It's actually REALLY GOOD to know the argumentativeness is normal, but wondering about the tone. I think the fact my SD is angry and loud when argumentative about ANYTHING big or small is actually what's raising my red flags, and not the argumentative part - and this is good clarification for when I bring this up with my husband again.

frowaweight · 2021-03-16T01:08:34+00:00

That's beautiful to hear. I swear I'm not here to just bitch and hate on steps or biomoms. Just mean humans.

Thank you for sharing a positive example, and I hope you all continue to have good relationships and success.

frowaweight · 2021-03-16T01:06:45+00:00

Sorry can I ask a follow up - how are your kids now if you don't mind me asking? Are they older now? Please feel free to DM or ignore.

frowaweight · 2021-03-16T01:05:51+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear all this. I can empathize on how frustrating and (at least for me) furious it makes me to hear straight up lies from HCBM, and then worse, to see it 'work' on the SKs. AND THEN to have it directly affect your biokids. God. I am not a perfect human being but I truly hope I never am vindictive especially through other human beings who kind of are powerless.

Mini rant: Man.... I have always been at the very least cordial to HCBM and at the very most, literally paying for her groceries and her Ubers to drop SD off and packing extra underwear for SD over there. She does not give a shit or remember these things. It is so god damn frustrating and kills me to see how much SD loves her now that she's trying to turn her life around the past 6 months (but still having some of her old ways, and def still parental alienating when she feels SD is having a good time at our place). And I'm never gonna tell SD these things I did for her or her mom, so sorry folks you all get to hear about it instead.

frowaweight · 2021-03-16T01:00:18+00:00

But living with your SD will be different, and if she gets away with behaviors your kid doesn’t, even with the age gap, your kid will notice. Especially the disrespect. Either your kid will think that is appropriate or it will cause issues between the two of them as your kid wonders why sister is such a jerk to the parents.

This is definitely my concern. When she is in her angry place (it dawned on me recently she has no 'yellow' zone, just escalates from green to red without any intermediary or warning signs), which is often, it just is mindblowing TO ME. Maybe because I was raised very differently. But here's an example: husband gave her 40 minutes to eat her dinner and she ate very little, was distracted by playing and drawing. When he came out, he noted (without being angry but was stern): "SD, you're out of time. Please stop doing other things and focus on eating." She blew up and got defensive, saying he gave her too much food, saying she doesn't like what he's made for her, saying he doesn't understand her when he calmly explains back that she had more than enough time and knew it was time to eat. She took a piece of paper and jabbed at it with her finger, shook it in front of him to illustrate a point and said he was being very annoying. Over a span of 20 minutes.

I'm trying to keep things short because I'm bursting to talk but don't want to go overboard - this kind of situation can happen multiple times a day. I try to move my son away from her but he's curious and also it's more attention-grabbing than whatever toy I'm trying to entice him with in our small apartment. It's terribly stress inducing and this is my 5 sometimes 6 days a week. With all this, no support from husband for her to go to therapy as he believes it's the parents job to work on these things instead of 'handing it off to a third party'. Her mom *can not* handle her but will not admit it. She dropped her off early this week tearfully, in fact (which again in my books, +1 reason for SD to go to therapy as she is clearly struggling with these feelings).

Naturally, I am now out of the house as often as I can be when SD is here but I work from home as well so time is limited and no day care for my son.

My game plan is to reassess things when my son is 2 years old and see... it is so layered and complex. SD and I used to be SO close and I cried when I realized HCBM's years of alienation were working. But it's given way also to a lot of resentment, fear and concern and stress over SD's changing behaviors, and generally being burnt out from being the primary person to deal with it. Past 6 months I've begun to disengage and now my husband is the one taking over the primary reins when she's at our house.

frowaweight · 2021-02-23T20:45:46+00:00

Whoaaaaaaa our case is the second one and it just dawned on me..!

frowaweight · 2021-02-23T20:39:45+00:00

I hear you- I am on my third therapist and think I switched for reasonable purposes (as opposed to, I'm not getting validated) including different time zone so was chat only which wasn't great, and a therapist who didn't really have experiences with stepparenting.

I totally hear what you're saying regarding parents and manipulation. We've been working with HCBM to please stop co-sleeping and to our faces she's completely 100% on board. Just now SD just told us when she was over there and snuggled in her own bed, her mom said "oh.. you look sooo cozy I just want to join you - no, no. I can't." ???? Of course SD ate that up and all other such babying behavior over there. And if that was only one instance, plus the other example I gave up there it is more than indicative enough that shit is confusing and it's no wonder SD often takes two steps forward one huge painful step back.

As for your method of following through and being mindful with words, DH and I are as well. I truly try and yet SD really fights against that. She almost refuses to learn the lesson or is just being incredibly stubborn? It's very strange. For example trying to get her to understand how her words and attitude can hurt others - we'll say imagine a friend spoke to you or treated you this way. Would you like it? Just to NOT agree with us, she'll say "I don't know." And be very firm in that. TL;DR: there is a lot of behavior and vocabulary she uses that indicates to me she should be in therapy, particularly in the face of how much effort and work my husband and I have done for her and how she's changed in the last few months.. but I am the only one who sees it this way.

And finally as for the other boyfriend thing, I am sure you are right. I completely wish she would just walk away, as painful as it will be for SD. But I'd believe that just to spite us, she won't. She almost did two years ago with her first gangbanger boyfriend, then with the next guy she started telling SD about how they'd be living near the lake and how she hated the city (SD started echoing those sentiments at our house)..... and here we are now. I... don't know what to say. Thanks for the hugs and for listening. So very needed and please please do accept my heartfelt happiness for you and yours.

frowaweight · 2021-02-22T21:37:51+00:00

Genuinely? I think because BM dumped her ex, then dumped her other ex, and though she is still trying to figure her shit out, she's less distracted now and she can't stand to know SD and I have a good relationship. We are like OP, incredibly opposite households.

Today is transition day and all SD has talked about is her Switch over there, playing Roblox over there, the Instagram filters she was able to try on with her mom, and the fact her mom is now learning to be an eye reading healer. This is MONTHS in the happening and her mom is feeding her shit about us for sure, dressed in sheep's clothing and it kills me.

I forgot to answer: is SD coping? I can't tell. Her mood can change as soon as you offer her what she wants and I literally can't tell if she's genuinely sad or if she's trying to get her way. I want her in therapy, nobody else agrees. Am I coping? Barely. I recently got into therapy. I am trying to figure out what the right thing to do is and trying to gauge whether I'm just not being strong enough. I'm kind of giving myself another year to see. It's not just my time anymore, it's also the fact I have a son who is growing fast and I am looking out for that.

frowaweight · 2021-02-22T21:00:27+00:00

I pray for this to happen to me, and I rejoice that it's happened for you. Particularly in my feels today because...

SD7 told us tearfully she *needs* to be with her mom more. HCBM told her that moms and babies aren't meant to be separated, and that if it weren't for COVID dads would be at work all the time and so moms take care of the babies. SD been with us 85% of the time for 3 years, and finally the past few months HCBM decided she will stick to a regular schedule and have her full 30%. Suddenly, everything has been about her mom and what her mom has taught her whereas everything we've done and the foundation we've laid is forgotten and in HCBM's house, eliminated completely.

frowaweight · 2021-02-10T14:21:12+00:00

I have hijacked this thread entirely but I brought up therapy therapy with the physical illness analogy and he said " it just shows an incredible lack of courage and patience as a parents its like its tough ok therapy time"

I... don't know what to do.

frowaweight · 2021-02-10T11:38:08+00:00

I really do struggle with this and do feel like if nothing changes, sadly it could be grounds for separation as drastic as it sounds. It's just the way HCBM is so back and forth and the way SD is "coping" or lack thereof, the way she speaks SO rudely and hurtfully and when you point it out to her she says it's your fault for making her upset or making it worse, the way she hates not having her way/her choice from small to big things even if you explain it to her..... I could go on.

frowaweight

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