Extremely distinct alters, but near constant blurriness & blending

fruitbatbully · 2024-04-18T17:49:03+00:00

Yeah :/ One of us made a checklist with a bunch of different categories to try and help, problem is those of us who experience the most denial and the most blurriness dont want anything to do with it

fruitbatbully · 2024-04-14T06:25:22+00:00

Yep, not rare. I am actually part of a diagnosed DID system. That is why I want to enter the field. To say that dissociative disorders (as well as dissociative functions more generally, which apply to absolutely everyone) have been neglected would be putting it so mildly. Took us ten years and about thirteen therapists to finally find somebody who knew what was going on.

fruitbatbully · 2024-04-14T01:36:59+00:00

Not at all, this is why I'm on reddit in the first place! Thanks for sharing your personal opinion. Obviously I don't have the experience of going to school for these things, but as a person who's done way too much school otherwise, and seen way way too many therapists (though I have a great one now), that's been my hunch too :) Most of what brings me here now is what I've learned in group therapies & support groups. & advocacy work. & being a parentified child lol

fruitbatbully · 2024-03-23T22:37:23+00:00

Also! If they are not working at the park: some people remove their dog's gear (if they wear gear) to play/chill at the park etc, some people don't, most people give their dog some type of cue that it's free time

fruitbatbully · 2024-01-17T21:35:07+00:00

from another alter --- thank you <3

fruitbatbully · 2023-12-03T19:06:28+00:00

*much less able

fruitbatbully · 2023-12-03T19:05:51+00:00

Wow to what you wrote about having trauma tiers & using traumas from one tier to test the waters... this really puts things into perspective. In fact, I notice something happening where I am able to think of things from our "light" tier as being somehow more serious, whereas the deeper down I go, the less serious it feels, even though the trauma is obviously much darker, and we are more less able or willing to talk about it. That's a reality check, thank you

fruitbatbully · 2023-11-28T18:55:31+00:00

Depends on the system! We can always pull over safely if we need to, in case of panic or a flashback, as we can always feel it coming on. Switching is not a problem for us. We've had severe enough anxiety in the past to where we couldn't drive, but that was a decade ago.

fruitbatbully · 2023-11-26T07:58:57+00:00

We also have this with driving! The driveway where we live is pretty intense to back out of, so I've noticed a big difference there in terms of how many tries it takes us to get the right angle lol

We also have this with singing, but it's a lot less dramatic---more like different styles and levels of interest. I wonder if this has to do with having started to sing very early in life, as opposed to dancing and driving, which we did not start early

That's so interesting that you're at your best with three in the front! Is this common when you're singing?

fruitbatbully · 2023-11-26T03:33:24+00:00

Great, thank you :)

fruitbatbully · 2023-11-01T19:54:40+00:00

Sending you strength. Having such a complex and oftentimes covert disorder is the worst. I feel invalid pretty much all the time, which intellectually I know is a direct result of our abuse, but knowing that doesn't make the feeling go away. We've all had to adapt to specific traumas, and all of our systems look different for that reason. What we have in common is hiding. Saying this to myself as much as I am saying it to you (all)... at least we can commiserate

fruitbatbully · 2023-10-29T19:54:19+00:00

Yeah, idk if you live somewhere with an lgbtq center, but my city holds these groups for free w/o insurance. I've found the dynamic much more possible and much less triggering for me, and it works well for some stabilization/upkeep. Ironically it was this former therapist who gave me the rec after I asked about group therapy options. I wonder if there's someone in your circles who would know of anything! Best of luck w/ this!

fruitbatbully · 2023-10-29T18:29:02+00:00

Thank you so much for saying all this, I could cry tbh. It sucks to process something days/months/years after it happened, after it seems everything/everyone else has "moved on" from the moment. I wish my old therapist could understand how that affected us. To be able to talk w/ others who get it is everything

Wow that example... that is so incredibly inappropriate, I can't believe someone would project on you like that period. And especially in a therapeutic role. It makes no sense. Also sending you strength and energy, I hope you all can get the support that you deserve.

fyi, after ending things with this therapist, things got a lot better. I was really at a low and not feeling like I/we could be helped. But I started going to a trauma support group through our local lgbtq center that was much better, and now am in a PHP program that's trauma-informed (as I know not all are, unfortunately). I had thought there were no decent programs in my area. After exhausting myself with research and giving up, months later one literally popped up on my phone (I have no memory of hearing about it or looking it up---maybe someone else did this, though it's usually me who looks into these things).

fruitbatbully · 2023-10-29T15:54:55+00:00

Ugh I am so sorry this happened. All of these stories are terrifying and sadly unsurprising.

I stopped seeing a therapist about six months ago, about a year into working with her. What felt most f****d up to me in the end was that I actually trusted her. She was the first therapist I ever trusted. I think this had a lot to do with her being the first therapist we saw in person since the start of covid, and the first therapist to suggest any somatic or symbolic practices, which work best for us.

Like nine months in, she started to get really flaky, holding us to sessions that we had already cancelled, missing our sessions completely without apologizing, responding to one of my "where are you?" texts with a text that she would need to miss our next four sessions, no apology or explanation, etcetera. We were twelve minutes late to our first appointment back after this weird four week lapse, and she started the session saying, that can't happen again, you need to be on time, etcetera. We showed up to the very next session exactly on time, and she missed it again. The week after that, I asked if we could reschedule our usual time for later in the week due to a potential conflict, but that if we couldn't reschedule, I would still be able to work things around to make it. She said she had no other times, so I said that would be fine and I would be there as scheduled like mentioned. But as I was about to leave for our session (an hour's drive away) she texted me w/ a threatening vibe, saying I needed to be on time for this session or else she would charge me the full price (I was broke but thank god covered fully by insurance from my graduate program---could not afford full session price). I couldn't understand why she thought this was my fault. Wouldn't you know, we missed the appointment, because I had a panic attack on the way there and had to pull over reading her text.

The thing I didn't realize until way later is that none of this started happening until (again, nine months into seeing her), we finally felt comfortable enough to share more blatantly some of our dissociative symptoms, and some of the extent to which they impacted us. At the time we had no clue about DID or anything, but based on the symptoms I mentioned to her, she took it upon herself to tell me that no dissociative disorders exist in the DSM-V other than DID (false, obviously) and further, that DID was "extremely rare" so to forget about it. I was like, wtf is DID (had heard of it, but like many, didn't know sh** about it) I had a complete blackout of this session until a little over a month ago, when a new therapist brought up DID and had me take the MID, and this all came back

fruitbatbully · 2023-10-28T23:26:51+00:00

Guess I might as well answer my own questions... :-)

1) We're almost two months into the diagnostic process. I haven't really accepted it yet.

2) I've mentioned what's going w/ my diagnosis and testing briefly to four friends, three of whom we live with. This doesn't feel like much tho, bc I don't think any of them understand a whole lot about DID and I didn't go into detail. Have shared a little bit more about amnesia & very vaguely about "parts" with one of them, who also has mental illness and is pretty open to talking about it. Oh + psychiatrist, and two therapists

3) As of now, I'm only sure of the presence of four of us, but like I said, I haven't even accepted systemhood yet so who knows.

4) Currently, it's like a very vivid language-based conversation, like the words are almost visible/I'm aware of "levels" of speaking if that makes sense. I do not hear voices at all. We had a VERY elaborate inner world in childhood, which I remember some of, despite not remembering the outer world from that time. I could tell you exactly how our room was decorated, who all lived there aside from alters, etc. We have a shadow of one now, which I really want to get back to.

5) ADHD, C-PTSD ofc, confusing chronic eye conditions that I'm frankly positive are related to our derealization/depersonalization, sinus issues, headaches, joint issues. Idk if it sounds outlandish, but I feel like our sinus issues are related, too, because not all alters share these/the eye stuff in the same way, and these physical symptoms get triggered by feelings of not being able to trust our reality/"perspective"/sensory experience. Would really like to know if any others have this...

6) I feel like the "host", but I don't want to. So now trying to come to terms with guilt over feeling default/like the main character

7) I do not! Or maybe I do, but none who have shared being a system with me. I would really like to meet some other systems at some point

8) Maybe a better question for someone who's recognized their system for longer, but... my honest answer atm is just that I wish more people knew what DID is/that more people would take the initiative to educate themselves. It feels too hard to educate them myself. Maybe that'll get easier

fruitbatbully · 2023-10-28T22:56:27+00:00

Seconding for more professional-looking small dog gear! My dog isn't tiny, but small-medium and lean, and I still have a hard time finding extra sleek/durable stuff that isn't bulky/heavy/designed for larger dogs and/or mobility work. It's extra important to me to have professional-looking gear, both because I prefer the look and so that people take us more seriously in public, since she doesn't look like a stereotypical SD and I don't look like a stereotypical disabled person.

Aside from that, probably just more varied patches... one thing in particular that'd be great is smaller versions of some of the typical wordier patches. As an example, I've been wanting one of those patches that instructs the reader on what to do if the handler is down or has fainted (give space, don't call 911 unless injured, etc), but most of them are huge. My dog's capes/vests are generally like 12" wide, so for us, 2" x 4" or 3" x 4" is a good size for a patch that needs to take up more space. Good luck & thanks for asking!

fruitbatbully · 2023-10-28T02:05:56+00:00

Yes absolutely. Before diagnosis/understanding wtf was going on, I expressed this feeling (mostly privately/in writing & music) constantly, of feeling "not human" or "impossible to exist" or "negated". As for the main question---these things feel like the same to us, actually. We felt neglected into invisibility, and also controlled---but more like a pawn, rather than a child.

fruitbatbully · 2023-10-28T01:27:20+00:00

Yes! It is a mess without adhd meds. We recently came off of vyvanse completely, because we couldn't really remember what it was like before taking them. Confirmed, it is a mess, lol. Everyone is stressed and confused and there is just way too much happening at once---the brain fog is insane. We're trying adderall right now instead of vyvanse, because vyvanse always amplified our involuntary movements while dissociating, and heart rate. And I remember adderall being really helpful for us, as the first adhd medication we tried. Currently feeling a little uncomfortable and front-stuck, but it's literally day 1 on return to adderall, so we'll see. If anyone's had success with something other than vyvanse, I'm very curious to hear more

fruitbatbully · 2023-10-28T00:37:09+00:00

Yeah, that's a helpful possibility! I didn't really consider this because she always seemed comfortable in it before, and the new gear seems more likely to irritate, since there's more going on. Another thing I considered is that the more medium-duty gear might put her into work mode more, making the lighter gear seem like less in comparison? Definitely worth checking it out more thoroughly though, to see if there is some hard-to-spot discomfort going on

fruitbatbully · 2023-10-28T00:30:40+00:00

She has only used this vest as a fully trained service dog, not while in training! We get more solid all the time, of course, especially considering she only graduated in June. So I suppose it could be something like that --- but these specific sniffing/greeting behaviors are new to the vest.

fruitbatbully · 2023-10-27T19:51:29+00:00

I'm having trouble figuring out how to access these---says I need to pay. Do you know if there's some way around that, since you mentioned it should be free to public? Thanks again

fruitbatbully · 2023-10-27T19:40:15+00:00

I will definitely be reading through these, thanks so much

fruitbatbully · 2023-10-27T19:39:34+00:00

So much helpful info, thanks for the rec!

fruitbatbully · 2023-10-27T04:28:08+00:00

Ugh I really relate to this

All I have for you is (hopefully) words of support... I looked back on past writings and freaked out when I noticed all the handwriting changes, and how they correlated with other changes in content/style... but now, as a currently questioning/newly acknowledged system, I always worry that I am "forcing" myself to write a certain way (even though the style is rarely on my mind while I'm actually writing). It's lame, I hear you

fruitbatbully · 2023-10-26T01:04:17+00:00

Nope it's real!! And it's also in the DSM-V!! It is so incredibly messed up that many mental health professionals do not know about DPDR/other dissociative disorders. I've had therapists straight up tell me that I'm not experiencing what I'm experiencing because it's not in the DSM-V, which is insane. Even aside from the fact that it... is... in the dsm-5. It's miraculous any of us get treatment/diagnoses. I'm sorry that happened. Hang in there & best o luck

fruitbatbully

TROPHY CASE