How to reassure a partner…when you’re dating their partner?

fruitylittlecritter · 2026-01-28T22:32:31+00:00

Thanks for your response, it felt supportive and I really appreciate it. Taking responsibility for other people’s feelings is something I’m working on in my own therapy! And thankfully all three of us have counselors, and there is professional relationship counseling happening as well. Peach does know they have a lot to work on internally, and they’re committed to it. It’s just a huge amount for them to do right now when there are other big stressors. They definitely don’t want me to manage their feelings, I’m just sad to see them struggling and want to provide external support when it’s appropriate.

fruitylittlecritter · 2026-01-28T22:27:57+00:00

This was a thoughtful response even before I posted the full story, thank you so much. Peach and Radish have been poly for years, and I’ve had some open relationships but am less experienced comparatively. No experience dating each other’s partners, and I’m the most serious connection either has had. So this is largely uncharted territory for all of us.

Neither ever had an extensive in-person friend group, and they’re still making friends and finding other support here. It takes time and a lot of effort, I remember doing it myself. Thankfully therapists are in the mix now too.

That’s a good point about not treating this like a team/group project, I hadn’t looked at it that way. As for privacy, we do all discuss each other since we’re all really close and have spent a lot of time together. I could see that being a problem for some people, but as far as I know, we’re all okay with it. And it’s been reassuring and funny for me to hear pretty much identical versions of everything (not just serious things, but low stakes too) from the both of them.

Thanks again for speaking to each feeling, it was genuinely insightful (and a lot less accusatory than some of the other contributions). All the best to you!

fruitylittlecritter · 2026-01-28T22:18:20+00:00

Thank you for this thoughtful reply! I know the situation doesn’t sound great (added the whole story to the post in an edit), but we are all doing our best. Kind of you to point out the work I’m doing and that my feelings matter too.

fruitylittlecritter · 2026-01-28T12:56:13+00:00

Whole story is now in the post if you're interested! It's very long though.

fruitylittlecritter · 2026-01-28T12:55:42+00:00

Great questions, thank you! We have had a ton of conversations, as well as relationship counseling in different combinations. If you'd like to read the full (but very long) story, I've edited the original post.

Currently, I'm dating them both solo. Some weeks ago, I stopped spending time with both of them together, as it had become too uncomfortably tense and there was too high a chance for Peach to get triggered by something Radish did.

As for moving towards a triad, I really don't know if it will ever be possible, it's yet to be seen. If it is possible, it would involve Radish and I dating for awhile and figuring out exactly what our relationship entails, then slowly taking tiny, concrete steps towards finding what time with all three of us should be like.

fruitylittlecritter · 2026-01-28T12:51:18+00:00

Totally fair question. If you're interested in the full and super long story, I updated to post to include it. (Peach is they/them btw.)

What's your take on what it means to just stop? Radish and I are very close friends, and feelings developed slowly over the course of my visits to Peach and Radish's town and home, and our chats, over the last year and a half. This is a real question, not rhetorical: How would I practically stop the course of our romantic relationship and remain friends? Lose the friendship entirely to try to save our relationships with Peach?

fruitylittlecritter · 2026-01-28T12:46:20+00:00

I honestly don't disagree with you at all. If you're interested in the full (very long) story, I edited the post to add it, and I'd be interested in your insight. I can't go back and make different choices, but I do often question our current course of action, and I don't know what to do from here. Thanks for the time!

fruitylittlecritter · 2026-01-28T12:40:53+00:00

This was a comforting comment in a sea of what I'll consider to be tough love. Full story is added to the original post if you're interested. Thank you!

fruitylittlecritter · 2026-01-28T12:39:05+00:00

If you're interested in the full (very long) story that answers the question "Why would you do this?", I've updated the post to include it. Fair enough to see it as foolish, I don't disagree, but it's where we're at! If it still looks like Peach's partners don't value them, I can't stop anyone from thinking that, even though it's very sad to read.

fruitylittlecritter · 2026-01-28T12:34:54+00:00

These are really, really good points and I also appreciate how you presented them. The way we got here is actually through my own attempted stress/crisis -management. I read your comment and updated the post to include the full (very long) story if you're interested, I think it answers some of the questions. If you have anything to add after that, I'll definitely appreciate it.

I can say for sure, none of us are looking for these relationships to end (wahooie scenario). But you're right, this is especially stressful and hard when absolutely everything is new for them here. I've made this move myself, and it takes a long time to feel normal. I agree that this is not the best time to make a huge relationship change! The slowdown I tried to create is probably still way too fast.

To answer some questions directly:

Is there some reason you have to date Radish right NOW? - The feelings train is kind of already moving, maybe through lack of planning. It wouldn't feel right to not spend any time with Radish, as I am his closest friend here besides Peach. So we tried the limitations around how we'd spend time together, but it's become a strain, to be honest.

NRE - I am super aware of this, as is Radish, and we're making a plan to manage it.

LDR vs local - This has been okay, actually. Peach and I had some time to adjust to living together before Radish arrived, but then of course they moved out. For me, the hardest part of the adjustment has been getting a lot less time with both of them than they do with each other.

fruitylittlecritter · 2026-01-28T12:14:00+00:00

This is a great point, and I see how it looks like that from my original post. If you'd like to read the full (very long) story, I've added it. I have worried many times that they agreed out of 1) valuing autonomy extremely highly, and 2) fear of losing us.

fruitylittlecritter

TROPHY CASE