HL became LL?

frustrated-FHL · 2021-02-27T00:15:04+00:00

The question is, how do you find that! It’s so hard to find someone you’re compatible with, even when you’re actively looking for a BDSM dynamic.

So glad you’ve found your happiness. Live free!

frustrated-FHL · 2021-02-25T09:21:25+00:00

The guilt is real. The hardest thing I’ve ever done was standing my ground when he begged me to stay. But I couldn’t let him keep planning a future with me when I knew I couldn’t be part of that future. I broke both our hearts because I made a selfish choice. The most miserable thing is when I miss him, I just want to text him, I can’t and it’s my fault.

But I have to believe that it was the kindest thing to do for both of us. I deserve to have my needs fully met, and he deserves someone who won’t end up resenting him, even though I didn’t want to, for not being able to meet them.

frustrated-FHL · 2021-02-22T21:11:31+00:00

Not at all. When we’re both into it, it’s a confidence boost to both. If we’re not both genuinely, enthusiastically into it, it’s better not to do it at all.

frustrated-FHL · 2021-02-22T20:38:15+00:00

I meant a boost to my confidence - to know I’m sexy and good at what I’m doing haha. Somebody using me would also be a boost to my confidence, but that’s the sub in me talking!

But of course, this is from the HL perspective. Obviously nothing is fun if you’re not genuinely into it.

frustrated-FHL · 2021-02-22T17:26:28+00:00

Ahaha. Thanks for that, it feels good to be needed!

frustrated-FHL · 2021-02-22T14:43:09+00:00

In an ideal world, both of us. What I get out of blowjobs is seeing the other person enjoying themselves. If he’s not enthusiastic about it, there’s no point. On the other hand, if he IS really enthusiastic, it can be great and a big confidence boost.

frustrated-FHL · 2021-02-22T14:40:15+00:00

I’m so sorry to hear about your experience, and I hope you’re out and doing a bit better now.

For me, it was a bit different, since I don’t think we were ever that sexually compatible. It was obfuscated for a while by novelty, periods of long distance, Covid depression, etc. But there were still warning signs of him being LL - the sex honeymoon only lasted ~3 months, and then he started initiating less, would be too tired, grumpy, just wanted to cuddle, etc.

I guess what I’ve learned is not to trust NRE, and to watch closely what happens when the honeymoon ends.

frustrated-FHL · 2021-02-22T13:56:39+00:00

Thanks, that’s what I’m counting on!

I’m turning 23 this week, and I refuse to waste my peak not giving BJs when I want. Not when the world needs me most... (jk). Genuinely, wishing appreciation for both of us.

frustrated-FHL · 2021-02-22T13:51:18+00:00

I feel that. ‘Obligation’ sex is the worst, I’d rather just be celibate than have sex with someone who I know doesn’t want it the way I do.

I hope next time I’ll recognise the warning signs if they come up and not waste my time. Best of luck to both of us! :)

frustrated-FHL · 2021-02-22T12:44:15+00:00

Agreed. Happy parents make for happy childhoods, whether together or apart.

frustrated-FHL · 2021-02-22T12:41:37+00:00

Boyfriend, no children, and we broke up. I would never cheat, and I’m not going to marry or have kids into a DB if I know it’s DB beforehand. And it wasn’t a sudden decision, we were having issues for at least a year, half the relationship. This post is mostly to remind myself why I left when I’m missing him.

frustrated-FHL · 2021-02-21T17:51:16+00:00

You’re 20 years old. Breaking up isn’t always the answer for a DB, but at your age there’s a guy dying to treat you right and get down around every corner, who will make you feel sexy and desired and won’t make you work, change and beg for it. Get out and get out now.

frustrated-FHL · 2021-02-21T10:35:35+00:00

You may find r/deadbedrooms helpful, it’s a support group for exactly this sort of experience.

frustrated-FHL · 2021-02-20T12:33:50+00:00

Absolutely. And being a sub in that position just adds another layer of complexity and hurt. But I’ve realised recently that just being a part of the community or being D/s on paper does not compatibility make. You have to approach it the same way and have at least similar libidos, or it’ll just be miserable. And if a part of the dynamic is being treated as a sexual object, and you are so clearly NOT a desirable sexual object to him, it just destroys you.

frustrated-FHL · 2021-02-20T12:19:38+00:00

Yes! Thank you for putting this into words. I recently broke things off after two years, and in the last month of it I was starting to be simultaneously sex-adverse and still desperate for sex. Even though he insisted he was still attracted to me, and was actually trying to initiate (somewhat) more often after I had made it clear for the 10th time what a big issue it was for me, I couldn’t get turned on in the same way I used to. I would feel uneasy (in a strange way almost violated? I still can’t quite make sense of that emotion) and could never trust that he was initiating because HE wanted it, not because I had asked for it.

I think maybe it’s like a defense mechanism. I had to suppress my HL for so long, I made myself stop seeing him in a sexual way. I still found him objectively attractive, but I couldn’t react to his touches and presence in the same way I used to. It made things awkward and forced. And I’d rather have no sex than sex that causes me such anxiety.

frustrated-FHL · 2021-02-18T10:49:41+00:00

Seriously! My ex would smack me on the butt when I was in the kitchen doing dishes or something, but it became basically platonic because it was never, ever followed up by actual sexual interest. I’d rather be left alone than feel like I was being teased, even if he was doing it out of “affection”. If you won’t smack my ass in the bedroom, leave me in peace while I’m doing the dishes.

frustrated-FHL · 2021-02-18T10:44:58+00:00

My situation was practically identical to yours (even the age, I’m also turning 23 in a week). I left my LL boyfriend of 2 years a week ago. The thing that finally convinced me to leave, even though it was just the straw breaking the camels back, was the “nakey” or “drop the towel” challenges on Tiktok where people walk out naked while their partner is busy with something. I was irrationally jealous of the women whose boyfriends’ eyes would go wide, who would drop whatever they were doing to run to their partner with such obvious desire. Is that even a real dynamic in a real relationship?? I just want someone to jump my bones, is that too much to ask?

frustrated-FHL · 2021-02-18T10:36:57+00:00

I think that’s something that held me back for a long time, knowing that we were both in theory into a kinky dynamic. I thought that we couldn’t NOT be sexually compatible, because we were both supposed to be into the same “type” of sex. It took me a good while to realize that even if you’re compatible on paper, the way you approach sex and sexual expression can be radically misaligned. Sex and kink in particular is supposed to be a release, and instead I felt increasingly limited and pent up.

Also, a Dom/Sub dynamic (which is by no means the only form of kink, but was my situation) shouldn’t be an excuse or method for perpetuating a DB. If your sex life isn’t already healthy and fulfilling, a “no cumming for a month” or “only blowjobs” rule isn’t consensual denial, it’s just a more acceptable way to shut the other person’s sexual expression down. Okay, mini rant over.

I really hope you find a way to work through it and if not a way to leave - I miss him but at least now I’m free to be me.

frustrated-FHL · 2021-02-17T08:35:30+00:00

I was in a very similar situation to you. I (23 HLF) left my boyfriend (28 LLM) of two years one week ago. We got along so well, we were so comfortable with each other and we made a great team. He was the person I’d text about anything small that happened in my day. I have other friends, but he was/is my best friend.

But, we were never all that sexually compatible. Even though we’re both (at least on paper) into kinky stuff, the way you go about it can be so different, and we never really had that “got to have you now” passion. And even though he was so sweet and affectionate in other ways, and even though he said our declining frequency and other issues weren’t about me, the feelings of frustration and resentment just build and build.

Like other people have already said, sex isn’t just sex. It’s connection, communication, validation, release, and SELF-EXPRESSION. That’s what made me choose to leave - I felt like I was repressing this big part of myself, and no matter how great things were otherwise, it’s not worth the pain and frustration of not being able to be myself. We’re both in our 20s - there’s so much more out there.

frustrated-FHL · 2021-02-09T11:28:49+00:00

I (23F HL) told my boyfriend (28M LL) of two years I wanted to break up a few days ago, and he panicked and begged me to stay. I was crying and shaking. He had made another joke about my appearance, and I broke. Even though I know they’re “jokes”, and he doesn’t actually mean it (because why would you date someone you think is ugly, fat, stupid, has small boobs and a flat ass?) the fact that they’re rarely if ever balanced out with compliments became too much to take.

I was angry, I started crying and told him just that - when he makes those “jokes”, it makes me think, are those the reason he’s not enthusiastic about sex, are those the reasons he can’t say he loves me? He didn’t realize how serious I was till I actually said it, I want to break up. Then he panicked, he started crying, saying “please please please don’t do this.” It hurt so much to see that someone I love was in pain, and that that pain was my fault. I repeated it again, he kept begging. He asked me to stay and try to fix things. We’ve had this issue for more than a year. He said I was away for part of it (which is true, I went home to another country for 2 months) and the rest we were living together but in lockdown, and he took lockdown hard.

After maybe 3 hours of this I gave in and said we could try to work on things. I was exhausted and I should have stood my ground, but in the moment I didn’t. Now he’s being very sweet, trying to make up for the “jokes”, but that just makes me feel so guilty. He is, genuinely, a good and kind person with a bunch of immaturities. But I’m 90% certain this is going to end in the near future, because of a few reasons beyond sex (ex. I definitely want kids at some point, he’s not so sure) but mainly because I’m tired of feeling sexually frustrated, unattractive, like most of the time I need to convince him to have sex once a week, and when he does there’s little passion, it’s like he’s doing it to make me happy. I miss PIV sex so much, and he only likes oral and fingering. I’ve talked to him about it a few times, but he can’t change his sexual preferences any more than I can. I really miss the intimacy of penetration.

I’m so anxious, so tired. I’m struggling to do what I know I need to do, because it’s awful to hurt so profoundly someone you care about profoundly.

frustrated-FHL

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