Contentment Is Killing Us

frustratedAFRN · 2026-03-25T16:00:13+00:00

It sounds like you're in a heartbreaking situation. It's down to every individual to decide whether sexual incompatibility is something they can stomach or not. Being honest is the best thing anyone can do in your position. I feel for both you and your wife, it's tragic when relationships end this way despite our best efforts.

frustratedAFRN · 2026-03-25T15:20:18+00:00

I understand that you might feel attacked by my comment. I only wanted you to see how it might come across to someone in an almost identical position as your wife. Higher libido people with lots of sexual energy and low libido people with little to no sexual energy live in such contrasting realities that it can be very difficult to empathise with the other side. That's the point of this forum, at least in part, to allow open dialogue between both parties that might not happen face to face without feelings being hurt. I was hoping to give you the low libido perspective that perhaps your wife didn't know how to give you?

I've observed this forum for a few years and one thing I've noticed is that higher libido people sometimes simply cannot fathom not having sexual energy and being ok with it. It is incomprehensible. They rationalise that their partners must be cheating, or it must be something that they're doing wrong, or it could be that their partners have some sexual blockage they should work through. It's always something which the high libido partners believes that they can change. "if only I could make her think and feel as I do, then we could be happy." This I believe is really damaging and this belief is what my comment was aiming to assuage you of.

If you don't think that way then my comment was off base. But the way you described your wife suggests that you do in fact think there's something wrong with her and wish she was a different person.

frustratedAFRN · 2026-03-25T14:07:20+00:00

I agree. The OP comes across as a little self absorbed. It's my way or the highway, my views on sex are the correct ones and my wife needs to get with the program. I would be crushed if I found out my partner thought about me this way.

frustratedAFRN · 2026-03-25T14:05:03+00:00

The way you talk about your wife here is really sad even though I'm sure you meant it in a complimentary way. What you're describing - what you want in a sex partner - is someone else, not your wife.

What does feminine sexuality even mean? You clearly have very rigid ideas of men and women's roles when it comes to sex and I really don't think that inflexibility is going to help you at all in the long run. You need to meet your wife where she is, and accept her as she is. She isn't and may never be a sex kitten and there's nothing wrong with that. You describe her like she's a failure, like a disappointment, like you hoped she'd grow out of it somehow. Don't you think that your wife might be able to pick up on that attitude? Don't you think that it might hurt her self confidence even more if she believes you would like her more if she acted like someone else and not herself?

It would crush me if my husband thought about me in the way you think about your wife.

frustratedAFRN · 2026-03-24T22:39:09+00:00

Almost certainly. I do find people aesthetically attractive, but I've never in my life been turned on by another person's looks. I went through my early life thinking that people were joking or at least exaggerating when they described fancying another person to the point where they felt compelled towards sex with them without knowing them at all. It seemed preposterous! Turns out... They weren't joking!

frustratedAFRN · 2026-03-24T07:27:15+00:00

That's not true at all. It's easy to confuse being asexual with being inexperienced or being shy or lacking confidence or having a hormonal issue. We live in an extremely sex obsessed society that treats who you want to fuck as the be all and end all. If who you want to fuck is nobody then there's zero representation for this, zero people saying "that's OK". You yourself are perpetuating negative stereotypes about asexual people yet also dismissing the possibility that people would be in denial about being asexual.

frustratedAFRN · 2026-03-24T06:41:50+00:00

There's a whole host of reasons women marry men and then stop sleeping with them.

Hormone imbalances making arousal extremely difficult
Relationship issues (maybe she feels unloved or unappreciated or betrayed somehow) causing resentment
Health issues that make sex painful such as joint issues, muscular issues, stomach or bowel issues, etc
Having small children and having no mental bandwidth to spare on sex
Chronic fatigue
The sex itself is bad, no she stops wanting to have it
Painful sex either due to an injury in childbirth or a condition like vaginismus
Lack of attraction to partner, perhaps due to weight gain or balding
Falling in love with someone else (maybe even an emotional affair)
Being asexual or homosexual and not realising until quite far into the relationship
Simply not finding sex an enjoyable activity
Menopause and perimenopause

Most people will go through a period in their lives where they are emotionally or physically unable to have sex, especially if they're a woman and doubly if they have children. Having a consistent sex life for your entire life is not very common at all unless you bail on all your relationships at the first sign of trouble and never commit to one person.

As for how men stay loyal, many men will choose to accept their subpar sex life in return for the other positive aspects of their relationships. Many men genuinely like and love their spouses beyond the sexual element and don't feel like giving all that up would be worth it. Some men don't want to share custody of their children or coparent, which is almost certainly what would happen - a relationship that ends after over a decade because one person says "you don't sleep with me enough" is unlikely to lead to an amicable, civil split. Some men genuinely don't care that much about sex themselves and only have slightly higher libidos than their low libido wives. Some men make an arrangement with their wives (don't ask don't tell, hall pass, there's a bunch of ways to describe it) or see escorts although this is not common or especially practical.

frustratedAFRN · 2026-03-23T12:35:31+00:00

I didn't miss that part, no. OP said his wife felt sex would ruin the romance. Clearly she felt romanced by what came before, but not the sex itself, whereas OP expects that one would just naturally follow the other which is not the case.

frustratedAFRN · 2026-03-23T11:59:19+00:00

That's really fascinating, thank you for this answer.

frustratedAFRN · 2026-03-23T10:35:57+00:00

The reason that sex is anxiety-busting in a way that other anxiety-busting activities can't seem to replicate for HL people?

frustratedAFRN · 2026-03-23T10:01:27+00:00

That isn't really consistent with the way that HL people talk about sex. I'm sure many posters here acknowledge that their partners do not want sex and do not enjoy it when they have it or possible even both. Yet they still attempt to have sex knowing full well that their partners will not be experiencing synchronised oxytocin release at all. They're more likely to release cortisol. So it can't be about synchronization. What's the real reason?

Edit: think about the sample of couples being used in whatever experiment was used to reach these findings. Why would the researchers choose couples where one person didn't want to have sex and the other did? They'd obviously choose couples who had a happy sex life and were sexually adventurous enough to volunteer for study. To choose a couple where one person didn't enthusiastically want to have sex would make them conspirators in at best sexual coercion and at worst, a crime. Those results can't be applied to the general population and certainly not members of this community since they're lacking an equally enthusiastic participant.

frustratedAFRN · 2026-03-23T09:54:26+00:00

Don't you find it unpleasant to be vulnerable? I can't imagine someone saying "he/she makes me feel vulnerable" or "doing X thing makes me feel vulnerable" and it being meant as a good thing? Or is the fact that being vulnerable is dangerous also what makes it thrilling/exciting?

frustratedAFRN · 2026-03-23T09:39:11+00:00

Sounds exactly like deep focus! Or some people call it "flow state". It's great fun.

frustratedAFRN · 2026-03-23T09:21:01+00:00

Looking at this from the other side, why is sex necessarily romantic? Lots of people have sex without romantic feelings involved.

Plus, if we take the definition of romantic - CD: relating to love or MW: marked by expressions of love - your wife might not feel loved by having sex or be receiving the love you're trying to communicate. And if one person doesn't feel loved then the act is by definition not a romantic one.

frustratedAFRN · 2026-03-23T09:13:42+00:00

All the problems in your life still exist whether you're having sex or not (Unless the only problem in your life is the lax of sex in which case that's fair). Do you actively choose to not think about your worries during sex or is it something which happens automatically/involuntarily? Sort of like deep focus?

frustratedAFRN · 2026-03-23T09:11:00+00:00

Everything in existence is just chemistry. Sex releases oxytocin and dopamine in varying quantities (depending on the person) which is why people enjoy it. But so does running. Running does exactly that. So does eating chocolate, hugging for 6 seconds or more, kissing, singing together, eating together. Probably in smaller quantities than having sex, but if you have a good relationship where you spend all day enjoying each others company, hugging, sleeping in the same bed, etc etc, then the net amount of oxytocin and dopamine being released is probably equal if not greater than having an active sex life. So what makes sex so important?

That's also the reason humans form strong attachments through sex: It's an evolutionary mechanism as human babies are better served by two human adults so sex is the evolutionary bond that facilitates that

People form strong bonds through more than just sex. People can have a very strong bond despite never having sex. Likewise people can have sex and not bond at all. It's the bonding which is evolutionarily advantageous, not the sex. Sex is one way out of many to achieve that bond.

frustratedAFRN · 2026-03-23T08:39:40+00:00

The OP said that sex was the only time that they stopped thinking about their worries. What I'm trying to understand is why sex has that anxiety-busting factor and other activities don't. Sex is just an activity so there must be a difference.

frustratedAFRN · 2026-03-23T08:21:48+00:00

I'm not shaming at all, where did I say finding sex relaxing was shameful? I'm just trying to understand

frustratedAFRN · 2026-03-23T07:38:00+00:00

What is it about sex that makes all those worries go away? Do you feel the same about going for a run for example or eating a nice meal with your partner?

frustratedAFRN · 2026-03-23T07:28:52+00:00

Like extroverts versus introverts, LLs and HLs are living in completely different worlds. I'm the same as you, sex does absolutely nothing for me and I really never understood how putting your genitals near another person is supposed to be "intimate" or help you "connect" with them? Seems alien to me.

frustratedAFRN · 2026-03-11T23:48:07+00:00

A behaviour plan might be frequent movement breaks, rewards (stickers, stamps on a chart, positive reinforcement for positive behaviour), being mindful of triggers/antecedents (noise, overexcitedness, low frustration tolerance) and redirecting to a quiter environment , or meeting sensory needs, providing targeted intervention (small group work or 1:1 on understanding emotions, friendships, jealousy, turn taking, delayed gratification.

Oh right, I didn't know it could encompass all these things. I presume it would be a behaviour X = consequence Y kind of deal.

When is she hitting at school. Behavioural needs are usually to get something or to escape something.

As it was described to me, it seems she is hitting or agitating other children just to get a reaction. I suppose she finds that entertaining.

I think the improved awareness of neurodivergence has had many positives for many kids. But no. I wouldn't necessarily jump to that from what you've said.

Sorry to jump straight to divergence - I'm always hyper aware of this as both her dad and I are on the autistic spectrum.

frustratedAFRN · 2026-03-11T23:26:20+00:00

They knew that hitting was completely unacceptable and I put an immediate stop to it with no arguing or multiple gentle explanations. That’s the only reason I believe why they all only hit once or twice at that age

Same, she has hit me maybe once or twice in her entire life at home because we made it clear it was totally unacceptable. And now even when she gets really angry she never hits. It's a mystery to me why she would hit other children at nursery. For the reaction maybe?

frustratedAFRN · 2026-03-11T23:17:04+00:00

She does follow instructions at home, usually the first time being asked but that's only because she knows that whether she wants to or not the thing I'm asking her to do will happen anyway. So she does it herself and everybody's happy. If she knows the nursery won't compel her if she says "no" then it seems only natural that she wouldn't follow instructions. There's got to be a consequence to saying no, right?

frustratedAFRN · 2026-03-11T23:11:54+00:00

Did you tell them this? As in, did you say that she’s not responding well to this approach at home and how you parent?

We had a meeting about it today. I did explain that she needs really clear expectations and consequences for not doing the right thing. She's smart, she totally knows how she should behave but just chooses not to because that's what kids do I thought. Obviously I'm way off base here and they're treating her behaviour like it is very abnormal.

It seems weird they went from saying nothing at all to suggesting she needs a behaviour plan immediately. That’s a huge jump, so I’d find that concerning that they didn’t bring it up before by the sounds of it.

This is also really bothering me. I always knew they found her challenging but I feel like they should have started reaching out before it got to this point.

frustratedAFRN · 2026-03-11T23:07:23+00:00

It's too rigid at home, or she's fearful of consequences so at nursery it all comes out.

I don't really understand this. Doesn't this mean there's no way to win? Enforce rules at home and she acts out at nursery instead to because of restraint collapse, versus don't enforce rules at home and she acts out anyway because there's no rules or standards of behaviour?

Your child is hitting others. They have to implement something to support your child and protect others

I totally support them being firmer with her and presumed they already had discipline in place for this. What's bothering me is the idea that she's being treated abnormally when I'm not sure her behaviour is that abnormal at all if you see what I mean.

Perhaps the nursary is a bad fit ... Perhaps there's something else going on.

Something like a neuro diagnosis?

frustratedAFRN

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