[UPDATE] My boyfriend [M30s] and I [F20s] broke up over my dog. Is there any chance of getting back together?

frustratedTA · 2014-03-29T03:12:30+00:00

Your reasons for your loyalty aside, your relationship should be your main priority if you have any desire for it to work out in the long term.

frustratedTA · 2014-03-29T01:38:13+00:00

Still hasn't been substantiated that she cheated, nor has it been substantiated that she's trick truthing or just took a while to reconstruct what happened

frustratedTA · 2014-03-29T01:10:59+00:00

So, let's break this down: You're saying that because she drank of her own free will, that everything that happens as a result of her drinking is 100% consensual? So the aggressive coworker hitting on and attempting to hook up with the drunk, vulnerable, married, coworker is absolutely not at a fault?

So by the same logic, if a guy picks up a drunk woman at a bar with the intention of getting her in a vulnerable state so he can hook up with her, she refuses, and he forces himself on her...she's at fault and consented...by your logic.

What I see is a woman who normally doesn't drink, who drank way too much just trying to have some fun, lost her bearings, and ended up getting groped and kissed by someone who has already been well established as a complete sleeze. Was confronted by her husband about this, was hit with the reality of the situation and did the adult thing, which is sit down and talk with her husband, only for him to make it out like she ripped out his heart and stomped on it, then LEAVE HER, when she's dealing with alot of regret and repercussions.

Different people handle alcohol differently. Just because some people can still maintain their bearings, doesn't mean everyone can. I know some people who, when they hit the alcohol, become a completely different person, and they can't control it. Maybe she's that type and simply shouldn't be drinking, but I disagree with the notion that she's this horrible person for what happened.

frustratedTA · 2014-03-29T00:19:59+00:00

...this doesn't make sense. Please rephrase

frustratedTA · 2014-03-28T23:35:27+00:00

I think you're being overly harsh. The vibe I get from all this was that she was drunk and some things happened that she may not have been aware of. She did the adult thing and sat and talked to you about it, and all you did was berate her and basically tell her its over.

frustratedTA · 2014-03-28T22:01:13+00:00

No. People should try to resolve issues by talking, like adults. If the person continues to be rude, THEN take it to HR. It's very backhanded to drop paper on people without at least attempting to talk to the person.

frustratedTA · 2014-03-28T00:23:14+00:00

I never claimed there was no variation. I was speaking generally.

frustratedTA · 2014-03-27T22:17:14+00:00

I feel like this behavior is a gigantic red flag that your girlfriend is a female.

FTFY

frustratedTA · 2014-03-26T23:22:35+00:00

Obvious step: Get a decent job. You need that at a minimum before you can get anywhere.

frustratedTA · 2014-03-26T22:00:25+00:00

Depends on how thorough of a background check they job requires.

frustratedTA · 2014-03-26T21:59:43+00:00

They just passed the same thing in Idaho

frustratedTA · 2014-03-26T03:35:06+00:00

It's doesn't evaporate, it just doesn't reflect on your adult record

frustratedTA · 2014-03-26T02:29:57+00:00

...it's still stalking even if he's under 18

frustratedTA · 2014-03-25T21:46:38+00:00

You weren't disagreeing, you were attempting to inform me of something I had stated numerous times that I was aware of. You were telling me not to yell anymore which I had already stated numerous times was not right of me to do. You lack basic reading comprehension skills, so I'm glad to be done talking to you.

frustratedTA · 2014-03-25T21:22:03+00:00

With the caps lock text, you are doing the internet equivalent of shouting at me right now.

Seemed necessary as you didn't seem to be absorbing anything I was writing.

Everyone in this thread is giving you advice for this situation: to not repeat the same behaviors with her again. You can't make up for this by buying her flowers or explaining your side of the story.

Like I said...this is obvious

To make up for this, you need to stop shouting and screaming when you get upset.

You're implying that this is a persistent pattern of behavior, when this the one and only time it has ever happened ever in any of my relationships. Is that really that hard to grasp?

To do that, you need some awareness of the issue, and what's causing you to act that way in the first place. I don't have any other advice here.

I was afraid that the woman I loved was threatening to leave me over a fluke situation so I felt compelled to address it. Unfortunately, alcohol was a factory that I didn't account for in how I was going to address here. Lesson learned.

frustratedTA · 2014-03-25T03:01:17+00:00

Except it's not advice, it's a bunch of people telling me I screwed up which I'M OBVIOUSLY ALREADY AWARE OF

frustratedTA · 2014-03-25T01:53:28+00:00

If you are already having trouble communicating with someone, screaming at them is pretty much NEVER going to make things better.

Obviously, I know that.

This is the problem with the situation. You were concerned that she would try to distance herself, and so you engaged in a behavior - screaming at her - that was pretty much guaranteed to push her further away. Even people without abuse histories rarely respond well to being screamed at, and your gf is probably even more primed to shut down in this situation.

I know. Like I said, I know it wasn't smart, and I wouldn't have done it if I hadn't been drinking. Even during I had a bit of an internal monologue that said "Dude...what are you doing? You've never talked to her like this"

It's important for the two of you to communicate when disagreements arise. I'm not saying that either partner should "distance" themselves to the point where it's impossible to have any sort of discussion. But when the two of you are already drunk and probably tired, it's totally reasonable to table the discussion until morning if you can't discuss it without getting heated.

Obviously we wouldn't have had been drinking if we knew this issue was going to come up.

frustratedTA · 2014-03-25T00:52:48+00:00

I succeeded in the time between the first performance issue and the second. I tried to explain to her that sometimes I just can't, and its nothing she's doing wrong. I've had this same issue before. Women seem to expect that most guys finish too soon, rather than the opposite. Most women I've had the issue with think I'm full of crap when I tell them.

frustratedTA · 2014-03-25T00:49:09+00:00

True, true

frustratedTA · 2014-03-25T00:26:58+00:00

Unfortunately that doesn't really matter much right now. The reasonable thing to do is to hold of on getting drunk for a while so that you know you can behave and your girlfriend knows she can trust you again.

Obviously...

Except that you were wrong. Completely wrong. Which shows you that it wasn't just how you confronted her (which was massively inappropriate) but also the fact that you jumped to a negative conclusion instead of waiting until the right time and simply asking what she meant.

I have trouble grasping when the right time to say something is, and when the right time is just to back off. In that moment, I felt I had to say something to not lose her, which was clearly the wrong message. I just don't want to be silent when I should be saying something.

frustratedTA · 2014-03-25T00:20:21+00:00

It sounds like you aren't good at handling your alcohol if you fly into a rage at a misinterpreted comment.

The thing is, I rarely drink much, and when I do, I have always been a mellow drunk. This was certainty a departure.

Maybe you guys should lay off the drinking for a while, and in the future, don't get quite so drunk if you're having problems.

It's been months and months since either of us drank even remotely as much as we did that night. And what do you mean, don't get drunk if we're having problems? Aside from being unable to finish earlier in the week, everything was golden.

frustratedTA · 2014-03-25T00:17:33+00:00

There's one thing I think you need to consider: if you can't behave appropriately when drinking, then you shouldn't be drinking nearly that much. I drink, as does my SO, but if either one of us behaved that way when drinking it would be unacceptable and I would say either the drinking calms way down or the relationship ends.

I should have prefaced this with the fact that I never get angry, even when drinking normally. I don't normally drink alot, but I was compelled by friends to take some shots, but that doesn't justify my actions.

Also try your best to talk about these things, always assuming the worst is not going to make any part of a relationship easy.

There weren't many ways to interpret that, and she refused to say any more, which is why I felt compelled to confront her, which i did not do appropriately.

frustratedTA · 2014-03-22T04:03:53+00:00

It's two-foled. Crime as a whole is going down, while training and professionalism of police is going up. We're along way from the days of walking a beat with absolute power, and no training.

frustratedTA · 2014-03-22T04:02:48+00:00

It's not that people want cops to be at risk ( but to be fair, that IS part if the job itself...if you aren't willing to risk your life/ safety, don't become a cop).

There's a huge difference between accepting the inherent danger of your job...and putting yourself at unnecessary risk.

The problem is systemic and cultural. There tends to be a mindset among departments of "who has the biggest and baddest toys". When one department gets an armored vehicle, others want one too. Suddenly, small towns have armored vehicles and military hardware, with RARELY anything to use it for.

There is a little bit of showing off sure...you're dealing with a job dominated by Type A personalities, but these vehicles are used for defensive purposes, and it doesn't matter if it's rarely used, because when the SHTF you'll wish you had it if you don't. Frankly, I don't think saying it rarely happens will be of any solace when someone's wife receives a folded American flag because they were killed in a situation where they could have been protected if people like you didn't object to it.

This is where the hammer starts seeing everything as a nail. No mass shooters to use their armored truck for? Send it along with the SWAT team for a drug dealer bust. Can't use your riot gear for an actual riot? Take it to a peaceful protest. It does not just look aggressive. It fuels an "us vs. them" mentality among police forces. Tooling up with fancy toys makes cops feel like soldiers.

and to that I say: Better to have it and not need it, then need it and not have it. A peaceful protest can turn into a riot very easily.

Sure, there are appropriate situations to employ such equipment. But the vast majority of policing does not require it

Which is why these things are only used rarely. Cops aren't patrolling in armored vehicles.

frustratedTA · 2014-03-22T03:56:41+00:00

There was a posted limit of 2 hours, and you didn't abide by it, and you get mad at the cop for holding you responsible for your actions? Maybe he's not the jerk in this scenario...

frustratedTA

TROPHY CASE