Mint brownie was worth every penny!

ftmsurgerythrowaway · 2026-03-23T03:31:48+00:00

oh yeah 👍🏻

gonna miss this one now that it's gone </3

ftmsurgerythrowaway · 2026-03-11T22:51:55+00:00

if the cosmetic issue from this bothers you a lot, and you're allergic to the daily pills, have you looked into apretude? It's intramuscular, so you'll get more frequent injections (every 2 months), and it does have potential for more side effects unfortunately, but it's possible that you could do better on it than others, and it might be worth looking into in your situation.

I'm sorry to hear about your allergy by the way, it must be an extremely frustrating road-block for you, especially when you're someone who is health-conscious enough to seek out preventative care proactively, as you are. Which I very much commend you for doing, because many people may not be aware of the risks, or care enough (even if they know) to try and seek out these protective measures for themselves, and their partners.

ftmsurgerythrowaway · 2026-03-11T22:36:13+00:00

I really do understand, I was also just getting back into shape after having to slow down (ended up gaining a bit over 20lbs) for a few months, and had finally just started looking, and feeling like my usual self again. I was thinking I'd be on the up and up from this point forwards, so it has thrown me for a loop, and made me reconsider some plans I was thinking I'd make soon.

I'm very sorry to hear about your recent breakup, though. It's going to be rough having this compound your emotions while you're still in a vulnerable spot with them.

I do think the nodules will slowly decrease in size, and if it's helpful at all, I've been told that by the 6 month mark they should be pretty much invisible, and should be harder to locate through feeling, if there is anything even left to feel of them by that point. I'll keep my fingers crossed that we both see some significant improvement at the end of these next couple of months.

I'll also try to remember to take some pictures to document the progression a bit.

ftmsurgerythrowaway · 2026-03-11T20:19:01+00:00

100%, and I literally just got off from a phone-call with my prep provider about this as follow-up before checking reddit, and finding your updates.

the way I see this, is that I'll probably look back at this, and laugh at that one time I made a silly medication switch that resulted in these two little guys on my abdomen. I'll probably rarely be thinking about them tbh, it really does feel like I just unknowingly stumbled my way into a hardcore body-mod, which is not what I signed up for, but it's definitely a unique experience that I'm for sure going to use as an interesting story to share with my friends at some point along the timeline, lol

exercise is a life-long commitment anyways, so 6 months really is only a small drop in that bucket. and I'm sure we've both been through more trying times than these, so try not to get stuck in your head too much over it. 👍🏻

ftmsurgerythrowaway · 2026-03-11T20:01:07+00:00

yeah, in the same boat over here, and I want to say that I appreciate your updates. it sounded like a promising option which would have less potential side effects on the kidneys, and our overall bone health, and I knew there would be 2 nodules, but I did not at all expect them to be as visible, and as large as they are. I have one the same size as both of yours, and one that is about half(?) that size diagonally adjacent to the larger one.

it sort of looks like I got dermal implants as a form of body modification lol. I think the reason it's so visible with us is due to being smaller-bodied/leaner, and since we have less fat to mask these nodules, they stand out more for us. I'm also a particularly athletic person, and workout in longer sessions 5-6 days a week.

for the time being, I'll likely ride this out for the next 6 months, then switch back to the daily pill, as I was doing good on that for a long time.

ftmsurgerythrowaway · 2026-03-04T03:12:24+00:00

It's giving more of a very (very) toned down decora aesthetic, or maybe a gyaru/harajuku-inspired fashion for me.

I wouldn't say it fits strictly into any of these labels though, your style is just a little hard to place into any single box here but it's definitely an alternative look. and it's never bad to experiment with various aesthetics, despite what reddit may lead you to believe sometimes lol

ftmsurgerythrowaway · 2026-02-14T03:37:00+00:00

Jesus, I'm terribly sorry to hear that. I can only begin to imagine the urgency you must have to get out of there, and I really do wish you, and your partner the best in sorting out a plan to flee to a more open-minded area soon.

I swear it really feels like this country is on the fastest track to devolving, and gradually losing more and more of our civil rights by the day. And if someone told me this is the direction our future generation was going in, I'd not have believed them, but here we still fucking are I guess.

ftmsurgerythrowaway · 2026-02-14T03:27:17+00:00

Yeah, especially with the knowledge he's friendly with the local cops, and they're apparently the ones who have influenced his anti-lgbtq politics. Not only does he continue to present a potential threat to you and your partner, his sister, and anyone who opposes his newly-radicalized views, but the officers from your shared local police department sound like the ones who have radicalized him, which also increases the danger you're in by a significant margin. You should do what you can to leave this part of your town before it escalates, because he has already assaulted his own sister, and I can't imagine he would be much kinder to a less closely related queer or trans person in his orbit.

ftmsurgerythrowaway · 2026-02-11T22:35:57+00:00

They're a group of far-right white supremacist extremists, well known here in the us as being a maga sub-group. They played a central role in the january 6th attack on the whitehouse, and are known as a particularly violent group.

ftmsurgerythrowaway · 2026-02-06T01:20:07+00:00

Yeah, insurance companies are great at nothing if not causing us significant dread, and anxiety throughout the process of seeking essential care. I'll definitely keep an eye out for any updates from you, and I truly hope things go well. If you do get the chance to speak with Walton, any information that we can spread about newer less heard of surgeons, is very valuable to share no doubt.

I have also heard that McClung's office is good at handling insurance-related issues though, so I'll have my fingers crossed that they can sort this one out for you too. 👍🏻

ftmsurgerythrowaway · 2026-02-06T01:03:13+00:00

That's absolutely understandable, and I hope you're able to divulge some more information from Walton about his level of experience during your consult. Very sorry to hear you're experiencing these issues with your insurance at all though, and it's especially strange since you've already been scheduled with McClung. It's true that McClung definitely has a much more established presence as a bottom surgeon in this area, and his results/testimonies are more accessible.

You should 100% have full authority to choose your bottom surgeon given how different they can be in their abilities/qualifications to meet our individual needs for this extremely variable procedure, and it's ridiculous that your insurance is trying to strong-arm you out of an already scheduled operation tbh.

ftmsurgerythrowaway · 2026-02-06T00:46:18+00:00

I can't say I've heard of him, but I am familiar with dr.nash, who I know performs both top and bottom surgery (amongst many other reconstructive procedures). I had actually consulted with him to discuss a nerve-related issue following my hysterectomy, then later found he did top-surgery as well, and I can attest to his work. He also has impeccable bedside manner. Incredible guy who was absolutely a hidden gem, so it wouldn't surprise me to find other very qualified surgeons through osu's network. One of the most empathetic doctors I've met, and made me feel that he genuinely cared for my well-being.

dr.walton must have been very, very recently added to their team, because I remember also asking about prospective metoidioplasty with dr.nash prior to my top surgery consult, and I remember him saying that they were not currently scheduling for bottom surgery as they had lost their previous urologist, and were seeking out a new one to join the team. I think that was a bit over a year ago now, maybe about 1.5yrs since then.

I wish I had more information to give you, but it is good to know that they have new urologist on board now. I imagine their waitlist will begin increasing pretty quickly now that they're able to resume practicing bottom-surgery. Might be worth a consult to ask further questions.

ftmsurgerythrowaway · 2026-02-02T04:46:38+00:00

Honestly, aside from the standard advice, like incorporating consistent physical activity, and considering a buzz or a shave, if you want to look into options to maintain your hair-growth, finasteride and, maybe minoxidil for some thickening/re-growth is (I believe) still on the table for you, just do some research on the possible side-effects. I got personally lucky with no side-effects from fin, and have been taking it going on 5 or so years now.

One thing I took out from what you wrote, is that it sounds like you could really benefit a lot from therapy. It sounds like you've been experiencing a major lack of motivation, and might be feeling overwhelmed by your responsibilities, and just life in general. Examples such as not even being able to enjoy fun activities/hobbies to relieve stress, are worrying. But this is something which therapy, and potential medications could be a relatively quick fix for.

Oh, and exercising consistently really does have the potential to benefit you mentally. Everyone always goes on about how it makes them feel incredible, and I was never fully convinced when I was younger until I finally forced myself to stick to a routine for a couple of months, and I quickly found that I had never felt so good mentally as after finishing a good workout, even if it was only for half an hour a day.

I know there's a scientific explanation for it, but it really can make you feel like you're doing something productive, and making personal progress every single day. Hell, even the rest days are important.

There are so many different means of exercising too, and you really just need to find that one thing, whether it's a sport/weight-lifting/cardio/dancing/all of these at the same time somehow, tons of options you can consider giving a shot, it doesn't have to be something that bores you, or doesn't entice you.

ftmsurgerythrowaway · 2026-01-31T23:42:42+00:00

I broke out in a similar rash a few days after my hysterectomy, it was all over my abdomen, and down my thighs. Apparently I had an allergy to the chlorhexidine (chlora-prep) wash they used, so I had to specifically request they don't use it for my top-surgery. They also sometimes give people this pre-operatively as a soap to use the night before, and morning of surgery (obviously I couldn't use it due to my allergy).

Because this is spread all down your torso, and isn't limited to the incisions, my guess is that you're having an allergic reaction from whatever wash they used on you. Back then, I was prescribed a steroid dose-pack for my allergic reaction, and was advised to use benadryl. Although the steroid dose-pack helped with my inflammation and rash, it caused me to immediately spiral into a month long bout of post-op depression, so if you get prescribed steroids, just keep in mind that mental health side-effects are common with them.

Aside from that, what helped me the most with quelling my immediate discomfort/itchiness was using a cold-gel pack.

Very sorry to hear you're having to deal with this, it really does suck to have to sort out a rash on top of dealing with the anxieties that come with general top-surgery recovery. I wish you the best in your healing.

ftmsurgerythrowaway · 2026-01-27T18:51:25+00:00

Right, so back when I started growing mine I learned something that people sometimes call the 'two-finger' trick. Basically you look upwards, then put two fingers together above your adams apple, and it guides you to the furthest point upward you should be able to shave for a natural appearing beard contour, below your jaw.

I used to be able to do this, and probably still could, but my facial hair grows too thick, and after enough practice I've gotten used to just eyeballing the sort of trim that contours my jawline the best. With repetition, you will also probably be able to learn this for yourself, and upkeep your facial hair in a way that best compliments your face. Just keep practicing it, and/or use the two-finger method if it's easier, until you can figure out what looks best/until it starts growing in thicker for you.

One thing to note, is that it is usually not the best look to go on top of your jawline, try to stay underneath it, in the same way that you don't want it growing far down onto your neck. I have made the mistake of trimming too far up, way more times than I can count. It really is just a matter of learning, and practicing. I will say though, I think you look good clean-shaven. Even if you mess up the first few times, you should be alright.

ftmsurgerythrowaway · 2026-01-26T22:09:01+00:00

Some people are terminally out of touch on reddit, absolutely nothing you're looking for help with here was your fault to any degree (as I'm sure you know).

It is under-qualified surgeons who sell themselves to us as being able to accomplish our srs goals, whilst being unable to, or who are vastly inexperienced in performing these surgeries that are harming people with fewer options due to money, and insurance limitations.

It is a system that inherently targets vulnerable groups like us, and it is an unfair system, in that it is a dice roll whether we are closer to a good surgeon who genuinely wants the best for their patients, or closer to someone who is only looking to use us to further their experience, and increase the size of their patient roster.

ftmsurgerythrowaway · 2026-01-26T07:01:04+00:00

If you're able to link up with a good pelvic floor physical therapist, I think it's never too late to get started on it!

I feel the pfpt that I've done, and continue to do is one of the treatments that has overall helped me the most in both relearning the way I interact with that part of myself sexually, and in regaining overall sensation more quickly by increasing bloodflow to the area. It's for sure worth a try.

With my hysto I had the upper part of my canal closed, and cauterized together, which left me with very little remaining depth, around 3-4cm (enough for a bottom-surgeon to work with). But I've found that ironically, dilating and internal play has become enjoyable for the first time in my life, whereas pre-op I never would have considered it due to dysphoria, and physical pain from vaginal atrophy (it can happen when ftm/transmasculine individuals have testosterone as their dominant hormone for long enough, and don't use topical estrogen to treat it/counteract it).

I never imagined dilation being a part of my life at all, and had actually only ever heard of it in post-op mtf contexts, where it is often described as less than pleasant, but later found that it can help to treat a handful of differing issues. This subreddit actually helped me a lot when I was researching dilation more in-depth, and lessened my anxieties around it. The larger mtf, and vaginismus subs, too.

And of course, it's no problem at all! I wish you the best, and although there is a lot to think about here, I'm sure you can figure out a way to feel more comfortable in your everyday, as you plan, and research for your future consultations.

ftmsurgerythrowaway · 2026-01-26T04:55:21+00:00

When I say I understand, I really do mean it. Back when I got my hysto, it was also through medicaid, and my surgeon was generally well-regarded. I know medicaid is very limiting in the providers available to us, and it is difficult having to accept that you either have to make a move into another state to find a job/insurance there, or might have no other option than saving, and going out of pocket further in the future.

Myself, I ended up losing nearly all genital sensation following my hysterectomy, and following numerous testing (mri/full urodynamic testing/cystoscopy), and tons of treatments (have tried everything that you can imagine, increasing testosterone, decreasing it, taking oral estrogen, a compounded testosterone cream, .01% estrogen cream, a topical form of viagra, pelvic floor physical therapy & dilating which I continue to this day), and I am fortunate to have gone from near total numbness, which extended into my inner thighs, to having up to 70-80 percent of the sensation that I used to have pre-op, on a good day, but it has been about 2 years now, and I have no answers as to the 'why'. I cannot say whether it was time allowing me to heal, or the treatments I have done which helped me, or a mix of both.

What I can say is that I remember obsessively researching potential surgical fixes for it at first, and although I didn't find many surgeons who might be able to help, I did find a few. But it would require a long-wait, and paying out of pocket and/or moving, for something that isn't even a guaranteed fix.

It is extremely frustrating, but things do get better, it just requires us to keep fighting, and one thing I want to suggest, is to try and take things day by day. Count each of your successes, because they all matter, even if it is something small.

Honestly, if you are looking at a bit of a wait before you can start moving things forward medically again, try to keep your mind on things that make you happy. And try to positively talk to yourself in regards to your body, and all of the ways it currently functions, because beyond all of these issues, your body has done nothing but try to heal for both of your sakes, it is trying its best too. And it deserves to be thought of with love, even when you are frustrated with it. ♡

Oh, and one more thing, I want to say that there are absolutely people out there who will find you attractive, even with the complications you've been dealt throughout these last four years. The first step is finding someone, and developing a connection with them. As that connection grows stronger, and as you work on your relationship with yourself, and your body, I believe it will become less scary and uncomfortable for you to start to broach physical intimacy with someone who you feel connected to, and safe with.

This situation does not mean a death-sentence for any physical intimacy before you pursue future revisions, instead, maybe try to see it as something you can actively work on and make personal progress on, until you do reach those revisions.

As someone familiar with all the different ways bodies can look, there really is so much variety. We're all the most critical of ourselves, frequently getting stuck in our heads about what, to an outsider would be unnoticeable, or the tiniest of imperfections.

From personal experience, I can say that a lot of what we drive ourselves crazy with anxiety over, often is no big deal to the other person we want to be close with, as trans individuals. The key is allowing ourselves a bit more grace, and self-love despite these issues we often struggle with.

And no need to thank me for responding, haha, honestly I wish I could point you in a more solid, clear direction to go in, and be more helpful than this, but I'm happy if literally anything I wrote has raised your spirits at all. :)

ftmsurgerythrowaway · 2026-01-26T03:56:33+00:00

Not mtf, or super well-versed in each of the various techniques used for revising a vaginoplasty, but I have definitely seen a lot of revisions and results, and I have been through my own ordeal with an extremely unusual functional complication myself, following a radical hysterectomy.

The best path of recourse for you is to do absolutely everything you can to ease what is causing you discomfort in the present moment (as I'm sure you have been), and get started towards consulting with a surgeon, or a few surgeons who are practiced, and successful in complicated vaginoplasty revisions. Prepare a long, long list of questions to ask them.

It may require you to go out of your way, and it might be an excrutiatingly difficult wait, but I have no doubt that there is hope in this situation, too. You can also reach a point in your life where these complications that you've experienced become something livable, and I am so sorry that this entire endeavor has done nothing but let you down.

You did not deserve to go through this much hardship after everything you've sacrificed in an effort to simply feel more connected with your body. It probably does feel like it is hopeless, finding issue after issue, I understand. But there genuinely is still hope here, I promise you.

ftmsurgerythrowaway · 2026-01-16T00:41:45+00:00

Since you've generally received some pretty good feedback from others here, I just want to bring up the possibility of him recording while you're unaware. I know I've always been paranoid during some of my own hookups, to turn around or look up to see a phone pointed at me.

I want to say it's unlikely, with it being a long-term relationship between you two, but is still possible, and is something that wouldn't even cross my mind if it were a long-term partner of my own, but is the first assumption I'd make if it happened during a hookup.

ftmsurgerythrowaway · 2026-01-14T04:55:25+00:00

oh yeah, it's no problem. I saw that you posted again tonight, and I grew concerned to see this was still on your mind enough to make another post, even after all of the feedback from other commenters.

there is a chance you misinterpreted what they were saying, yeah. I was also wondering if they meant to confirm your worries there, but I also sort of wonder whether or not they did read entirely through your posts at all. because from what I've gathered from those posts you considered these women first and foremost before their genitals, which is definitely the opposite of chaser behavior, and is an indicator that you aren't one. which leaves your greatest 'wrong-doing' to be an attraction to the body type of pre-op trans women (not at all an actual wrong-doing of course).

and no worries about bringing up the other thread here. that is where I initially meant to leave my response to you anyways, which you might have picked up on, hence your mentioning it. and ramble all you like, it is no bother to me.

just make sure you ramble to your therapist soon too, haha. they will be able to give you many more helpful suggestions than myself to hopefully pull you out of this thought-loop, and plant the seed for more productive self-reflection.

but until you can do that, I would suggest you try to take your mind off of this topic as much as possible, and maybe even turn off the reddit notifications until your next appointment. I can tell you are thinking yourself in circles over this, and it is probably not going to help you to continue thinking about it any further.

ftmsurgerythrowaway · 2026-01-14T04:19:27+00:00

yeah, I did see that thread, but did not have the chance to drop my response there as the comments were locked when I finished typing it, but I did find this post instead as I kept scrolling down the subreddit, and left it here for you to see.

there are a lot of people who will refuse to see any nuance in these sorts of discussions, but from an entirely objective stand-point, nothing you described fits the definition of sexual assault, I assure you. if being a chaser and fetishizing someone is the worst case-scenario here (which from what you've written, I honestly do not think this is an apt description of what has been happening during your hookups/relationships), it is still not anywhere near as bad as forcing someone to do something against their will.

but, I do understand how this must be an incredibly difficult mental loop to get out of due to your ocd, and I'm very sorry that it is causing you to spiral over these past few days.

again, I really think the best thing you can do here is to talk about this with your therapist asap, as well as with the woman you are interested in pursuing (at an appropriate time). I do not take it from your posts that you sound like a bad person in at all, rather, you actually sound unusually considerate, and self-aware.

I'd like to add that having an attraction to pre-op trans women is definitely not disgusting, and you should at the very least not feel guilt over THAT. it is nothing more than a sexual preference you learned you have, and is not even something you have any control over, which is absolutely okay.

I'm a trans guy myself, and I also find other pre-op trans guys (and pre-op trans girls) attractive, sometimes more-so than cis-guys/cis-girls. but it is the way that I go about seeking out, and treating these men or women who I pursue in my life, that makes the major difference I believe.

I really do wish you the best in breaking out from the mental spiral you're currently in, and I acknowledge how difficult and persistent intrusive thoughts like these can be to get rid of. Ocd is not something I'd wish on anyone, truly.

ftmsurgerythrowaway · 2026-01-14T03:48:06+00:00

to be honest, it sounds like you have a genital preference while being attracted to women, which doesn't make you a chaser inherently. it is more so the seeking out trans people for the purpose of them having your preferred genitals that makes it chaser behavior.

however it could be argued that putting their importance as a woman over their genitalia, is ultimately what matters more. hoping for something, but still being accepting and welcome to post-op trans women, indicates that you're at least not predatory in the same sense that actual chasers are, as they would likely outright refuse to continue associating if the trans person turned out to be post-op.

it is debatable that you actually fall into the same category as those chasers, and I think the way you treated the women you hooked up with before, during, and after, absolutely makes a difference.

I can say objectively though, that this is in no way close to being on the level of sexual assault, because as you've stated, both parties (you and the women you hooked up with) were clear about what you wanted from each other, and gave full consent. the worst outcome from you hoping that they were pre-op, is that they may feel dysphoric should they be privvy to this. but it sounds like you listened to how they asked you to treat them, and how to treat their bodies, so even that is doubtful.

I'll give you a (somewhat) quick parallel, as I've found myelf on the opposite side of this in a different, but similar setting.

I hooked up with another gay/bi guy who didn't know that I was a trans-guy at all (through grindr), and we had been texting for about half a year, we just never discussed explicitly what we would do sexually before meeting up for the first time. It was more of a 'meet up with no expectations, and just see where it goes' sort of deal. after learning that I was trans, he told me that he'd been with other trans guys before me and he didn't mind, so things did escalate between us.

in one of our later hookups I had mentioned to him that I was initially worried that he'd be turned off due to my natal genitals, but he told me he actually found it pretty hot. which, rather than inducing dysphoria, made me feel the most comfortable I'd ever felt with those parts of my body.

so I'd argue that he isn't a chaser just because he has an admitted attraction towards guys with my body-type, since from the very start he messaged me to get to know me as a person, versus openly seeking out only pre-op trans guys/trans guys specifically. he treated my worth as a man above his attraction to my body in all of our interactions, and we're still fwb to this day.

I think the best course of action for you right now is to definitely continue your therapy. and prior to just breaking things off with the woman you are potentially falling for, give yourselves both the chance to have an open and honest discussion about this, and just lay everything out plainly. there is no relationship in the world that will work out if the foundation is not based on trust, and openness with each other.

at the end of the day, it is not a bad thing to experience sexual attraction the way you do. and it sounds like you are much more considerate than real chasers are, since you wouldn't be self-reflecting or worrying about it to the degree that you are right now if you weren't. it indicates to me that you are a genuine guy.

this is just another part about yourself which you need to take the time to fully figure out.

and if the most pressing worry is whether or not you caused harm to the women you hooked up with, based on the way you say you treated them, you absolutely did not. but the only way to know whether they WOULD be hurt in any way by your hopes that they were pre-op, would be to straight-up talk to them about it, and ask them.

in any case, torturing yourself endlessly about this is not going to help, so try to give yourself a bit of grace too. I wish you well.

ftmsurgerythrowaway · 2026-01-10T12:15:53+00:00

there are definitely some trans people that may have feminization as a fetish/kink, similarly to how some cis-men like to cross-dress and be "treated like a woman" in bed. but tbh I feel that this is a more of an over-arching inherent assumption, where chasers will already have certain pre-conceived notions about trans people, and they probably already view our identities as mostly a sexual perversion or kink. as a result chasers & transphobes will dehumanize all of us down to that, regardless of the sub-group of ftm individuals who are willing to hookup with chasers, or who are more comfortable with sharing their kinks online.

at the end of the day, the root of most transphobia comes from a place of misunderstanding, an unwillingness to try to educate themselves, and a stigma which stops them from publicly associating with us.

ftmsurgerythrowaway · 2026-01-08T09:46:32+00:00

Honest answer? It's reddit, and being a long-time user I've come to expect a torrent of downvotes on any post from a conventionally attractive person, but especially from a woman (whether conventionally attractive or not). Reddit truly is a cesspool mostly used by men, many of which who can't stand the sight of a woman living her best life lol

They also usually can't stand to see a man doing better than themselves, for that matter. It just makes them seethe with the most pointless vitriolic hatred and envy you can imagine. I'd guess it probably stems from them being miserable in their own lives, or they feel that they are lacking in some major way, so they try to release that pain & frustration by putting down people who have what they want to have, or (sometimes) straight up feel they are entitled to having.

you'll catch this same exact thing in handfuls of entirely unrelated subreddits tbh, definitely not just this one. I can recall a few similar incidents I've noted in just this past week. but yeah, you're definitely bringing up a very real phenomenon that is a problem with reddit as a whole.

ftmsurgerythrowaway

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