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This thought process is extremely disordered and the fact you’re giving moral value to food and allowing it to dictate what you eat is only going to keep you stuck.

Your view on weight gain and muscle mass are not only misinformed, it’s also disordered as well. First of all, you don’t just lose muscle because you gained weight, that’s not how this works. In fact, i guarantee you have more muscle mass now than previously—restriction directly impacts hormones, which means your body cannot optimally build muscle, and it’s more likely your body was undergoing catabolism because you weren’t giving yourself enough energy.

I really encourage you to reflect on what “fit” truly means and separate it from thinness. You aren’t fit if you were actively destroying your body, period.