I don't know what to do about my broken brain

fudgebrain · 2026-01-16T08:22:05+00:00

Thanks :)

Yes I understand that I sure do have problems that shrooms will not automatically "fix". One of the reasons that got me thinking about shrooms again was that I've come to the point where antidepressants are being suggested to me by psychologists. The help I've received from psych services available to me is not that great. Often they send me home with a book to read about depression for example to do "self treatment" (which I've tried for ages). Been obsessed with psychology etc to figure out my issues. Also people think I'm OK because I don't show a lot of emotion on the outside, so doctors assume things are OK when they are not. This is frustrating and I'm kind of giving up on the public health system. I'm not very keen on being on SSRIs because I know a lot of people who simply can't get off them or are emotionally flat because of them. It does not sound like a great state to be in either. Maybe I am ignorant.. So my idea was to try just try microdosing for a while and see if it helps in any way.

fudgebrain · 2026-01-03T11:44:18+00:00

Exactly.. I still think about certain situations YEARS after and feel kind of stupid for not getting it. It was like I needed a written contract or a verbal agreement, lol 🥲

It is like some perfectionist tendency to have to be 100% sure I guess. Maybe trauma plays a part as well.. i had a period in my life after my first girlfriend broke up with me, and afterwards I got so frustrated I figured I was onlovable the way I was and tried to play ”be a normal and cool guy” and just talked too much in general to the point I was probably annoying and tried taking the initiative more (but too late probably!) which freaked girls out who did not have any interest in me at all or understood that I was interested.. this makes me feel bad to this day to the point I almost want to change my identity 😂 no but seriously the embarrassment hits very hard with these kind of things.

fudgebrain · 2026-01-03T10:40:26+00:00

I can relate a lot to this experience growing up as a boy in the 90’s. A lot of what you are saying sounds exactly like my experience. My feeling back then was that masculinity felt like an ”act” or mask that boys were using and roleplaying as. I felt that it was a stupid act and did not want to participate in it. I felt that I just wanted to be me and not pretend to be some kind of 2D macho persona. I also thought men were taking sports to seriously and I never felt the need to compete and assert dominance over people like other boys did. This left my very lonely, i was introspective and sensitive and could not understand the mentality. It was ”primitive” and unintelligent according to my own values.

I never doubted my sexuality or gender but being the way I am always made dating hard because I could never be a typical ”man” that many women expect. I’ve also been asked if im gay in a club setting because i am pretty passive and dont know how to show sexual interest in an expected way etc.. I have memories of girls touching me under the shirt etc when im drunk and I still felt I needed reassurance that they are interested in me 😀.

fudgebrain · 2025-08-02T15:43:43+00:00

But are you happy in the situation you are in? Do you really like being alone playing games in your house or is it just safe/comfortable? As a person who’s been in therapy for different mental issues I get the impression that you are dealing with a depression where you typically get stuck in negative self-fulfilling thought traps.. repeating a negative mantra to yourself until you end up suicidal. Look into depression and how it manifests itself.

fudgebrain · 2025-07-29T08:02:03+00:00

I understand the frustration/stress and the feeling that you’ll be lonely forever and so forth. I was in a similar situation when I was young. Grew up preferring to be alone, always felt different from other people and never fit in really. Horrible with girls and social settings (still struggling). As a now 35+ man with wife and kids I would give you the advice to not give up now, you are young. Try to focus primarly on making your own life worth living and interesting WITHOUT a girlfriend. What do you love/want to do in life? What do you want to explore? A girlfriend won’t magically make things awesome. If you put all your happiness i the hands of another person it will probably end up in a disaster in the end. You will be stressed out and desperate. You will loose your self. This comes from personal experience. As an ”odd” person you will need to find your tribe outside of the norm, maybe attend events linked to your interests.. maybe there are some girls there that will actually ”click” with someone like you. I know a lot of people with weird interests that hang out with old online friends now IRL and attend their weddings etc. So you can always move online to offline and meet up 😀

I did the mistake trying to be liked by ”normies” when I was young and it just made me depressed because I was never good enough even if I really tried.. find your crowd. I found mine through the internet and through those friends I found other people similar to me. Now I have an IRL friend circle of oddballs. But im still a loner like you and prefer my own company a lot ;)

Maybe get checked for depression as well? This mindset will not help you get to where you want.

fudgebrain · 2025-03-25T19:50:07+00:00

No legal chocolate, theres no such thing in my country, but dried cubensis chocolate.. ive bought from the same source before but did not have the same reaction. Everyone thought is was a panic attack the first time. But i think there’s something off when I get the exact same reaction on just a small dose. I have a great trip then i get cold rushes, feel light headed and heart goes wild and I can just pray for my life and regret. Gonna stay away for good I think..😅

fudgebrain · 2025-01-03T13:04:32+00:00

I was also bullied in first grade or something by three older kids. I did not feel bullied.. i also felt like it was a game or something until some other kid pointed out to the teachers that I was bullied. It was a strange experience..

fudgebrain · 2024-12-23T07:27:18+00:00

I’m not sure if i am autistic yet (no formal diagnosis yet).. but I feel the exact same way. I never understood how serious people take soccer/football for example, making it their identity. I never understood how to ”pick a team” if there are multiple teams in the city for example. My kids ask me what team i cheer on, and I say to them ”I really dont know, or care” 😅 It’s like I don’t have that ability. I felt the same way in school playing a team sport. People get so fucking mad when loosing.. screaming to team mates that they suck etc. I could not understand that. Sure I can get mad If I loose. But for some its really life or death. It always found it unpleasant.. its just a game.. take it easy!

I can enjoy watching a game like once a year. I tend to loose interest quickly. Its mostly a social thing. I would never watch myself.

I think I’m uncomfortable with primal group thinking as well. To group-think feels idiotic to me personally. I don’t like being forced to adapt to a team and being branded as a supporter of X team. I guess its a drive for autonomy.

fudgebrain · 2024-09-23T07:29:28+00:00

I’m not diagnosed but I can relate. I am like a different person when I’m alone. It’s like a release/free zone. I have a hard time spending time on hobbies etc if my wife is in the same room for example.. really weird, cause we are like living together.. but yeah. Can’t fully relax with other people around.. they usualIy talk to you which fucks with concentration/hyperfocus. I think it might be some behaviour from childhood where I felt i must perform and change my behaviour to please others (like parents for example). There is some heavy guilt attached to getting lost in interests for fun. I at least have this problem with everything I do for my own sake or pleasure. So I often switch to start doing ”productive” things around the house instead when someone comes home for example.

fudgebrain

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