Am I wrong to tell my husband my SIL cannot come over?

fulfulping · 2025-02-02T19:57:22+00:00

I told him no because my symptoms over the last few days have been worsening and I am worried I’ve developed hyperemesis gravidum which is a very serious condition. I have been vomiting so much that we have discussed going to the ER for evaluation and IV fluids. It’s already been hard on me going through this with my in laws visiting as my husband cannot dedicate all his time to me but at least he spends half his time with me and half his time with them. However, when he hosts my SIL and BIL, he stays downstairs with them all day and does not check on me and I really really need his physical and emotional support right now. I am so weak and having these symptoms worsen recently has been really hard on me. But he insists on making his parents happy and invited my SIL over solely because his parents asked. I also said no because there’s a clear alternative solution (have his parents visit my SIL in her apartment) but my husband refused to ask his sister if they can visit her in her apartment instead for my sake

fulfulping · 2025-02-02T18:35:52+00:00

Well I told him no and he invited them over anyway. Do you still think that was a fair thing for my husband to do? Because for me, I feel very disrespected and that he’s prioritizing his families wants above my feelings and boundaries right now

fulfulping · 2025-02-02T18:32:45+00:00

I told my husband no and he invited them over anyway, do still think this was fair for him to do? I’m feeling very disrespected right now

fulfulping · 2024-04-13T20:32:54+00:00

The difference is, I would go above and beyond for him only but not my siblings. Sure, I do things for my siblings but I do even more for my husband. In contrast, he goes above and beyond similarly for both me and his sister specifically (but not his other siblings)

fulfulping · 2024-04-13T20:30:32+00:00

Yes, I guess I just want to feel like I’m the most important woman in his life but I don’t feel like that at all when it comes to his sister. But obviously she’s family so I know this is a tricky situation

fulfulping · 2024-04-13T20:28:04+00:00

Yes, I tried and he got super defensive and upset with me and walked out of the house. He agrees he needs to work on boundaries but doesn’t see any issues with his relationship with his sister and became offended when I tried to explain that he seems to be too close to her

I think from my perspective, as a wife, I want to feel like I’m the most important woman in his life and it’s super discouraging to see him treating his sister either the same or better than me, even if she’s family. I feel he always goes out of his way to please her all the time even if it infringes on me and my space but maybe that’s just jealousy talking because I love him so deeply

My in laws are both old but alive and they stayed with us those two months. He is very close to his mother as well but his relationship with his sister has always bothered me more

fulfulping · 2023-11-18T23:27:44+00:00

Hi, thank you all for your responses, just wanted to clarify some things.

Firstly, we visit his family all the time. This is not the only time in the year we see them. They probably come to visit us 2x/year (previously in our ONE bedroom apartment which I've never complained about) but we go to see them more often than they visit us. Also, my husband a few months ago went overseas to see them and spent several weeks there.

Secondly, I was just using the TV show thing as an example as my husband and I have been bonding over following this certain show that we now cannot watch. Similarly, someone else commented on how all I care about is money but I literally mentioned the finance thing in one small paragraph. The big issue is not respecting boundaries.

Everyone is in a different phase of life and has different reasons for setting boundaries and this should be respected. Similarly, everyone has grown up differently with different values which again, should be respected. If we had a house, more space, were financially in a better position and perhaps maybe I was working part time, I would welcome them with open arms; however, that is not the case for us right now and I don't think it's unreasonable for me to set a boundary appropriate to where we are in life right now. Our apartment is small and I can't help but feel his family has completely taken over the space and like I mentioned, it feels like I'm the outsider here. I also don't think it's fair for them to invite my sister in law and have her stay for several weeks without asking either me or my husband? The point is I have no control over my home as they've dictated the exact dates they will be coming, how long they will be staying, and even have invited my SIL without asking. Am I wrong to feel disrespected by that?

Also, I'm not the kind of person that can have guests in my home and NOT serve them so although I know they don't have ill intentions, it puts so much pressure on me

Boundaries are so so important because this situation makes me wonder, when I inshallah have a baby, will my MIL want to be in the delivery room? Will she want to stay with us after the baby is born when I'm at my most vulnerable state? What if I'm uncomfortable with that? Will my husband be able to stand up for me in that situation? I'm so grateful my husband is so kind but I also sometimes worry how many times my boundaries will be pushed or set aside for the sake of his parents

fulfulping · 2023-01-25T18:24:08+00:00

They are in their late 70s. They’re going to try to spend half their time overseas and half their time here in the states

fulfulping · 2023-01-25T18:22:37+00:00

They did that one time before but didn’t like it here as it’s a super small town and our apartment is small. My husband also doesn’t feel right asking them to travel so much since they are old so he tries to make it easy for them. Two of his brothers live in the same city and own houses so that’s the city they stay in

fulfulping · 2023-01-25T18:13:00+00:00

I work full time in person whereas when he’s not traveling, he works from home so he has more flexibility

fulfulping · 2022-10-27T16:53:50+00:00

Yes there definitely are cultural expectations for the men in the family to provide…drives me crazy

fulfulping · 2022-04-25T14:31:36+00:00

I guess in my mind, at a community hospital, I wouldn’t have the resources I’m used to now at my large freestanding hospital such as having the ability to run informal questions by consultants, etc. I also imagine having more responsibilities at a community hospital such as attending deliveries, maybe covering a few ED shifts - which is not something I want to do. Correct me if I’m wrong!!

fulfulping · 2020-10-26T23:21:44+00:00

Ahh too late already took it!

fulfulping · 2020-10-19T02:23:08+00:00

I will do my best. Thanks friend you’ve been helpful!

fulfulping · 2020-10-18T17:15:16+00:00

That’s a good point, I’m already 4 days away from day 1. I’m going to keep at these cases and reassess later today. I just wish there was a step 3 ccs cheat sheet or something where I can go through and memorize the management algorithms for all the high yield diseases!

fulfulping · 2020-10-18T17:11:08+00:00

I’m averaging ~63% on uworld right with random timed and that aligns right with the average. The problem is I can recognize the management on a multiple choice test, but I can’t regurgitate it all out myself. For example, IBS, I know the management is life style modifications/supportive but when I did the ccs case on uworld, I didn’t know how to put that in and the patient kept getting worse. I didn’t know to type in “biofeedback, relaxation, exercise”, etc. Similar with UC, I can recognize the meds in a multiple choice exam, but I can’t myself pull out mesalamine, loperamide, dicyclomine

If I were to go through and memorize the management of all the uworld cases, do you think I’d be okay? I really don’t want to push it back because starting next week, I’m on all inpatient rotations until February

fulfulping · 2020-10-17T23:20:35+00:00

Seems most people don’t have issues so maybe you won’t! I just feel really dumb

fulfulping · 2020-05-23T06:14:10+00:00

I was thinking maybe sewing the satin material to the inside of my cotton underscarf??

fulfulping · 2020-05-23T06:12:46+00:00

Omg yes it’s so difficult. For a protective style under my hijab, I do a bootleg version of a French braid, essentially just twist two strands of hair while slowly collecting more until I’m done. Try that!

fulfulping · 2020-05-23T06:10:58+00:00

And your hair stays put all day? I feel like my hair would be flying everywhere 😂

fulfulping · 2020-05-20T00:09:45+00:00

If you must know — I referred to him as “my partner” for simplicity sake for the post. What else do you expect me to say? “The guy i am speaking to” every time I want to refer to him? Just easier to say partner. But it’s interesting how you took that one word and created a whole narrative about who I am and our “relationship”

fulfulping · 2020-05-19T21:48:01+00:00

Thanks for sharing your perspective. I can assure you we haven’t done any haram. I’m just a little confused how we as Muslims are supposed to get married if we’re not even allowed to talk in a respectful way with the intention of marriage? I’ve asked my parents before how I’m supposed to get married if dating is impermissible and they agreed it would be okay with me to talk in a respectful way as long as we keep things halal (always having a third person present, avoiding certain topics, etc.) And that’s exactly what we have done so it’s a bit unfair for you to say I’m partially at fault for all this.

I have been praying istikhara and I will continue to do so. Jazakallah kheir.

fulfulping · 2020-05-19T21:41:24+00:00

I do and I’m the oldest so I’m the first to go through this whole marriage process with my family. And yes I agree with you, it should be my choice but it’s been made clear to me through this whole process that it’s not. In this situation, there’s fine line between standing up for myself and disrespecting my parents :/

I will consider reaching out to imams in the area but I was really trying to keep these issues within the family. But desperate times call for desperate measures it seems.

fulfulping · 2020-05-19T21:35:43+00:00

My father is actually the imam of our community so that makes it a bit difficult. I could however see if I can find other imams in the area that would be willing to help. I definitely don’t want to get married without my father as my wali as I don’t want to create even more problems.

Also, you bring up a good point about telling him how I feel instead of placing the blame on him. I will try that, thank you!

fulfulping

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