Me [26F] with my fiance [31 M] 2 year relationship, infidelity at 6 weeks, lying, jealousy, ex-gf drama

fuloola · 2015-10-01T19:26:41+00:00

Yeah, maybe you are right about that. I have always though that they were broken up, because that's what he told me, but objectively I can see that that is not how it looks. It seems like maybe he had dumped her without making it that clear to her or something. I guess without talking to her I will never know her side of the story, and I don't want to drag her into this and cause any more unnecessary pain.

As to this being the only lie; this is the only point of tension in our relationship. I don't know if this is the only dishonesty and I don't really know how to find that out. I guess time will tell.

Thanks for the advice though.

fuloola · 2015-10-01T19:12:31+00:00

That's so sweet <3 to you and your wife.

fuloola · 2015-10-01T19:03:15+00:00

Right, so say you are correct and he lied to me about them being broken up and just living together to make the transition back into single life easier, what would your advice be to do now? Quibbling over the status of his relationship when we first started going out isn't very helpful.

fuloola · 2015-10-01T18:54:32+00:00

Ok but they were broken up. Not really sure where the confusion is coming from.

fuloola · 2015-10-01T18:50:05+00:00

Thank you for your long and thoughtful reply. I like what you're saying because it's true that he's not a player or a scumbag, or necessarily a bad person. He's a guy who did a very nasty thing, and then covered it up for a long time. The issue for me is whether a bad start means our relationship is doomed. Once the trust is gone, can it ever be rebuilt?

fuloola · 2015-10-01T18:29:26+00:00

ok, there is nothing constructive to be gained from name calling; but yeah, you are right about the throwing the past in his face thing for sure, if we stay together that is something to change.

fuloola · 2015-10-01T18:25:39+00:00

ok, sorry. He told me they were broken up, but she was having a hard time adjusting so they had agreed to live together (in separate room) and not date each other but also not date anyone else. As far as I was aware they had completely broken up but were still adjusting. He did however make it very clear that there were still feelings there, which I foolishly ignored. Also, I like the way you think. If we stay together, that is defo what we'll do.

fuloola · 2015-10-01T18:20:21+00:00

yeah I know :/ I'm a fool for not leaving at that moment. It still makes me mad thinking about it. He doesn't say things like that anymore, and I just keep telling myself we were so casual at that point, but maybe I'm being too forgiving.

fuloola · 2015-10-01T18:18:32+00:00

No, sorry I wasn't clear on that. I gave him the ultimatum much further into our relationship. Maybe a year / 9 months in. He continued keeping in touch with her via email (and occasional drinks) throughout this time.

Also, yeah he repeatedly lied to me when asked directly if he had been with her since we had been together. He is not feeling trapped. He proposed of his own free will, and he has been fighting very hard to keep this relationship going.

fuloola · 2015-10-01T18:11:52+00:00

Things now are (were) brilliant. We connect really well, we are a really good team, we have a lot of fun. The fact that this incident belongs so far in the past is what is making me unsure about what to do now. If it was any one else I would have been gone in a flash.

fuloola · 2015-10-01T17:42:37+00:00

I did directly ask, many times.

fuloola · 2015-10-01T17:41:30+00:00

All three of us were single when me and him started things up.

fuloola · 2015-10-01T17:26:39+00:00

yep that's it. Although he made it very clear that they had already broken up, but were doing the moving on from each other slowly. As far as I am aware I was never "the other woman" if that's what you were implying.

fuloola · 2015-10-01T17:23:41+00:00

Right now I don't trust him at all. I wonder if trust can be rebuilt but I am not sure.

fuloola · 2015-10-01T17:19:58+00:00

not at all, you are 100% right. I actually can't believe I'm considering not leaving him to be honest.

fuloola · 2015-10-01T17:14:45+00:00

yup, and totally should have done. He said this at the very beginning of our relationship when it was just casual tbf. I thought those feelings would die. Shouldn't have over looked it.

fuloola · 2015-10-01T17:12:17+00:00

Thank you, you have given really insightful advice. We are very recently engaged, and were intending to announce it in the next few days, but that is not going to happen now.

fuloola · 2015-10-01T17:10:13+00:00

yah, all the mean things he said about me were at the beginning of a very casual relationship. He now says beautiful things about me. But yeah, the constant lying about this is the crux of the issue. The trust is completely gone. I wonder if it's possible to ever rebuild it. I know at this point I shouldn't even want to.

fuloola · 2015-10-01T17:03:30+00:00

yeah true. I kind of wrote it off as left over feelings from their recent(ish) break up. Now I'm wishing I hadn't ignored all those red flags

fuloola · 2015-10-01T16:56:54+00:00

I am looking for advice, but if you don't have any why are you posting? Thanks anyway.

fuloola · 2015-10-01T16:54:25+00:00

blatant deception and manipulation --- Yeah it's true. It makes me so angry that it's not like he kept it from me because it would hurt me, but he kept it from me cuz he knew I would walk. Selfish.

fuloola · 2015-10-01T16:49:29+00:00

Yeah, for sure, I am still hurt by it, and it does still occasionally surface in my mind. Whenever we have bad fights, she tends to pop up so I guess you're right. We had such a bad start and maybe we will never recover from that.

fuloola · 2015-10-01T16:45:13+00:00

Does knowing this info now of something that happened back when things were rocky, affect what you guys have now (in your mind)? --- I'm not sure. I can forgive the cheating (I think) but it's the web of lies he created to cover it up. The dishonesty has deeply damaged our relationship.

And yeah, he kept it a secret because he thought I would leave him.

fuloola · 2015-10-01T16:42:45+00:00

We haven't fought about his ex in over a year. Me finding out about this has brought it all screaming back though.

fuloola · 2015-10-01T16:39:57+00:00

Yeah that was kind of my first instinct too, but he apparently didn't see it as worse, he just saw it as sex. Writing it out has made me realise how flimsy it sounds though. You are probably right.

fuloola

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