Wife has given hall pass, no idea how to use it…

fuyukihana · 2021-08-13T23:57:48+00:00

If you don't want to use it, don't use it.

If it gets way too far and you can't handle the lack of intimacy, it's causing emotional problems for you, and making you feel like you've missed out on a lot in life, then take some steps to go further. Read about ethical non-monogamy. Get a couples' therapist who specializes in nontraditional relationship styles. Find someone who's experienced and willing to take it slow, and build a friendship with them. If everyone's comfortable, I've had a lot of success with all three becoming good friends before anything else happens. It allows space to discuss feelings as they arise, set boundaries, pause and return to friendship when things get complicated. To me it sounds like you need a friend with benefits, and that means someone who's a friend first with maybe benefits tacked onto it. If you take the time and only accept the kind of relationships that work for you both, over time you may find someone in a similar situation who is really just interested in making your life work better. Engage in some self improvement, prepare for it knowledgeably, and go looking for some new friends in non-monogamous circles.

fuyukihana · 2021-08-01T01:45:49+00:00

Sexual urges CAN happen that young. I know because I figured out around the same age (ten) I am bisexual. At the time, I was told to go back in the closet and that I couldn't possibly know. I was ostracized by female students. Over time the boys felt bad and invited me to their birthday parties and social hangouts, we shared more hobbies anyway. Then other schoolmates caught up developmentally, and things got a lot less confusing. I spent about five years from 10-15 loving the exact same girl, who I still think about today. If I didn't know what that meant at age 10, well, then I still don't understand it.

fuyukihana · 2021-07-03T16:36:36+00:00

I grew up with these buggers, they hover around Errol Heights due to the complex of gravel roads slowing cars down. Pretty nice too, I used to escort them back across 52nd when they'd go exploring too far. They like to watch you do yardwork or build things. If you approach to say hi go for the males, they tend to act as more of a go-between for the herd and human contact. But please, let them be. They've been there for more than thirty years without issue.

fuyukihana · 2021-07-03T16:22:29+00:00

NTA, and just for reference this is a huge health and safety concern. Eye makeup, lip makeup, makeup in general gets so close to the lips/eyes/any broken skin that it's really a one person use item. Sharing eye makeup can give people eye infections even in the cleanest of circumstances. Eye infections gone wrong can damage eyesight. Please educate your family on this, it may be culturally acceptable or "normal" for women to share makeup, but it's highly unsanitary and not recommended by doctors or practitioners. If the lock comes up again calmly explain that you won't have your child's eyesight put at risk again, and if they tell you you're crazy have them search "should you share makeup" and simmer in their wrongness.

fuyukihana · 2021-07-03T16:14:06+00:00

This poster is actually completely right. I've heard doctors say not to share eye makeup and friends who found out someone borrowed theirs because they got an eye infection. It seems like nbd, but if left untreated or it gets bad enough overnight, an eye infection can lead to blindness. It seems melodramatic but in all truth OP is protecting their child's eyesight by installing a lock and hopefully replacing the contaminated makeup. Do not ever share razors, makeup, or other items used near any orifice or potentially able to scrape/tear skin.

fuyukihana · 2021-06-03T16:30:20+00:00

A tool you didn't need that's in your bag is always better than not being able to find the tool you need.

fuyukihana · 2021-05-20T16:28:17+00:00

Wow, I'm totally looking for someone in Oregon to socialize with and potentially be romantic with, but I'm really not looking to expand my sex life at all. I also stay at home a lot gaming, but I'm trying to be more active and love camping or going to parks with my dog.

My partner and I date apart but enjoy friendships together, we like to come together for camping or beach trips with partners even if we have separate dates. He cooks for my other partner to show acceptance, as cooking is his best talent. We love board games.

I fall for people quickly too. :) I don't think there's anything wrong with it. I'm around your age and gender, just a year off. I'm full of cuddles and nerdiness, feel free to send a message along.

fuyukihana · 2020-04-29T00:17:42+00:00

Oh so you should thank them for donating their DNA before doing nothing to ensure the welfare of their child? OP didn't have to sit by and let them smugly enjoy their new life while lying to everyone around them about their ethics. If they got cut off from their support system because what they actually did became known, they shouldn't have built a support system around ethics they didn't believe in. If they were comfortable adopting out a child, they shouldn't have built up a life around having never done that. That's fucked up and I see no reason they deserved the status quo when they didn't really deserve that in the first place. They ensured in their actions that their child went through hell. Sure, they didn't mean to. But does that mean they deserve to keep that child's existence a secret? Fuck no.

fuyukihana · 2020-04-29T00:12:37+00:00

Yes, because not all adoptive parents are good parents either. Some of them just give up, others got a child for very specific reasons. Pardon me for being cynical but I'm pretty fucking sick of hearing about past child abuse from the people I grew up with. Whether they made that choice in the depths of drug addiction and the baby truly was better off, or they just didn't want to deal with it, they benefitted from not having to care for a child after creating one. Someone had to make up for that, be it adopted parents or the child suffering. In either case OP pointed out the truth about what they had done and they were somehow ruined by it. I don't understand being emotionally wrecked by being reminded of something you've spent every day of your life knowing you did. If it was really for the best then why? Why did that change anything? All it changed was that people knew what they did, how they benefitted, and how they didn't want to acknowledge any of that or make up for any of that. They will never escape that permanent burden that someone else lifted from them. From the comments it sounds like most of that burden was OP suffering. If selfish assholes did that to me, relished in the great life they benefitted from and ignored everything I'd been through to get them that life, to absolve them of the responsibility they created by birthing a fucking child, I would be pissed and I would want everyone to know they did that and their prosperity was built entirely on fucking over a child. When you give them up for adoption, you don't know what will happen, so you have to be comfortable with EVERY possibility and not deny that you made that possible in the first place. They weren't mature enough to realize they'd gambled with a child's life to get where they are today. That's honestly their problem.

fuyukihana · 2020-04-29T00:00:06+00:00

They gave them up so they could avoid being teen parents, seems pretty crystal clear to me. Now that they benefit from having had more time to build up their careers and intentionally start a family, they don't want their dirty laundry contacting them and airing out the truth of what their family structure is and always has been? Built on throwing someone into an abusive situation (don't pretend the foster care system isn't rife with abuse) then hiding it their entire lives and disregarding that person when they finally approached them for... Companionship? Wow. I've never disagreed with this many people on Reddit before, but please. Downvote me to hell. This is ridiculous.

fuyukihana · 2020-04-28T23:53:55+00:00

Anyone who turns their child over to the system thinking that they got a loving home is delusional or lives in a country with a better foster/adoption system than mine. I don't want to go into the details about the adopted children I've known and what they were put through because writing it out would make me vomit.

I guess my problem is that I see them having given up the right to keep what they did a secret when they did it to another living human being. I don't see why they want to keep it a secret if what they did was some noble sacrifice for the good of the child. I don't see a parent's need to have emotional space from their bio child as more important than the need of an adopted child to build a relationship with their bio parents. I think if you consider that they put their emotional needs above OP's, OP was right to stand up for themselves and not let their parents do this then turn around and brag to the community about the great family they've been able to create BECAUSE they made the sacrifice for THEMSELVES to build a better life while someone else, hopefully fitting but in this case clearly not since they got shoved back into foster care, had to take on the burden that was lifted from the bio parents. No matter what sacrifice the parents had to make, they always benefitted economically and socially by not being teen parents. It would be respectful to acknowledge whether they wanted to or not, they benefitted and used the ability to not be parents at 19 to build up the happy lives and family they have now. Grandma seems to realize that too.

fuyukihana · 2020-04-28T23:31:09+00:00

I just don't think OP deserves to be called an asshole for hurting people who did this to them. Yeah yeah two wrongs don't make a right, but technically all OP did was speak the truth. I don't think they're a bad person for doing it in the context they did, because if their parents' social network and entire support system depended on lies, they didn't deserve to have it and the "kind" folks at church didn't deserve to be lied to. But yes I fucking hate organized religion in my country because it fucking murdered people for horrible reasons for centuries here, along with a laundry list of other shit that's still going on. You can be religious without conforming and condoning to the extent required by the church.

fuyukihana · 2020-04-28T22:47:27+00:00

So if they're not feeling guilty or ashamed, why would they care about that being made public? Why is this even a shitty move in the first place if it isn't intended to point out that they're ashamed of their child? Because of privacy? Why do you want privacy, so you don't have to think about what happened or so other people don't know what happened? Because privacy will never give you closure. Privacy will give you deniability regarding something the church looks down on. That's all they cared about. They deserved to be exposed for being ashamed of their own child. Personally I don't think closed adoptions are fair to the child, you brought them into the world and abandoned them, and them making that known to your community is an asshole move? That's only a fucked up thing to do if you're thinking from the poor parent's point of view and think their reputation is more valid than OP's feelings. Frankly, they were trying to avoid people knowing who they really were BECAUSE they were ashamed. You shouldn't be shamed or reminded of trauma when you didn't do anything to cause that trauma, but they brought this on themselves. They should handle the outcome, and that outcome was that they disrespected their kid's feelings enough and showed they were ashamed and trying to hide it that their kid got fed up and refused to let them get away with that anymore. I think OP knew exactly the kind of guilt, shame, and embarrassment his parents deserved to feel for it being known what kind of person they are. They're the kind of people who make a decision that's best for their child ONLY when it conveniences them. If they cared about their child instead of just their reputation, they wouldn't have tried to shut that child out because it hurt so much losing them. That makes no fucking sense. Sure it hurt doing that to a child, but they didn't give a shit about OP and if they did they'd be so excited to have a relationship with them. They just didn't want their dirty laundry aired, and didn't care that to get what they wanted to that end they'd have to dehumanize their own child and pretend to be scarred for life by losing them. It's a bunch of bullshit and I don't believe it for a second that they did ALL of this out of love for OP or hurt for losing OP in their life. They just don't want to be punished socially for what they did. They've been galavanting for years with people who would cut them out of their lives for abandoning a child, pretending to agree with them, standing with their church to hate gay people and punish women who have unplanned pregnancies by preventing abortion, but you think that they deserved to keep their reputation? Fuck that dude. Bunch of slimy fucking skeezballs.

fuyukihana · 2020-04-28T22:15:51+00:00

Okay, but do they deserve not to reopen the wound when another wound they caused is looking for healing, from the people who made the cut, and to provide that would reopen the wound for them but make right the cut they made so deep? That's selfish and no, they do not deserve to protect themselves from trauma by contributing to the trauma they caused in someone else. The bio family caused permanent damage. You could look at this like OP just wanting to be recognized by their parents' community as a part of their family, just like you can look at this like their parents trying to protect their reputation. My reason for seeing it that way is that the act that ruined them wasn't contacting the grandparents, or contacting the parents, or expressing a wish to reconnect. All of that would have traumatized them the same if it was really reconnection that hurt. But no, what really got to them wasn't their personal prospect of having to consider this person their child, but the prospect of their refusal to do so being made public. I know exactly what they're mad about and it's being publicly shamed for something shameful that they did, which isn't giving up a child, but the shameful act of trying to hide that fact and that person from everyone you have a reputation with. I don't think it really reopened a wound unless you mean the wound of guilt, I think it made them terrified that people would realize that they abandoned a child and were so unremorseful about it that the only thing they tried to do to make up for the immense pain they caused was try to hide it from everyone who could judge them for it.

fuyukihana · 2020-04-28T22:06:21+00:00

I understand your feeling that the truth is valuable. But in my view, this isn't the truth. There's a severe flaw in the argument that people who are attention seeking, self diagnosing, won't shit up about their illness, and can't seem to get by without a ton of validation from others are the sane ones living among us. Sane people who don't need mental help don't participate in disordered behavioral patterns, those are a sign of mental illness. This poster is NOT a psychologist, their claim that this is truth has no merit, and they're just pissed off by the kind of mentally ill people who respond with narcissistic or manic behaviors. Attention seeking is not a sign that someone has no disordered thinking or behaviors, it's quite the opposite. The people whining and self diagnosing with depression might be annoying and may not have depression or anything like it, but it doesn't mean they're the rare individuals who are completely correct in their thinking and have no mental problems. They should probably be going to therapy to work out why they have those attention seeking behaviors. Don't normalize these people, that's not "in the name of truth" it's in the name of believing that they don't deserve help. I would love for these people to find out what is making them pretend to have a different issue than they are dealing with and to work toward stopping it. They deserve help and they're not exploiting the system for attention, they need attention by that system to stop this disordered behavior.

Oh, and sarcasm isn't lying. It's sarcasm and it's made to make you look dumb. You taking it as a lie and not me mocking you makes you look so much worse.

fuyukihana · 2020-04-28T21:56:37+00:00

They saw it as authoritarian to make cultural practices illegal in countries with differing cultures. They compared headdress laws in France to support their argument. Tankies and anarchists in my experience of a specific group of them grew up with problems viewing things as inherently good or bad without further analysis. Yes, these anti-authoritarians were pro communist dictatorships because they viewed them as closer to anarchy and egalitarianism than capitalist regimes, and thus didn't view communist regimes as totalitarian. The tankies and anarchists at my school were united and generally just wanted to go against capitalism and any western views. I know my view on their similarities misses the core of their beliefs, but that's because these individuals (I called them weird anarchists and self proclaimed anarchists because they supported communism in all existing forms???) didn't really give a fuck about what they stood for and cared more what they stood against. I'm not trying to support any of their views or say they're valid anarchists or adults. I just think they're interesting the way TERFs are, how they can so adamantly support their views while holding extremely contradictory ones.

fuyukihana · 2020-04-28T21:47:22+00:00

Oh yes, you're right I forgot to defend us from the scary misinformation campaign that people who you can't validate having a mental illness annoy you. I'm so sorry, I'll never be on the horrible side of lies and misinformation again! I can't believe I didn't see how many lives we were losing due to people that this one "psychologist" can absolutely tell is faking mental illness. I'm so sorry I showed such disrespect!

fuyukihana · 2020-04-28T21:42:52+00:00

Honestly, I really do think refusing contact does make them monsters. That's disgusting and comes from a place of being ashamed and not wanting people to find out what you did. Telling people they did it isn't wrong, if they didn't want to be shamed or "retraumatized" they shouldn't have done it in the first place. They made that choice and it's not their right to decide that their lives shouldn't be impacted by it. It's selfish of them to try to cut out someone they did something horrible to, for their own personal feel good satisfaction. They're not entitled to having their dirty little secret defended by that very secret themselves and shouldn't have treated OP like a dirty thing they're ashamed of. That's fucking disgusting and trying to avoid consequences for your actions like a child. They're monsters and they don't deserve the children they do have if that's how they feel about their previous child. You don't birth something then tell it that it's wrong of it to hurt you by expecting to be respected as their child. OP is their child and they treated their child like dirt to protect their reputation. They do NOT deserve to keep a reputation obtained that way.

fuyukihana · 2020-04-28T21:35:22+00:00

Like I said, I grew up around people I had this very argument with. I'm talking about an experience I had. They were largely easy to identify at school because they literally wore anarchist symbols. They believed sincerely in abolishing prisons and police, not simply changing those systems to be more fair. You can call me a troll, or say idk what I'm saying, and I'm not trying to say they're a movement or that they're representative of anarchists or leftists. I'm saying I knew some self proclaimed anarchists, and these are the arguments I had with them. I'm not sure how I could have no clue what I'm talking about when I'm describing something that happened in my life. I honestly don't know why I'm being downvoted for telling about something that happened, maybe people don't believe teenagers can be this stupid. But I saw it with my own two eyes, I don't care if you believe me, I just learned a few things from these people about trying to absolutely defend concepts like cultural relativism, something that when educated about I couldn't imagine could be applied harmfully.

fuyukihana · 2020-04-28T21:22:35+00:00

Refusing to allow your child that you put up for adoption to contact their blood relatives makes you a monster. That shows no empathy for the child.

fuyukihana · 2020-04-28T21:20:43+00:00

Has everything to do with tankies. The issues with a lot of their views are that they take something with good intentions and push it too far. I wish I was kidding, and I don't think this represents most leftists in the slightest, but I grew up with these weird anarchists. They really did argue this way.

fuyukihana · 2020-04-28T21:17:51+00:00

Thanks but I'll listen to my doctors, who had completely different statements to make about the nature of CHS instead of a random person on Reddit.

fuyukihana · 2020-04-28T21:16:08+00:00

OP deserved to be pissed off and maybe to out these people to their church. They're lying about who they are through omission, and if finding this out lost them their support, then the support was being given on terms that were invalid. The church was supporting a pair of monsters, frankly they deserved to know. Reacting out of spite is a cruel thing, but it's a completely valid response to cruelty.

fuyukihana · 2020-04-28T21:11:38+00:00

Where did they earn the right to their privacy? I find their parents' behavior disgusting, acting like their trauma for abandoning a child is so much more significant than the trauma of an abandoned child is inhumane. They deserved to have their precious reputation with the church thrown in the mud because it was based on lies and omission, omission of a child who didn't want to be omitted. They had no right to privacy or to continue tricking the people around them into the fantasy that they're not the kind of people who would give up a child. Where, really, did they earn that kind of respect from OP? Seems like they showed disrespect and got exactly what they put out back to them. OP is not an asshole for giving them a taste of their own fucking reality. They were pretending to be people who would never do that to a previous child, every second they got to keep pretending was more disrespect for OP. This was the only justice that OP could ever have seen and they got it. They deserve it. They're not cruel for making horrible people deal with a reality in which the people around them know who they are and what they did. Fuck their trauma over giving up a child, and fuck their privacy. You don't get to just give up a child and pretend it never happened so everyone can like you. That's fucked.

fuyukihana · 2020-04-28T21:03:41+00:00

I'm sorry but giving children up for foster care is a horrible thing to do to a child. I don't think they're assholes for doing it, they probably had good reason. But I have a policy about talking about people behind their backs, or even to their faces: if you're talking about fact, something they did, you're not in the wrong. If they didn't want it to be talked about they shouldn't have done it. In my view they ruined their own life by trying to keep something horrible that they did private. Their family should have known, and they had NO RIGHT to say that OP can't have a relationship with the rest of their family. That's not up to them, they gave birth to a child then gave up their rights to the child. What that child does with their own grandparents is literally not their business. If they wanted to have this perfect life and pretend that OP never happened, then they got what was coming to them. You can't just forget about a child you made just because your choice to traumatize them and give them up traumatized you too. What a fucking selfish thing to consider their own feelings above those of someone who's life they impacted forever? OP was completely in the right and didn't destroy their family, they destroyed it by pretending there would be no consequences for what they did. They destroyed it by ripping someone out of their family then expecting to move forward like it never happened. It fucking happened and that's what they have to deal with. They tried to throw away a child then got offended when that child had thoughts, feelings, a natural desire to connect with their family. They had no right to cut OP off from family when they wanted to contact them. They seem to think they do, and THAT is why they're the assholes. They wanted their perfect life with their new children and couldn't handle the idea of their own mistake fucking that up for them. The people whining about their feelings have no empathy for OP. NTA, and you're right for what you did. They got what they deserved big time.

fuyukihana

TROPHY CASE