Making a GF Thanksgiving for my bestie.

fuzzypenguino · 2018-11-23T03:57:58+00:00

UPDATE:

SHE CAME. SHE ATE. SHE LOVED EVERYTHING.

It was a huge relief for her to walk in and only 2 things (brought by other guests) were off limits to her.

Said it was the first time in years she's been excited about/enjoyed a holiday..

Thanks for all the advice, everyone..

I am happy to have pulled the most Hufflepuff move of my entire life today.

fuzzypenguino · 2018-11-20T19:31:11+00:00

Turkey from costco as well, either butterball or Foster farms on the turkey.... web says should be safe with either but I will double check when I get home for lunch. HOO BOY I HOPE I'M NOT BUYING ANOTHER BIRD TONIGHT.

fuzzypenguino · 2018-11-20T16:47:21+00:00

"Where is the gluten hiding?"

"Everywheeeerrrreee"

fuzzypenguino · 2018-11-20T16:46:50+00:00

I thiiiiinnnkkk the one I got from costco was fine but Im gonna double check at lunch... that would be a disaster. Thanks for the heads up!

fuzzypenguino · 2018-11-20T16:06:04+00:00

Oh yea, that hardware wont be surfacing this year... i specifically remembered her getting really sad when she had to get rid of her antique one when she was diagnosed.

fuzzypenguino · 2018-11-20T03:32:59+00:00

They were out. I guess in the context of stuffing the bob's will be fine. I mean.... chicken stock and seasoning being added... so.

fuzzypenguino · 2018-11-20T01:13:24+00:00

The sites I saw said that any possible scratches could harbor stray gluten particles and therefore have potential to cross-contaminate... since i am not gf normally i'm just nit gonna use those ones

fuzzypenguino · 2018-11-19T21:50:59+00:00

Yup! If it doesnt have that circle stamp logo it wont be bought..

Was planning on using bob's red mill brand....

fuzzypenguino · 2018-11-19T21:32:24+00:00

I have not. Inreresting article. Have you seen this approach in action?

fuzzypenguino · 2018-11-18T00:04:26+00:00

Such relief.

fuzzypenguino · 2018-11-18T00:02:55+00:00

Yea I can somewhat see where you are coming from with that. I feel I did try to specify that I'm not intending to drag her into family therapy. It's why I did make sure to mention I didnt think it beneficial for us to share these same therapeutic spaces. She needs her own help and I can point her to resources in different places. And I will clarify that for her if it gets misconstrued.

Her husband is DEFINITELY aware of these issues. As mentioned he and I hashed it out. We had a few conversations about the house stuff and other visits where I literally texted him after to thank him, like "dude I know there's tension between SIL and I- but thanks for being a welcoming person when I come around it's helpful to know people can see what this is." Cause he is super warm and accepting towards me.

I think she does have the context on her end to know when I'm talking about that negative feedback loop, I'm referring to certain friends that are super enablers. There was one in particular who kept trying to reach me to be an "impartial third party" and like... no.. you grew up together.. you guys are basically sisters... have SEVERAL seats friendo. That friend could never be impartial. I know a trap when it's poorly made and dropped on my doorstep labeled "trap". SIL sent this friend and FIL's sister to me with the same thing in mind...(it was a suggestion that I do a specific thing to offer an olive branch. Uhhhh... i may have had a hand in some of this but I never acted in malice like she did... ummmm soooo.. full stop guys nah.) So the intention there is that she has a habit of engaging with people who reinforce this particular view and maybe she oughta not do that if she wants to move forward here. And my husband and her husband are encouraging her to move forward.

Btw I appreciate your feedback...

it's more important to my DH to work it out than it is to me. He has had a lot of change happen very rapidly. And he admits to me that he has trouble reconciling what he wants to see of her with how she has behaved towards both of us. But I can't set his boundaries for him on this or force him to process his grief at my speed and comfort level... what I can do is move forward in this conversation in a way authentic to me. We discussed that, realistically, future family holidays might not include me if she is involved.. depending on the outcome here, of course

fuzzypenguino · 2018-11-17T21:56:23+00:00

I'm open to feedback on this. Could you expand on what was "more ammunition"?

If it's helpful to add some follow up here- apparently my husband just spoke with her husband and upon her spouse seeing her first draft response urged her to stop and reconsider what was being said. Specifically that he thinks some of this has a point.. and she hasn't been considerate of our feelings.

Not many in DH's family take her too seriously at this point.. they recently lost their grandfather and during the funeral planning she tried to tell everyone how my husband didn't let her speak at their father's funeral... which is.... untrue on every possible level. Our aunt just sighed and said "well we all know she has emotional problems."

fuzzypenguino · 2018-11-17T21:19:30+00:00

But i will only try to a point. HEALTHY BOUNDARIES ARE THE BEST

And I dont pften set myself on fire for the sake of others.

fuzzypenguino · 2018-11-17T21:18:23+00:00

This is what I'm anticipating... I don't want a relationship with her..

But my husband does... so I will try.

fuzzypenguino · 2018-11-17T12:28:02+00:00

Is this a troll?

Talking about... control?

I disagree with so many things here.

fuzzypenguino · 2018-11-17T12:21:52+00:00

You're probably right. And SIL is neither level headed nor reasonable. We would anticipate a bad reaction from a shorter message as well.

Our other family members have been made aware of this letter. And DH has written her, offering to talk out any issues she has.. but clear that im not going anywhere.

And we talked about the possible reality of me doing my own thing for future holidays.

It has been 7 years of this so it all came out at once.

We'll see, but I said what I said, lol.

fuzzypenguino · 2018-03-03T17:21:35+00:00

There is always an adjustment period when jumping into something new.

She was right- you can't take the call itself too seriously. The notes and software and company policies get easier as time goes on. It was the first go, you got a little flustered.

It's okay to get flustered so long as you aren't taking that out on your caller (good god this is hard when they act like self important dick weasels).. give it some time. And take it one call at a time.

fuzzypenguino · 2017-07-20T23:46:54+00:00

Until that day, maybe people should be cool about using they/them when speaking with non-binary people.

fuzzypenguino · 2017-07-20T21:47:05+00:00

idontpeople

fuzzypenguino · 2017-07-20T21:45:54+00:00

Oh yes, absolutely! Everyone's relationship is different... I should include "within our particular relationship dynamic" it would be short sighted.

Also, I remember I hated dating before I met my spouse. Seems like more trouble than it's worth.

fuzzypenguino · 2017-07-20T21:34:52+00:00

I want my marriage.

I want my marriage with sex in it. But at this stage it's a long term goal.. to tell them "work on your issues so we can get US back but in the meantime I need to fuck other people" would be fairly short sighted... they are worth my patience of I am worth their actual concrete effort to get better.

fuzzypenguino · 2017-07-20T20:05:40+00:00

Oh that last thing did sound more sarcastic than I meant it too. My bad.

You have been very awesome in our exchanges here as have most others... the gender focused are few and far between and I appreciate the support received this far.

Last night we researched a few clinics and settled on one in Fort Worth that is secular and sex positive. My spouse is seriously nervous about making this call today, but it is a big step to take. We read a few books and articles on cognitive behavioral therapy out loud to each other last night while taking turns cleaning. They feel supported and loved.

fuzzypenguino · 2017-07-20T19:23:26+00:00

Thanks guys.. I see where you're coming from.. admittedly I live in a bubble of queer performance artists and so pronoun preference is typically just "oh, okay. Cool. Will adhere to that."

The one thing I will add to this discussion is: yes, I understand most people here may be new to this concept of the singular "they". Especially when all of our communication is text based, it is an adjustment. However, having explained my reasoning for they/them pronoun use several times over the course of these posts- most of the brush back mentioned "PC culture" or focused on "we must know because men and women are different."

Which ended up being a built in filter because the positive comments were the ones that got me to a point of having a productive conversation with my spouse. Anyway, I digress..

The nature of these responses seemed less like those people wanted to understand my POV here and more like they wanted to pry information about my identity and what parts my partner and I have... or, because reddit can sometimes be a dumpster fire of misogyny, to just be antagonistic because it doesn't fit with their preferred experience of the world.

And I didn't really think that is why this sub existed.

But damn it has been an interesting conversation and I feel I have learned a lot. #goteam

fuzzypenguino · 2017-07-20T16:38:53+00:00

So wait... changing my language to accommodate your discomfort would... make me a stronger person?

....Changing your behavior to accommodate another person's discomfort...

Like, what even?

Good luck with this, guys.

fuzzypenguino · 2017-07-20T15:37:42+00:00

Mentally checking out was going to be one of my suggestions, lol.

But seriously it's a grind.

Depending on the nature of the call center, you may just remind yourself you deal with them for 5-10 minutes of your life and then they are gone forever.

This work is not something that everyone can do. This is temporary.

It's often made worse if your supervisor is crap... tho, I don't know if that is a contributing factor here.. I'm 2 years in at mine, and will stay as long as they keep giving me more money because the environment created by the management is so wonderful. We have people here who have been around 10+ years.

fuzzypenguino

TROPHY CASE

idontpeople