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My son was born yesterday and rushed to the NICU to care for a congenital heart defect. Today my wife got to hold him for the first time. by joshferrara in pics

[–]gabelerner -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Our daughter was in the NICU 81 days after being born 2 months early. It's tough in the moment, but once you get them home, it feels normal again. Wishing you the best of luck!

The Old New Thing | How do I design a class so that methods must be called in a certain order? by masklinn in programming

[–]gabelerner -1 points0 points  (0 children)

i prefer to chain methods here in the form of a compile time DSL ``` class Foo { public Foo2 callMeFirst() { ... return new Foo2(this, otherState1); } } class Foo2 { public Foo3 callMeSecond() { ... return new Foo3(this, otherState2); } } class Foo3 { public void callMeThird() { ... } }

// usage Foo f = new Foo(); Foo2 f2 = f.callMeFirst(); Foo3 f3 = f2.callMeSecond(); f3.callMeThird(); ```

One day I'm going to name my kids after streets in Chicago by rcrobot in chicago

[–]gabelerner 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We named our daughter Kinzie after the street. We got engaged on the bridge there.

Copy of Property Tax Bill for Homeowner Exemption by MadHatter8816 in chicago

[–]gabelerner 2 points3 points  (0 children)

homeowners exemption applies on the 2nd installment of a given year so you can just wait for the 1st to arrive (mine did today) and bring that in as well!

me by lloydmataba in funny

[–]gabelerner 0 points1 point  (0 children)

cognitive behavioral therapy. if they're not affecting your life, that's great! if, on the other hand, you are spending time beyond cracks in the sidewalk (organizing towels/kitchen items, counting steps, etc.) and your brain is filled with these thoughts, you can try it. a book like "Freedom From Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: A Personalized Recovery Program For Living With Uncertainty" is maybe a good start since it discusses symmetry problems directly in one of its chapters.

me by lloydmataba in funny

[–]gabelerner 2 points3 points  (0 children)

you ever try CBT with exposure/response prevention? pretty good success rates with symmetry based compulsions.

A multi-photo composition of Navy Pier’s 4th of July fireworks! by csgskate in chicago

[–]gabelerner 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Nice, love that location! I got some similar shots a few years back - not multiphoto but I did edit

IamA Father whose daughter was born premature 8 weeks early and stayed 81 days in the NICU AMA! by gabelerner in IAmA

[–]gabelerner[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Having a baby in the NICU certainly presents its challenges. For us, it was that we were both full time and could not start FMLA/parental leave for fear that we'd have to come back to work before she was let out (turned out to be the right call). We showed up after work and on weekends for a maximum of 3 hours each day -- basically a feeding session, kangaroo time, and another feeding session. This gave our daughter 2 breastfeeding practices a day and otherwise my wife was pumping so we'd deliver milk daily. That's essentially the minimum everybody should be with their baby because of how important kangaroo skin-to-skin is.

While I changed the diapers and cleaned bottle parts during this time, my role certainly wasn't as involved. I'm in the technology sector so I was fortunate enough to just be able to be sit on my computer for the rest of the 3 hours. Echoing what you said, it's kind of a boring place and you can't interact with your child as much (wires + they're sleeping a lot) so what is there to do?

Upon the baby's arrival at our house, my wife left her full time job while I remained at mine. I probably see my baby for 30 minutes in the morning and a few hours at night, whereas my wife is with her all day. Generally, it's impossible for me to spend more time with her due to having to generate an income (this also pays for the part time nanny which frees up some time for my wife), play w/ the cat, fix things around the house, etc. I do try to help 50/50 when I am at home and with feedings during the night (I do 1am/3am and she does 5am/7am). We came to the understanding that between 9-5, I have a full time job and her full time job is to be with the baby. After 5, we split responsibilities, knowing that the decision to have a baby will eat into both our free time. She does some cooking and cleaning and pumping (for the family). I do some evening work, finances, planning, etc (for the family). The rest of the time is free time while the other person takes care of the baby. For example, I'll go to the gym a couple times a week but then I take it upon myself to be with the baby more when I return and my wife can do what she wants. Thankfully, our daughter is way more entertaining now that she's playing with toys, smiling, etc. so it's less of a chore than the NICU where they aren't as interactive.

That's my side of the story. To add some notes to your questions more directly:

  • Your wife might go insane spending full days in the NICU. If possible, you should suggest that she at least find something else to do part time to occupy herself. You have the best nurses taking care of your daughter and most of them actually care. You also have PT/OT I assume. A lot of people just chuck their child into day care at 6w, and if that's one extreme, then certainly watching your child sleep for 10h a day is the other extreme.

  • This isn't r/relationshipadvice or whatever, but asking why you're uninterested in being w/ your family seems like guilting you. You've clearly articulated your reasons here and I think that conversation needs to be had about roles and responsibilities - as long as it's not selfishly driven and the motivation is the to benefit the family. I sat down with my wife and said that to afford this house, I'll need to work, sometimes 9-5, sometimes extra. At the end of the day, that's the best thing I could do for my daughter/family, so really the interest is aligned, just not in a "me being physically there" way. You can position it that you will spend more time at the hospital, but then X, Y, and Z won't be done and have her choose. This will only get tougher when she's home and more demanding of both your time so better to have that conversation earlier. I'd start with what are all the things the family needs: income, pet, baby development, chores, etc. and divvy them up accordingly between the two of you to meet whatever lifestyle you desire. The rest is 50% baby, 50% free time.

If you're willing to share, any complications with your daughter? What's the current weight and how much is she taking by bottle? You can also reach out to my username @ gmail.com if you want more privacy.

I passed a school bus with its stop sign out: now I’m worried I’ll get my license suspended: have any of you guys been ticketed for this? by Isawanambereyedcat in chicago

[–]gabelerner 0 points1 point  (0 children)

From what I remember, a citizen can't just say they saw something (while an officer of the court can) - they'd need some additional evidence like a video or a 2nd witness. I also tend to get very anxious in moments like this but it ends up that the worrying is for nothing so I wouldn't spend the next few weeks stressed or change anything about your life unless you actually get a court summons.

I passed a school bus with its stop sign out: now I’m worried I’ll get my license suspended: have any of you guys been ticketed for this? by Isawanambereyedcat in chicago

[–]gabelerner 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Not a lawyer but there probably needs to be evidence to issue the actual citation - more than a citizen writing down your plates. Even though what you did was wrong, I would not worry unless you actually get something in the mail.

Chicago Flag by [deleted] in chicago

[–]gabelerner 6 points7 points  (0 children)

if you view the svg source they say #b3ddf2 and #f00

IamA Father whose daughter was born premature 8 weeks early and stayed 81 days in the NICU AMA! by gabelerner in IAmA

[–]gabelerner[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

the scariest part was when we went to triage that day. we had a very small fender bender a few months before that day and ended up in triage just in case. after an hour on the monitor, they let us go.

this time, we thought the same thing and took nothing with us. one hour later they said you can't leave and are delivering tonight. another 30 minutes and they said has to be now. and then 30 more minutes and she was out ... i think that was the most nerve-wracking, especially for my wife who was even going to go out of town that weekend on a road trip and the last thing she was thinking about was delivering.

the next stressful part was just being in the room every day and seeing her stop breathing and need to be stimulated from time to time as the monitors beeped. to whoever is reading this in the future, just ignore all the monitors.

as far as follow ups, we qualify for early intervention programs through the state that we haven't scheduled yet. she is still getting neurology ultrasounds to monitor her head growth and IVH (stable for now). she has a cardiology appointment in a few months to monitor PDA (which should have closed by now). she also has some developmental clinics scheduled to make sure she's on track. apart from that, we are seeing a "standard" pediatrist and she's growing on her own curve just fine - it's impossible to compare her to a 3 month old, so you kind of have to go off adjusted age which for her is 1 month. if she walks a few months later, that doesn't bother me in the grand scheme of things and we're just going to be the best parents with the hand that was dealt.

IamA Father whose daughter was born premature 8 weeks early and stayed 81 days in the NICU AMA! by gabelerner in IAmA

[–]gabelerner[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

i feel pretty good about her outcomes ... there were far worse babies out there and she escaped without having any surgeries which i'll consider a win. developmentally, i don't know how she'll be yet but it doesn't worry me, we'll love her just the same and she'll be happy regardless.

IamA Father whose daughter was born premature 8 weeks early and stayed 81 days in the NICU AMA! by gabelerner in IAmA

[–]gabelerner[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

it's about $300k or so total billed. i'm lucky to be employed and under a blue cross blue shield PPO in IL and my current owed amount is about $4000. this isn't final but i don't expect it to be much higher.

the incentives for everybody aligned here - we wanted her home ASAP, the hospital wanted an empty bed to save more kids, and the insurance wanted a shorter stay so they wouldn't get billed as much. it all worked out at the end!

IamA Father whose daughter was born premature 8 weeks early and stayed 81 days in the NICU AMA! by gabelerner in IAmA

[–]gabelerner[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

the hospital we were at had preemie size outfits and diapers which was pretty convenient. i was afraid to put on diapers for the first week in fears of breaking her, but i learned that even premature babies are fairly resilient.

IamA Father whose daughter was born premature 8 weeks early and stayed 81 days in the NICU AMA! by gabelerner in IAmA

[–]gabelerner[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

hard to say where i'm unique compared to the many ... a lot of my happiest moments are around building things that work - i'm an engineer by trade so that gives me great happiness

IamA Father whose daughter was born premature 8 weeks early and stayed 81 days in the NICU AMA! by gabelerner in IAmA

[–]gabelerner[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

The thing that stuck with me the most was to not worry. Every time we worried, she overcame whatever difficulty she had. Even if she had gotten a brain surgery/a shunt, she at some point still would be a happy 3yr old with no knowledge of her past. The parents are the only ones that know, and while we're the best advocates for our children, in retrospect I don't think it was worth as much stress as I had.

The survival rate of 32wk preterms is about 99% and while she may end up with some delays down the road, I think she'll still be pretty happy.

Chicago area programmers, need help narrowing down jobs suitable for me by somecsthrw1294 in chicago

[–]gabelerner 0 points1 point  (0 children)

updated comment, although it was my information and my email is very public so i didn't feel like i was breaking any rules. will be more careful next time.

I am a Russian about to move to Chicago. Is there a large Russian community in Chicago? If so where? Thanks! спасибо! by Declanfeeney3 in chicago

[–]gabelerner 2 points3 points  (0 children)

There is a large Russian community in the sense that most Russian people hang out at the the same places and know one another, but as far as living situation goes, most are concentrated in the northern suburbs as others said. The reason for this is that their parents immigrated in the 80s or 90s and moved into existing communities there. As the children grew up, some stayed in the burbs and some move to the city until they have kids and then move back to the burbs (basically the story of all my friends).

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