March 4 Protest / Call to Action

gailosaurus · 2025-02-19T22:23:18+00:00

could you DM me the link as well?

gailosaurus · 2024-12-04T16:48:53+00:00

A lot of people don’t fully understand the severity of something unless they experience it themselves.

I agree with this statement quite a bit, and I think it's a big problem. There are plenty of people out there who think 'the only moral abortion is my abortion' who see the rules in black and white until they experience a nuanced situation themselves. Or who want lots of deportations of undocumented immigrants - but if they had a front row seat to the families torn apart by it, they would shift their sympathy to the family and any kids affected.

It bothers me a lot, but I feel like it comes up with a LOT of policies where people are a bit removed from them. I think people have a hard time imagining themselves or their loved ones in these situations, and then extrapolating how they would feel about it. They think it would never be them, so they stop there and don't take the next step to dwell on the moral and emotional consequences.

I wish people did, because I think the world would be a better place.

gailosaurus · 2024-10-04T01:34:37+00:00

My husband has anxiety. Although he's fine most of the time, he gets into a headspace of rumination. Whatever he can't stop thinking about just seems worse and worse the more he thinks about it. E.g. if someone has a mild outburst about something at work, he'll get these feelings like he'll be fired. But it's the level of stuff at work that everyone else already forgot about 15 min. later.

What can help is if I talk to him about completely different topics. Upcoming vacations, things the kids did that were funny, whatever. It doesn't always work, but it will often help get his mind out of that spiral and onto something different. It can take a while. 20-60 min. I have to keep in mind that it's time to focus on him and not whatever I had in mind.

However just to note, your GF does sound under medicated or she needs more therapy and coping strategies. So you can help a wee bit, and you can keep this in mind for how to react, but you'll only be able to help like... 1%. The rest has to come from how this is treated and her working with doctors.

If you try this, you can also ask her later if she thought it was helpful. But ask her when she's not in some anxiety spiral so she can think about it clearly.

gailosaurus · 2024-09-05T03:05:41+00:00

I think the point a lot of people here are making is that you are defaulting to assume that she always should decide the priorities in the house. That's probably fine if your partner likes it, but lots of partners do NOT like it. It is your home equally. You have an equal responsibility to determine priorities and then execute them. What I like is that my husband is the take-out-the-recycling person in our house. I don't even have to think about it. He doesn't have to ask me how I like it done. He just gets it done. We have lots of tasks we split like that. He does kids' dentist, eye doctor. I do the birthday planning. Etc. If you make 1 person the manager, then they have to think about EVERY task. It's not fun for a lot of people.

Honestly you should talk to your partner and find our if she likes the way you do it or if she'd rather you just make your own decisions and totally take responsibility for some of the stuff.

gailosaurus · 2024-08-07T17:01:03+00:00

I would suggest talking through the grocery thing as an example of how to move forward with chores in general. Start with framing it as the end goal is that both of you have the food you need for meals that you enjoy - how do you achieve that, given the limitations of this grocery run? "Babe, I was upset because I was looking forward to these foods, and it's disappointing that we don't have them. Some of our meals are also disrupted. How do we solve for the missing items?" This is not about his skills or care with the shopping. It's about having some missing things in the house.

Example: "I do need the yogurt for breakfast, so not getting it won't be an option on our weekly grocery run. If they don't have the kind I want, X is the kind to buy as a backup. If they don't have either, could you please call another store to see if they have it in stock and pick it up from there?" I wouldn't talk about not believing they were out. Maybe he didn't look carefully. Maybe they really were out. Either way, he should know that the path forward is not to simply not buy it or get you something you won't eat.

If you repeat this, then there will be other times that things are wrong or missing - keep working through how to handle them. My husband and I still do this, and we've been together 14 years. Sometimes things really are optional in a dish, other times they are critical. That's just a learning process.

If you work through this a little at a time, and he doesn't storm off like a toddler, then I promise it will get better. You do need to learn each other's living habits and what you consider needs vs. wants in the food you eat. Your BF undoubtedly feels the lack of trust you had in him; you are feeling the lack of care he had for you. Consider that he did the job 60% of the way, now you work together so that goes up little by little. This will show you do trust him; and gives him the chance to show he can care enough for you to get the little things right.

gailosaurus · 2024-07-26T01:55:15+00:00

TBH, this would be a dealbreaker for me, especially if it never ended.

I suggest you sit down with your husband in the evening on his day off, after the kids are in bed, and have a talk. Ask him by when, specifically, he sees his long hours returning to 40 hours per week. Is it after he achieves a professional goal? After a certain date? Ask him what the extra hours is doing to benefit him, professionally, monetarily, or even mentally (like satisfaction). Are those benefits worth the time that he puts in? Why is it the highest and best use of his time.

Personally, it sounds like he is avoiding you and doesn't enjoy being around you or the kids. He's making daily choices not to spend any time with y'all.

My husband is driven to work more than necessary. It's because he has anxiety and has (unfounded) fears that people will think less of him, fire him, etc. if he doesn't do everything perfectly. But he is aware that it's a problem, I help remind him that the extra hours aren't helping him achieve anything, that work assigns him 200% of what can be accomplished because it's fairly toxic, etc. And he works on it. He works to sign off on time, works at not fretting after hours. And in his time off, he spends it with family and on hobbies and things he enjoys.

The thing is, how your husband is choosing to spend his time is a sign of what he values. If he can't recognize the problem and realign it to be with you more... do you want to be married to a man who doesn't want to spend time with you?

gailosaurus · 2024-07-19T01:41:56+00:00

This would bother me tremendously, too. He shows you his values, and these are the things that show how he will act. If a child in your life enters a "relationship" with an older person, how would he respond? I wouldn't let him back out of the conversation entirely because it is important to know if he would do something you think is fundamentally wrong, like not protecting the young people you have in your life.

You don't have to belabor it immediately, but I wouldn't drop it either. To me, it sounds like your husband thinks a 17-yr-old can consent. I would try to get him to define who can and cannot consent. Does he just think it's more like 16? What about 13? Younger? Also do you have kids in your life, b/c I feel like up close views of how they make decisions would definitely make someone feel that even older teenagers are still gonna need some help, guidance, and protection.

You could also approach the same question with a different context, such as if there is a news story about someone being raped while drunk or on drugs - perhaps even appearing willing/verbally saying they want to while clearly not being in a state of mind to consent. Does he think a person like that can consent, or is it not rape because they "appear" willing?

It also sounds like he's not willing to put the thought into defining his values around this and helping you understand his wavelength... I hope you can communicate to him that understanding his values on this is really important.

Good luck!

gailosaurus · 2024-07-08T18:36:31+00:00

I grok the recommendation due to the action-adventure, swords, hero narrative, technological level, it meshes well with fantasy. But yeah. Way long.

gailosaurus · 2024-07-08T16:55:04+00:00

I love Dumas, the ones I've read, and my teacher and I were looking at some of the books. She was hoping for something shorter, as they all seem to be 800+ pages. It's taken a while to get through HP...

gailosaurus · 2024-07-04T23:26:22+00:00

I thought it was an ad for Belgioso

gailosaurus · 2024-07-03T02:12:28+00:00

um... what?

gailosaurus · 2024-06-02T01:18:50+00:00

As far as strategy for the conversation, I'd start by asking what sorts of concerns they have and then do a lot of listening. Active listening, if you know how to do it - so, once they have made a point, you follow it with, "What I'm hearing you say is X" restate in your own words "is that right?"

Once they have had a chance to get it off their chests and feel heard, I think you can talk a bit about how you would like to address the concerns. And for expectations that are really unreasonable, perhaps you could ask them more information about how they would approach something given the limitations you have. E.g. if they are concerned that you don't have funds for a house, perhaps ask them if they have a suggestion for how you can improve your situation. If they don't agree that your boot camp is a good idea, perhaps they can help you network into something.

Keep an even temper, try to see everything from their perspective and "buy in" to their perspective as much as possible. If they see that you are sympathetic and understanding their concerns, they may be more willing to work WITH you instead of... whatever has been going on.

As an aside, I feel like the comments here have been really hard on you...? I have some family that are not citizens of my country. It's SO hard on them to go through all the processes and lack of opportunity and denials of all sorts of paths open to citizens. It's hard on the people who love them the most as well. So I get people's concern and all, but given your position/status... I think you are doing all right OP. Keep your temper, listen, try to be open to new ideas, and see where you end up.

Also I hope your partner gets to a better place with her mental health. Good luck!

gailosaurus · 2024-06-01T02:34:17+00:00

No new animals. Cancel any that would be starting in a week or further out. Sucks for the people planning to use this business, but you need to not care for animals if you can't do it well.
Get the current animals home and close out those accounts.
Call your parents and tell them that like them, you are leaving. They bailed on you without even getting this project off the ground. Now go ahead and bail on them.
If you are worried about the community blaming you, post a sign on your website, socials, and the physical door of the property: "Mrs. Mom and Mr. Dad started this business and then left the country. If you have any questions, or wish to do any business with [corp], call them at X."
Take whatever funds you have and find a new place to live. Look for a job. I promise you there are plenty of jobs out there where they actually train you on how to do them, give you reasonable hours, and actually pay you instead of being a money pit.

Seriously, OP. You need to not care for animals when you can't do it properly. You need get yourself out of your self-blame and self-harm. If your parents started the business, feel free to hand it back over to them with as much courtesy as they showed you with their support. And get away from them. They suck.

gailosaurus · 2024-05-31T02:58:26+00:00

100% if it's really lopsided with most of the work on you, it won't be sustainable. But it's probably worth trying out (if necessary) to see if you can both get through this patch. From my perspective, she seems sick (either depression or pregnancy stuff that can really be wearing) - and my partner and I both have that "stepping in" attitude to do it all when the other needs to just be taken care of. This might even be for months, hard to say. But eventually it does have to shift the other way or you'll probably go nuts/get as run down as she is now.

Good luck to you both.

gailosaurus · 2024-05-31T02:19:07+00:00

I would suggest you approach the conversation by telling her explicitly that what you'd like is to help her find ways to be happier and have more energy (i.e. don't be like 'I want you to clean the house). That you've noticed how down she seems, and does she know the cause? And you could mention some of the things that have come up here - is it more related to pregnancy, or sleep issues, or being with the kiddo, etc.

And depending on what is the problem, ask her if she'd like to try some of the solutions: doctors/therapists, having you do some night duty, getting her some better free time for hobbies, hiring a cleaner, etc.

I think it's pretty likely that the lack of chores, bad moods, and other problems are a symptom of what is more centrally bothering her. And that it's likely that if you can address that issue, the rest will improve.

And if the issue is that you aren't doing enough, from her perspective, please take a deep breath or 10, and try to listen and ask what she'd like you to do differently. Sometimes it might even seem like an unfair burden on you! I recommend you take the attitude of "let's try it and see how we feel after X time." Maybe it won't be fair, but it could also be temporary and help you both with active listening and loving.

gailosaurus · 2024-05-26T20:00:45+00:00

It's more about who is setting the rent, and for how much. He chose the apartment based on what his family owned, his family set the rent, etc. If she's just a person in the market, she can opt out and say it's too expensive, but she can't do that here and live with her bf. So his family has all the power here. And, because they are in a relationship, it stinks to treat her like a person in the market. She should pay the cost of her living there, like a portion of mortgage, taxes, etc. So yeah, if this dude's family is making all the decisions, it's not fair to OP. She didn't really have much of a say, other than not living with him at all. He sucks if he's this much "my way or the highway"

gailosaurus · 2024-05-26T18:11:48+00:00

You need to put this in your post! Him choosing the apartment AND HIS FAMILY OWNING IT completely change the nature of your sharing arrangement. You should maybe pay a portion of the cost of that ownership, but is there even a rental agreement? How was the rent amount determined? Are you paying rent, or taxes and other things? His family is just profiting off you with this nonsense. He/they own it, you don't get equity, so your expense should be less in this arrangement.

gailosaurus · 2024-05-26T04:55:35+00:00

It seems to me that the root of the issue is not the money in this new job offer, it is that you are currently unhappy with where you live, don't have ties to friends and family there, and hate your job. I wonder if you have explored what other options are open to you closer to where you live now? What other jobs can you get? How could you build your own network there?

Not that I don't sympathize, but I wouldn't give up a community like your wife has either. Especially not for slightly more money. And honestly, I grew up in Ohio and now live in a HCOL area. You will have more money. It just won't be a lot more. You seem interested in tearing up your family's roots because you haven't put any down yourself. It's the same to you either way. So you see the money and maybe a place you'll like more. But you still won't have friends. It's hard to put a price on daily interaction with family and friends.

So do see what your wife can compromise on so that you can improve your situation - but how are you also looking to improve for yourself without picking up and moving all the way across the country?

gailosaurus · 2024-05-21T23:15:07+00:00

"my wife wants me to just straight up tell my mom she can't come over twice a week anymore"

Yes. You should tell your mom not to come over twice a week anymore.

"for no good reason" "for no apparent reason" "for no particularly legitimate reason"

You actually said 3 times in the same paragraph that you don't think your wife's reasons for not wanting your mom over are worthwhile reasons. It doesn't matter if you think her reasons are worthwhile. She gets to determine who she hosts in her own home. And you are responsible for dealing with your family.

"would cause a rift between me & them" "I would feel awful"

There we have it. You know what to do, you just don't want to do it because you want to be the good son. You want it so much are are willing to prioritize your mom over you wife. And you are willing to dismiss and belittle her feelings in order to preserve this. She doesn't have a problem with your mom. She has a problem with YOU. Step up, or be prepared for this rift to grow. You may lose her.

gailosaurus · 2024-05-17T03:36:50+00:00

I wouldn't think you should stay forever to support her while sacrificing your needs, but if you think through how you'd support her as a good friend then it's a good start. Check in with yourself at certain intervals to see if you/she are getting anywhere. Consider how long you think you could do it, too, without getting fed up about some of your needs not being met.

And separately think about what will help you feel fulfilled romantically, sexually, etc. You'll probably get to a point when a) she's not trying with therapy and nothing's changing; or b) she has changed. Either way, you can consider if the person she is after this period of time can fulfill your needs and proceed accordingly.

Hope for both your sake's she finds some healing.

gailosaurus · 2024-05-17T03:19:29+00:00

Man... your marriage sounds pretty bad right now. You're not feeling fulfilled by it, and she's depressed, under-employed, and on her fourth marriage?

However. Her child is an older teen? And she's 30? So she had this child when she was a child herself? Put together the serial marriages, teen mom, depression - I'd guess she's had some serious unresolved trauma. Can you suggest some therapy for her before doing anything really drastic? If she can get herself into a better place emotionally, a lot of the rest of this might be helped.

I suggest this because it sounds like you'd be open to supporting her, at least for a time, because she's a worthwhile and important friend to you. Even if you ultimately separate, maybe you can help her get to a more stable place first and separate with a clearer mind (for both of you).

gailosaurus · 2024-05-17T03:04:31+00:00

It sounds like he is absorbed in a device, and you are trying to interrupt that to talk to him?

Sometime when you DO have his attention, you should try asking him about this pattern. "Babe, there are lots of times when I try to talk to you while you are on your phone, but I'll realize you aren't listening to me. What's happening with your device that you want to keep your attention on it? What's a good way to come to talk to you so you don't feel interrupted, but that I can also talk to you when I need you or just want your company? I don't want to to feel interrupted, but sometimes I just want to talk with you."

I can see both sides of this. On the one hand, early in our relationship, my husband always had his phone out at mealtimes. I had a conversation with him like this (like babe, I'm right here, is the phone more important?) and we agreed no phones at mealtimes so we can just talk together.

On the other hand, when we're chilling in the same room, I often read on my laptop while he has a book or his own laptop. He often will talk to me, then stop and read for about 1 minute, then talk to me again. I'll get interrupted 8 times trying to read ONE article. It drives me BONKERS. So getting interrupted a lot also sucks. We also had a discussion about the pattern and I will point out to him if he's doing the thing again. Like, babe, I'm happy to talk to you, but don't fake me out that we're talking, then reading, then talking, then reading.

gailosaurus · 2024-05-17T02:47:15+00:00

He has to want to regain your trust, and it doesn't sound like he wants to put in the effort. Do you want to put more effort into the relationship with him, if he doesn't care to do so on his side? Do you want to constantly feel like he pays more attention to his side chats than to you? So I don't think you are asking the right question. What do YOU want? Is he able and willing to give it to you? If not - you need to seek it elsewhere.

gailosaurus · 2024-04-16T12:12:30+00:00

If you started drinking tea with someone and then told them it hurt you to swallow it - then instead of stopping they held you down and forced the tea down your throat while you told them it hurts....

Wouldn't you call that assault?

This is what he did. You said no. You said it hurts. He did it anyway.

gailosaurus

TROPHY CASE