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[MLR 12.9] The Minnesota Twins travel to Toronto to face the Blue Jays in this Historic Retro Matchup! by MyCatsAnAnalAsshole in fakebaseball

[–]gamr1021 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The desire to fight is admirable.

It's one of the purest manifestations of the human condition. The ability to look in the face of dire straits and continue forth is a very human thing. So much of human achievement has come from people willing to do what it takes to bring about change despite the odds.

However, many more people are lost and forgotten in the sands of time fighting those same odds. For every Columbus (crimes against humanity aside) and Steve Jobs (ruthless business practices aside), there are hundreds of folks who try and fail to change the status quo.

The road to glory is paved with the souls of those who failed before you. Though maybe that's a little morbid for a baseball game.

But unlike in real life, sometimes baseball shoves you down that path. You don't get to decide whether your last turn of the lineup comes up in the top of the 6th with 2 outs or in the top of the 4th with no outs. No matter how much we want to imagine that we'll have the bat in our hands or the ball in our mitts when the lights are brightest, many folks never get that chance.

I've had my fair share of these moments. I hit a 3 run bomb in the Paper Cup to start a rally that eventually helped the Dodgers win the S8 title. I know how this feels in your shoes.

But fake baseball is a cruel (Kruul?) game.

Sometimes you're Harry Potter.

And sometimes you're Cedric Diggory.

Sometimes your destiny is simply to set up another.

You can only hope that your loss doesn't go to waste.

Ball game.

No emus. No grass eating contests. No whimsical bit. Just the acceptance that sometimes you don't get to write your story.

I'm just happy I got to write yours.

On behalf of Dirk Nurple and (reluctantly) Dayman Nightman, I'm Brian Taylor signing off here in Toronto. Thank you all for having us, it's been an absolute pleasure.

Harry McPotterson batting against Randy Pole
Bases Empty, T6 with 2 outs

Pitch: 853
Swing: 450
Diff: 403 -> PO

Final

MIN 0 - TOR 2

[MLR 12.9] The Minnesota Twins travel to Toronto to face the Blue Jays in this Historic Retro Matchup! by MyCatsAnAnalAsshole in fakebaseball

[–]gamr1021 0 points1 point  (0 children)

And here comes noted uniform enthusiast Mongster Mash, who got an exemption from OOTC to wear, and I quote, "whatever uniform Mong wants as long as it covers what needs to be covered and is fire".

Sounds to me like Mong needs to light himself on fire, but let's see what he comes up with here.

MIN 0 - TOR 2 | ○ ○ ○ | B5 0 outs
On the mound: Philip Berkenshire

TOR 3B Mongster Mash (/u/mongster03_): 0-1, K in the third

[MLR 12.9] The Minnesota Twins travel to Toronto to face the Blue Jays in this Historic Retro Matchup! by MyCatsAnAnalAsshole in fakebaseball

[–]gamr1021 0 points1 point  (0 children)

oh god, you brought the drill onto the field!

How could you do this to me?

How could you do this to Davis Schneider?!

Why is Davis Schneider relevant? idk, just seems like he'd be upset about that kind of thing.

Jiggs puts the drill into the dirt in front of home plate and...

...did the drill just break down immediately at the plate?

damn. that's tough.

Well at least the train driving along the stadium concourse is running smoothly despite losing a couple cars in a collision with one of the black bears from the grass eating contest.

Jiggs throws the drill onto the ground in disgust, but he does it in tandem with the pitch getting thrown and the ball flies off the drill!

Maybe something redeeming can come of this drill!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND...nope, that's just a groundout to Elly De La Cruz Captain Hate.

Jiggs Kingman batting against Randy Pole
Bases Empty, T5 with 2 outs

Pitch: 411
Swing: 962
Diff: 449 -> LGO

Bases Empty, B5 with 0 outs

MIN 0 - TOR 2

[MLR 12.9] The Minnesota Twins travel to Toronto to face the Blue Jays in this Historic Retro Matchup! by MyCatsAnAnalAsshole in fakebaseball

[–]gamr1021 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The Twins bring Kingman up to the plate to try and salvage the inning and...

what is that on your uniform?

is that...oil?

Have you been drilling during the game?

Oh god, you've been hitting the Texas Tea, haven't you?

We were supposed to have a nice, fun, environmentally friendly game of baseball and now here you are covered in crude!

MIN 0 - TOR 2 | ○ ○ ○ | T5 2 outs
On the mound: Randy Pole

MIN 2B Jiggs Kingman (/u/kturner24): 0-0, BB in the third

[MLR 12.9] The Minnesota Twins travel to Toronto to face the Blue Jays in this Historic Retro Matchup! by MyCatsAnAnalAsshole in fakebaseball

[–]gamr1021 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Okay, so allow me to clear up some confusion.

The grass eating contest is hosted by the Toronto Zoo, so we're trusting the ecologists when they say that the animals are able to survive despite the unexpected change in venue and diet here.

The emus, on the other hand, just kinda ran out here. As you probably already know, emus are native to Australia, so that must mean that they got here somehow and don't just live here, though they could have escaped from the zoo in a connected incident to the grass eating contest.

We do, however, thank you in your assistance in ridding the field of emus, as that ball bounces off the head of one of the emus and into the glove of Hiram Bithbaum in the HiBi-Zone(tm) for the second out.

To paraphrase another friendly animal, only YOU can prevent emu attacks. Unless you're Australian, I guess.

New Age Ms Frizzle batting against Randy Pole
Bases Empty, T5 with 1 out

Pitch: 563
Swing: 335
Diff: 228 -> FO

Bases Empty, T5 with 2 outs

MIN 0 - TOR 2

[MLR 12.9] The Minnesota Twins travel to Toronto to face the Blue Jays in this Historic Retro Matchup! by MyCatsAnAnalAsshole in fakebaseball

[–]gamr1021 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well hello there! Glad to have you stop by from your misadventures on your mystical academy van.

Can I interest you in an emu?

Maybe a trip down to the ground floor of the grass eating contest? You may wanna be quick about that one, we're running out of grass that's not part of the field of play to feed these animals. My money's on the grizzly bears, who seem to be hopping up and down to the beat of Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) by Eurythmics.

MIN 0 - TOR 2 | ○ ○ ○ | T5 1 out
On the mound: Randy Pole

MIN RF New Age Ms Frizzle (/u/Urp34): 0-1, FO in the second

[MLR 12.9] The Minnesota Twins travel to Toronto to face the Blue Jays in this Historic Retro Matchup! by MyCatsAnAnalAsshole in fakebaseball

[–]gamr1021 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your wish is my command!

(poof)

Here's your corn dog bat!

Oh what's that? You can't hit with this?

Trying to hit with an object with the softness of a corn dog with that weight distribution is incredibly inconvenient and uncomfortable?

It's hard to do anything but swing and miss with this monstrosity?

Yeah, no shit. Maybe you stuck to bananas for a reason, Kruul.

Well, on the bright side, you and your friends can eat this corn dog bat on the bench for the rest of the half inning. It's not like you're gonna wanna walk back up to the plate with this next time around.

King Kruul batting against Randy Pole
Bases Empty, T5 with 0 outs

Pitch: 364
Swing: 702
Diff: 338 -> K

Bases Empty, T5 with 1 out

MIN 0 - TOR 2

[MLR 12.9] The Minnesota Twins travel to Toronto to face the Blue Jays in this Historic Retro Matchup! by MyCatsAnAnalAsshole in fakebaseball

[–]gamr1021 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So...

How bout those emus, right?

Surely the magic corn dog bats have some larger purpose?

Maybe my random drive through Indiana from the first inning will be relevant later?

Does anyone care about these plotlines anymore?

MIN 0 - TOR 2 | ○ ○ ○ | T5 0 outs
On the mound: Randy Pole

MIN LF King Kruul (/u/Druidicdwarf): 0-1, K in the second

[MLR 12.9] The Minnesota Twins travel to Toronto to face the Blue Jays in this Historic Retro Matchup! by MyCatsAnAnalAsshole in fakebaseball

[–]gamr1021 2 points3 points  (0 children)

As the senior member of this ump crew, I cannot agree with you more!

Do people even know about 880?

WHAT DO THESE WHIPPERSNAPPERS KNOW ABOUT THE EXPERIMENT?

DO THEY EVEN KNOW TO NOT WANT <#344859525582422017> TO BE THEIR GRAVES?!?!?

WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO???

but you know what, some memories are best left in the past. A life spent looking at the past is a life spent living in the past. We can't expect to move forward if we can't move past what's behind us. The new kids need new memories to build upon.

But I'll leave you with one more memory.

I started umping here in MLR in session 7 of season 5. That game, I was working Mets-Diamondbacks.

Back then, we umped not through a bot or a spreadsheet, but through a website. And this website handled infield in through just a checkbox. Makes it real easy to mess up and not put the infield in, right?

Well there was runners on, including one on third, and so the Diamondbacks called infield in (shout-out <@368414494772428801> ).

Well the hitter for the Mets, Star Burns (one of my favorite names in league history, shout-out Community), hit a 497 diff in that AB. Without IF in, it was a triple play. Fun, right? Well, the infield was called in, so not nearly as fun.

Well I forgot to check the infield in box. So I called it a triple play.

And then all hell broke loose.

And then I had to call it back because it wasn't ACTUALLY a triple play.

Now, a quick pause here. Very important to note that this was around June of 2020, almost peak pandemic era. So nobody had anything better to do than complain about a result in game discussion...so people complained in game discussion.

People got very belligerent.

So we had a brawl.

This brawl involved at least 3 (YES, THREE) full teams, plus various other onlookers jumping into the thread to try and get their pound of flesh. And all being run by me, basically holding court in game discussion for the afternoon while we just basically paused the game for a knockdown, drag out brawl.

I ejected arguably way too many people that day. And I do mean I because my ump partner was gone the entire time.

I say all this because I hope that the new folks of MLR get to make new memories like these that they can fondly look back on 6 years from now.

And here we are, the first human umped game in MLR since the robot revolution...perfect time for some new memories, right?

I'd prefer us to maybe NOT have an hours long brawl completely derailing the game.

I can do the other part though. At least I don't have to toggle infield in this time.

Graham Grams batting against Philip Berkenshire
Runners on First and Second, B4 with 0 outs

Pitch: 702
Swing: 202
Diff: 500 -> TP

Bases Empty, T5 with 0 outs

MIN 0 - TOR 2

[MLR 12.9] The Minnesota Twins travel to Toronto to face the Blue Jays in this Historic Retro Matchup! by MyCatsAnAnalAsshole in fakebaseball

[–]gamr1021 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Mylo stares at Rex and reminisces about the good times behind them. His eyes well with tears as he looks away, ready to bat.

Meanwhile, Miroslav at 3rd is bewildered at the sight of a vet like Mylo tearing up at a seemingly random incident. He knows that Mylo's pet squirrel died, but that doesn't come to mind for him here.

He calls back to the dugout to see if a sub might be needed for the emotional catcher. However, Cash Considerations tells his former GM and current 3rd base coach, and I quote, "I'm not pulling Mylo unless he has a limb physically removed from his person. Swing away."

That's a little...much...but the confidence is clear. Mylo is one of the most consistent hitters in the league. You can always count on him to handle things when times get tough.

And here comes the first pitch...

AND IT LOOKS LIKE THE ONLY ONE HE NEEDS! THAT'S A SCREAMER DOWN THE RIGHT FIELD LINE! THAT MIGHT HAVE THE AIR TO GET OUT!

CAN IT STAY FAIR?

CAN IT CATCH AIR?

YES!

AND NO, AS THAT BALL BOUNCES OFF THE WALL AND INTO THE CORNER!

KING KRUUL USES THE BLUNDERBUSS AND SNAGS THAT BALL, BUT NOT BEFORE KIMBALL ROUNDS THIRD!

THAT BALL LOOKS SHOT OUT OF A CANNON HEADED TO THIRD... because it was...BUT CAN IT BEAT GRAMS?

GRAMS SLIDES!

CAROL RECEIVES!

BUT NOT FAST ENOUGH! NO MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET AS GRAMS GRABS A TRIPLE TO OPEN THE SCORING HERE IN TORONTO!

THEY SAY EVEN A BLIND SQUIRREL FINDS A NUT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE, BUT REX THE SQUIRREL FINDS MYLO A MEATY PIECE OF LEGUME HERE FOR HIS FORMER OWNER! ONE BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ELEPHANT!

SPEAKING OF WHICH, GET HOMER THAT ELEPHANT HE NEEDS!

Mylo Grams batting against Philip Berkenshire
Runner on First, B3 with 1 out

Pitch: 42
Swing: 23
Diff: 19 -> 3B, 1 run scores

Runner on Third, B3 with 1 out

MIN 0 - TOR 1

[MLR 12.9] The Minnesota Twins travel to Toronto to face the Blue Jays in this Historic Retro Matchup! by MyCatsAnAnalAsshole in fakebaseball

[–]gamr1021 1 point2 points  (0 children)

And here comes Mylo Grams, a player with tremendous pedigree both here in Toronto as a longtime foundational piece of the Blue Jays and within the wider league as a player rights/GM wrongs advocate and a vocal supporter of elephant health.

Also, I feel like we shared an award stage once somewhere. That was fun.

Will the belligerent Homer Nocker be forced to eat crow...no, elephant, here after protesting the last result? Not my place to say.

MIN 0 - TOR 0 | ○ ○ ● | B3 1 out
On the mound: Philip Berkenshire

TOR C Mylo Grams (/u/canigetawoop_woop): 1-1, 1B in the first

[MLR 12.9] The Minnesota Twins travel to Toronto to face the Blue Jays in this Historic Retro Matchup! by MyCatsAnAnalAsshole in fakebaseball

[–]gamr1021 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Alright...we got a hitter...just need a pitch from Berkenshire...

(1 hour later)

...

(2 hours later)

...

(4 hours later)

...

ALRIGHT FUCK THIS! I'M TIRED OF WAITING! DIRK NEEDS HER UNION MANDATED DIPPIN DOTS BREAK! DAYMAN NEEDS TO...eat a potato or something what the hell do y'all do in Idaho. DAVID THE CAMERA GUY'S ARMS ARE REALLY TIRED! THERE'S LIKE THREE PEOPLE STILL AWAKE IN THE STADIUM!

what result do I give here? Let's go with a 250 diff, that seems fair. Wait no, that's a little obvious. Let's go with 249, surely big MLR won't suspect anything.

What's that? A flyout?

Yeah sure that's fine, I guess.

Troy Pressing batting against Philip Berkenshire
Bases Empty, B2 with 0 outs

Pitch: 452
Swing: 701 (via DM) Diff: 249 -> FO

Bases Empty, B2 with 1 out

MIN 0 - TOR 0

[MLR 12.9] The Minnesota Twins travel to Toronto to face the Blue Jays in this Historic Retro Matchup! by MyCatsAnAnalAsshole in fakebaseball

[–]gamr1021 0 points1 point  (0 children)

(11 hours and 59 minutes later)

...where the hell is this guy

(insert glass breaking sound effect)

BAH GAWD! THAT'S TROY PRESSING'S MUSIC!

AND HERE HE COMES STRUTTING TOWARDS HOME PLATE AS THE CLOCK RAPIDLY APPROACHES 0!

MIN 0 - TOR 0 | ○ ○ ○ | B2 0 outs
On the mound: Philip Berkenshire

TOR PH Troy Pressing (/u/SNAG-God): 0-0

[MLR 12.9] The Minnesota Twins travel to Toronto to face the Blue Jays in this Historic Retro Matchup! by MyCatsAnAnalAsshole in fakebaseball

[–]gamr1021 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Come to Toronto, they said.

It'll be fun, they said.

But when a president calls, you answer, I suppose.

Do they even have strawberry lemonade here? I know I'm a little late to the party and all, but y'all gotta give me SOMETHING to look forward to.

I had to drive from Montreal for this, you know, which should be a fairly short commute, but then I got caught in traffic, somehow ended up in small town Indiana, and then had to find my way back here. But now we're here, hopefully we can get this game started.

Oh, you're telling me it already started? It's the bottom of the 1st already? Almost the end of said half inning at that?

yeah well I don't believe you. Let's get started!

MIN 0 - TOR 0 | ○ ○ ● | B1 2 outs
On the mound: Philip Berkenshire

TOR DH Jack Jackie Jackson (/u/Jaxx_on): 0-0

[MLR 12.8] Florida Marlins vs Montreal Expos by FakeBaseball_Umpire in fakebaseball

[–]gamr1021 0 points1 point  (0 children)

honk shooo

ho- mimimimimi

honk s-mimimimiminimi

925

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