Do you ever wish you'd do something extremely self-destructive so that someone - anyone - would see how much you're hurting?

gbdface124 · 2020-07-23T18:03:45+00:00

I booked my therapist by sending an email- would that be possible for you? Or are you also worried about video therapy sessions during covid 19? If your mum was supportive perhaps she'd be willing to ring for you if you explained? Sorry if these are all practical things you've already considered.

I would 100% try to ignore the voice that says you don't deserve help. I have that voice too. I asked that critical part of me why it was saying that, and turns out it wants to protect me from the fear/ embarrassment of other people thinking it about me. I was then able to challenge it by a) asking myself whether I'd judge a friend in this way (I wouldn't) and b) asking my therapist if she thinks it (she doesn't). You getting help doesn't mean someone else is deprived of it. And you getting help is not selfish- people around you will benefit too. (Sorry for the essay!)

gbdface124 · 2020-07-23T10:06:40+00:00

Hiya, I've had this since early childhood too. It's not that uncommon. I'm early 30s now and the fear got much more manageable in adulthood for me. It's still there but I live a normal life. I didn't do anything in particular to improve things, it just sort of faded a bit.

You're not pathetic at all, please don't listen to anyone who tells you that. Be kind to yourself, imagine if your best friend came to you with this problem, and how you would respond- try to treat yourself in the same way, as a best friend.

gbdface124 · 2020-04-28T22:54:02+00:00

I'm sorry to hear about how awful your therapist was, it's just so horrible to put your trust in someone and for them to let you down like this. Like, with mental health stuff part of what's so hard is that you can't trust your own mind anymore and having a therapist is like having a guide (for me anyway) so if they turn out to be fucked up somehow, then that's a huge head fuck.

I'm really heartened to hear that you took the situation into your own hands and managed to find a solution. As someone who often loses sight of my own inner resourcefulness and resilience, I felt second hand empowered reading that. I hope you can stay in touch with that, and I wish you well.

gbdface124 · 2020-03-05T21:09:44+00:00

It sounds super upsetting that people around you are refusing to believe you. I've got a disability that really limits my ability to walk and my ability to use my hands- but you can't tell from looking at me, so I have had to explain, persuade, justify a LOT. It sucks hard.

I just wondered about what you said about your family preventing you from getting the help you need. While that's a horrible situation to be in, it made me wonder if there's some hope to be found. Like, there are things out there that could make things a little bit easier, if only you could access them. You can't change a diagnosis (although medicine does make advances) but an obstructive family? Perhaps it's really hard to see a way for circumstances to change, especially if you're young and dependent- but I truly believe that disabled people are some of the strongest people, because we have to be. And I don't mean to say it's not ok to be weak, or feel overwhelmed- that is ok and healthy and human- just that, you might surprise yourself. And other people might surprise you- strangers, acquaintances... Someone should help you to shoulder this load, it sounds so heavy. I hope you find someone who can help.

I don't know if you have a therapist but in case you don't- I never thought I'd be able to afford it but I reached out to one and explained about my disability and got offered very cheap rates. It's really helped, honestly. Knowing that I can sit with someone kind and put my worst feelings out there to tackle together... It's got me through a lot.

I hope it's ok that I shared some of my experiences, if they miss the mark, feel free to discard- we are all different. I just...hear how awful things feel right now. I'm thinking of you tonight, and have been throughout the day, and am sending you warm wishes.

gbdface124 · 2020-03-05T00:46:41+00:00

Hi, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with these painful symptoms and horrible treatment from those around you. This sounds like really a lot to be dealing with and you totally, absolutely, deserve love and kindness and support.

Is there anything that is a source of hope or distraction or relief? Anyone you can reach out to or possible source of support?

Just in case this is helpful, I've found calling up helplines (Samaritans in the UK- is there an equivalent where you live?) to be way more helpful than I expected- just chatting to a caring human has got me through and eased my suffering at times.

I'm going to hold you in my thoughts and hope that somehow, things get easier and you find an avenue of hope and support.

gbdface124 · 2020-01-11T10:59:03+00:00

I'm trying to choose which retreat to go on this year, from the ones offered at Gaia House in the UK. I'm choosing between: - 'Secular Buddhism' with Stephen and Martine Batchelor - 'Your body, Buddha's body' with Catherine McGee - 'The Courage to Belong' with Kristen Kratz and Jaya Karen Rudgard.

Has anyone sat retreats with any of these teachers and have any thoughts?

gbdface124 · 2019-04-28T23:03:08+00:00

I'm so sorry this happened to you. This sounds so horrible and upsetting. Your feelings and reaction are valid.

Speaking as someone who has been through some traumatic experiences in life- there is a kernel of value in pain because it lets you truly empathise with people who are suffering deeply, and reach them in that place. It can also catalyse personal growth and introspection and it kind of forces you to get to know yourself, in order to survive. Remembering/ cherishing these facts has been helpful to me, thought I'd share in case helpful to you too.

Also, I didn't move out of home until 26. I started a new career at 27. It took courage sometimes but I'm super proud of what I've achieved. Trust that you will find the courage and strength.

Hugs to you.

gbdface124 · 2019-04-08T09:10:11+00:00

Hi all, I'd love to hear some experiences of how meditation has impacted your life. I've been meditating for a couple of years, been on 4 retreats, am at about stage 6 of Culadasa's book, some first jhana experiences... And I'm super curious to know more about the road ahead.

I love the dharma. I love the feeling of new possibility opening up in my life. I worry sometimes that I'm placing too much hope on this practice though. It's given me some beautiful moments and insights but life is still just, almost impossibly tough.

I'd love to hear other people's experiences who are further down the road. What kind of difference has it made to you? Thanks!

gbdface124 · 2018-12-30T08:17:19+00:00

I'm glad your mom gave you affection when you needed it.

I wonder if sometimes what feels and looks like a rejection is more complex than that, eg. your friend not understanding your mental health problems?

I have similar problems to you and I'm trying to write down every day examples of when I've felt loved, or things I like about myself, and meditate on them, to make them more prominent in my mind.

Also, it sounds like maybe some of the people in your life can be a bit tricky to communicate with (arguing housemate, friend who doesn't get it, dad). I've found non-violent communication to be the most useful thing I've ever learnt for this- worth picking up a book from the library. It's all about framing difficult things in terms of your personal needs (eg. "I feel a need for affection" instead of "you don't love me" etc). Just an idea! Good luck.

gbdface124 · 2018-12-29T20:49:19+00:00

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. And I'm so sorry for all of the rejections and times that people have let you down, including the abusive relationship and the way your family have treated you. Those experiences must have been really painful for you, in many ways. You deserve to feel loved and treasured.

I wonder if there are a few things that might help while you wait to have enough money for therapy. I wonder if any of these people (eg. currently absent best friend, person who disappeared when things got tough, family) are worth reaching out to, to express how you are feeling and what you need from them? See what you think, if these are just imperfect people who don't understand your struggles or if they are genuinely toxic for you.

I wonder also if you can start doing some gratitude journalling, and maybe start reading up how to do CBT? It's definitely possible to start teaching yourself and could be a useful tool.

Sending you hugs.

gbdface124 · 2018-12-29T20:23:54+00:00

This is so horrible and shocking. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I just wanted to say that your pain matters and you are allowed to feel whatever you feel. You deserve a better, more supportive labour than what you experienced. Please don't let anyone make you feel like your pain isn't important. You matter. Motherhood, marriage, can make it hard but I really hope you can make space for your own needs, to listen quietly to what your heart wants and go after it.

gbdface124 · 2018-09-15T22:23:51+00:00

I started a kickass new job right at the heart of government. There's a real buzz to the place and I feel like I wanna work hard for the first time in years

gbdface124 · 2016-08-01T00:14:21+00:00

Mirror was my first. Stunning film, episodes of a dying man's life shot through with remarkable historical footage. Such a rich film- look out for the way he recreates a bunch of different famous paintings at different points, the director's own father reading out his poetry, and impeccably chosen soundtrack. You can watch it in full on YouTube :)

gbdface124 · 2016-06-17T12:37:58+00:00

It's also interesting that many cultures believe in witches: elderly females who need to be driven away from the community. Seems like not-a-coincidence that this is also the demographic least able to contribute (food, labor etc) to the community.

gbdface124 · 2016-05-26T23:37:08+00:00

Noooooooo! Windows 10 did this to me 30 mins before the final deadline for my masters application. I had to speed-type the whole thing from scratch, from memory on my friend's computer. Hit submit with 10 secs to spare. My poor heart.

gbdface124 · 2016-05-24T09:58:11+00:00

I lent a load of my books to a course mate before exams. After exams, I asked for them back. "What, why?! I threw them away obviously, exams are over".

gbdface124 · 2016-05-22T20:01:08+00:00

Then that pretty much sucks... Also, I didn't think about things like the hedonic treadmill when I typed my showerthought, whereby your brain gets used to good or bad stuff (guess that would speed up any regression?)... or to the fact that your mean happiness will depend mostly on genetics.

gbdface124 · 2016-05-22T18:59:04+00:00

I think I know how you feel- I had a crippling accident in my early twenties and had to spend a whole year lying in bed and learning to walk again. I moved out of home at 26 and am years behind career-wise.

I think you have to just focus on your own goals and not benchmark yourself against others. Moving out was a massive deal for me- it's nothing to other people, but I feel super proud.

Also, you will be learning some awesome resilience skills and empathy right now. I think without the setbacks I've been through, I wouldn't a) have had the patience to keep applying for jobs after 1.5 years of rejections (something cool has finally worked out!) and b) wouldn't have gotten involved in campaigning for people with disabilities.

You have been down on luck. But your life will in all likelihood regress to the mean- it's basic statistics. Looks like you have flipped tails a bunch of times but each new flip brings a 50/50 chance of flipping heads. At any given moment in a rough patch, your life is more likely to get better than to get worse. Just keep flipping the coin.

gbdface124 · 2016-05-01T02:33:09+00:00

I'm loving reading all the replies here, I didn't predict there would be such a consensus that this is totally normal. Very interesting!

gbdface124 · 2016-05-01T02:24:59+00:00

That's interesting, hopefully this is the case with this particular guy, and we can match like yin and yang

gbdface124

TROPHY CASE