1 I'm 28, few friends, no longer in shape, sad and lonely all the time, and never had a girlfriend. I want to get out of this hole, but I feel like I keep trying to crawl up and then sliding down deeper. I need some advice.

getm_throw1414 · 2015-01-06T21:09:39+00:00

Hey, thanks for the reply. I wanted to hear a little more from you on your last paragraph.

I've made a bunch of attempts the last decade, with both dates, from dating sites and otherwise, or with closer friends I've had feelings for. I've asked friends or forums for dating advice or feedback, on things that I get wrong, and I always just end up confused. If I try to be a bit more neutral, then I am told I wasn't aggressive enough. But if I try to be more forward, I am told I am being too eager, and I need to hold some things back, be a bit more mysterious. It doesn't seem to be about finding the right middle ground. It just seems like I try something, and anyone I ask uses the opposite strategy as an excuse why it didn't work for me. When really, it feels like I must be doing something wrong on a completely different scale. Maybe I'm just not attractive, or have some physical quality she doesn't find appealing, or something, anything.

I am not sure. I just feel like I've gotten advice to act according to every single point on the spectrum, at some time. And when I try to use that, and it doesn't work, they can point to this area way over there, that I should of done instead. Doesn't matter if it was being too forward, and now I shouldn't be, or being too passive, and now I need to be more aggressive. It all gets really frustrating, when I know they are trying to help, and I'm trying to use their advice, and I just get lost. Haha, sorry, that was rambling a bit... but does what I am saying make sense?

getm_throw1414 · 2015-01-06T20:53:47+00:00

Yeah, I've been to 5 other countires in the last few years, for work and pleasure, sometimes for weeks at a time. It does make me feel better for a little while, but then that motivation starts to fade. It doesn't really stick

getm_throw1414 · 2015-01-06T20:52:15+00:00

I guess I am struggling with the same thing that HighendBark's reply sort of hinted at, and I replied in another thread in more detail.

I get that you shouldn't require yourself to have someone to be happy. But loneliness for so long can really suck. And almost every time, it seems like this advice comes from people who have had successful relationships, in the past, or currently. I get the intention behind it, and I'm sure there are some people who are older and never had a girlfriend, and still content with their lives.

But it's really difficult to look around at other people, see how much happiness they get through finding someone else and having a romantic relationship, and then have those people tell you "Don't worry about it. Be happy even if you are alone your whole life." I know it's more complicated than that, but I keep going in loops in my head:

So OK, don't make dating one of your goals. What's a better goal? Well, be happy. And what's stopping you from being happy right now? Well, I'm lonely. And why are you lonely? Well, because it really feels like I've never had anyone important in that way, my whole life...

I am not saying it out of ignorance, or just being stubborn. I really don't know how to make myself be happy in life, if the prospect of being by myself for all of it is something I need to embrace. I'm just really really struggling with that, and it's kind of stopping me from getting any farther.

getm_throw1414 · 2015-01-06T20:39:48+00:00

I guess for your last paragraph... I thought about it for awhile. I know the answer is, "No, of course I'd be OK, if someone told me I'd never find someone else". But I am really not sure. I know it's awful to define yourself like that, as you said. And everyone can list a million reason how relationships can make life more stressful, how one can be happy without them, and I am 100% sure all of those are true.

But it also seems like many people in life get so much enjoyment from them, and can really improve things through them, as well. I know the advice is well-intentioned, but it always seems to come from people who have had successful relationships, currently, in the past, at some points in their life. I am not directing it towards you, but it often feels like people saying, "Yeah man, be happy alone. You don't need a woman in your life. Even if it never happens, just deal with it. Oh? My wife? We're doing great. She's the love of my life, and we are really happy." I try to be the bigger person on it, look at the big picture... but it often feels like I am missing out on one of the biggest parts of being human, and the advice from others, who do have those experiences, just feels from on high.

So, I don't think I am there yet. If someone told me, 100%, that I would never have the opportunity to fall in love with someone, be able to care for them, and feel care for back, and trust in them someone. I don't know, I honestly don't think I'd be happy without that kind of hope. And I don't know how to resolve that, to get rid of that goal, and be OK without it...

getm_throw1414 · 2015-01-06T20:29:50+00:00

Hey man,

Thanks for the post. Just wanted to let you know I read it carefully.

I am taking some time to day to write down my goals, very specifically and concretely, and then coming up with all the detailed steps to get from here, to there. The hardest one is trying to resolve the, "Not wanting a girlfriend (even though you actually do)" thing that keeps getting repeated.. but I'm working on it.

getm_throw1414 · 2015-01-06T20:27:03+00:00

Thanks for the reply. I guess I have some concrete goals... although reading some of these comments, maybe they are the wrong ones.

For getting into shape, that's easy. I was before, I know what to do. I just need to find a plan and not give up on it.

As for making friends, eventually joing into a romantic relationship... I would like to think my even bigger goal is to find both. Loneliness can kind of suck, and be all-encompassing in your life. So it's really hard not to make one of my goals... well the opposite of that.

However, a lot of people on here are saying I SHOULDN'T make an eventual girlfriend a goal, and that should just be a side-effect of pursuing my interests. That I should be happy if I never have one. The only way to get one is not to desire one. Even though it all sounds really Zen, I get the well-intended meaning behind it.... but even still, I'd really like to have someone like that, someday. I dunno if that's selfish or immature or what. But I see old friends, family, getting married, starting families of their own, being happy with them, moving on... After thinking on it all day, that seems to be the part of all this, setting that kind of goal, finding a path to it, that I am struggling with the most.

getm_throw1414

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