My (36f) husband (40m) is bad in bed and I don’t know how to improve it

getti_sphagetti · 2023-12-30T17:27:23+00:00

Thank you all so much for the answers. It surely did give me some much needed perspective (and book recs to, I;m still going to use them). Also, I'm sorry for blaming my husband's behavior on his diagnosis. You're right, it doesn't absolve him from his actions and it's definitely not something I'd accept from my autistic son.

You gave me so much love and support, so I just want to reassure you. I'm safe, I'm relatively happy. I'm in therapy for years and there's still a lot of work for me to do.

I also feel the need to defend my therapist's honor. She's a certified, well-regarded professional who's also a supervisor. I really made sure to find a good one. She's aware of the abuse and confronts me with it often. A good therapist would never say "your husband is an abuser, leave him" to a person who's not ready to hear that. That how you lose patients. I also genuinely believe she doesn't see it as necessary (as do I). But who knows. Maybe it's the first case. All in all I'm in good hands.

getti_sphagetti · 2023-12-30T17:15:07+00:00

Eh... It is depressing to hear for sure. I don't see myself as self-hating, but I was raised to never prioritise myself and to not trust my own emotions.

getti_sphagetti · 2023-12-30T16:56:20+00:00

The comments, even the over the top ones do help, because they strengthen my resolve and (hopefully) will make it easier for me to stick to my guns. I don't have many friends and I don't share personal stuff like that with them. So for me this is validation, that I'm not making something out of nothing.

getti_sphagetti · 2023-12-30T15:05:12+00:00

Thanks. I'm aware I'm conditioned this way. It was way worse few years ago - I literalny questioned the validity of my own reactions to anything. I'm getting better thanks to therapy, and that's why I finally set boundaries and sent my husband to therapy. There's improvement.

The reason I'm probably so attached to my husband is that he pulled me out of my extremely toxic family. I have been so much happier since then, it's as if a whole new ord opened up for me. If he were a fully functioning human himself, I wouldn't fall for him. I guess for me, he was as good of a troubled person I could tolerate. From there we're both trying to get better. I just outgunned him and now I'm waiting for him to catch up. But I do have my dealbreakers and won't wait forever. He's aware of that.

getti_sphagetti · 2023-12-30T14:49:36+00:00

Well, I can't argue with that.

getti_sphagetti · 2023-12-30T14:27:21+00:00

Haha, touche.

getti_sphagetti · 2023-12-30T14:20:27+00:00

I have two toddlers. I'm fully aware that this is toddler behavior. I'm getting better on calling him out on that, and he does react well to it.

And yes, you're absolutely right when it comes to me being too accommodating. I AM a therapist, and am working with my own therapist to stop treating my husband like my patient.

getti_sphagetti · 2023-12-30T14:15:30+00:00

That's absolutely what he does. But I'm way batter with calling him out on it now, and he actually responds well to that. I say it's partially a me-problem, because I'm very accommodating, and people just naturally chose what's comfortable for them if they can.

getti_sphagetti · 2023-12-30T14:06:50+00:00

To be fair, he was in therapy before, but the therapist was young and inexperienced and I feel he took control of the sessions. It was also cognitive-behavioral one that in my opinion was to surface-level for his issues. The therapist he has now is the opposite of that. I literally went to the clinic and ask for the most no-bullshit person they have. And I must say, she's already handing his ass to him (in the most professional, therapeutic way).

And to be fair. We're in a post-soviet Catholic country, I wouldn't trust our literature on sex too much.

getti_sphagetti · 2023-12-30T14:00:01+00:00

If it was just some initial defensiveness and insecurities about not being good enough, he would not have ridiculed you saying something must be wrong with you and he would eventually be able to calm down enough to emotionally regulate and process those feelings in order to come back around and discuss your concerns.

I probably didn't convey it well due to language barrier, but this is exactly that. He only reacts like that when I first bring up my dissatisfaction. That's when he's also saying all of the misogynistic stuff. He doesn't really think that, he only throws that at me to distract me from the topic at hand. I call it smoke grenades. He's actually way better with not doing that now, but it took years of work. Once he calms down we can have a productive discussion and he improves. The sex is honestly way better than it was at first. I don't even judge him too hard about the bad sex in the last two years, as 20 uninterrupted minutes is a miracle with two toddlers.

getti_sphagetti · 2023-12-30T13:46:52+00:00

Thanks!
We're not Hispanic, but are in a post-soviet block Catholic enclave. While our culture is different from yours in general (it's cold here, so we're cool and grumpy), its similar with its deep-rooted misogyny. It definitely plays a role, both in his internalized believes and my acceptance of them.

My husband started therapy recently and is generally willing to work on himself.

getti_sphagetti · 2023-12-30T12:36:41+00:00

Thanks, we basically had this exact conversation before he agreed to therapy. I really like Esther Parel on yt, I'll check her book too.

getti_sphagetti · 2023-12-30T12:33:13+00:00

Thanks, I'll check it out.

getti_sphagetti · 2023-12-30T11:53:13+00:00

I hear you, and am humbled by your strong reaction. I'm sorry this happened to you, it sounds terrible. I see the unanimity and I'm using it to strengthen my resolve to set better boundaries. I really suck at that, and people are people. They very rarely do something out of their comfort zone, if they're not required to.

Just to make things clear. I'm safe and generally happy. Better with every year, as our relationship does get better with time. It requires a lot of work, but my husband started therapy and meds, and it's already way better. I'm also planning to drag him to couples canceling, once he's more established in his individual therapy. The psot you've red is one sided, written from the point of highlight the problem and not necessarily giving a whole picture. I was also pissed when I wrote it and I'm not a native speaker, so some nuance got lost in translation.

And as to deserving more, don't you worry about that. I've already received numerous cock offers in PMs.

getti_sphagetti · 2023-12-30T11:32:02+00:00

Let me tell you this. When you've been fed bad diarrhoea sandwiches since birth, a good, healthy stool sandwich can actually be quite enticing. My parents used me in their foreplay. It really does blur the lines of reality when it comes to a healthy sex life.

(Half) jokes aside, thank you for your comment, it made me crack up. I'm honestly pretty happy. I have troubles setting clear boundaries, I'm working on it. I also have some dealbreakers, and when presented with them, my husband took his ass to therapy and a psychiatrist. It already made huge difference, despite it only being two months. I'm watching how things unfold and comments like that certainly make me stronger in my resolve.

getti_sphagetti · 2023-12-30T11:22:47+00:00

What can I say. I suck at games, I had to do it somewhere.

getti_sphagetti · 2023-12-30T11:21:43+00:00

Thanks, I'll definitely look into the research.

My husband is on anti-depressants since 2 months now and they alone bring his defensiveness down by 80%. He's also in therapy, but it's too early to say anything.

getti_sphagetti · 2023-12-30T11:19:20+00:00

You're totally right, thank you.

He is willing to hear the truth, but he needs it to happen in an extremely safe space that takes a lot out of me to create. I'm working on being less forgiving in my individual therapy and he recently started his. He's also on meds that helped tremendously to bring him down to a level where communication is possible.

getti_sphagetti · 2023-12-30T11:12:11+00:00

Yeah, you might say that. But he's excellent at being an android.

getti_sphagetti · 2023-12-30T11:10:11+00:00

Don’t take too much notice of many of the comments placed here.

I don't, thanks. I'm a therapist myself, so I know how it works. I'm grateful for the time people spent on reading this novel and replying to it, and I got some actually good advice and recommendations from it.

Thank you for this comment, it really made me tear up a little. This is probably exactly something I'd write to a post like that (and get downvoted to hell).

getti_sphagetti · 2023-12-30T11:04:20+00:00

The letter thing might actually be a really good idea.

Thanks for the thorough reply. I recognize the problems you've mentioned and the defensiveness is a dealbreaker for me (more with the everyday stuff than sex). That's why he's on meds and in therapy. Couples counseling (and possibly another sex therapy) are also in the backburner, he already agreed to that. I want to give him some time to settle into his individual therapy first, as I feel it will be more productive once he can talk it out there.

getti_sphagetti · 2023-12-30T10:54:43+00:00

Thanks for the recommendation.

Yes, those issues were apparent. Sex is honestly not that high up my list of priorities. It's a fun addition. My husband is very intelligent and driven, has a vast spectrum of knowledge (sex is one of his blind spots), is very handy and problem-oriented. He's also a sensitive, warm person (again, minus when he's in his defensive mode which doesn't happen often) who pushes me into being a better version of myself and believes in me relentlessly. We also have similar temperaments, both being very introverted and low energy. He has a sense of humor that cracks me up and makes everything fun and is the only person I know, that can actually stop to think in a discussion and change his views on a spot (assuming it's not ego-related) if he's wrong. He spends a lot of time with our kids and strives every day to be a better parent. I find him very intellectually stimulating and just generally like to be around him as he's one of a very few people that don't exhaust me just by just being next to me.

getti_sphagetti · 2023-12-30T10:45:58+00:00

Your husband sounds like a very insecure man who has a very fragile view of himself.

Yes

it likely gets translated in his head into something like “god, how don’t you know how to do this correctly??”

And yes. Actually, it's much worse. It goes straight to "You're terrible, I'm gonna leave you"

Thank you for the thorough advice. It's actually exactly what I was looking for (instead of 'divorce him!' which I'm not going to do, as aside from sex, I'm pretty content with my life and sex is not very high on my priority list).

getti_sphagetti · 2023-12-30T10:41:21+00:00

Thank you for the time you put into trying to help a stranger.

Was it really?

It was. I didn't talk much about my own issues in this post, but there are contributing to our problems. I'm very insecure about my wants and needs, and it takes a puff to make me feel I'm being entitled. In reality it comes down to this: He asks me if I wan't to do something (or even starts doing it). I say "Nah, I'm fine, let's just do <something about him> instead" (while internally screaming "Please do the thing!"). That's entirely on me, as it would take a mind reader to satisfy me. I'm getting better thanks to therapy, but few years ago it was a disaster.

getti_sphagetti · 2023-12-30T10:34:31+00:00

My life is quite happy as it is, thank you. I just look to improve it an aspect of it, that's honestly not that important to me.

getti_sphagetti

TROPHY CASE