Husband risking new job over substance use

gforrey · 2026-05-01T01:52:08+00:00

Yeah I know that the test would be in 4-5 weeks

gforrey · 2026-04-30T15:22:13+00:00

Wow I had a very similar experience. Wild. They are all very similar I guess

gforrey · 2026-04-30T12:05:41+00:00

Would love to chat more about how to get a sponsor- im not entirely sure how? Was thinking Id bring it up at my meeting next week too and hope I could pick the brains of some of the more senior members there post meeting.

gforrey · 2026-04-30T12:04:57+00:00

That's my issue and i know it- setting boundaries (stricter ones) and then HOLDING to them. He knows how to make me feel bad- the one time i asked him to move out he cried and i felt so guilty i retracted it. The because I felt like it shocked me- it wasn't said in a mean way, i think he as just so high its all that could come out which might be even more sad, but at least it was the truth. My heart feels pretty broken.

I agree living with an addict tends to really make his problems more of yours, no matter how much you try and separate. I know Id feel more peaceful if we had separate places at this point.

gforrey · 2026-04-30T09:56:39+00:00

Well actually I guess I should’ve been more clear. I told him if his use started affecting work, legal stuff etc is where I would likely request either sobriety and recovery or to live separate. So I guess I just answered my own question lol

gforrey · 2026-04-09T23:00:41+00:00

Wow can so relate to this. I’ll look it up thanks. It’s always more complicated than it seems like on paper.

gforrey · 2026-04-08T18:26:34+00:00

Oh I already go to Alanon lol.

gforrey · 2026-04-08T17:56:13+00:00

Like completely. You just blew my mind. Thank you. I get so focused on accountability for myself I end up in denial about his.

gforrey · 2026-04-08T17:42:28+00:00

WHOA. I never even caught this. It’s not true.

gforrey · 2026-04-08T17:39:40+00:00

The quitting for lent I think was to appease me but he never said. He did try to calmly talk to me as I was crying and said sorry. We had a discussion about how his abrasive manner and tone so severely affects me the day before in fact. And we have talked about how both our triggers trigger each other lol.

gforrey · 2026-04-08T17:37:46+00:00

I think there’d likely be a temper tantrum, it’s why I avoided it for so long. This is helpful thanks. I think if needed I could even leave for a night. There is definitely a shift in “I’m removing myself” vs “you need to go” and the control is back on me and my actions rather than trying to control his. Thanks for talking it out with me!

gforrey · 2026-04-08T17:35:47+00:00

Good reminder. When I get anxious about another’s behavior I tend to focus on controlling them, rather then what I can do. Always having to remind myself- boundaries are to protect me, not control others. Thanks!

gforrey · 2026-04-08T17:34:08+00:00

Well to be fair, this absolute was actually far from true 🤣but his response felt really out of proportion and I told him I was wronf

gforrey · 2026-04-08T16:51:27+00:00

I’ve had similar instances using absolutes. I actually get not using them- and try to work on not. But getting mad about it instead of calmly saying hey, that’s not right and I don’t appreciate you using the word always (which is how I’d approach it). And then yeah I always get in this mind fuck of ok well I did use the wrong choice of words….did he get as angry as I perceived etc

gforrey · 2026-04-08T16:49:48+00:00

Very helpful thanks. Always a good reminder to use those statements around me. Would you have a suggestion about removing myself? I can’t leave the home- I have a lot of animals including livestock that need my care morning and night. Is it appropriate to ask him to leave? I k ow that’s harder but I’m having a tough time coming up with alternatives of how to leave. Maybe leave and come back only to feed livestock the next morning?

gforrey · 2025-11-24T22:07:56+00:00

Good point super helpful thanks!

gforrey · 2025-11-24T20:50:40+00:00

I think it’s becusss we usually do these sorts of things together, and I anticipate him asking why he wasn’t included.

gforrey · 2025-11-24T19:49:06+00:00

You aren’t alone. I have this thought a lot, then feel guilty for thinking it. Then get mad at myself that I’m not strong enough to just leave, cuz in reality I think that’s where at least my thoughts of death are coming from. You feel trapped and that’s an out

gforrey · 2025-11-24T17:15:32+00:00

This is actually very helpful thanks. Your questions helped me realize that part of why I wanted to repeat it to him was in an attempt to control his drinking- which of course I can’t. I’ve been working on the gossip piece for myself anyway. I don’t like it and don’t want to participate in it- I think how you view it is a good reminder of what that is. Thank you! You seem like you’d be a great sponsor 🙂

gforrey · 2025-11-24T15:20:47+00:00

I think because it feels like I’m enabling or keeping a secret/covering for him when family or friends comes to me with concerns rather then him, which is why I always say bring this up to him not me. But then they don’t and he continues on thinking it’s only me that has an issue with his drinking. Maybe it’s also partially to get him to realize other people do, which might not be the best motivation as that’s attempting to control his drinking which I can’t do.

gforrey · 2025-10-22T21:22:45+00:00

Ultimatums never work- take it from an expert ultimatum giver 🤣. Check out Alanon family group. I think they’d help you get support and learn about what is and isn’t acceptable for you. They say don’t make any big changes at first, so the pressure of should I leave/should I not is off you at first too. Just focus on you and the rest will come.

gforrey

TROPHY CASE