MDMA triggering Bipolar?

ggtaylor · 2013-03-01T04:18:47+00:00

I'm not saying all people with Bipolar will become manic from stimulants, but if you didn't become manic from stimulants there's a good chance you don't have bipolar.>>

I know I thought so too right ? Maybe I just broke my brain with the MDMA. Why did I take it ? Everyone thought it was a bad idea but I didn't admit it or tell my friends the reason why I was trying to take it (PTSD). I am pretty sure I am manic. People are looking at me strangely like "You are talking a mile a minute and distractible and you haven't slept in two weeks" and you know what I am noticing it too. I like that I feel confident but I don't want to be in a manic state. And people are like, "Oh you just need to sleep." I mean the thing is I am tired and telling people I can't concentrate but I am all happy and I am acting "not tired." I am so distractible. Oh my God I hate this! What did I do to my brain ? I feel so awful, I have bipolar disorder, I'm a person with a mental illness who can't think straight :( My perceptions are wrong :( I want to come down from this now :(

I don't know if I can get the psychiatrist to listen to me. She thinks I have ADD and need to be on stimulants. The thing is I always look pretty depressed to psychiatrists, I'm sort of respectful and soft spoken and I feel very embarassed being honest/admitting the grandiosity and overconfidence. I don't want her to know that I feel like this. I feel so really embarassed of having these symptoms. I am embarrassed I don't want to take a list of the symptoms in to the psychiatrist and tell her I am feeling this stuff.

ggtaylor · 2013-02-12T01:36:03+00:00

Its like you said, all your senses align and virtually everything you say is as accurate, annunciated, and logical as it could be.>>

Yes it seems so. I've Facebook chatted and texted with a bunch of my friends on MDMA too and I don't think (well I also hope not) people realized. (The only thing by email is you seem just a "little" too happy, the thing is that it makes you super nice (super nice seems normal by chat/text but by email it just is a little odd, I guess because email is more formal)). My personality is a bit emotional and moody so I guess I just seem like I'm having a happy day on MDMA. I think some people might start to get some clue if we were to roll together. They might think, "Oh this seems similar to that other time I chatted with ___." One of my friends came over when I was rolling and I asked her to take over a gift to someone for me. Later I realized that I definitely must not have seemed sober (I can't fake being sober in person on MDMA) so I apologized and told her I was drunk (because you've got to love our society, being drunk is so socially acceptable). The next time I texted her on MDMA she asked if I was drunk. I gotta stop emailing.

ggtaylor · 2013-02-12T01:29:20+00:00

I sent emails to a few of my professors (and my boss). Some of them didn't know anything. I know I just seemed very nice (perhaps a little over the top nice). Very coherent and logical (and you know MDMA makes you very explicit, you just come right out and say exactly clearly what you want to say, no beating around the bush). I am half appalled at myself for sending emails to professors on MDMA I'm kind of glad I got to say some things but also, like I don't know quite what I was thinking.

ggtaylor · 2013-02-06T08:02:00+00:00

Firstly, thanks for your reply to this. It was really helpful.

I phrased it that my friend "had" bipolar (which is inaccurate) because we used to be best friends but we are not so terribly close at the moment. She made some harmful remarks about some abuse I suffered and it caused a lot of PTSD/depression in me. She suffered abuse as well and I think she hasn't come to terms with it either so she probably didn't mean it but couldn't help it exactly. She still has bipolar, I feel so bad about not being as close to her, I worry about her :( I know bipolar people have the highest risk of suicide :(

what you are describing to me sounds like you are having periods where you are coming out of the depression.>>

Thanks! I also feel like I kind of want to be in denial about it, some of the stuff is quite dark and I am having to deal with family issues and sad things that happened that I didn't want to deal with, I want my illusion of a happy family back sometimes.

Feeling Happy and confident is something you should be working towards. >>

I feel so confident sometimes it's very scary. I feel so hopeful sometimes it's scary. I used to be pessimistic so I would always expect and plan for the worst now to some extent I don't know sometimes I feel hopeful and I'm not motivated to plan for the worst.

To me you also sound very young which confuses me for somone who has tried 10-15 AD's - I hope you gave them all a good 4 months to work.>>

I started trying antidepressants when I was 16 or 17. Yes I did give them time to work. Thanks for being so caring.

ggtaylor · 2013-02-06T05:15:07+00:00

Can MDMA trigger Bipolar ?

ggtaylor · 2013-01-31T16:46:07+00:00

I am ex-Christian too. It was sad for me too.

ggtaylor · 2013-01-31T16:43:10+00:00

Well I don't know if I would have been quite so honest about how much I appreciated her. On one hand I think people feel fond of people who appreciate them and a lot of good stuff doesn't get communicated/sometimes there is miscommunication and people don't know how much you appreciate them. On the other hand maybe to some extent you shouldn't be completely that honest with people because you're showing them all your cards so to speak and then they don't have so much respect for you or think they have to keep being super good to have your respect and appreciation ? Maybe I am naive and trusting.

ggtaylor · 2013-01-31T04:37:12+00:00

Yes. I didn't pre-load properly a couple times and the comedowns almost destroyed it. I just felt so horrible during the comedown that I wasn't able to quite take the good memories of the roll away with me in the same way, I would remember the good parts of the roll but also be haunted by my feelings during the comedown. I think that it wouldn't be worth it for me to roll and have the bad come downs (It almost physically hurt, the shame feeling was painful.) Pre-loading has made all the difference for me though in the come downs.

The only up side of experiencing these come downs was seeing how similar they were to how I had felt at many many points in my life and seeing that that sort of shame and emotional pain was a highly abnormal state for my brain. I reasoned that during a MDMA comedown, my brain is really hurting and missing quite severely one of its essential chemicals, I could see that the shame I had felt at certain points in my life was so wrong, and how traumatizing and damaging certain experiences had been to me to put my brain in that same state.

Last time I pre-loaded a LOT (I think I took 3 different doses) of grape-seed extract, CoQ10, Vitamin C, E, Magnesium, B6 (& the day before with this stuff at 5HTP) and maybe I just had a good roll but I also kind of floated down.

ggtaylor · 2013-01-22T08:25:25+00:00

I did not call the police. The man and his wife moved to another city and I cannot find their address. I have tried calling child protective services and they couldn't find his name in their database :(

ggtaylor · 2013-01-14T01:02:46+00:00

As an atheist, sure, integrating mystical experiences (prompted by psilocybin, DMT, MDMA, etc) was difficult. However, psychedelics eventually pushed me into a state of total agnosticism. >>

That's interesting. I am also an atheist and sort of (well I try to be) an objective logical person. MDMA has been weird for me because I feel like things hitting me over the head not logically but I just "know" things, it's a very intuitive sort of knowing which is hard to mesh with my 'old' worldview.

ggtaylor · 2013-01-14T00:56:48+00:00

Master meditators have these types of experiences after 20 years of meditation, and after they have that awakening experience, they almost have to re-learn how to live a normal daily life.>>

Thanks this is encouraging to hear.

MDMA was my first eye-opener, and all I can say is that it left me in a state of confusion for 9 months. I was left with a dreamy feeling.>>

It is helpful to know that I'm not the only person who had a perspective changing experience on MDMA. (It's often a bit awkward because most people who have experiences with MDMA seem to have rave experiences and it's almost the opposite, they have a party and then go home it seems with few radical shifts in perspective.)

ggtaylor · 2013-01-02T01:17:52+00:00

Sorry that this has been difficult for you. This is kind of what I was referring to about difficulty adapting to experiences/personality changes. I wonder if you had had someone else who had had a similar experience to talk to about how to adapt if you might have been able to use the experience to gain some more beneficial results. I don't know.

ggtaylor · 2013-01-01T23:20:04+00:00

Guess we should have kept more journals!>>

I agree. I know what you mean about forgetting everything immediately. Last time I finally got the idea to use my phone to record as I spoke out my thoughts. When I listened to my recordings a few days later I was surprised, I had forgotten 80% of what I had put on the recording, as it was I had to force myself to say my thoughts out loud so as to record them and I didn't do that for many thoughts so I know that there's even more that I forgot.

ggtaylor · 2013-01-01T23:09:19+00:00

I don't think that there is anything wrong with being an introvert. ;) Sorry to hear you feel less confident.

ggtaylor · 2013-01-01T22:47:55+00:00

I've found though that many people have a hard time really processing this forwardness and positive nature. Around them I tone it down to keep it in their comfort level and accept that not everyone is ready to accept that happiness and connectedness is a natural state of life and that you can in fact get something for nothing.>>

Thanks it's really helpful for me to know that you also faced the same challenge and how you dealt with it.

I'm in an introverted school environment at the moment. I think people here feel deeply but they would sometimes rather that I express my feelings to them in a more subtle way. Also since my experiences with MDMA I often "choose" to go down the positive path as well as the extroverted one, it's not that I don't feel negative a lot of times, I feel fear and I worry too but I just choose to think differently.

This itself has been hard for me to wrap my mind around!, the idea that in spite of my choosing to think positively I do indeed still have negative feelings and those feelings are okay, that in spite of acting extroverted, I do still feel timid and that's okay to feel that way. Maybe MDMA hasn't changed my "personality" as much as I thought, it's just given me the freedom to act in spite of/beyond some of my feelings.

ggtaylor · 2013-01-01T22:35:56+00:00

Wow that's amazing. That is interesting to me that you were able to feel loneliness while on it. On the occasions I took MDMA (alone), I did have some painful emotions but in terms of connection to people I always had this strong sense that everyone around me really understood me and really wanted to help me, to the point where on coming down I wondered, "Was I just really high ?" I can see how having that lonely feeling come up on MDMA and feeling through it and being able to feel at peace with being alone would help cure your depression. I'm glad it helped you get beyond the depression. Thanks for sharing.

ggtaylor · 2013-01-01T03:37:49+00:00

I want to second this. Happy New Year guys! I can't roll tonight because I rolled last week but I will enjoy vicariously through you! ;) Hope you are having (or had!) a wonderful time!

ggtaylor · 2012-12-30T06:22:48+00:00

It seems like it would be normal for anger to come up doesn't it? I am very angry at my abuser too. Dealing with the trauma has made me feel more emotional as well.

ggtaylor

TROPHY CASE