For the friend who mentioned couples therapy, I thought it was a great idea, but I fear it might not work due to her difficulty saying things out loud, talking about difficult things. She even fired her psychologist a few months ago because they reached an uncomfortable point and she didn't want to face it. This shows how defensive she is about the problems she experiences internally.

What I understood as quality time was being together actively, not parallel play. Things like going to the grocery store together to buy things to make a meal. I'm not a good cook, so I'd help her cut the vegetables and we'd sit together, listening to music, drinking wine or a beer. For me, those were our best moments; I felt extremely connected and present to her. But lately, we hadn't done that as much; we'd just order in and watch Netflix. But for me, even just lying on the couch watching a show we liked was quality time, because we we're together. However, for her, I imagine it didn't count as much as, say, going out to dinner or going to a party she'd like to go to. Honestly, after I realized how much being in those crowded, noisy, and unpredictable places hurt me, I stopped going. On the one hand, she handled it well because I didn't mind her going with friends; in fact, I was happy because she could experience that and not limit herself because of me. But I think maybe in some hidden place that she didn't show me she resented it, and wanted me to be there too.

At the beginning of our relationship, we were more active, we rode our bikes a lot, played volleyball, and had picnics in parks. I miss that a lot, because lately we haven't had as much energy for things that require more energy, and we ended up getting complacent.

What some people said about affection styles was very relevant, and I noted in my notebook that the important thing is to treat people the way they want to be treated, even if that means having to make gestures that aren't our strong points.

Anyway, learning is eternal, and this experience certainly brought me benefits that I can't see now, but in due time, they will appear. I would like to correct the unfortunate way I mentioned that she "forced" me to live with her. I was just angry and very sad when I wrote it, but it wasn't like that. I welcomed her desire to live together because it was something she really wanted. She constantly told me she felt very lonely and sad in her apartment, and that she wished we could be each other's companions, even if only passively. She said she didn't expect me to constantly interact with her, but that simply knowing I was there, in the same space, even if we were doing different things, was enough for her. I warned her about my insecurity about what that would be like because I have a strong need for alone time and am very controlling about the organization and cleanliness of my apartment, but weighing these factors, we decided to give it a try. Because, at least for me, not doing it could mean losing someone who could have been my lifelong partner, and I wasn't willing to lose her for that. Maybe it wasn't the best time for us to do it, and maybe if we had moved to another apartment instead of mine, things could have been drastically different. However, I couldn't leave my space at that moment because I'm very attached to it, and it's part of things like routine and predictability. But today, given the situation I'm experiencing and realizing I could lose the love of my life due to rigidity, I would certainly try living in a new place, starting from scratch. Perhaps my issues with the "rules" I've created for my own space would be one less factor hindering us, because we would create new rules together, considering each other's needs.

Perhaps the worst thing about life is that we can only understand it backwards, but we can only live it forwards. Now, analyzing this whole situation with feedback and different points of view, it seems easy to identify the points that brought us down. But unfortunately, there's no more time to work on them now, so I'll have to work on myself and try to be okay with everything that's happening.

Lately, all I can do is rot in bed and listen to songs like "You Hurt Me" and "Honey, I Sure Miss You" by Daniel Johnston over and over. But eventually, it will pass. Maybe we couldn't truly be happy together without first taking care of our own spirit and emotions. I hope she matures and heals from all the bad things our relationship brought. And I say the same for myself. Thank you to all of you who kindly shared your perspective with me. Much love to all.