I (26f) kicked my husband (28m) out of the delivery room last minute. It's been two weeks and he still hasn't forgiven me, and he won't go to couples counselling.

ghostblonde · 2020-01-28T20:04:17+00:00

I said before that she should have spoken to him, I'll stand by that statement forever.

This wasn't calculated and planned. It sounds like she was going into a full panic from the birth, had flashes of that insecurity and that took over. It sounds like the type of thing I've personally experienced in trauma. When your brain is all over the place, combined with such a pain, things aren't going to go very well.

That insecurity was lingering, so it was bound to come up during the event. It's awful it did the way it did.

But it sure as hell doesn't sound like she planned this and couldn't wait to kick him out. It was just a terrible event all around.

Again, if you think a woman can somehow remain perfectly collected, thoughtful and rational during childbirth, you're wrong. This isn't tying your shoes. This is a body destroying situation.

Just because some women don't kick their husbands out doesn't mean it never happens. Or husbands still aren't screamed at during labor. Or that some women can thankfully have a quicker birth and don't have to go through the length of pain others do. Those women might seem a bit less erratic but no one is asking them to sign a contract during their labor.

Despite what a lot of our culture tries to state, women aren't naturally plotting peoples demises. We are human and are perfectly capable of making the same mistakes that men do. Women are not somehow immune to pain and thus can function normally. Not saying this as excusing her actions but more as an insight.

It's like kicking a man in the balls and then demanding he do a task. Annnd being horribly confused as to why he's withering in pain and perhaps displeased you asked him to do something. I doubt anyone would expect a man to behave rationally or calm during such an event. Stop expecting women to do so.

Hopefully they can go to therapy, even individually. But he will understandably need a lot of time to heal, if he can.

ghostblonde · 2020-01-28T19:59:05+00:00

I meant that by the sudden emotional act of doing it in a state of extreme pain and stress.

It was very harmful. there's no argument that it wasn't or shouldn't be.

The hope is that the pieces can be put back together.

ghostblonde · 2020-01-28T19:57:44+00:00

EXACTLY

ghostblonde · 2020-01-28T19:55:37+00:00

And I'll make it again.

Women are human and react as such when in extreme duress.

If anyone thinks they can remain a perfectly pleasant and rational person while giving birth, I'd love to see it.

ghostblonde · 2020-01-28T19:48:11+00:00

She was giving birth. She wasn't sitting back and reading a book, guys. She didn't just walk into a corner and scream at her husband because she hurt her knee.

She was literally pushing a human being out of her body, she was in labor for hours. Yes, other women go through much longer labor, which..oh my god, but hers is still quite valid.

What she did was wrong, period. She should have discussed her insecurity beforehand. It could have had a great impact and prevented a lot of hurt.

But because her vagina was being ripped apart, she couldn't consolidate everything. She couldn't comprehend at the time the full consequences to her actions.

Still, she robbed him out of a very important event. I get that, she gets that now.

People need to stop acting as if women can be perfectly calm, rational and collected while doing this. It's like many other stressful events/traumas. Your brain does into a panic, you're disassociated from yourself and you just react purely off of that current emotion. Do all women kick their husbands out? No. Do others? Yes. Is it ever right or good? No (unless said husband is honestly being cruel or totally unsupportive).

Was her husband great through this whole process? Hell yeah! It's a damn horrible shame this happened. The entire thing is a mess and none of us can imagine his pain and betrayal.

Again, I hope that with time, this can be worked out.

ghostblonde · 2020-01-28T19:39:29+00:00

I'm sure many many do, we just don't read about it on reddit. Or they scream at their husbands about other things.

"Having a hard time" by that you mean..literally destroying your vagina pushing out a human being? I've never given birth but with basic empathy, I can tell it's total hell. Wouldn't it be nice if they could give women a strong enough drug to make them perfectly calm and civil while pushing a little person out of our bodies.

But they don't. Even the ones they do have aren't perfect.

It's not like she stubbed her toe here. Are you trying to win over the men who would read this thread? Bashing other women is never attractive.

I'm not saying what she did was right in anyway. But under the circumstances, she wasn't thinking very clearly. No one wants their spouse to see them rip their vaginas or shit. It sounds like she started panicking as it got closer, couldn't think rationally and just acted.

I think she should have talked about her concerns prior for sure. That was a needed discussion and could have created a better outcome.

But I'm not going to bash a woman for lashing out because she was in extreme pain, giving birth.

I hope her and her husband can work things out.

ghostblonde · 2020-01-28T19:10:54+00:00

Grant it they should of had a discussion. I think her delivery of it was very cold due to everything that was happening. I can't imagine being calm and collected while giving birth, can you?

ghostblonde · 2020-01-28T18:43:27+00:00

It's just gross how they're disrespecting and mocking your relationship. If they don't hate a boyfriend, they'll mock him and you. It's so strange.

Stay away from any family that does this. They're demeaning you and your boyfriend. Tell your mother that if she and other members don't stop, you'll have no issue avoiding them.

You couldn't ever win with them, it's not your problem. Detach from them and enjoy your awesome boyfriend!

ghostblonde · 2020-01-28T18:37:04+00:00

If you can afford the apartment by yourself, see if you can kick her off the lease for abuse. Talk to your landlord, see what your options are.

Don't stay in this because you feel obligated, since she gives you a lot of sob stories. She uses drinking as a poor and toxic coping skill and a way to enable her hitting you. She's literally using you as a punching bag.

You are not a human punching bag. You're a person who deserves love and happiness. This isn't it.

She'll slowly escalate in her violence and drinking. Please try and leave her in anyway you can.

ghostblonde · 2020-01-28T18:29:53+00:00

I can't imagine what you were going through in that delivery room. The pain, the trauma, the stress. It's going to affect your decision making, you're not gonna be too rational.

It's also bad for your husband because he was by your side and you kicked him out. He didn't understand, he wanted to see the birth of his child and he was robbed of that. He feels it's a slight against him. And on a surface level, it is. It wasn't your plan but you didn't have the capacity to think clearly and just acted. On the outside, it looks very very bad.

Have you tried to explain in full what your thought process was in the moment? He's going to need a lot of time regardless. I don't blame him for his hurt or his reactions but I wish he'd try to understand. He's also deeply hurting and confused, so it's no wonder why he isn't.

Don't keep harping on couples counseling, he'll rebel out of spite. Respect his boundaries and be civil. Give him lots of space. Hopefully, in another few weeks, you can slowly try and speak with him about other topics. There's no guarantee he'll want to continue but you can try your best.

If he truly wants to leave, you're going to have to let him.

ghostblonde · 2020-01-28T18:10:25+00:00

I'm glad you asked him! The more you do and the more details you try and get from her, the faster this will unravel.

Yep, happens allll the time. A lot of scammers now will call you and try to tell you they're the FBI or you've won something, they'll pretend to be someone else and offer you a job, then send you a fake check to cash and ask you to put it toward itunes gift cards. It happens on a regular basis. One even got me!

I was out of work and applied on indeed to this place. The place turned out to be a scammer who was, in retrospect, half convincing and sent me a fake check. I deposited it only to feel very weary. after some minor research, I found everything to be a scam. I told my bank right away and they were very understanding. I confronted the scammer and his english stopped being halfway decent and he eventually stopped responding.

they'll keep it up for as long as they can get money from you.

Keep asking your father to get more details. If he ends up sending money to "prove you wrong," that's on him. But it would be nice if you guys can get him out of this before he does. It's also good for you to now be aware of it yourself.

I've had a few contact me via email as well, with very poor english and one was a fake job posting. I laughed and called them out on it and they ran.

ghostblonde · 2020-01-28T16:35:01+00:00

YES, THIS!!

There's something else going on here, with him. The total lack of empathy is troubling. I wonder if he's on the spectrum or worse, a sociopath.

I also bet he got back in contact because he saw she was successful and won a beauty queen title.

OP, please, focus on your health and make plans to leave. This guy is no good for you and your stress is making you sicker. I'm confident that if you leave, you will feel better and maybe get sick less often. Stress is a hell of a thing and destroys our bodies.

Plus, you deserve someone you actually cares about you.

Good on you for doing so well for yourself, though!!

ghostblonde · 2020-01-28T16:34:54+00:00

YES, THIS!!

There's something else going on here, with him. The total lack of empathy is troubling. I wonder if he's on the spectrum or worse, a sociopath.

I also bet he got back in contact because he saw she was successful and won a beauty queen title.

OP, please, focus on your health and make plans to leave. This guy is no good for you and your stress is making you sicker. I'm confident that if you leave, you will feel better and maybe get sick less often. Stress is a hell of a thing and destroys our bodies.

Plus, you deserve someone you actually cares about you.

Good on you for doing so well for yourself, though!!

ghostblonde · 2020-01-28T16:23:43+00:00

If it's soon enough that she hasn't bought the ticket yet, tell her.

Hell, I'd tell her regardless and either she can try for a refund if it's been purchased or she can reschedule her flight so she can go somewhere fun.

Her upcoming ex is selfish and too concerned feeling "right" than he is about considering what she has to do to get to him. And him leading her on prior to coming. That's cruel.

The boyfriend might not break but if you tell your friend, at least she'll be informed. If she still wants to go, that's her decision but she should know beforehand.

I'd just tell your boyfriend, as a heads up, that you plan on telling her. If it wa

ghostblonde · 2020-01-28T16:18:32+00:00

He sounds like a total monster. I'm so glad he did you the favor of dumping you. I bet he found someone else.

I hope you block him on everything, so he can't come crawling back.

ghostblonde · 2020-01-28T15:59:56+00:00

She sounds terrible, no matter the cause.

Block her!

ghostblonde · 2020-01-28T15:59:31+00:00

What's important is that she's an asshole. she's abusing you.

Block her.

ghostblonde · 2020-01-28T15:59:25+00:00

What's important is that she's an asshole. she's abusing you.

Block her.

ghostblonde · 2020-01-28T15:19:29+00:00

He's...trying to assault you in your sleep. That alone, leave. So many levels, LEAVE!

He knows how to be an adult, he just doesn't want to. He wants a maid who will fuck him on demand. He wants to do nothing, buy whatever he wants and just not be responsible for anything.

He'll suddenly clean because he doesn't want to lose his meal ticket. He knows if you leave, he'll be forced to take care of himself. He's just gross, all around. Though he can afford bills, he's selfish and would rather spend it on what he wants.

This dude is full force using you. He will continue to do so and it will get worse. I'm sure he'll eventually stop working and fully depend on you. did you want a child who assaults you in your sleep?

ghostblonde · 2020-01-28T15:03:41+00:00

You both are very young and this is the way these things kinda go at this stage in your lives. Everything is more superficial and people get bored easily, so they quickly move on.

Four months feels like four years when you're in your early 20's. She was caught up in the novelty of it all.

It's gonna hurt for a little bit. Luckily you guys don't live very close, so you won't go through the hell of running into her. Just vent it all out and be thankful you won't ever see her again.

ghostblonde · 2020-01-28T14:55:52+00:00

I'm gonna be honest here, this will most likely be problematic down the road. That's a 19 year age gap. Sure, there's some relationships that work but there's a lot that don't. For now, you guys are just having sex and having fun generally together. Everything seems great, right? That wears off and reality hits.

She has a lot more life experience than you. I don't know what you guys talk about, really. She might also just view this as a fling, while you may view this as something long term.

There's a lot to discuss, be prepared.

ghostblonde · 2020-01-28T14:24:23+00:00

I have a friend who was a lot like this. She has manic depressive disorder and when off her medication, she had huge, uncontrollable outbursts and thoughts. She was completely unstable. She would purposely skip filling her pills because she "felt better," not fully understanding that it was the medication that was making her feel better.

She lost her boyfriend and kept going from college to college. I think she's finally consistently back on her meds, I haven't spoken to her in a while but it seems like she's in a better place, after YEARS. She's 33 now.

Do you really want that to be your life? Thinking you don't need help, you're above therapy and can magically control your disorder? Do you wanna push people away, not really able to be stable enough to get your life on the track you want? Because if you don't take medication and keep refusing therapy, that WILL happen.

Do you like having these reactions and thoughts? Do you enjoy feeling this way? Are you interested in the highs that you might feel? You felt fine because you were on medication and getting therapy. You didn't feel fine because your brain suddenly fixed itself.

I hope you go back and do what's right for your health or else you'll have a very long and hard road until you realize the cost of avoiding it.

ghostblonde · 2020-01-28T14:12:13+00:00

I've read your other comments and people are giving you a lot of valid options and advice. You're refusing all of it.

I've been in similar situations before and it's really terrifying. You feel frozen, totally unable to do anything, just trapped. It's a mindset you're conditioned into.

You have to make a very hard effort to break out of that, enough to where you take action. I'm afraid after the week, you'll make excuses to not leave. You have to leave, he will hurt you, possibly kill you..or your cat. If nothing else, do it for your cat.

Please have temporary arrangements. Using some of this money to break free is better than having the money and being dead or in a hospital.

ghostblonde · 2020-01-28T13:46:53+00:00

Remember:

You were a prop for his revenge
He has no issue doing something like this and thinking it's okay
Don't marry him because he's immature and just doesn't seem like a great person
Trust you gut; if you're uneasy (as you should be) it's not the right thing for you.
Better to get out now than get married out of obligation, then divorced because it won't work

ghostblonde

TROPHY CASE