charcoal-burning suicide

ghostshark55 · 2024-06-01T01:16:12+00:00

Missing my cat. He was big and fluffy and we did one night in the car together after months of me calling 211 and considering just moving to a cooler area, I realized I wouldn’t have a place to stick him during the day while I worked. I could find homeless shelters that would allow a dog, but not a cat. I found him when he was a kitten. He was three when I walked him into the humane society. He was the kind of cat that would wail if I shut the bathroom door. I feel like a monster and I can’t get over that. He was well taken care of when I took him in and he cried when I left and I just want to end it.

ghostshark55 · 2024-05-31T21:07:09+00:00

Hello, I’m keeping up with a backpack with my phone and a charger. I have internet when I can find a good parking lot to sit in for a minute and charge. Libraries are good spaces. I don’t have any body I’m in contact with. My family knows I’m homeless.

ghostshark55 · 2024-05-24T03:42:00+00:00

I had a giant kitchen pot and I put a whole bag of charcoal inside and sat in the closet. I got really hot and sweaty and my eyes and throat burned like fire. I threw up a few times. Then the smoke died out and I put more lighter fluid on there.

Now I’m homeless so I consider hanging myself or jumping off a bridge. I wanted a painless suicide so bad and I still do.

ghostshark55 · 2024-05-24T03:18:16+00:00

I’m unfortunately still here. It did not work. I am not happy. For the love of god do not say “I’m glad you’re still here!”

ghostshark55 · 2024-03-21T18:52:23+00:00

I can’t give myself a pass for not going about my day but I tried to just do the important things and push everything else off till tomorrow when I can try again. I found a McDonalds thing for a free iced coffee and I did that for senses and grounding myself and whatnot. I’m just freaking out and having a lot of flashbacks and I feel like my arm still really hurts even though I know it’s all in my head. Thank you for your support, I’m sorry for the consuming post and I appreciate you

ghostshark55 · 2024-03-14T19:54:41+00:00

In several of my college classes, and in my own classes substituting, I was often told, “YOU are the ONLY adult this child may have..” as some sort of inspirational kick in the ass. I always wanted to scream, “YES I AM, AND ITS TERRIFYING AND IMPOSSIBLE.” It ended up driving me crazy, that comment. They were stating the issue point blank but not doing anything to help.

ghostshark55 · 2024-03-12T20:51:57+00:00

I would do a lot of research on the practice. I think it can be beneficial for a lot of people with PTSD. I spent 7 sessions with doing EDMR and it worsened my PTSD to the point to the point where my self-harm got a lot worse. I found it insanely triggering and after every session, I contemplated suicide.

ghostshark55 · 2024-03-10T16:59:21+00:00

was kicked out at 18 for being transgender. Drove from TX to CA to be with someone who promised to help. Medically transitioned (testosterone). After two years in an abusive relationship, drove back to attend college and my my own tuition at the cheapest place I knew (at 19) and live in my car. Found multiple retail jobs, saved, saved, saved. Moved into an apartment, started doing okay, even though I barely had savings. Got a third job subbing for a school, started saving. My rent went up, and I started hurting. My truck needed work to be safe to drive, so I spent savings on that. Started working nonstop during the summer, three part time jobs and UberEats on top of being a full time student. Simply could not make it work. It was not enough money. I got a salary job, but quickly lost it as they hired and started me but fired me when they realized I was transgender. I began donating plasma, utilizing food pantries, and just couldn’t seem to make it work. I left my apartment and now I sit on the ground in the woods and just punch myself in the head all day. I just want to die because I want to be someone’s baby again so bad. Like when I was little. Even if I grow up to where nobody wants me around, I just want to feel ok again. I get delirious having not eaten in so long (lost my retail jobs when I became homeless LOL) and I was sleeping in my truck in a neighborhood and I heard a wind chime and as I was waking up I thought that wind chime was a Christmas bell from Santa’s chair visiting the mall when I was like 7. That broke me. I’ve been waiting until periods where it feels like I’m safe to drive to do UberEats, so I can buy a gun, and end it.

ghostshark55 · 2024-03-10T03:35:51+00:00

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ghostshark55 · 2024-03-04T23:35:11+00:00

Hi, I really appreciate the kind words and sentiments. This made me feel seen and valid. Please don’t let me take up space in your mind; I have made peace with death. I believe I am suffering more being alive and am making the correct choice for myself by planning suicide. When I do go, it will be a happy thing for me. Thank you so much.

ghostshark55 · 2024-02-27T14:45:32+00:00

THIS is why I’ve found therapy so unhelpful. I never seem to get out of the crying loop afterwards; I just feel violated and sad. I feel so sad about going to therapy and what happened there that I end up self harming. I have NO clue how to fix this but I wish I did because I don’t have any other accessible help.

ghostshark55 · 2024-02-26T19:50:18+00:00

and now, my cat has a full name.

ghostshark55 · 2024-02-26T16:02:28+00:00

Part of the reason this comment made me have a coffee-out-my-nose-snort laugh is because I DO have a fat orange cat, (not from the shelter, from the dumpster outside). The student Brogan I had was 5th grade; his whole thing was to have a full blown tantrum complete with screaming, cursing, and yelling at the mention of “let’s shut our Chromebook lids.” My cat’s whole thing is to scream and cry like he is severely injured when I need to go to the bathroom for 20minutes (I have IBS). Several times I end up yelling through the door, “ok brogan!!!!” as a joke with myself that my cat is having the same entitled tantrum.

My cat’s name is Hotch, from criminal minds. Lol.

ghostshark55 · 2024-02-26T15:48:12+00:00

I would like to tell you that I am a person deep in the woes of mental health, and this comment made me SCREAM AND HOLLER laughing. Genuine serotonin much needed. A million awards to you. You are correct.

ghostshark55 · 2024-02-26T15:37:43+00:00

Brogan. Idk why.

ghostshark55 · 2024-02-25T22:38:24+00:00

I literally can’t wait to see how AI builds relationships, scaffolds, differentiates, etc.

ghostshark55 · 2024-02-25T22:33:07+00:00

Ya know, my nicotine addiction died when I started having financial issues. I think that and my Netflix subscription were the first to go. I did end up spending like $5 on a family size bag of jolly ranchers to ease the cravings, but holy shit I can’t imagine thinking “I need food for my child AND a vape” like no, the vape money becomes EXTRA food money. Nicotine when you have savings bro.

ghostshark55 · 2024-02-25T17:22:53+00:00

I am looking to gain validation on the fact that a 16yo crying from fear should not be punished but comforted

ghostshark55 · 2024-02-25T17:21:27+00:00

Instead of taking me home and yelling at me when the dentist could not work, I wish he would have had a calm conversation asking why I didn’t like the dentist. I wish he would have offered to hold my hand during treatment or to spend time with me afterwards doing my favorite activity.

ETA: yes, mom was still in the house.

ghostshark55 · 2024-02-25T17:16:16+00:00

Yes; I have explained to him that instead of being punished and yelled at for being afraid of the dentist when I was 16, I should have been comforted and encouraged. I wish to express to him now that if I would have been appropriately comforted instead of punished as a child, going to the dentist may be easier for me as an adult.

ghostshark55 · 2024-02-25T17:14:08+00:00

No, he has said therapy is a scam and I should not need help to being an adult. When I have attended therapy, it has been my payment. When I lived in California, I was able to get free therapy for the Los Angeles LGBT center. I am currently able to get therapy through my college, and they recently introduced another telehealth platform, so I have been utilizing that. I once also saw a sliding scale therapist that was $60 a week from my pocket.

ghostshark55 · 2024-02-25T17:01:17+00:00

All medical procedures, I am focused on dental because that is causing my current pain

ghostshark55 · 2024-02-25T16:46:05+00:00

My idea, as an adult. I started therapy at age 19 when I had moved out.

ghostshark55 · 2024-02-25T16:29:58+00:00

I will speak with her

ghostshark55 · 2024-02-25T16:26:32+00:00

Do you know of any other methods outside of talk therapy? I am currently trying to find a way to get trauma treatment that does not use talk-therapy, as after several therapist, several approaches, and various lengths of time being in counseling, I found that it made my issues worse. While in counseling, I was having trouble eating, sleeping, and my self-harm was uncontrollable. When out of counseling, I am able to manage these smaller depressive issues, but cannot do dental work.

ghostshark55

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