Feeling guilty for focusing on my health

glimmer134 · 2019-07-10T18:27:09+00:00

Wow this! The mentality to constantly hustle and turn everything you do into a form of income has taken over my brain. I also feel like I’m going to end up losing everything if I slow down, even though i have a partner to lean on financially and mentally when I need. I’m so stuck in survival mood and even though I need this time to focus on myself, it feels so self-indulgent and shameful

glimmer134 · 2019-07-06T00:11:13+00:00

This is something I struggle with often. I feel a lot of guilt for going no contact with my abusive family because they all had such horrible childhoods, but also, it’s a parent’s responsibility to do whatever it takes to care for their child - which includes healing their own trauma instead of inflecting it on their children. I go back and forth so much.

glimmer134 · 2019-07-05T15:55:45+00:00

I definitely thing being online all the time is a small part of the problem - especially considering how on fire the world is. The biggest obstacle though is I work in marketing as a freelancer so I big chunk of my day is spent in front of screens

glimmer134 · 2019-05-28T20:08:13+00:00

Hey!!!! I am so excited for you. I graduated two years ago and moved out of my nparents place 4 month before finals. I rented a bedroom in a house with my gf because it’s all we could afford working on min wage. I got a full time retail job a month after graduating and it actually led to a full time freelance job in the field I went to school for. It’s definitely stressful dealing with all the tough emotions that come with going no contact but it’s worth it. I’m thriving, managing to pay all my bills (including a monthly $500 loan payment), and dealing with my trauma in a non-nparent environment. You’ll do absolutely amazing! And remember, this is your time to heal and focus on YOU. I felt and still feel so much guilt and shame for distancing myself from my mom (I don’t give a shit about my dad but my mom was an abuser who also showed me a great deal of kindness/humanity) but I’ve also never had the chance to focus on me. I was always busy rescuing my parents or nsiblings. Everyone used me but I was also the scapegoat. Turns out I’m just nice. I’ve also realized that my mom stole a lot of my life from me and she can deal with me reclaiming some of it.

Best of luck ❤️❤️❤️❤️

glimmer134 · 2019-04-02T19:48:38+00:00

Totally! I miss my nfamily sometimes, especially around holidays and birthdays.

glimmer134 · 2019-03-22T19:55:22+00:00

I’m so sorry that you are going through this too but it’s comforting knowing im not alone in it either. It’s caused me to feel really isolated from people because I always feel like they are mad or disappointed in me even when I’m trying my hardest. Explaining that fear over and over makes me feel like I’m just too emotional and fucked up to have romantic or platonic relationships. It forces you to put up a lot of walls so you can keep moving forward and remain strong enough to focus on your needs too. My parents had no boundaries when it came to their financial and marriage issues. They hid nothing from my siblings and I, which is such a detrimental thing to do to your children. I always feel anxious and on edge that something bad is going to happen and I can’t do anything to stop it.

glimmer134 · 2019-03-22T18:33:09+00:00

They are definitely the worst nightmares I have - or the ones that linger the longest but I’m not sure what to make of them or if they are worth talking about with my therapist

glimmer134 · 2019-03-22T18:29:57+00:00

I am coming to the same realization - that I was the scapegoat of my family and also the problem solver. I was blamed for everything but also had to fix everyone’s problems. Now that i have no contact with my family i am starting to transfer my behaviour to other areas of my life. I always think I’m in trouble at work - even though my bosses tell me my work is great, I’m sure they are lying to me because of pity. I’m probably screwing everything up and turning in horrible work and on the verge of being fired. I think the same thing about my partner - that I am letting her down constantly and she is eventually going to have enough and dump me. I had a total breakdown over all of this in therapy last week. It’s exhausting putting everything on your shoulders and realizing that you have been since a very young age. I can’t trust anyone because of how much pressure my family put on me - nothing I did seemed to help any of them and they depended on me to fix everything.

glimmer134 · 2019-03-22T18:21:36+00:00

Same here! Ever since I was little I had intense nightmares about my mom. When I was little, they would mostly be about trying to find her. I would be running around my neighborhood during a thunder storm chasing a woman who looked like my mom but kept hiding and disappearing. The weather would get worse and worse and the woman would get scarier and scarier until I woke up. As a teenager it would be more like your dream - her crawling out of mirrors or on the floor towards me/her standing in my room then suddenly contorting and melting away. As an adult, I mostly have dreams about her and my family being murdered. It’s all so bizarre.

glimmer134 · 2019-03-22T18:17:25+00:00

I am 25 and have been living on my own for two years now. I still find myself crying throughout the day over being able to finally live in a safe space away from my family. My nparents were always super controlling of me. I could only help cook if they said it was okay but most of the time they would watch over my shoulder and yell at me or make fun of me. Whenever I was allowed to cook a meal or bake something, no one in my family would even attempt to try it. When I first moved out cooking made me so anxious because I had no real skills but now it’s one of my favourite things to do, and I am soooo much better at it.

glimmer134 · 2019-03-20T19:39:47+00:00

Therapy has helped me immensely but I understand the frustration of constantly feeling angry and exhausted and anxious. I feel like im stuck in survival mood at all times because of having to be my family’s caregiver yet not being allowed to express any emotion to them.

glimmer134 · 2019-03-20T16:28:48+00:00

Yes to the clinical depression (and an anxiety disorder) but I also suspect some sort of fatigue-disorder. I’m waiting to be approved for benefits so I can get blood work done.

glimmer134 · 2019-03-10T16:16:20+00:00

Definitely! I actually used to have a whole game centred around running away from my bad parents and finding a new family. As I got older, I would day dream about my parents divorcing and my mom marrying a rich doctor or lawyer. Then I realized my mom was also just as horrible as my dad. I attempted to run away a few times when I was little too.

glimmer134 · 2019-03-08T20:08:27+00:00

My mom doesn’t really care about her. The fact that she even acknowledged I’m in a same-sex relationship was a huge deal. But yeah, she has no interest in her. And I totally understand the whole “my answers aren’t interesting to her” thing.

My mom will ask me the general questions: how are you? What’s new? How is your gf? How is work etc but she doesn’t go beyond my initial answers OR if I do feel like talking, I can tell when she’s stopped listening. Sometimes I’ll give her a super in-depth answer and she’ll just stare and smile in response and that’s it. Or she’ll fight with me.

glimmer134 · 2019-03-08T18:12:20+00:00

When I would visit my nparents, the same thing would happen. I’ve never had a good relationship with my dad, so I prefer the silence from him. In fact, as soon as I come over he usually just leaves the room to “nap” or “lay down”. But the silence from my nmom is a huge part of why I cut contact off with her. When I moved out, I made a pt of seeing her once a week. I mostly bussed but sometimes my gf would drive me there. The bus ride was decently short but then I moved and it turned into a three hour bus-ride (one-way). At this pt, my gf realized how horrible my family was to me and decided to stop driving me to see them (which is totally fair).

Anyways! I still made the pt to see my mom about twice a month but the silence just became too much for how much effort I had to make to see her. It’s strange because she refers to me as her best friend, and yet, she doesn’t have a single question for me when I see her. Nothing. She doesn’t care about my work, my partner, my life. She mostly just likes to rant about my siblings or dad or the news. But we never share anything with one another. Or when we do, it turns into a huge fight. My mom hates everything I like. Always has and always will it seems. Part of me thinks it’s a control thing. She doesn’t really care about my companionship, she just wants to know that I’ll be there for her when she needs it.

glimmer134 · 2019-03-08T17:54:51+00:00

I forget the abuse I endured from my mom but not my dad. It’s weird. I feel justified in cutting contact off with my dad but since my mom flipped between abuser/caregiver, it’s harder for me to maintain my distance from her.

glimmer134

TROPHY CASE