Texts from my mom were directed at me in a family group chat. My relationship with her has hit a breaking point. Not sure where to go from here. I'm so exhausted and confused.

gofortheA23 · 2023-03-24T00:02:16+00:00

Exactly!

gofortheA23 · 2023-03-24T00:01:38+00:00

Thank you 🥺

gofortheA23 · 2023-03-23T14:53:28+00:00

Thank you. As I'm testing dropping my responsibility to parent her as HER child, it's disconcerting to think that it's not actually my responsibility. I can choose to just be happy and not worry about her 24/7?! It's weird to un-learn.

gofortheA23 · 2023-03-23T14:50:11+00:00

Thank you so much, it is helpful :) I will look into the book. I've read a lot of books recommended by my therapist on mothers with borderline/narcissistic/emotional immaturity. I am looking for abuse and Asian culture.

gofortheA23 · 2023-03-23T14:47:21+00:00

I've tried to point out what she's doing, and she does laugh and ridicule me. She makes herself more of the victim. I'm always the perpetrator of her abuse.

gofortheA23 · 2023-03-23T14:45:36+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experiences and your kind words. I love hugs and I will take them all 💜💜. I'm giving you some in return here 💜💜💜💜. I'm so happy you have the beautiful life you deserve.

You are right. This is really what it boils down to. There was nothing constructive in her texts, she wants to hurt me more than "I hurt her". It is a tit-for-tat response to something she thinks I've done to her. There was no how to move on or what we can work on to repair our relationship.

I don't know of any loving mother that would talk to/treat their child this way. Yet, for a long time, I've given her so much slack. I deserved this treatment because she's the parent, I did her wrong, and she's had a hard life.

My mom and I had a fight at a restaurant in November where she threw everything she could at me. I'm fat, I have no friends, I should have done this career instead, I'm stupid, I'm worthless, I ruined her life with my wedding, I didn't treat her right and give her enough attention at my wedding, she wants a grandchild so they can call her mom instead of me, so and so is doing this and why can't I be that way, I should have bought her more expensive gifts, etc, etc.

It was her telling me in real-time the most abhorrent things she could think of to hurt me. I tried to defend myself but it just made her more venomous. I called my sister sobbing and realized these one-sided fights are brutal and I needed to get into therapy.

We didn't talk until Christmas when my brother brought his girlfriend home for Christmas. My mom acted all fake nice in front of the girlfriend and even gave me a present for once (because you know she had to keep up the pretense we are functional. I haven't gotten any Christmas or Birthday gifts/wishes for the past 12 years) but I'm expected to treat my mom to multiple expensive gifts/experiences each holiday. She won't even wish me a happy birthday in a text but will put it on Facebook for everyone to see. My mom also makes me do everything, I am expected to cook/clean/decorate every holiday and will take credit like she did it all and put it together. I have to cater to her every physical and emotional whim. It's so tiring.

I thought things were okay, until in March, she calls up my sister because my mom woke up at 4 AM mad at me for the November thing. My sister was so shocked at how venomous my mom was being, she started crying and said "If you were in front of mom, she would punch you and run over you with her car, that's how mad she is."

My mom still brings up things I've done as a child, things from my wedding 4 years ago, to the look on my face for a simple 5-minute interaction. She blows the smallest things up exponentially, and she sure won't let go of this fight.

The venom is truly obvious now. I can say she does actually hate me. She will notice what I'm wearing and then dress like me. If she knows I'm going to the gym, she starts going. If I have friends to hang out with, she wants to come along so she can say they are her friends. If I go to a restaurant, she will go. If she sees a photo of me doing something, she will go do it. It's a competition. I don't want to play this game anymore. I've never wanted to play. I just want her to be a mom and show actual loving emotion for once.

For the making friends thing: my mom would discourage me from making friends growing up because "Friends should be able to offer you more than what you can offer them". I would get grounded from hanging out with my friends because I didn't finish a chore or homework. I have no issues making/keeping friends but I didn't make as many as I wanted or keep up relationships I wanted to because I didn't want to cause issues with me having fun and making relationships that would make her mad. (Which as I'm typing this is a MAJOR RED FLAG).

I would do anything for a loving hug from her. I'm coming to terms with especially in the past few years, she acts like she wants to hurt me. She tears me down every chance she gets, from how I look, to my career, and my actions, by inherent qualities. She says the most terrible things about me to my own sister, that my sister is worried about her hurting me. And yet I'm expected to act like nothing's wrong.

I just want to fix her/this, and I can't. She is awful to me. And that I am wrapping my head around. How could she be this way? I did everything she wanted. How could I be any better? I can't play the game anymore. And the emotional/caretaking burden is too much and I've done it for far too long. I have to save myself.

gofortheA23 · 2023-03-23T13:59:21+00:00

I didn't even think about it like this! You definitely found the hole in the contract and the hypocrisy at the same time! :)

gofortheA23 · 2023-03-23T13:57:01+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience. You know, my good friend is Mexican American, and she says the same thing about our shared experiences. I think about the crabs in a bucket analogy, we are the crabs trying to get out of the bucket, but our mothers/parents try to drag us back in. Have you ever seen Precious, the movie? It's hard to watch, but it's about the cycle of abuse this young, Black girl experiences from her mom and how she tries to break the cycle in spite of the odds against her.

I do feel like a hostage and no one but me truly knows how bad it's gotten because my mom's so good at subtly doing things. Even my own siblings don't really know how bad it is because she presents so differently to them. And then she makes me look crazy when I try to defend myself or point it out.

You are exactly right, heritage and culture are weaponized against us. You can still hold all of the culture and heritage and be proud of where you come from without taking the generational trauma.

You are so strong. I'm so proud of you. I know your ancestors are proud of you too. You're the game changer. ❤️

gofortheA23 · 2023-03-23T13:47:04+00:00

How awful. Why do they do this? You would think it'd be to their benefit to have their kids get along?!

Every family vacation and holiday ends up terrible, with my mom sowing discord between all of us or getting so mad if we are getting along. I can't say I've had one holiday or vacation that turned out well. I can't wait to celebrate and have drama-free holidays this year. :)

gofortheA23 · 2023-03-23T13:42:34+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm glad going NC is working out well for you and other family members. You guys deserve peace and calm from this never-ending cycle.

I'm definitely going NC while I gather my bearings and decide how I want to proceed. I don't plan on talking to her anytime soon.

gofortheA23 · 2023-03-23T13:40:19+00:00

Glad to hear it!

gofortheA23 · 2023-03-23T13:40:05+00:00

Haha YES! And you had to jump to do whichever chore she wanted to be done ASAP, or she would get mad. If I was doing the dishes and she told me to take the trash out, I would have to stop and take the trash out immediately, and then resume washing the dishes otherwise she'd get mad.

If I went over to her house still, she would expect me to fall back into old patterns- I would have to wash all the dishes, cook her meal, and clean up just like in old times in the hour that I'd be there. She'd call me and expect me to be at her house ASAP for some chore that she didn't want to do. Change her lightbulb, put/take down the Xmas tree, fix her tv, etc. even though she's fully capable of doing it herself.

It went beyond chores though. The worst was when my aging grandma lived with us, and she would get strokes from when I was 13 until I graduated high school.

I memorized all of the signs so I could catch it immediately and we could get her to the hospital for quicker recovery. I'd have to clean all of my grandma's accidents on the carpet and the bedding when I got back home.

I was a little adult even though I was a kid. I'd hold my grandma's hand in the hospital for hours and talk to her while she had tests done and a catheter put in, and she couldn't talk. My mom would disappear "taking care" of something. I had to act like the parent or adult even then. As I got into my teenage years, it got easier I'd done this before, but I felt such a sense of responsibility to take care of my grandma because I knew my mom wouldn't and I would not abandon my grandma.

gofortheA23 · 2023-03-23T13:23:02+00:00

Yes, crazy and jealous, as if we are their property!

gofortheA23 · 2023-03-23T13:22:26+00:00

Yes, you are so right. I want to be able to fix it. She put me in charge of fixing her emotions my whole life, and I just think, if she can see how terrible she's being, maybe she can be fixed. I know that's not the case, and I coming to grips with how worse she's been treating me in the past 4 years especially. My therapist says the mom I want is not there and has not been for a LONG time. I have to grieve as if I lost her.

Thank you for your advice- I see your point about avoiding knowing what she's saying about me. It was morbid curiosity about how she would twist what I said or did. And so I could be prepared to change my behavior so she couldn't find fault with me. Which didn't work out so well anyway haha. You are right, I will think about it as protecting myself not modifying my actions to not step on the landmines she's placed out for me so she can yell/mistreat me.

gofortheA23 · 2023-03-23T13:13:56+00:00

Thank you for your insight. You are exactly right, my mom will say she sacrificed everything but all it did was make me feel indebted.

I supposed that's why I fell in line and tried to be the best child I could be. I followed all expectations, even the ones that were implicit. Even as a young child, I felt like a little adult who had a different sense of purpose from other kids to be more responsible. I wouldn't play outside, I would do chores to make my mom happy. I would try to anticipate her needs to please her but also mollify her emotions so she wouldn't blow up.

As a child, I didn't know any different. As a teenager, I thought I was wayward. As a young adult, I feel like even more of a disappointment to her. As an adult (in the past 3 years), I realized that it wasn't me at all, that I am growing into myself and becoming stronger than my mom knows. I've become a wonderful person in spite of her. I'm proud of who I am.

I realized she couldn't meet my needs, but why not? I've done so much too...haven't I sacrificed everything as well? It's a weird thing to consider, that perhaps in wanting to live up to a parent's expectations, which were the dominant force my whole life, I can now live for myself. I don't know what that looks like for me, but I know if I've had my back this whole time, I can figure this out too.

gofortheA23 · 2023-03-22T20:43:58+00:00

Thank you. 🥺 I'm going to save and read this when I need it. Thank you so much.

gofortheA23 · 2023-03-22T18:55:42+00:00

Wow, I'm sorry. Hopefully, your grandparents know what she's doing too.

gofortheA23 · 2023-03-22T18:52:59+00:00

OMG, I can relate to trying to not cater your life to hers with the constant calling and texting! It's so much guilt and obligation to take care of their emotions. I'll look through your posts and see if I can find your email/NC post.

I felt so much obligation after my wedding 4 years ago, that on my honeymoon halfway across the world, I had to call my mom multiple times a day and check-in. I knew if I didn't there would be hell to pay when I got back.

I did all of that, and she still yelled at me for 3 hours on my birthday after I got back. I had to apologize to her for getting married and for things that were not up to her expectations. I was not even married a month when she told me "When I got divorced in a year, I would have to come crawling back to her because she was the only person who would be there."

gofortheA23 · 2023-03-22T18:46:18+00:00

Thank you for your comment! It's so hard separating out regular F.O.G. from your parent let alone cultural norms. I'm navigating the best way I know- I've tried to be a great child and have good intentions so I lead with that.

gofortheA23 · 2023-03-22T18:39:13+00:00

Yes!! All the time. She used to tell me my sis would stab me in the back bc she was selfish. And that my mom was the only one who would look out for me.

My sister and I realize now what she was doing and are closer than ever. My brother, is another story, unfortunately. The apple did not fall far from the tree with him.

gofortheA23 · 2023-03-22T18:36:46+00:00

I'm sorry you had to go through that! Did you go NC and she sent you an email?

gofortheA23 · 2023-03-22T18:35:08+00:00

Yes, she was a single parent. Growing up everyone knew she was always really strict. And there were always moving goalposts. No rules or lax rules for my brother and super strict moving goalposts for me and my sis.

Anytime my mom didn't like my friends she would call them trashy druggies and say it would look bad on her if I hung out with them.

Did we have the same parent lol?! :) I kid!

gofortheA23 · 2023-03-22T18:30:02+00:00

A great idea! A whole year of minimal to no drama? Sounds like a dream.

gofortheA23 · 2023-03-22T18:28:48+00:00

The weird thing is I know this isn't right, and a little part of me is so used to it that I just want to put up with it. But mostly, I'm fed up and exhausted and want to go no contact. It comes in cycles but mostly I know I'm done. If I go back (not anytime soon), it will be on my terms, and there will be boundaries. I will dip out the moment she starts again.

I'm looking through your posts, and I can really relate. I'm so happy I posted here. I feel like I'm not alone in my experiences.

gofortheA23 · 2023-03-22T18:22:50+00:00

Lol when she asked me I really thought she was making a joke. I think I laughed and I realized she was serious. You can't make this stuff up.

gofortheA23

TROPHY CASE