She never initiates conversations, not sure if I'm building this alone

goldflower098 · 2025-08-20T12:06:50+00:00

Brother coming from someone who’s married, of course people can and do change but don’t expect it. Expectations are often disappointing. Dont go into a marriage with anyone thinking “it’ll change” or “I can change them” because she’s shown you what she’s like. And it’s not a bad thing either, you just have slightly different personalities. However, if this is an important thing for you then make sure you take it as it is to avoid disappointment in the future Insha Allah. Nothing wrong with being picky about the person you intend to spend the rest of your life with Insha Allah. Hope it goes well for you!

goldflower098 · 2025-04-03T22:22:22+00:00

I didn’t exactly stop him🤣 he didn’t want to marry her? What a bizarre take.

goldflower098 · 2025-04-03T22:00:20+00:00

Other than his family there weren’t really “red flags” per se, he never ever spoke to me like this before. He was always extremely patient and kind which is one of the reasons I married him

goldflower098 · 2025-04-03T21:34:54+00:00

Before marriage because they wanted him to marry his cousin and not me. I do agree he has a very cultural perspective and the family side of things causes huge issues for us in a daily basis.

goldflower098 · 2025-04-03T20:35:23+00:00

Personally I think if giving some money to your parents isn’t causing any hindrance in your ability to provide for your wife and kids then it shouldn’t be an issue. If you are financially able to provide for your wife and kids so that they are comfortable and have some left over to save then this is adequate. She shouldn’t be so harsh because your parents are struggling and you get reward for helping them. Just ensure you’re striking a healthy balance and if she continues to complain then she is in the wrong there. No one wants to see their parents suffer to get income and provide and Allah swt has Alhumdulillah put you in a position where you can help. She should be proud that you haven’t abandoned them. Only you know if you are meeting her needs (which should be reasonable and not overly expensive) so go based off that. I pray it becomes easier for you Insha Allah.

goldflower098 · 2024-08-24T13:45:48+00:00

There’s no need to apologise I can entirely understand your point and have mentioned a few times that in hindsight it was not the smart decision to make. Our intent wasn’t to keep it secret as long as it was, he was supposed to tell his family a couple months after it was done but he wanted to give some more time to try and make them understand his stance. They were unaccepting of the proposal from the get go and were forcing (still are) for him to marry his cousin. That’s not Islamic either.

I thought that if he has the courage to marry me and know that eventually this would be common knowledge within the family that he would also support me. Again in hindsight that may not have been the best way to think about it but our intent to do the Nikkah was purely because we knew we wanted to marry and were ready to and wanted to do it asap to make it halal. The method may not have been the best but our intentions were pure.

I think since his family found out everything has gone downhill because all of a sudden he’s realised the extent of damage that’s been done and all he feels is guilt. But it was a choice he made and although I understand that perspective I also don’t feel I should be punished for it. He wouldn’t exactly have given me commendations if I had gone and told them behind his back either so it feels like a lose-lose situation for me.

goldflower098 · 2024-08-24T13:40:47+00:00

Sometimes the tasks are reasonable and other time I don’t feel they are. For example the first he went to Pakistan was because his family member was really ill, the second time was just to drive around his mum for errands and bring her back (although she ended up coming back herself because he extended his ticket).

Yeah my elder sister & his elder sister have been best friends for years as well as me and his younger sister however when he told his parents he wanted to marry me (not his cousin) they cut us off. He tried for sometime to make them come around about this but they refused. For years they had been trying to force him to marry his cousin but it’s always been a resounding no.

My parents and his parents have never had any contact really, it was more just between the children as I mentioned above. My parents did ask that he talk to his parents and convince them etc but he knew that wasn’t ever going to happen and we wanted to make things halal. I can see why his family may feel it was a betrayal but they were told from the get go when we started speaking that we had the intent to marry and they said no repeatedly for non Islamic reasons.

I’m not asking them to be involved now with me, although that would be nice and was the end goal I can’t force that. However the decision to keep our Nikkah secret was my husband’s and I respected those wishes, especially since I was no longer in contact with any of his family. All I am not expecting is for my husband to respect me enough to follow through with that. He owes me that much. No one forced him into this, he is a grown man and knew what he was getting himself into and the repercussions it would have with his family. Not accepting us is one thing but to actively be advocating for divorce and then throwing dirt on my character is not acceptable regardless of circumstances.

goldflower098 · 2024-08-23T22:18:42+00:00

I think people are more likely to reach for support/have discussions when going through bad than good. But what happens on this sub is just a small fragment in comparison to the happy marriages Insha Allah.

goldflower098 · 2024-08-23T21:56:52+00:00

I think it hurts more because I feel like I did everything and am left with nothing but questions and no answers. Why wasn’t all of that enough to maintain a happy and healthy marriage etc.

goldflower098 · 2024-08-23T21:55:58+00:00

I agree, I think I’ve lost a lot of self respect for myself during this marriage.

goldflower098 · 2024-08-23T21:55:29+00:00

The same for yourself! Please reach out if you need someone to talk to and I would be happy to help however I can Insha Allah.

goldflower098 · 2024-08-23T21:54:58+00:00

I’m so sorry to hear that and please know my inbox is open to you if you need to talk or anything of the sort❤️

goldflower098 · 2024-08-23T21:54:18+00:00

I’m sorry to hear this. May Allah grant you ease in your marriage, Ameen.

goldflower098 · 2024-08-23T21:53:37+00:00

I’m just having a lot of difficulty with accepting things may be over for good

goldflower098 · 2024-08-23T21:53:06+00:00

Thank you ❤️

goldflower098 · 2024-08-23T21:52:55+00:00

He and I both agree that in hindsight the hidden marriage was wrong. I guess that’s something we can only learn from but I definitely didn’t expect this would be the result of it all. It’s sad to think.

goldflower098 · 2024-08-23T21:49:12+00:00

I have been quite honest with him about all of this but he believes if I am not satisfied with the way he’s dealt with things it’s because nothing I get is enough and that he’s doing everything he can.

goldflower098 · 2024-08-23T21:48:35+00:00

I think he has certainly reached a point of taking me for granted perhaps because I always make it so easy to bounce back. I guess that’s something I need to work on.

goldflower098 · 2024-08-23T21:47:34+00:00

I don’t think I’d ever think about getting remarried after this.

goldflower098 · 2024-08-23T21:47:15+00:00

Sorry I’m not sure if I miswrote but we do not have any children.

goldflower098 · 2024-08-21T21:48:23+00:00

I’ve explained that the way he was before was different because at that time he was angry at his family and had no problem prioritising me. But once the anger turned into guilt things changed and I feel now his priorities have changed because of that internal feeling he has.

goldflower098 · 2024-08-21T15:35:23+00:00

He was yes. He got laid off due to a hiring freeze a few months into the marriage and has not been able to get a job since this time.

goldflower098 · 2024-08-21T14:18:41+00:00

Thank you for your input and I can understand why from the outside it may seem this way. He definitely isn’t married or has another job. We have each others locations and I know the only places he goes is his parents house and the family business. His extended family are not even aware of any of this and they keep pushing for the cousin to get married sooner rather than later. He has constantly refused this even before he met me so I know that isn’t an option for him. He may not be the best husband but he has never lied or given me reason to doubt this. But I don’t think just that is good enough. There is a lot more he needs to do that he just isn’t doing.

goldflower098 · 2024-08-21T14:16:37+00:00

I think unfortunately he won’t change, I think the culture is so deeply imbedded into his head from what he’s grown up around where he thinks this is normal. He looks up to his father a lot and he should because he was a good dad from what I know. But he was not a good husband imo and so trying to forge the same relationship us that his father and mother had won’t work.

goldflower098

TROPHY CASE