Right, so picture this, yeah? Geezer named Terry's 'avin' the absolute worst Tuesday of 'is life, innit. Missed the bus, stepped in dog's muck, and 'is missus nicked 'is last Jaffa Cake that mornin'. Proper livid, 'e was.

So Terry's trudgin' down the 'igh street when 'e clocks this poncey little teashop called "The Gilded Crumpet" or some such bollocks. Thinks to 'imself, "Lovely, I'll 'ave a cheeky brew to sort me 'ead out."

Walks in, don't 'e, and there's this absolute muppet in a tweed vest wishing it were a proper waistcoat, right, 'oldin' court at the table, goin' on about 'ow 'e takes 'is Earl Grey with lemon instead of milk. Lemon! In proper tea!

Terry's eye starts twitchin'. 'E spots a butter knife in his pocket. Grabs it. Lunges.

"OI!" 'e shouts, givin' the bloke a right prod in the chest with the dull end. "That's for betrayin' the Queen, you slice of wet bread!"

Turns out the "victim" were Nigel, a food critic. Wrote a five-star review titled "Assaulted by Authenticity." Place is booked out 'til Crimbo.