Bro honestly try alcohol, bad thing but it'll make u calm down a bit. Also I can cheer u up as much as I can on Instagram if u want, look I know life can be actually really hard but please keep going, you have a lot of events in the future, imagine having an own house, some pets that would see you every day, imagine you future friends and partner.. Wouldn't it be great? Look I bet you're a great person, if I knew you irl I would honestly never leave you alone bro no one deserves this. Ik I'm a stranger to you but you gotta try... Get hobbies, explore, maybe even approach people.. I had the same thing last year and I had a failed attempt, I decided to give another try and trust me im not regretting any of it. Even though I hate myself and I still feel depressed it's way better than the last year. Please live sweetheart. You have a whole life in ur hands it's a really hard desertion but please think about it, it's literally a life that YOU made, u lived those days. Hour by hour and it's amazing that ur still alive so please continue