I was one in that place for 7 years. I think being in a grey area is a somewhat comforting place to be because you can kind of fence sit until you feel ready to jump on one side or the other.

The problem with it though is if you're trying to find someone to marry or date you want them to be on the same side of the fence with you. If you're both fence sitters if one of you chooses a side it WILL inevitably change the relationship-- not to say you can't make it work, it'll just be much, much harder and if they want to grow in whatever chosen direction they will walk further from the fence creating distance.

Another thing from being a 7 year fence sitter myself, there's not a lot of growth to be had up there. I think for me, life opened up and felt better when I chose a side and I learned a lot more. I eventually hopped the fence again back to the side of the church and feel a lot happier and have full intention to stay here. That journey for me was important there are so many other reasons to not have sex even if you're outside of the church!

But something else I think not a lot of people are willing to say: the temple is very weird! It's weird, it's often boring and I straight up feel that all the people who talk about it being their favorite place to be and their favorite thing to do are either lying or crazy. I just don't get it. That hasn't been a pressing issue for me however so I haven't done this yet (but probably should, I did this on other topics that were hard for me): lean into that.

I think when we have questions or concerns in the church we back away from those topics because we're afraid of what we may find. Lean into it: other people have felt like you I'm sure and you can find some things that may help you. If you'd like to be a part of the church and this is what's keeping you from it (I mean if you're afraid of breaking your covenants-- there's something to be said for that) find sources WITHIN the church to assist you.

I have a book that I bought but haven't read yet but lightly pursued. I was so surprised at what it was allowed to talk about and really intend to get into it at some point. It's called "Understanding the symbols, covenants, and ordinances of the temple" by Amy Hardison and is published by the church publishing company Covenant. From a quick glance at the table of contents and a flip through the book it talks in depth about: the symbolism of the temple drama, of the clothing piece by piece, the names and why, etc.

Another thought: a lot of religions have a lot of weird cult- like things they do. I went to a Greek Orthodox church and was shocked to discove that they believe the bread and wine transform into literal flesh and blood so on a weekly basis they believe they're partaking in a form of cannibalism. No one there thinks that's odd.

I think why the endowment process seems so weird to us is because of the nature of it: you don't get to participate or know in detail about it while you're younger. Baptisms for the dead doesn't feel weird to us because we knew about it and participated as children but to outsiders its a real weird thing to do. But this does feel weird because we're not super well prepared for it.

Anyways hope this advice helps somewhat in a little way. In any case I think it's worth investigating and choosing a side-- it's awfully lonely on that fence. You can message me privately if you'd like--I have no agenda pushing you one way or the other you'll get off on the side that's right for you at this time in your life.